It is hard to find words when the place you find yourself in is one of humility.
I feel as though God has poured out His love and shown me His grace so greatly in the past year that I cannot begin to explain how deeply thankful I am. I have been on the mountain and felt such peace, yet I have experienced the terrifying walk through the valley. I have faced some of my deepest fears, and I have been given the opportunity to love and do so deeply.
Last year, as I celebrated my birthday, I did so with a growing belly and a little one learning to walk. I knew life would be different in the coming year. The following month, my life literally flashed before my eyes as Brian and I were in a car wreck on the interstate, hitting the concrete median twice going 70 mph. I remember holding my husband's hand as the car was spinning... I wanted him to KNOW I loved him. I recall seeing the excitement in Daniel Benjamin's face as he tore into his birthday cupcake. I was filled with such joy that day as so many friends and family came to celebrate our first born's big day with us. Yet, joy quickly turned to fear on Daniel's actual birthday three days later when I began bleeding. I was only 33 weeks along in this 3rd pregnancy, and as we raced to the hospital, I knew the outcome wouldn't be good.
I can still see the concern in my doctor's eyes as he monitored my condition. It was too early... I needed to be moved to a hospital where there was a NICU. I was rushed in an ambulance to Baptist where I spent the next 7 days away from Daniel, in pre-term labor, imagining what it'd be like to have two children born in the same month, only one year apart. I couldn't wait to see the child's face! I remember praying in that hospital room, burning up from the medication to prevent the contractions, asking God to let the baby come. After a few more visits to the OB and 10 days of bedrest, Samuel Levi was born healthy in my 38th week on May 23rd after a quick twelve minutes of "delivery".
I still do not know how we made it through those first few months with two babies in the house. We were both so exhausted and frustrated over constant cries. I suppose we couldn't have done it without the help of our family; God supplied our every need. When summer came and went, both boys had grown so much. I was painting as much as I could, and I was struggling to find time for everyone that needed me. As the fall came, we took our first vacation as a family of four, and upon returning from that trip, we learned we were pregnant a fourth time. I was certain the baby was a girl, almost immediately, but with very few symptoms and a disappointing ultrasound, December ended with the pain of losing Elisabeth Joy.
The final month of my 27th year has been both heartbreaking and filled with happiness. I struggled in the first few days following the miscarriage. I wanted my child's life to be validated. I was not angry; I was simply saddened by the fact that I would never hold this baby. Oh, but how the Lord has filled my arms! Daniel became so loving, giving hugs and his special "muah" kisses at the most perfect times. Samuel needed me as he became more mobile and began solid foods; he loved being held, even when I felt that I didn't have time to do so. The snow fell more often (as it usually does around my birthdays), and I was filled with happiness watching Daniel and his Daddy enjoy trampling through the cold. We ate snow cream like it was going out of style, and we loved a little bit deeper.
I don't know how, but I continue to be reminded of how much God must care for me. I look around my home and see all these things I do not deserve. I had such pride as Samuel crawled on his hands and knees for the first time today. I watched in amazement as Daniel laughed until he was out of breath playing hide and seek with me tonight. I was completely thrilled seeing the number 2 and 8 candles hidden on the microwave by my sweet husband tonight (he knows how much I love cake). I have so much more than I ever wished for!
As a blanket of snow covers the ground outside my window in the early hours of this day, my 28th birthday, I am humbled by God's unfailing love. He has forgiven me of all my sins and was willing to make this day possible for me by giving His life. He was able to sacrifice Himself so that I might have this day, this very minute even, to share the story of His redemption in my life. It's unfathomable to me to think of myself that highly, yet He thought of me in that moment... and He knew I'd be His all these years later.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I'm Gonna Move...
I'll tell you what's hard about selling a home. And it's not because I have any expertise in the area of real estate. In fact, I've never sold a house. Of course, my parents sold three of our houses when I was a kid, and at that age, all I was really concerned about was whether my room was going to be bigger and if the new house would have a swimming pool. Ironically, I've never once had a swimming pool, and the rooms I had never seemed big enough. Something about the newness always excited me as a child, so it never bothered me when we'd sell one home to move into another. How is it that I now know what's hard about selling one?
For a month, the Lord has made it very evident. From the long drive to our new church home to the occupied walls we have worked diligently to repaint and depersonalize, it didn't take long for us to realize it was time to move on. Time to take the leap of faith that is Nashville. Time to move in the direction of where He has planted us. Time to see that He's got something else in store.
When we figured out that moving was what God wanted us to do, everything fell into place. We just so happened to get a Tennessee Football refrigerator magnet in the mail that week with a real estate agent's picture on it. We just so happened to come upon a bundle of brand new boxes from dad's work. We just so happened to be incredibly tired of all of the clutter that two and a half years of marriage (and 26 & 29 years of life) will bring upon you. We were ready, and within a week, we had our house on the market.
That was Monday, and all of that was ridiculously easy. Not near as emotional as I would have expected. Not near as much trouble getting the house ready as I would have thought. Not near as difficult seeing that "For Sale" sign in the front yard. Why? Well, that's where the hard part of selling a house comes in.
I am ready. I am completely ready. And yet, not a single change because we're still here. It seems as if that's how it always goes in life. We get in our minds the plans God has for us, and then when He doesn't make them happen right away, we get discouraged. Somehow, somewhere in the midst of knowing that God is in control, the devil finds his way into our determined minds and really messes things up.
Now, from what I've been told, it can take two weeks before showings begin, and it can often take six months to receive an offer. What I've also been told is that God works miracles, and folks, we are going to need one. I mean, we all know where the economy is sitting, and just today, another house on our same street went on the market. When I say "another," I mean the fourth.
