It was one year ago today that I held my 4 year old in a recovery room waiting for him to awake from anesthesia from his first MRI. It was eerily quiet, and I remember as I held him feeling so peaceful in that moment. He had suffered for over a month and a half from awful headaches, sickening nausea, frustrating tingling in his hands, and the worst numbness in his legs and feet leaving him unable to stand at moments. Yet, in that room, with the steady beeps from hospital machines and nurses footsteps, I felt a calm.
I didn't know, in that moment, that he would be diagnosed with a brain malformation or that he had a cyst on his pineal gland in his brain as well. I didn't realize that he would need to have further MRIs throughout the week and his life to check on the size or growth of both. I couldn't foresee that he would need a neurologist or a neurosurgeon and that we would need to speak and visit one or both of them every few weeks/months. I couldn't have guessed that he would need medication to control migraines and his symptoms or that, when not well controlled, they can cause other problems within the brain as they did. I had no idea, in that moment, that he would be stricken with seizures. I couldn't imagine then how helpless he would seem as the medicine tried to help actually caused terrible reactions to his body. I wasn't picturing in that room what might be ahead for him or us... I only felt peace.
The past year has been one of the toughest of my life, but as I look back to the day before Samuel was diagnosed, I am overwhelmed by the fact that God wanted me to feel His presence. He didn't want me to look ahead. He didn't want me to worry or try to figure it all out ahead of time as He already had. He wanted me to be still, hold our son, and rest in His perfect peace.
I have struggled with resting lately. I have been saddened by Samuel's situation and how he's hurting, but I was reminded by a friend that it's possible I am looking back today as a reminder to rest in that peace all over again. God knew what was coming, yet He provided the calmness I needed that day on March 9, 2015, to hold my resting son and to prepare my heart for what was to come. Peace. It's what I must choose one year later... for my son AND for me.