Last Night...

When Samuel went to sleep last night, it was quick. He had complained about being dizzy so I wondered what the night would hold. I went to my room, trying to calm my thoughts, and was typing his symptom into my calendar when I realized he was 14 days seizure free. How my heart filled with praise!

It may not seem like much, but we haven't had to wake in the middle of the night to the sound of him having a seizure for 14 days. Sure, the possibility is there every evening (and day truthfully), but to our knowledge, Samuel has had two weeks free of this.

We don't know what lies ahead or what God has in store, but we're thanking Him in this moment for rescuing our son for this brief time... for clearing his head, for freeing his body, and for giving us peace. Last night was a blessing I don't take lightly.

Hope

As I sit beside Samuel in this hospital bed while the last few hours of his epilepsy monitoring come to an end, I cannot help but feel grateful. He has gone 10 days without an episode, and 3 of those 10 days were in the hospital without medication preventing it. I realize that these facts alone are reasons enough to praise God!

The past year has been a difficult yet hopeful one for Samuel. In January, he began having daily headaches. By March, he was diagnosed with a chiari brain malformation and a pineal cyst. Not long after that, his neurologist confirmed he was having migraines. He has been on different medications, and the side effects have been intense at times. In September, he began having these episodes that were later diagnosed as seizures in October.

However, despite all of this, he began Kindergarten (homeschooling). He learned how to ride a bike. He played his first season of soccer. He knows how to add and subtract. He enjoys writing letters for others and putting them in envelopes. He is a giver and has taken on the joy of blessing others with this. He has learned to save his money and keeps a wallet. He knows sight words and is reading. He loves church, singing, and praying.

I had hoped the doctors would get more information from this hospital stay and that they could tell us exactly what was going on. I wanted to wake in the middle of the night last night, as we have so many times over the last 3 months, to the sound of him needing me. I needed more so they could help us help him.

But God...

In the midst of my wishfulness, God tells me that I already have all that I need. He is the Creator of this unique, precious boy, and He knows exactly what is going on inside of him. He knows when he is waking in the middle of the night, and God is there before my husband and I can rush to his bedside. He tells me that wavy lines aren't the answers I need today. He reminds me to trust that He is in control. He already knew that the doctors wouldn't get what they needed because He has something else in store. What that is may not be for me to know right now, and I have to realize that God Himself is enough.

Whatever you may be facing today, do not let what you want get in the way of what God has planned. Last night, I was selfishly hoping for an episode. However, as I look in the smiling face of my boy this morning, I see that God wanted to bless us with ten days of being seizure free! God's ways are good, and He knows what is best. Allowing Him to have His way makes room for hope. That is what I feel this morning more than anything else.

Waiting on You

Last night (Saturday), it was close to midnight before Samuel fell asleep, and I prayed over him that God would watch over and protect him as he slept. It's a strange thing... wanting your child to be safe from harm but waiting for him to have an episode.

When the first neurologist arrived around six something this morning (Sunday), I was reminded that God's plan was no seizure on night one of epilepsy monitoring (EMU). Samuel had slept well, and when the team of neurologists came an hour later, they asked questions concerning his episodes and how they normally present themselves. The attending epileptologist was grateful for my detailed descriptions and said that Samuel's sound very indicative of seizures.  She decided he would not take his medication for a second day in a row to induce seizure activity. They said we would just keep waiting.

Samuel had a long day, though. He became more frustrated and bothered by the gauze and wires, saying they itched. He played app after app, but he was just so exhausted, he wasn't too thrilled doing anything. He got a big surprise when his Aunt Jessica and Mimi came and brought a bag of goodies! He was so tired after they left that he fell asleep. While he was sleeping, another visitor came.  Daddy came and brought more cookies.

However, Samuel has been quite the tough one to break because he ignores most anyone who walks in the room - all of the nurses and doctors! He has not enjoyed getting his vitals taken or having to take his antibiotic for a cough he has / had prior to arriving. He has not talked to his nurses at all!  

Tonight ( Sunday still ), we rented a movie from the Vanderbilt DVD kiosk. The nurses told us it was like the uncool cousin version of Redbox or Netflix. They gave us a card, almost like a library or gift card, that is ours while we are here, and we can rent one movie at a time with it for free. We watched 2 tonight. Samuel thought it was great! 