What's hard about selling a house (or moving on) (or simply having faith) is this: we are not in control. Sure, we are going to sell our house. The Lord has already made it clear that He wanted us to. However, He didn't say when or how or in what time frame. He didn't tell us that it'd be easy or that we'd have "lookers" within the first week, like I had envisioned He would have happen. I just know that He's in complete control of what's happening. And whether it's next week, next month, or next year, God can do with this house whatever He wants. Doesn't matter what the economy looks like or if every house on this street is for sale. God will move when HE is ready, and that's what makes everything, not just selling a house, hard on us. It's a matter of faith, friends. Are we ready to move when HE is?!
For a month, the Lord has made it very evident. From the long drive to our new church home to the occupied walls we have worked diligently to repaint and depersonalize, it didn't take long for us to realize it was time to move on. Time to take the leap of faith that is Nashville. Time to move in the direction of where He has planted us. Time to see that He's got something else in store.
When we figured out that moving was what God wanted us to do, everything fell into place. We just so happened to get a Tennessee Football refrigerator magnet in the mail that week with a real estate agent's picture on it. We just so happened to come upon a bundle of brand new boxes from dad's work. We just so happened to be incredibly tired of all of the clutter that two and a half years of marriage (and 26 & 29 years of life) will bring upon you. We were ready, and within a week, we had our house on the market.
That was Monday, and all of that was ridiculously easy. Not near as emotional as I would have expected. Not near as much trouble getting the house ready as I would have thought. Not near as difficult seeing that "For Sale" sign in the front yard. Why? Well, that's where the hard part of selling a house comes in.
I am ready. I am completely ready. And yet, not a single change because we're still here. It seems as if that's how it always goes in life. We get in our minds the plans God has for us, and then when He doesn't make them happen right away, we get discouraged. Somehow, somewhere in the midst of knowing that God is in control, the devil finds his way into our determined minds and really messes things up.
Now, from what I've been told, it can take two weeks before showings begin, and it can often take six months to receive an offer. What I've also been told is that God works miracles, and folks, we are going to need one. I mean, we all know where the economy is sitting, and just today, another house on our same street went on the market. When I say "another," I mean the fourth.
What's hard about selling a house (or moving on) (or simply having faith) is this: we are not in control. Sure, we are going to sell our house. The Lord has already made it clear that He wanted us to. However, He didn't say when or how or in what time frame. He didn't tell us that it'd be easy or that we'd have "lookers" within the first week, like I had envisioned He would have happen. I just know that He's in complete control of what's happening. And whether it's next week, next month, or next year, God can do with this house whatever He wants. Doesn't matter what the economy looks like or if every house on this street is for sale. God will move when HE is ready, and that's what makes everything, not just selling a house, hard on us. It's a matter of faith, friends. Are we ready to move when HE is?!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Getting What I Deserved
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6
It was my freshman year at Western Kentucky University. I was awkward, clumsy, and looking for friends that I hadn't made just yet. Those are what you could see on the outside. Inside, I was busy trying to pass classes that I realized I definitely wasn't prepared for, and honestly, I couldn't believe I had even been accepted into this collegiate school. Soon, I became lazy and thought that if this "university path" wasn't easy that I didn't necessarily have to make an effort. I would miss classes left and right and was ultimately shocked when this next incident occured.
It was Finals Week. I studied. Some. If some means not at all, then that would be what I did. I walked into my Western Civilization class (you know, the one I hadn't been to in weeks), and I took my usual back-of-the-class seat. We all pulled out our little blue examination books and began what I can only describe as the most horrifying test I've ever taken. It was like I was in Kindergarten trying to read chapter books. I had NO idea what to say, and I knew that writing anything would make me more of a fool than I already was. But I did. And I failed the class.
Life lessons aren't the easiest to come by. It took me years to understand what I had done, not only to my transcript, but to myself. I had failed at something. Don't get me wrong, failing isn't failing when you've actually tried. I had made NO attempt at passing that class. Nevertheless, I failed the class because I had failed myself, my parents, and my God.
I heard it said this week that we, as Christians, are not called to understand; we are called to OBEY. When I ran the statement over in my head, it was like another Western Civ. test was being pushed right in front of me. Not because I hadn't studied, but because I never realized that my downfall in most situations is that I give up. If it gets too hard, I just give in.
I am the exact same way with God. When things get difficult in my life, I often find myself blaming God for what He isn't doing. If I cannot understand what is going on around me, then I want to completely rid myself of the situation. I end up doubting that God truly is God, and I expect more from Him the next time around. But where I've gone wrong is that I haven't done anything in regards to proving that I am His child. Just like with wanting to pass that class, I made no effort to make the grade. I just wanted the A and didn't do what it took to get it.
It is an easy thing to say that we love the Lord. It is even easier to love Him when things are good. What happens when we are faced with circumstances that are not ones we would have chosen? Do you, like me, often bail and forget to fall on your knees in prayer? There are so many things I don't understand... I wish I could tell you that life with the Lord is an easy one. It isn't. It, too, is a test. My faith is tested daily, and I don't always pass with an A. I know, though, that all the Lord asks of me is my obedience.
With my failed college course, I had the obedience of a child. I had everything I'd ever wanted: parents that believed in me, were willing to pay for my tuition, and knew what I was capable of. I had a Father that knew I would fail because I wasn't willing to obey. Yet, He gave me a second opportunity to do so. I took the same class the following semester and worked harder than I had at anything. I left that particular course with an A, one I truly deserved because I had obeyed...
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6
It was my freshman year at Western Kentucky University. I was awkward, clumsy, and looking for friends that I hadn't made just yet. Those are what you could see on the outside. Inside, I was busy trying to pass classes that I realized I definitely wasn't prepared for, and honestly, I couldn't believe I had even been accepted into this collegiate school. Soon, I became lazy and thought that if this "university path" wasn't easy that I didn't necessarily have to make an effort. I would miss classes left and right and was ultimately shocked when this next incident occured.
It was Finals Week. I studied. Some. If some means not at all, then that would be what I did. I walked into my Western Civilization class (you know, the one I hadn't been to in weeks), and I took my usual back-of-the-class seat. We all pulled out our little blue examination books and began what I can only describe as the most horrifying test I've ever taken. It was like I was in Kindergarten trying to read chapter books. I had NO idea what to say, and I knew that writing anything would make me more of a fool than I already was. But I did. And I failed the class.
Life lessons aren't the easiest to come by. It took me years to understand what I had done, not only to my transcript, but to myself. I had failed at something. Don't get me wrong, failing isn't failing when you've actually tried. I had made NO attempt at passing that class. Nevertheless, I failed the class because I had failed myself, my parents, and my God.
I heard it said this week that we, as Christians, are not called to understand; we are called to OBEY. When I ran the statement over in my head, it was like another Western Civ. test was being pushed right in front of me. Not because I hadn't studied, but because I never realized that my downfall in most situations is that I give up. If it gets too hard, I just give in.
I am the exact same way with God. When things get difficult in my life, I often find myself blaming God for what He isn't doing. If I cannot understand what is going on around me, then I want to completely rid myself of the situation. I end up doubting that God truly is God, and I expect more from Him the next time around. But where I've gone wrong is that I haven't done anything in regards to proving that I am His child. Just like with wanting to pass that class, I made no effort to make the grade. I just wanted the A and didn't do what it took to get it.
It is an easy thing to say that we love the Lord. It is even easier to love Him when things are good. What happens when we are faced with circumstances that are not ones we would have chosen? Do you, like me, often bail and forget to fall on your knees in prayer? There are so many things I don't understand... I wish I could tell you that life with the Lord is an easy one. It isn't. It, too, is a test. My faith is tested daily, and I don't always pass with an A. I know, though, that all the Lord asks of me is my obedience.
With my failed college course, I had the obedience of a child. I had everything I'd ever wanted: parents that believed in me, were willing to pay for my tuition, and knew what I was capable of. I had a Father that knew I would fail because I wasn't willing to obey. Yet, He gave me a second opportunity to do so. I took the same class the following semester and worked harder than I had at anything. I left that particular course with an A, one I truly deserved because I had obeyed...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
This Road I'm On... (Birthdays Come and Go)
Like the cars I have driven and places I have traveled, it seems like things are really different this year. When I look back at where I was last year on my twenty-fifth birthday, I realize that God was just preparing me for the year ahead. From being pregnant with my first child not knowing I'd lose it and making school my first priority unaware I would be leaving it, God was just getting me ready for the road ahead. I was naive and expected everything to simply fall into the seat beside me. That's not exactly what He had in store for my journey.
God has made clear His path for me. I know exactly where I am supposed to be on this birthday. Yes, I have lost a child, left a job, longed for a Master's degree, and questioned whether I had any faith at all. That's what all happened in this past year. God makes things so uncertain, yet His directions are so easy to read. It's just I never really took the time to read them. Last year, I would just set out on any trip I pleased without once looking at what may be in front of me.
Here I am, twenty-six years old today, and I have learned that the road I was on isn't the same as the road I'm headed down now. My life is focused on the things it should be. I'm not concerned about a career, furthering it, or even worried about my faith. I have no choice but to put complete trust in the Lord at this point. Everything is different now. I am again pregnant, yet this time around, I actually know that my baby boy is living and kicking. I stay at home, only because the Lord has allowed me to do so. I read His word, and I see His face in every situation I face. This journey is worth all I have.
I'm thankful that I'm not always in the driver's seat. Sometimes, it is an amazing feeling to simply be a passenger and allow God to take the wheel. He's led me every mile thus far, and I have no doubt that He's continuing to do so now... Birthdays, they come and go, but my God, He is forever.
God has made clear His path for me. I know exactly where I am supposed to be on this birthday. Yes, I have lost a child, left a job, longed for a Master's degree, and questioned whether I had any faith at all. That's what all happened in this past year. God makes things so uncertain, yet His directions are so easy to read. It's just I never really took the time to read them. Last year, I would just set out on any trip I pleased without once looking at what may be in front of me.
Here I am, twenty-six years old today, and I have learned that the road I was on isn't the same as the road I'm headed down now. My life is focused on the things it should be. I'm not concerned about a career, furthering it, or even worried about my faith. I have no choice but to put complete trust in the Lord at this point. Everything is different now. I am again pregnant, yet this time around, I actually know that my baby boy is living and kicking. I stay at home, only because the Lord has allowed me to do so. I read His word, and I see His face in every situation I face. This journey is worth all I have.
I'm thankful that I'm not always in the driver's seat. Sometimes, it is an amazing feeling to simply be a passenger and allow God to take the wheel. He's led me every mile thus far, and I have no doubt that He's continuing to do so now... Birthdays, they come and go, but my God, He is forever.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Worrying Gets the Best of Me...
I'm getting anxious. Really anxious. I worry over every quiet moment when I cannot feel this baby moving, and I worry when he is... I feel our tiny boy's kicks, and I get the most overwhelming feeling that I'm not prepared for what the Lord's about to do in my life. Yet at the same time, I know that the Lord has equipped me for this time and this place, and He's allowing me this opportunity. However, I cannot help but be nervous over all of this.
I've been in this position before. Not the one where I have only 14 weeks left until I give birth, but the one in which I am ridiculously overwhelmed with a certain situation. It happened just about a year ago. With all the determination in the world of a child following her Daddy, I went to my principal and told him I would not be returning in the fall. Doesn't seem like a big deal when I say it that simply, but the months and weeks beforehand were nothing small.