It seems so simple to wait. Wait until he has an episode. Wait until we get what we need. Wait until he has a seizure then press the black button. I think that I am starting to realize that it isn't about the wait as much as it is about my surrender. I have sat in this room looking at Samuel thinking the reason we are here just cannot be possible, yet I have prayed to the Lord to protect him at least a dozen times since yesterday. Lord, if it be Your will. No matter what happens here or at home with Samuel, God is and will be exactly what we need and have been waiting for. So, tonight, as our sweet boy sleeps, if God has chosen this path for us, then I will wait.

Pictures include: waking up, smiling with Mimi, grins with Aunt Jessica, movie with Mom, napping, cookies with Daddy, and bedtime.

Falling into Place

As we drove to Vanderbilt this afternoon, Samuel was quiet. I had prepared him. Brian had prayed over him. Daniel was genuinely concerned about him. Elias had hugged him. However, the silence in the van was deafening, and I was worried that maybe he was worried.

He wasn't, he assured me.

We were short on time, but we were listening to the radio when we were just over 10 minutes away when a familiar song came on. Tears filled my eyes, and I snapped a picture of my watch. I didn't want to forget when God reminded me to let go of worry and to let Him hold us. It was perfectly planned, if you ask me.

Here are the lyrics that comforted me:
"So, when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away. You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held. Your world's not falling apart; it's falling into place. I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held. Just be held, just be held."
Just Be Held by Casting Crowns

Tonight, we are settled in our room. He is flipping through channels with his sweet head wrapped in gauze. Earlier today, he had to sit incredibly still as a tech strategically placed the 21 EEG wires on his head, then glued and dried them. It was physically uncomfortable for me to watch because he was so nervous through each placement and drying. His eyes would fill with tears and he gripped my hands. I was so amazed at how this timid child bravely got through this. The tech wrapped the wires in gauze so that they wouldn't be exposed over the next few days.

He then had to endure a series of tests that induce seizures. He did fine, but he was soon complaining of a headache. It is still bothering him 2 hours later.

The rest of the day, he has eaten supper, played electronics, and walked around the room. He even had his favorite people visit! Daddy, Daniel, and Elias brought cookies that had an I ♡ U and a :) on them and actually had him balloons. It is going better than I could have imagined thus far, but of course, God's plan are far better than mine.

The doctor has decided not to give him his regular medication tonight in the anticipation of bringing about a seizure with the addition of today's testings. We are thankful to have nurses and doctors watching him during this process!

Pictures include: the moment God blessed me on the way to the hospital, two thumbs up to arriving in our room, Momma and Samuel, attaching the wires, gauze in place, Daddy and Samuel with the special cookies, brothers in the hospital bed, and sleepy buddy.

God is Here

Update on Samuel's Condition:

We respectfully ask that you do not mention his condition to our children.

It came as a shock when Samuel started waking in the middle of the night on September 16th.  The first time it happened, I was in the laundry room folding clothes when he walked over to me without saying a word.  He began to cry but never once looked at me.  The next time it occurred was 5 days later, except he didn't get up.  He sat up in the bed, screaming my name over and over.  I ran to his side, but he never looked at me.  He went right back to sleep.  The following time was the same way, different word/phrase, and Brian handled it just as I had, reassuring him that we were there, laying him down when he calmed, and watching him as he fell back to sleep.  The fourth time was very similar.  We began to assume his migraine medication was causing him to have night terrors, and we had called his neurologist with this concern.  She had scheduled an EEG for late October to check.

However, things changed on October 6th.  With Brian out of town for a conference, Samuel woke up screaming as usual.  I went running.  He said my name over and over, but he never looked at me or turned his head.  He was sitting straight up. His hands were cupped, but he was putting one on top of the other, over and over again.  Then, I noticed that his legs were stiff and toes were curled under, and I started to feel overwhelmed as he repeated my name.  I kept reminding him that, "Mommy is here.  Can you see Mom?  I am right here.  Are you hurting?  Are you okay?"  It felt like it went on for eternity.  I know at some point I started getting worried, and I thought back to the times in which we taught Samuel verses to relieve him from thinking about his migraines.  I was so focused on what was happening to Samuel that those verses weren't coming to mind, but this phrase was, "God is here."  So, I continued to tell Samuel, "Samuel, Mom is here, and God is here, do you know that?!  He's here."  Eventually, he stopped crying, and the intensity ceased.  He didn't lay down, though; he just slouched over.  I carefully laid him down and watched as he continued to breathe.  He never once looked at me.  

I texted a dear friend because Brian didn't answer, and she helped me to make the decision to call the on-call neurologist.  He instructed me to sleep near Samuel, watch his breathing, and call our neurologist the next morning.  