I struggled with a burden for 6 months. For 6 months, beginning in July of 2007, I questioned what God was telling me. I doubted Him when He made me to feel as a stranger in my own classroom. I was confused at why every time I moved my room around, it never satisfied me. It wasn't until January of 2008 that I really believed Him. It took a positive pregnancy test for me to see that God wanted me to stay at home. Then the walls came down, and I realized I was wrong in February when we lost the baby. I couldn't understand why the burden to leave still remained.
That same month, as I had been evaluated while teaching, a dear woman from the Board of Education told me that maybe this wasn't where I needed to be. I couldn't believe she was inviting me to leave teaching. Yet the Lord had been doing so for 6 months, and I still wouldn't listen to Him. That is, until this woman spoke to me for Him. I saw Him looking at me through her beautiful brown eyes, and I knew what I needed to do.
I anticipated telling my principal, but I was so worried about it, I would ball up everytime I saw him coming down the hall. I was frightened to take such a huge leap of faith. I avoided him for almost 3 weeks though I knew what I had to do. I remember I was an emotional mess at the time, and most people walked on eggshells around me due to my fragile demeanor over losing my child. The idea of having to waltz into the principal's office and explain why I'm not coming back terrified me.
With all the anxiety in the world, I remember knocking on his door in March 2008. I remember sitting down uncomfortably and shaking uncontrollably. Yet when the words came, they were so easy. Like something I had rehearsed, the Lord just put my resignation in my lap. He gave me what it was I needed to say. I remember mentioning that the Lord wanted me to leave, and I didn't want to question Him. I also recall my principal saying that he respected me for doing so. It was an honor, and all of the worry just melted away...
I imagine it won't be that simple this time around. It is a child I'm anxious over this time and not just a job. I worry that I won't know how to feed him or love him or even teach him right from wrong. I worry that the labor will be too much or that I won't realize it's time to go to the hospital. I worry that my marriage may suffer at learning how to love both a baby and a husband. Worried, that's what I am.
At the same time, I'm completely humbled because I know that IT IS THE LORD who leads me. I know that He will give me the strength to carry this child. I know He'll give me the words to speak as I teach this child about Him. I know that He'll encourage me to love as I should, and He will give me all that I need when the time is right. Why worry?!
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:33-34
Sometimes, it just gets the best of me. Without a job, without a church home, and with a baby on his way, I cannot help but question God's reasoning. But, as my husband once told me before we were married, "Worry is a lack of faith." I'll be honest, my faith surely isn't my strong point, yet with every kick, every prayer being raised, and every check in the mail, I realize that God truly is in control. He's begging me to stop worrying and start anticipating... It is what He has given me: a time for every situation under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1). It's my time to let go and really LET GOD.
I've been in this position before. Not the one where I have only 14 weeks left until I give birth, but the one in which I am ridiculously overwhelmed with a certain situation. It happened just about a year ago. With all the determination in the world of a child following her Daddy, I went to my principal and told him I would not be returning in the fall. Doesn't seem like a big deal when I say it that simply, but the months and weeks beforehand were nothing small.
I struggled with a burden for 6 months. For 6 months, beginning in July of 2007, I questioned what God was telling me. I doubted Him when He made me to feel as a stranger in my own classroom. I was confused at why every time I moved my room around, it never satisfied me. It wasn't until January of 2008 that I really believed Him. It took a positive pregnancy test for me to see that God wanted me to stay at home. Then the walls came down, and I realized I was wrong in February when we lost the baby. I couldn't understand why the burden to leave still remained.
That same month, as I had been evaluated while teaching, a dear woman from the Board of Education told me that maybe this wasn't where I needed to be. I couldn't believe she was inviting me to leave teaching. Yet the Lord had been doing so for 6 months, and I still wouldn't listen to Him. That is, until this woman spoke to me for Him. I saw Him looking at me through her beautiful brown eyes, and I knew what I needed to do.
I anticipated telling my principal, but I was so worried about it, I would ball up everytime I saw him coming down the hall. I was frightened to take such a huge leap of faith. I avoided him for almost 3 weeks though I knew what I had to do. I remember I was an emotional mess at the time, and most people walked on eggshells around me due to my fragile demeanor over losing my child. The idea of having to waltz into the principal's office and explain why I'm not coming back terrified me.
With all the anxiety in the world, I remember knocking on his door in March 2008. I remember sitting down uncomfortably and shaking uncontrollably. Yet when the words came, they were so easy. Like something I had rehearsed, the Lord just put my resignation in my lap. He gave me what it was I needed to say. I remember mentioning that the Lord wanted me to leave, and I didn't want to question Him. I also recall my principal saying that he respected me for doing so. It was an honor, and all of the worry just melted away...
I imagine it won't be that simple this time around. It is a child I'm anxious over this time and not just a job. I worry that I won't know how to feed him or love him or even teach him right from wrong. I worry that the labor will be too much or that I won't realize it's time to go to the hospital. I worry that my marriage may suffer at learning how to love both a baby and a husband. Worried, that's what I am.
At the same time, I'm completely humbled because I know that IT IS THE LORD who leads me. I know that He will give me the strength to carry this child. I know He'll give me the words to speak as I teach this child about Him. I know that He'll encourage me to love as I should, and He will give me all that I need when the time is right. Why worry?!
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:33-34
Sometimes, it just gets the best of me. Without a job, without a church home, and with a baby on his way, I cannot help but question God's reasoning. But, as my husband once told me before we were married, "Worry is a lack of faith." I'll be honest, my faith surely isn't my strong point, yet with every kick, every prayer being raised, and every check in the mail, I realize that God truly is in control. He's begging me to stop worrying and start anticipating... It is what He has given me: a time for every situation under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1). It's my time to let go and really LET GOD.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Shiny and New
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Opening the front door, peeking inside, I saw the newness of what awaited me. New carpet. New fixtures and faucets. New, fresh paint. New bulbs. Newness just surrounded me. It was one of the most exciting times of my life, having bought our first home together just two weeks before we were married. I breathed in the new smells and stared at the new sights, and without one single complaint, I reveled in what the Lord had given me. Everything was new.