The next morning proved difficult for Samuel as his right leg was very weak.  I soon called the neurologist.  She got us an EEG for the next day (10/8).  Within a few days, we had the results.  His night terrors were actually seizures.  We had an MRI (10/14) a few days later to check his cyst and chiari which showed no significant changes.  He had a terrible time with the MRI and was incredibly nauseous following it.  Days following were fast, and the appointments and calls were many.  We've learned that it seems he is having partial, temporal lobe seizures, and because he's had many at this point, he is considered epileptic.  He has had to change medicine, but because after he changed it, he had two episodes in a row, we had to double the dosage.  He's doing better now and not had an episode/seizure since this past weekend when he had a few.  

We will need to know for sure what kind of seizures he is having by having an extended hospital stay at the end of November.  This gives the medication time to work and him time to prepare for the idea of staying.  Thankfully, the doctors do not believe his cyst and chiari are connected or causing the seizures.

I will be honest... this has not been easy on our family.  It's surprising to us, but it doesn't surprise the Lord.  It has taken our breath away and scared us.  A LOT.  Watching our child hurt and suffer without being able to help is hard.  It's reminded us to remain on our knees in prayer and to ask the Lord (and our family and friends) for HELP and for PRAYER as well.  We cannot do this on our own.  However, our God is big, and He is mighty to save and heal.  I sometimes think that we are stuck in this situation, but this is not the end.  It's only the beginning of the story on the way to God's glory. 

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us. 

Romans 8:18

Please consider our Samuel when you pray.  We're clinging to the fact that God is here.

In His name,
The Johnson Family

Perspective

I had a wise man today tell me that he just didn't believe it. He was going to choose to trust that God could heal Samuel's condition of Chiari, and he was going to pray to that end.

Do you know what I said?! I immediately told him it was unlikely. That the same MAN (Jesus) who made the lame walk, blind see, and dead rise couldn't reverse or heal this malformation within my child's head?! Standing there with him, it was easy to state medical facts that I have researched or been told, but my faith perspective wasn't coming into focus.

Oh, but he made me see it so differently. I don't know what will happen, but I sure want to change my perspective in light of this conversation. It is so easy to become focused on the difficulties of this condition and the symptoms we are facing and lose sight of WHO is in control of it. God does not change. He does not love us any less. He wants us to cling to Him that much more. I believe that this will be what God decides it to be, and I pray Samuel's Chiari story (and whatever else he is diagnosed with) will be used to bring the Lord glory.

Perspective... it changes everything, and lately, I am sorry to say I have been looking at links online instead of facts in THE BOOK - the holy, inspired Word of God. My friend today gave me perspective, and I really needed to hear it.

Miraculous Mammoth Cave

Following Monday's MRI results, we felt both relieved and ready to face what is to come.  We knew is wasn't going to be easy, but to be honest, we were thankful that the neurosurgeon was thorough and detailed.  His requiring of 6 more weeks of symptom logging really discouraged me at the moment of the appointment, but as the day progressed, I (Jenna) was able to see how God was gracious in that.  He was supplying me the ability to be patient with both Him and our little boy.

In the midst of this appointment, God had ordained it that some of our dearest friends would be in town, a couple from Alaska and a family from Missouri.  These precious friends have prayed over us and supported us in so many ways, and they are brothers and sisters in the faith.  Having them here in Tennessee AT THE SAME TIME and during the time of Samuel's appointment was, without any doubt, orchestrated by the Lord.  The Calhouns, from Missouri, had asked if we wanted to join them on a trip to Mammoth Cave following Samuel's results if all went well, and praise God, it did.

Going to Mammoth Cave with 5 children under the age of 5 shouldn't be called miraculous unless you survive...  which we did and REALLY enjoyed it!  :)  I had my doubts in all honesty about whether or not Samuel could handle the rigorous journey into the cave.  Our tour guide was very honest about that beforehand...  I felt how red my face was becoming by the second.  Nerves were getting the best of me.  I feared that Samuel would get tired or his feet would get numb.  I was worried we couldn't carry him the 2 1/2 miles it would require to get down into and back up out of the cave.  I also was thinking about the other 4 little ones we had with us...  oh, wow, that's a lot of littles.

However, the further we traveled into the cave, the sweeter it became.  The children helped one another.  They really didn't complain all that often.  They held hands.  They laughed together.  They showed one another things they found or saw that amazed them.  My fear and worry turned into joy because they were demonstrating the true beauty of fellowship and friendship.  It was what our family needed that day.  If Samuel was hurting, he didn't mention it, and I truly believe it was because his buddies were right beside him every step of the way.  After weeks and months of pain and aches, it was a miracle in my eyes...

I walked away that day thankful for so many things:

• the Creator
• the ability to KNOW Him
• for results and a plan for our son
• friendships and fellowship
• saying yes when you aren't sure you want to
• for friends who know what you need 
• that our children have Godly friends
• laughter
• good days
• lack of symptoms
• miracles
• God-ordained days
• pizza :)
• for naps in the car
• trusting in the Unseen

There's just something about boys and rocks...

Our crew listening to the tour guide,

whose pre-cave pep talk 

made me a wee bit nervous.

Samuel and Jenna 

before heading into Mammoth Cave

Brian in the cave

Brian, Elias, and Daniel in the cave

(please notice Elias - 

he is making his new "smile for the camera"

face; he makes it ALL of the time now)

Big Buddies in the Dark

Holding Hands

This picture was impossible.

Well, not necessarily.

Only if we wanted all of them looking.

The Johnson family

Please respect that we are shepherding our children through the process of Samuel's diagnosis and ask that you refrain from speaking about it to them.

http://jennarjohnson.blogspot.com/2015/03/seeing-through-suffering.html

From This Point Forward...

We met with Samuel's neurosurgeon this morning after learning two weeks ago today that he has a Type 1 Chiari Malformation and a Pineal Gland Cyst.  His symptoms began in January with headaches and have since progressed this month to dizziness, nausea, tingling/numbness in hands and feet, itching, weakness, etc.  After a spine MRI on March 13th, we were to learn the results.

Thankfully, Samuel's spinal cord is normal and has not been affected by the malformation in his brain!  There has been no tethering or appearance of cysts.  

From this point, we will continue to monitor and journal his symptoms over the next six weeks to provide the neurosurgeon the data needed to determine whether a Chiari decompression surgery is needed in Samuel's case. 

In the meantime, we will visit a ophthalmologist and neurologist to see if they can provide further details or answers regarding Samuel's symptoms.  We will meet back with the neurosurgeon in six weeks.  Pray for continued grace through the daily struggle, adequate rest, and wisdom as we schedule appointments, log his symptoms, and determine whether surgery is needed at this time.

We will communicate from this point forward on this blog to keep you updated and provide you with specific ways on how you can pray for our family.

Please respect that we are shepherding our children through this process and ask that you refrain from speaking about it to them.

http://jennarjohnson.blogspot.com/2015/03/seeing-through-suffering.html

Seeing through Suffering

On Monday, March 9th, we took Samuel into Vanderbilt Children's Hospital for a sedated MRI of his brain.  He has been complaining of headaches since late January, and after experiencing other symptoms of nausea and dizziness, though these could signal a sinus infection or migraines, our pediatrician saw signs of neither.  After his exam, he felt it best that Samuel have this test done.  We were expecting the results but not as quickly as we received them.

On Tuesday, the next day, our pediatrician relayed the news that Samuel, in fact, had two abnormalities on his MRI.  We were informed of them and waited for our next call.

On Wednesday, we heard from the neurosurgeon nurse practitioner who explained the MRI results and gave more details about what we would do from this point.  We were to begin taking detailed notes of Samuel's symptoms, and he would be having an MRI of his spine two days later.  She also informed us that Samuel would meet with his neurosurgeon on Monday, March 23rd.  The seriousness of the situation began to sink in.

On Friday, Samuel had a sedated MRI of his spine.  He handled it all very well, considering how challenging it must be for a four-year-old to process.

Over the next week, we continued to journal Samuel's symptoms, and they progressively worsened. From dizziness and itching to tingling hands and numb feet, he went from what we thought was perfectly fine in December to having difficulty holding his toothbrush and using his scissors in March. There have been moments when he is unable to stand because his feet are numb and nights when he cannot sleep well because his head aches so fiercely.  He appears fine to most, but there were definite changes... and we saw them.

Do you know what we also saw?!

We saw God open doors miraculously.  We saw Him take care of our son when we felt unable at times.  We saw friends love us through calls, texts, and meals.  We saw the church pray, and we FELT it.  We saw the Word come to life.  We saw the importance of staying IN the Word and filling our hearts and minds with truth from it.  We saw how necessary it was to love each other.  We saw the need for being thankful for what we have.

It hasn't been easy, but I KNOW that God didn't make mistakes when He made this precious boy of ours.  The doctors say he has a Type 1 Chiari Malformation which is a brain defect, and he also has a cyst on his pineal gland.  Both of these are making it difficult for spinal fluid to flow freely and putting pressure on his brain.  Although we are, I know that God isn't surprised by these.  God still has a plan to receive glory through this situation with Samuel, and we are praying to that end.