The days and months passed, and the new walls became scratched and nail pops began to show. The new carpet looked as though it was twenty years old. Those once-new fixtures and faucets were needing plumbing and examining. I look back to just a little over twenty months ago and remember how quickly newness comes to an end.
I find myself wishing we were in a new house again, that our marriage was still new, and that life was altogether new. Unfortunately, none of them are. They might not, in any way, be old, but they aren't brand new any more. I see how things change in front of my very eyes. From my best friend's baby to my grandfather's age, nothing remains new. Addy, at just two months old, has started laughing and rolling. My Pop recalls more often these days what his life was like years ago. See, nothing can stay the same.
That is, except for Jesus Christ. In Revelation, we see just how NEW life in Christ is, as it states, "Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful (Revelation 21:5).” It's hard for us to understand that things can always be new, but with God they are. From the dawning of each new day to His mercies that are new every morning, life with the Lord is NEW!
And exactly how do I know this? Well, let me tell you that my house may not be new, but it is a home. It will be a brand new home for the new baby who will be entering it in this new year. The new year brings forth opportunities for all of us with new jobs and new talents that God has waiting in store. Those new abilities will be used to make new relationships with those new co-workers. Just think, those new friends may not know the new life they can have in Christ. What a New Year that would be!
With the holidays practically over and those new gifts finding scratches, tears, and their own closet space, there is reason to focus our minds on what really matters in this life. It isn't the new house, car, or job we find ourselves in; it is the relationship we have with our Lord, Jesus Christ. Life without Him is old. In this New Year, take the time to realize the newness we have in Jesus, and cherish it more than any new thing you are given.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Opening the front door, peeking inside, I saw the newness of what awaited me. New carpet. New fixtures and faucets. New, fresh paint. New bulbs. Newness just surrounded me. It was one of the most exciting times of my life, having bought our first home together just two weeks before we were married. I breathed in the new smells and stared at the new sights, and without one single complaint, I reveled in what the Lord had given me. Everything was new.
The days and months passed, and the new walls became scratched and nail pops began to show. The new carpet looked as though it was twenty years old. Those once-new fixtures and faucets were needing plumbing and examining. I look back to just a little over twenty months ago and remember how quickly newness comes to an end.
I find myself wishing we were in a new house again, that our marriage was still new, and that life was altogether new. Unfortunately, none of them are. They might not, in any way, be old, but they aren't brand new any more. I see how things change in front of my very eyes. From my best friend's baby to my grandfather's age, nothing remains new. Addy, at just two months old, has started laughing and rolling. My Pop recalls more often these days what his life was like years ago. See, nothing can stay the same.
That is, except for Jesus Christ. In Revelation, we see just how NEW life in Christ is, as it states, "Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful (Revelation 21:5).” It's hard for us to understand that things can always be new, but with God they are. From the dawning of each new day to His mercies that are new every morning, life with the Lord is NEW!
And exactly how do I know this? Well, let me tell you that my house may not be new, but it is a home. It will be a brand new home for the new baby who will be entering it in this new year. The new year brings forth opportunities for all of us with new jobs and new talents that God has waiting in store. Those new abilities will be used to make new relationships with those new co-workers. Just think, those new friends may not know the new life they can have in Christ. What a New Year that would be!
With the holidays practically over and those new gifts finding scratches, tears, and their own closet space, there is reason to focus our minds on what really matters in this life. It isn't the new house, car, or job we find ourselves in; it is the relationship we have with our Lord, Jesus Christ. Life without Him is old. In this New Year, take the time to realize the newness we have in Jesus, and cherish it more than any new thing you are given.
Monday, November 17, 2008
He Chooses Me
Crashing waves. They seem to be all around me. It seems as if my life is caught in a storm, and I am not sure that I will survive it. The rain keeps coming and the winds are stronger than I could imagine, and yet the amazing peace of God is in the midst of it all.
Fear seems to overtake me at moments like these. Times when it is more difficult than not to know where we are going or what God has in store. Times when I do not know why this boat was for me.
Isn't that life? It seems as if there is always something changing. Life is so inconsistent when all I am looking for is one little piece of normal, and yet the waves continue to toss. I don't know why I expect this. It was evident this past weekend as we were in Gatlinburg how life changes so quickly. When we arrived in the mountains on Thursday the 13th, it was 70 degrees, and in fact, I had on a t-shirt which was almost too hot. As we woke on the day of our departure, we had an inch of snow on the ground. Nothing stays the same.
My husband and I have learned all about storms, and how they can incredibly distort your ways of thinking. Just since January of this year alone, the ship we've been on has been a rough ride. We have learned we were pregnant, lost the child to miscarriage, left my teaching job, grieved the loss of Brian's father, become pregnant for a second time, endured Brian's sweet cousin's brain surgery, and resigned from a church that we dearly love. I know everyone has journeys like these, and yet I cannot help but wonder what we are supposed to learn from being on board this particular ship.
And yet, I'm so thankful for it all. I'm so thankful that God decided to give and take my first child; it makes Heaven so much sweeter knowing that we have a perfect gift awaiting us. I am so grateful to have left my job; I would have never been able to support my husband or find the gifts that God had given me without leaving there. Losing a loved one has taught me to love much more deeply; the sudden loss of Brian's dad has left an impression that RIGHT NOW is my chance to love. Hayden's surgery has been one of the most traumatic events our family has faced, and yet it has made me realize how BIG God is; I've watched my Lord in the hands of surgeons and in the eyes of a 5-year-old child, and I see that my God is triumphant in every way. I'm honored to say that God has blessed me with a second pregnancy; I don't know that anyone could understand why the pregnancy itself is such a miracle to me. But I've learned to hold onto something that isn't in my arms, and I've seen its heart beat as only God could allow. We have had to step out and leave a church where our hearts were; God speaks so clearly and yet it is the hardest thing to say goodbye when you weren't exactly preparing for it. We also now are learning what blind faith really is, and I'm grateful for that. I have never been so certain of anything despite neither of us having a job or a place to call our own; these waves continue to surround me and I am at peace.