We will communicate from this point forward on this blog to keep you updated and provide you with specific ways on how you can pray for our family.

Please respect that we are shepherding our children through this process and ask that you refrain from speaking about it to them.

Calling Me... Home.

I have been called many things in my life, and in that time, I have also been called to do many things I wasn't quite ready or necessarily equipped to accomplish.  However, it was in the process of accepting the calling that I realized that God didn't expect me to have it all figured out.  He only wanted me to answer His calling.

Per His calling, I have knelt at an altar and begged for forgiveness of my sins.  I have ended relationships that He didn't approve.  I have walked away from friendships that weren't good for me.  I have resigned from what I thought were perfect positions because God had even better things planned.  I have started what-seemed-strange-to-others projects, felt burdened to make random phone calls, and was led to go from single to engaged in eight days to my pastor.  These things wouldn't have been possible without God.

I stand in a place of calling again...  except this time, God is calling me to a place that I already am.  I understand fully how weird that sounds, but the Lord is leading me HOME.

In 2008, He made it clear that I was to leave my wonderful teaching position to come home, but it didn't make sense to me at the time.  I wasn't coming home to babies.  In fact, I had just miscarried our first child.  I was heartbroken, but I realized His calling was more important than my understanding.  In my own will, I enrolled in a Master's program, but just in time, God answered that misstep of mine with a positive pregnancy test.  I stayed home with all three of our sons and have been blessed by that opportunity!  In 2013, as our first born was about to enter pre-kindergarten in his Mother's Day Out program, his director actually asked me to take on the position as the pre-K teacher.  While I didn't think anything of it at first, my husband and I knew God wanted me to, so I accepted the position.  I loved teaching my son and my friends' children!  I saw firsthand how important the younger years were and how valuable instilling godly traits into our children was in that first year there.

The start to this school year (2014) was no different.  I was teaching pre-K, and our second son was in my class.  Our energetic first born started Kindergarten, and I was so excited for him that I could bust, having been a former Kindergarten teacher.  It came as a surprise when he didn't enjoy school...  he focused intently on the behavior chart, the language and attitudes of others, and questioned his own self.  My heart became burdened.  I couldn't understand why he didn't love the thing I adored...  until I began to pray.

Our son would make statements about wanting me to be his teacher, wishing he was still in my class, using our dinner table as our "school" table, etc.  I didn't know where he was getting these ideas, but I began to listen to what he was saying rather than ignore them.  I also started listening to what God was saying.  He was making His ways clear and His paths for our family straight, but I didn't want to see them.

I continued teaching pre-K and sending our son to Kindergarten, but he'd wake in tears and come home with attitude and changed behavior.  I know without a doubt God was using these things to change my heart, because He knew how much this teacher likes school.  He was helping me to see that I needed to love my children and God's needs for them MUCH more.

Through the month of December 2014, I heard God calling.  He was calling me away from my treasured position at Mother's Day Out.  He was calling our family away from public school which I support as a former educator.  God was calling me home.  He was calling me to step out in faith to homeschool our children, trust Him with our education, and believe that He can help me to teach and train them diligently as instructed in Deuteronomy 6:4-7:

The LORD our God, the LORD is one.  You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

So, I listened to the Lord.  I resigned from my position at MDO in January 2015 with the best response I could have ever imagined from our beloved director and friend.  I enrolled our son in a homeschool academy and purchased curriculum.  I informed his public school and teacher who were extremely understanding.  I have seen God orchestrate all of the details to perfection.

It hasn't been easy on my heart though, and I am sure the journey I have ahead of me will be a challenging one.  However, I have chosen obedience when I begin to question His plan.  I have decided to rest in His peace and let His Word comfort me when the idea of homeschooling becomes overwhelming.  The best place I have found in all of this is in the center of God's will, and for me right now, I realize that He is calling me...  to come HOME.

Something Right

Hit the snooze button...  not once, but three times.

Forgot that I'd made myself coffee.

Realized that I had no house key.

Left the house unlocked all day.

Failed to brush the boys' teeth.

Fussed at the boys for being slow.

Said "no" twenty times before we even got to school, 

   less than a mile from our house.

Arrived late...  on "Breakfast with Santa" day.

Locked myself out of the building.

Realized my zipper was broken.

Hadn't stopped to pray...  

However, school had started, and my class was bustling with excitement after having had breakfast with Santa and were ready to party and open gifts!  Nine of my eleven students (1 of them being Daniel) sat down at their desks with their journals opened to the heading, "What I Want for Christmas," and their mouths couldn't quiet enough for their fingers to even begin drawing.  I was rather hurried myself, getting things ready for crafts and ensuring that each child had brought a gift for the book exchange later in the day...  but that is when I overheard it... 

The phrase I wasn't really ready to hear come out of MY child's mouth:

"Santa isn't even real."

The little girls at his table all gasped.  He repeated it over again.  My heart became a bit overwhelmed, yet I felt the sweetest urge to let the conversation continue.  Daniel tried explaining the best he could.  "He's just a man who gets dressed up.  You know, like a Halloween costume, and he listens to you, but he really doesn't know what you need."  To be honest, he was telling these little ones the truth, but I knew these girls' hearts were breaking.  "We just have a lot of baby Jesus at our house and we read about when he was born and we get presents like him."

That's the moment I remember distinctly asking God to lead me.  

I stepped in, with the Lord's guidance, and began to give details about Daniel's bold statements.  I said, "I realize that Santa comes to your houses, but Santa Claus doesn't come to Daniel's house."  They were shocked.  "Daniel's Daddy and I love him and his brothers so much that we want to take care of giving them gifts at Christmas.  We've instructed Santa that we will take care of them, so he doesn't need to come to our home."  One precious girl asked, "How do you know what they want?  Like, what presents do they get on Christmas if Santa doesn't come?"  I continued, "I'm Daniel's Mommy, and to be honest, I think I know him better than most anyone!  (The girls laughed!)  I know what he needs and what he wants, and his Dad and I choose things we feel are best for him.  But, that isn't the only reason Santa doesn't come to our house..."

They all were listening so intently at this point, you could have heard a pin drop.  "Daniel, Samuel, and Elias are precious gifts to us, and they each get three gifts on Christmas.  Only three.  Sometimes you will get much more than that, but not at our house.  You see, the very first Christmas, a baby was born.  He wasn't just any baby; he was a gift to the world from God.  Wise men came to celebrate his birthday by bringing him three gifts:  gold, frankincense, and myrrh.  They brought him exactly what he needed and much more.  I know this is hard to understand, but we feel like our boys only need three because that is all that Jesus received.  We do that because we want to remember Jesus at Christmas, not Santa.  Does that make sense?"

They all shook their heads, but I realized questions were filling their minds...  

"I love Jesus, too, but is it okay if Santa still comes to my house?"

Daniel quickly responds, "SURE!  Just not me because I like baby Jesus more than Santa."  I agreed with him.  I went on further to say that there was nothing wrong with Santa, and it is wonderful if he comes to their homes.  I finished by saying that when they receive gifts from Santa to remember and be thankful for the best gift of all, JESUS!  All was well after this, and nothing else was really mentioned about it.

It was a moment I'll never forget for many reasons.  However, looking back at it tonight, God filled my heart with such joy as I thought about what Daniel had said.  His boldness in speaking truth, his relentless fervor for being right, and his unbridled spirit and love for the Lord have blessed me.  If it weren't for him, I would have never spoken so directly about Santa or Christ!  In a day when the morning had gone so wrong in so many different ways, God reminded me that I am doing something right.  

Daniel wasn't upset about being different.  He wasn't bothered that "Santa" isn't coming to his house.  He was intent on telling the truth and sharing what he felt was important.  God showed me, through the actions of our four-year-old, that being a child of God is being different.  It is doing things a bit peculiarly.  It is speaking truth and sharing His message when the opportunity arises.  It is all that I want to be found doing...  something right for the Lord.  

Daniel standing beside one of our "Names of Jesus" trees

Dear Mema

I can remember the first time I met you, Mema (pronounced mee-maw).  It was in February of 2007, and you were celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary to Granddaddy.  You weren't too sure of me, and understandably so, seeing as your grandson had told you just three weeks prior that he'd become engaged to a young woman at church who happened to be me.  We hadn't dated, and I'm sure your had your thoughts and opinions on that.  However, in our first meeting, I could tell you were an incredible woman.

As years passed, you proved my first thoughts on you to be true.  Whenever we visited home, you made sure to have breakfast on the table, clean sheets on the beds, and fresh linens ready for use.  You didn't talk much, but when you did, your opinion was blunt, honest, and sometimes, a little uncanny.  I learned that you liked things the way they are, didn't need anything new, and preferred your old bathrobe to any fancy, new one that we could purchase for you.  You liked pictures around your house, coffee in the pot, and your television always on.  You kept the house warm (almost blazing at times) and the stove full.  You said, "Hello," louder than I'd ever heard anyone over the phone, and you loved to talk about the rain, your crops, and whether or not we would be home soon.