How is that? How can I have peace when all I feel is that I have no control of the stern? Well, I don't know exactly how to answer that. I would be lying if I said I wasn't fearful, because I am in some ways. I fear that money will get too tight or that I'll never hold this baby in my arms; it frightens me to think that I don't know where we're going or if this is all there is. I will admit that the waves overwhelm me, but I KNOW in whom I BELIEVE. He is at the head of this boat I'm on, and He is my Captain. No matter which storm I encounter, my Lord knows what is right. He knows which way I need to go. He realizes that these waves are best for me and no one else. He chooses me. These storms were made just for me, and I'm beyond thrilled to ride them out.
Fear seems to overtake me at moments like these. Times when it is more difficult than not to know where we are going or what God has in store. Times when I do not know why this boat was for me.
Isn't that life? It seems as if there is always something changing. Life is so inconsistent when all I am looking for is one little piece of normal, and yet the waves continue to toss. I don't know why I expect this. It was evident this past weekend as we were in Gatlinburg how life changes so quickly. When we arrived in the mountains on Thursday the 13th, it was 70 degrees, and in fact, I had on a t-shirt which was almost too hot. As we woke on the day of our departure, we had an inch of snow on the ground. Nothing stays the same.
My husband and I have learned all about storms, and how they can incredibly distort your ways of thinking. Just since January of this year alone, the ship we've been on has been a rough ride. We have learned we were pregnant, lost the child to miscarriage, left my teaching job, grieved the loss of Brian's father, become pregnant for a second time, endured Brian's sweet cousin's brain surgery, and resigned from a church that we dearly love. I know everyone has journeys like these, and yet I cannot help but wonder what we are supposed to learn from being on board this particular ship.
And yet, I'm so thankful for it all. I'm so thankful that God decided to give and take my first child; it makes Heaven so much sweeter knowing that we have a perfect gift awaiting us. I am so grateful to have left my job; I would have never been able to support my husband or find the gifts that God had given me without leaving there. Losing a loved one has taught me to love much more deeply; the sudden loss of Brian's dad has left an impression that RIGHT NOW is my chance to love. Hayden's surgery has been one of the most traumatic events our family has faced, and yet it has made me realize how BIG God is; I've watched my Lord in the hands of surgeons and in the eyes of a 5-year-old child, and I see that my God is triumphant in every way. I'm honored to say that God has blessed me with a second pregnancy; I don't know that anyone could understand why the pregnancy itself is such a miracle to me. But I've learned to hold onto something that isn't in my arms, and I've seen its heart beat as only God could allow. We have had to step out and leave a church where our hearts were; God speaks so clearly and yet it is the hardest thing to say goodbye when you weren't exactly preparing for it. We also now are learning what blind faith really is, and I'm grateful for that. I have never been so certain of anything despite neither of us having a job or a place to call our own; these waves continue to surround me and I am at peace.
How is that? How can I have peace when all I feel is that I have no control of the stern? Well, I don't know exactly how to answer that. I would be lying if I said I wasn't fearful, because I am in some ways. I fear that money will get too tight or that I'll never hold this baby in my arms; it frightens me to think that I don't know where we're going or if this is all there is. I will admit that the waves overwhelm me, but I KNOW in whom I BELIEVE. He is at the head of this boat I'm on, and He is my Captain. No matter which storm I encounter, my Lord knows what is right. He knows which way I need to go. He realizes that these waves are best for me and no one else. He chooses me. These storms were made just for me, and I'm beyond thrilled to ride them out.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Leap of Faith
Therefore they said to him, “How were your eyes opened?” He answered and said, “A Man called Jesus made mud and anointed my eyes and said to me, ‘Go to the pool of Siloam and wash.’ So I went and washed, and I received sight.”
John 9:10-11
Jumping into puddles was SO easy when I was a child. It would thrill me, after each storm, to run through these little miracles God had left behind. The mud and the drops that splattered onto my legs never bothered me at all. Turns out I'm not a child anymore, and the truth is every spot irritates me to no end.
The mud on my legs has been quite evident lately. It's been no question to those of you who know me what I've been covered with. You know how my heart aches and what it is I've been longing for, and yet none of those things have come to pass. The puddles continue to pile up around me, and my heart longs for an escape from them all.
Instead of taking these "acts of God" head on, I've tiptoed around them. I've been so scared of getting dirty. I've been clinging to my clean clothes and worrying that the stains that may have found themselves splattered into my life would never come out.
The stains life leaves behind usually cannot be washed away. As they settle into the fabric of who we are, God has no intention of you doing His laundry. He simply uses each spot as a testament of who He is and how faithful we are. Will we spend load after load trying to rid ourselves of these blots, or will we simply trust that He is God and has a special purpose for each blemish?
With all of this in mind, I have quickly learned that each puddle is made for me. I can either run straight through it, wallow in the mud, or tiptoe around the water. There aren't many other options... Dirty may be the only way I can come out, but dirty is what I am, a simple sinner saved by God's grace. God's using the mud to clean me up. Romans 8:28 says that, "All things work together for good to them that love God..." ALL THINGS. Every single puddle. Each spot of mud. He uses them all.
Instead of spending my days avoiding the puddles that life brings me, I should take them head on, full force, and wait for the cleaning. I've realized that maybe God hasn't intended for me to have exactly what I want. All these things I've been stained with are preparing me for the future. Right now is not the future. What God had in store for my life was a brand new puddle, and it's going to take a lot of mud to get through.