Over time, I grew on you.  You became more excited to see us come, especially when we first learned we were pregnant just months after Granddaddy passed away.  You were anticipating that baby as much as we were, and when we lost it, I believe you hurt some too.  When I became pregnant again, you were ready, both in word and deed.  Your comments about my weight gain were hurtful and hilarious.  I could have lost a pound, and you would say I had gained ten.  You made me laugh by cooking my favorite foods, after learning that, although a country girl, I had no taste for beans, greens, or cornbread.  I could expect a full pot of mashed potatoes, a blue bowl full of green beans, and a dish full of sweet potatoes, fixed better than anyone could ever fix them.  You loved me in ways I didn't realize then.  When Daniel was finally born, I can remember you coming to visit just three weeks after he was born.  I was pretty "hefty" as you said, but you were smitten over Daniel.  I watched as you beamed with joy leaning over his baby swing.

You are a grandmother in every sense of the word.  You love your grandbabies and great-grandbabies with all you have in you.  You provide for them in every way you can.  You fix them their favorite waffles with tons of butter and syrup then make chocolate milk and keep it coming all day long.  You always have animal crackers and Cheerios for the little ones, and your closet is full of old toys to keep them entertained, although they are the same toys that have been there since I joined the family.  The old John Deere four-wheeler toy you have is a favorite of the boys (where is it as of lately?!), and you laugh so hard watching Daniel, Samuel, and Elias attempt to ride it around the house.  You love them, and they love you.

Mema, I realize that it's almost time for you to go home yourself.  You've proven yourself determined and strong over the past three weeks.  You suffered a stroke, were paralyzed on your left side, and were not swallowing, and yet, a week later, you decided you didn't want a feeding tube by ripping it out and then showed you were strong enough to go home by beginning to eat and respond.  You've been at home for a week and have done really well, so well in fact, that the boys and I came to visit you!  Daniel and Samuel had made you cards, and you thanked them for them!  The boys couldn't understand why you weren't able to get up, and Mema, I wish we knew for sure.

However, I know that God is getting ready to call you home.  I don't want you to go, but I don't want you to stay.  I hope you see Granddaddy, Thomas (your son), and Cindy (your daughter-in-law).  I want you to see the babies that we never got to meet here on Earth.  I want you to walk again.  I want you to smile and talk again.  I want you to be the wonderful woman I met 6 years ago on your 50th anniversary.  I want you to get to be YOU again, but in Heaven, you'll be an even better you, and I couldn't ask for anything more!

The memories I hold in my heart of you are precious, but knowing you'll soon be seeing Jesus makes me so excited I can hardly stand it.  Please, please, don't worry about us.  We'll be okay; you've raised your family in such a way that there's no way they wouldn't be.  They are strong, determined, and grounded in Christ.  Go home to Him.  Until we meet again...

Mema and Granddaddy on their 50th Anniversary

February 2007

Mema, Brian, and I at our wedding shower

March 2007

Our Wedding and Both Sides of the Families

March 31, 2007 

Holding Daniel for the first time

May 2009

Sweet Mema

May 2009

Meeting Elias

May 2012

Mema with all 7 of her great-grandchildren

July 2012

Brian and his Mema at his Master's Degree Ceremony

December 2012

Daniel loves his Mema!

Visiting May 2013

Brian, Samuel, and Mema

May 2013

Train and Obey

I gave the boys one instruction before they went outside:  Do NOT get into the mosquito-infested, swamp-looking swimming pool.  After 20 minutes, it came as no surprise to find Daniel standing at the back door, soaking wet.

There are moments in parenting that pass me by, and I don't take the opportunity to teach or train as God would have me.  However, today, as my blonde-haired, strong-willed child was covered in gnats and dirty pool water, I literally felt as if the Lord had sent me back to Genesis 3 where the fall of man occurred.  Sure, Daniel's disobedience wasn't the same as Adam and Eve's, but my heart was burdened, imagining what God must have felt as his children deliberately neglected His Word.

At first, I admit I was angry.  I knew he had heard my instruction, as I had repeated three times before they headed into the backyard.  The fact that he had played so well without getting into the pool for twenty minutes then decided to break the one rule I gave him really frustrated me.  Why, oh why, would he jump into the pool at all?!  All I could muster up to say to Daniel was, "I'm sorry!  You can't play outside anymore today."  No explanation was really necessary in my mind, AT FIRST.