I'm plunging straight into college. Not motherhood, not teaching, not housework... College.
I have applied to an Online Elementary Education Master's program from Western Kentucky University and if accepted, will begin classes on Monday, August 25th. Yes, it sounds strange. It's proably crossed your mind that I just washed my hands of teaching a little over three months ago... But God wasn't completely finished. He wanted me to go back, get my hands dirty, and love learning all over again... Here it is, one of the biggest puddles I've faced, and yet the only way around this one is a leap of faith...
John 9:10-11
Jumping into puddles was SO easy when I was a child. It would thrill me, after each storm, to run through these little miracles God had left behind. The mud and the drops that splattered onto my legs never bothered me at all. Turns out I'm not a child anymore, and the truth is every spot irritates me to no end.
The mud on my legs has been quite evident lately. It's been no question to those of you who know me what I've been covered with. You know how my heart aches and what it is I've been longing for, and yet none of those things have come to pass. The puddles continue to pile up around me, and my heart longs for an escape from them all.
Instead of taking these "acts of God" head on, I've tiptoed around them. I've been so scared of getting dirty. I've been clinging to my clean clothes and worrying that the stains that may have found themselves splattered into my life would never come out.
The stains life leaves behind usually cannot be washed away. As they settle into the fabric of who we are, God has no intention of you doing His laundry. He simply uses each spot as a testament of who He is and how faithful we are. Will we spend load after load trying to rid ourselves of these blots, or will we simply trust that He is God and has a special purpose for each blemish?
With all of this in mind, I have quickly learned that each puddle is made for me. I can either run straight through it, wallow in the mud, or tiptoe around the water. There aren't many other options... Dirty may be the only way I can come out, but dirty is what I am, a simple sinner saved by God's grace. God's using the mud to clean me up. Romans 8:28 says that, "All things work together for good to them that love God..." ALL THINGS. Every single puddle. Each spot of mud. He uses them all.
Instead of spending my days avoiding the puddles that life brings me, I should take them head on, full force, and wait for the cleaning. I've realized that maybe God hasn't intended for me to have exactly what I want. All these things I've been stained with are preparing me for the future. Right now is not the future. What God had in store for my life was a brand new puddle, and it's going to take a lot of mud to get through.
I'm plunging straight into college. Not motherhood, not teaching, not housework... College.
I have applied to an Online Elementary Education Master's program from Western Kentucky University and if accepted, will begin classes on Monday, August 25th. Yes, it sounds strange. It's proably crossed your mind that I just washed my hands of teaching a little over three months ago... But God wasn't completely finished. He wanted me to go back, get my hands dirty, and love learning all over again... Here it is, one of the biggest puddles I've faced, and yet the only way around this one is a leap of faith...
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I Know You're There
In anticipation of what is to come, I sometimes get anxious and begin focusing on what lies ahead instead of what is here and now. I forget the words of my Father which say, "Be anxious for nothing but by prayer and supplication make your requests known unto God." I often hear myself saying, "Lord, give me this, if it's in Your will." I never once think to ask for anything. I just expect it of Him, like He owes me a favor.
That's the most pitiful part of how I've been thinking lately. He owes me something... I've felt as though He's taken enough from me, and if I started a list, it would go on for days. I haven't been able to grasp fully what it means when Job said, "The Lord giveth and taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord." I think because I've become so familiar with the giveth and taketh part that I am sick to go on any further in the verse.
If you do a job, you expect to receive pay for it. If you offer a gift, you want a "thank you" for it. If you give your time, you hope to receive recognition for doing so. I think that very same mind frame has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my relationship with Christ. I find myself thinking, "Lord, you asked me to quit my job, give me something else to do. Lord, you took my baby, give me another one now. Lord, our grandparents and father have passed, don't You owe me anything for that?!"
God doesn't owe me anything. Truthfully, He's already given me the gift of eternal life, what more do I need?! Well, I (think I) need more friends, another child, more time and opportunity, etc. Why should I receive anything else? What have I done for Him? God is not a "give and take" service; He is a Sovereign God who loves me unconditionally. He doesn't expect me to understand His reasoning, and He knows I am going to be doubtful after each thing is out of my hands. I believe that He does, however, expect and hopes for my faithfulness.
And I'm, for one, lacking in that area, in a BIG way. Let me explain myself a little, simply because I know it is shameful. I've waited five months for a child, I've waited 2 months for God to show me what it is I'm supposed to be doing, and I've gone 382 days without my Nana. I am angry that I have to go without. It feels as if He's taken the best from me, and I feel disappointed when there aren't two pink lines or when I don't have another job or because I miss my family. Do you hear me? I have gotten back to the point like I had in high school with the "It's All About Me" attitude. My faith is gone because I'm focused on what I don't have rather that trusting in what I've already been given.
God knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11), but no where in scripture does He promise to give, give, and give some more. He doesn't intend for me to know what lies ahead, nor does He offer me the things I want so desperately because He knows that they will also become a means of doubting Him. God has perfect intentions in all He does, in all He gives, AND in all He takes away. It's a hard line to swallow, but I have to realize it's not about me. It's about His plan, His timing, and His sovereign will, and I just have to know that He's there. And He is...
That's the most pitiful part of how I've been thinking lately. He owes me something... I've felt as though He's taken enough from me, and if I started a list, it would go on for days. I haven't been able to grasp fully what it means when Job said, "The Lord giveth and taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord." I think because I've become so familiar with the giveth and taketh part that I am sick to go on any further in the verse.
If you do a job, you expect to receive pay for it. If you offer a gift, you want a "thank you" for it. If you give your time, you hope to receive recognition for doing so. I think that very same mind frame has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my relationship with Christ. I find myself thinking, "Lord, you asked me to quit my job, give me something else to do. Lord, you took my baby, give me another one now. Lord, our grandparents and father have passed, don't You owe me anything for that?!"
God doesn't owe me anything. Truthfully, He's already given me the gift of eternal life, what more do I need?! Well, I (think I) need more friends, another child, more time and opportunity, etc. Why should I receive anything else? What have I done for Him? God is not a "give and take" service; He is a Sovereign God who loves me unconditionally. He doesn't expect me to understand His reasoning, and He knows I am going to be doubtful after each thing is out of my hands. I believe that He does, however, expect and hopes for my faithfulness.
And I'm, for one, lacking in that area, in a BIG way. Let me explain myself a little, simply because I know it is shameful. I've waited five months for a child, I've waited 2 months for God to show me what it is I'm supposed to be doing, and I've gone 382 days without my Nana. I am angry that I have to go without. It feels as if He's taken the best from me, and I feel disappointed when there aren't two pink lines or when I don't have another job or because I miss my family. Do you hear me? I have gotten back to the point like I had in high school with the "It's All About Me" attitude. My faith is gone because I'm focused on what I don't have rather that trusting in what I've already been given.
God knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11), but no where in scripture does He promise to give, give, and give some more. He doesn't intend for me to know what lies ahead, nor does He offer me the things I want so desperately because He knows that they will also become a means of doubting Him. God has perfect intentions in all He does, in all He gives, AND in all He takes away. It's a hard line to swallow, but I have to realize it's not about me. It's about His plan, His timing, and His sovereign will, and I just have to know that He's there. And He is...
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Down on My Knees
Do you remember how good you felt when that band-aid was placed upon your knee after having fallen off your bike? It wasn't as if anything miraculous had actually occurred; it was the simple thought of being taken care of, like that bandage would prevent more pain.
If you were like me in your younger years, it wouldn't be but a week later you were landing on that same spot before the scab was even gone. The hit you took hurt triple the pain you'd experienced before, but you found yourself avoiding those same circumstances in any way you possibly could.
NOT ME. I'd get right back on that bike and take the fall... a repeated number of times. I loved getting band-aid after band-aid and enjoyed even more the fact that my dad would be there taking care of it. He was also the one who encouraged me to get back up and try again. He'd tell me that if I wasn't bleeding that I'd be fine. He usually was right...
And my Father is telling me that I will be fine, but I feel as though I've been knocked down yet again. However, this injury is as heartbreaking as the last three. If you don't remember, just last July, my beloved Nana passed away after a long battle with Alzheimer's. Just a month later, Brian lost his God-fearing Grandaddy in a timely death. This past February, we learned that our firstborn child had been taken from the womb straight into Heaven. Just days ago, on Thursday, May 8th, we learned that Brian's dad of 48-years-old had not risen from his sleep.
Though I feel as though God has kicked me in the shins before the previous bruises had even healed, I realize there is a purpose. Maybe I am on my knees now to prove that God is sovereign, and He is in complete control. Maybe someone, sometime, somewhere will need me for the loss I've endured, and at that point, in God's glory, I'll be able to point them to the source of these sore areas.
In all of this, I think back to those days when daddy would pick me up and put me back on that purple bike; his unfailing love and encouragement taught me to keep going, and that in time, the pain would be worth it when I rode over the hill. My Heavenly Daddy is exactly the same. He knows how bad the hurts hurt, and He understands how weak my flesh has become. Yet He loves me enough to let me fall down time and time again so that in my weakness, He is made strong.
There is nothing like a wound that won't heal, but when God is your physician, He knows what you need. I'm taking my battered and bruised self to His feet, and I am going to get down on my bandaged knees.
In Memory of:
Thomas Benjamin Johnson
Ethan Caleb Johnson
Bennie Lara Johnson
Jodean Honeycutt
If you were like me in your younger years, it wouldn't be but a week later you were landing on that same spot before the scab was even gone. The hit you took hurt triple the pain you'd experienced before, but you found yourself avoiding those same circumstances in any way you possibly could.
NOT ME. I'd get right back on that bike and take the fall... a repeated number of times. I loved getting band-aid after band-aid and enjoyed even more the fact that my dad would be there taking care of it. He was also the one who encouraged me to get back up and try again. He'd tell me that if I wasn't bleeding that I'd be fine. He usually was right...
And my Father is telling me that I will be fine, but I feel as though I've been knocked down yet again. However, this injury is as heartbreaking as the last three. If you don't remember, just last July, my beloved Nana passed away after a long battle with Alzheimer's. Just a month later, Brian lost his God-fearing Grandaddy in a timely death. This past February, we learned that our firstborn child had been taken from the womb straight into Heaven. Just days ago, on Thursday, May 8th, we learned that Brian's dad of 48-years-old had not risen from his sleep.
Though I feel as though God has kicked me in the shins before the previous bruises had even healed, I realize there is a purpose. Maybe I am on my knees now to prove that God is sovereign, and He is in complete control. Maybe someone, sometime, somewhere will need me for the loss I've endured, and at that point, in God's glory, I'll be able to point them to the source of these sore areas.
In all of this, I think back to those days when daddy would pick me up and put me back on that purple bike; his unfailing love and encouragement taught me to keep going, and that in time, the pain would be worth it when I rode over the hill. My Heavenly Daddy is exactly the same. He knows how bad the hurts hurt, and He understands how weak my flesh has become. Yet He loves me enough to let me fall down time and time again so that in my weakness, He is made strong.
There is nothing like a wound that won't heal, but when God is your physician, He knows what you need. I'm taking my battered and bruised self to His feet, and I am going to get down on my bandaged knees.
In Memory of:
Thomas Benjamin Johnson
Ethan Caleb Johnson
Bennie Lara Johnson
Jodean Honeycutt
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