Standing on the patio, I told him to take off his disgusting clothes and bring them to me.  Daniel was mad, but I was livid.  As he gathered his wet items, he muttered complaints and then got very quiet.  He walked into the house and back to his room to get clean clothes.  I cared nothing about going to his room before getting hit hard by the Lord to go straight to him.

Water dripping off his little frame, I got down on my knees in front of him as he was asking what clothes he could wear.  "Daniel, do you know why you had to come inside?...  why Mommy is angry with your actions?"  He put his head down, then looked up and said, "Yes."  "Why?  What rule had Mommy given you before you went outside?"  He answered quickly, "Not to get into the pool."  He had heard me.  I knew he had.  "Why did you do that?"  He didn't really reply.  He just stayed quiet.  I told him that he had disappointed God by disobeying his Mommy.  It must have "clicked" with him because he then quoted Colossians 3:20, "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."  He received his consequence, cried, apologized, got dressed, and headed to the living room.

Now, I am relieved...  yet convicted.  I'm relieved because I truly believe he heard me and was truly repentant.  However, I'm beginning to understand the hurt I cause my heavenly Father when I disobey Him and His Word, and that is crazy convicting.  I want my children to understand the pain and disappointment that disobedience causes, and I realize that it won't happen overnight.  Take it from me, at thirty years old, I'm still learning to obey God.  I'm learning to take the time to train my children as He has instructed me.  I'm learning to communicate with Him in prayer as He has called me to.  I'm learning to serve Him and His church with grace and commitment as He commands.  It's a constant battle we all face, but if I don't teach obedience and expect it from our children, they will never understand the importance of following God, respecting authority, and being trustworthy.  This world won't expect this from them, but I will.  I pray that doing so will please the Lord and encourage others to do the same.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

In Awe

He is perfect.  Seriously.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how God knits our children within our wombs and knows exactly how to fashion them for us.  With and after each pregnancy I have endured, I become more in awe of God and His ability to create to perfection. 

When Daniel was born, after months of ultrasounds for high kidney fluid levels, we learned that the fluid was gone.  This, of course, was amazing to his doctors (and us), but NOT to his God.  When Samuel was born at 38 weeks instead of when he had tried to come at 33 and on his big brother's first birthday, he was healthy and thriving.  We feared the trama of pre-term labor may have effected him, but there is no fear in God.  When Elias was born, his ambilical cord was wrapped around his neck.  His purple tint was alarming to my husband, but NOT to my God. 

Years of miscarriages and healthy babies have taught me that life is not in my hands.  I have realized that it is not my responsibility to worry or fear over what could happen or what might have been.  God is constantly working out all things for our good if we love Him (Romans 8:28). 

Had you asked me 4 years ago what good came out of my first miscarriage, I would have said, "Nothing."  However, today, I can see the good, and its name is Daniel.  Had I never miscarried, I would have never had Daniel.  I cannot fathom not having this rambunctious, determined, intelligent boy in my life. 

Had you asked me what good came out of getting pregnant when my firstborn was only 3 months old, I would have told you then that it wasn't.  However, today, I see the face of my sweet Samuel, and I understand why God gave him to us so quickly.  He teaches us to love deeper.  He shows us how to laugh harder.  He makes us feel special by just being in his presence because he cares for us that much.

Ask me what good came out of my fourth pregnancy, and I can tell you that miscarrying wasn't easy or good.  It broke my heart but it allowed me to appreciate my two living children in ways I cannot explain.  I looked at heaven differently as well...  I began looking forward to it instead of being afraid to die.

Just recently, I've heard the phrases, "This oughta be good," and "How will you handle it?" in reference to being pregnant again (fifth child) with two toddlers at home.  I'll tell you now that then I responded with, "It's going to be hard," and "I don't know what God was thinking."  Today, I'm seeing so much more of God in my full house.  I will say that it is difficult and I still don't know exactly why God allowed me to have another child so quickly, but I won't question what God has given me. 

My heart is so overwhelmed with joy that I cannot put it into words.  These are HIS plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and I certainly believe they are far better than any I could have made for myself.  Looking around at my blessings today reminded me just how awestruck I am over my God.  He is far too good to me, and yes, He and His plans are absolutely perfect.

The big brothers welcome baby Elias home.

Daniel is quite thrilled when holding Elias.

Samuel loves to give his baby brother kisses.

My Three Sons :)

I wanna give it to him, Momma.

Laying in the floor together.

Sharing a sweet moment together.

Look at my rockets, Elias!

Sticker time at the table,

and yes, Elias had to join in.