Friday, December 30, 2005

Being Beautifully Broken

You make first dates seem so easy. Why I never imagined that food, shopping, and sitting around would be an ideal time, I'll never know, but I can't wait for tomorrow to see you again. Is that weird? Probably, but questioning myself never gets me anywhere, so I'll be ecstatic like I haven't been in over a year. It feels good to feel that way again. It's so much more incredible when feelings come from both sides. You make me feel like I am the only person around, and even when we're silent (which is next to never) I'm completely comfortable just being in your sight.

"It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky. It seems like yesterday I didn't know how hard I could cry. It feels like tomorrow I may not get by, but I will try. I will try; wipe the tears from my eyes.

I'm beautifully broken, and I don't mind if you know it. I'm beautifully broken, and I don't care if I show it.

Everyday is a new day, I'm reminded of my past. Every time there's another storm, I know that it won't last. Every moment I'm filled with hope 'cause I get another chance, but I will try. I will try, got nothing left to hide.

Without the highs and the lows, where would we go? Where would we go? I'm beautifully broken, and I don't mind if you know it. I'm beautifully broken, and I don't care if I show it."

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Waiting Upon the Lord

Why is it that I don't even understand myself anymore, and with each day I seem to question who I am and what I've done more than I imagined possible? This past year has brought about so many changes, yet the most prevalent thing in my everyday life is the fact that I have been waiting. I know that doesn't make much sense, and I don't want to have to explain it at all, just know that I have learned more from waiting than I ever wanted to. I don't claim to know what my future holds, but the idea of having some kind of idea gets my hopes up and I lose control of why I'm here on this earth anyway. I've tried to take so many matters into my own hands this year, and unfortunately, I cannot seem to get control over any of them anymore. I think that as frustrated as I am with that fact, I am excited about what my future holds. I am anxious to see what the Lord has in store. I've been waiting on all the wrong things...

I have spent my last year waiting on a certain someone who was fighting for my country in Iraq only to find a year later that he doesn't care for me. As hard as it is to admit this obvious statement, I think I was holding onto the hope of what could be. I've learned that you can't love someone that doesn't love you back. You shouldn't have to hold onto love; love to me is and should be effortless. Sure, the relationship is work, but the love itself is untouchable. I thought we could have that, and I suppose that is why I waited. I didn't stop once to ask the Lord if that was what He'd have me to do. Not one single time.

Secondly, this past year helped me to see that friendships aren't exactly what I thought they were. Some people care more than I am willing to admit, while the ones I spent all of my time caring about care nothing about me. It seems that friendships are the hardest things to wait on, but when you take the time to wait them out, the ones that are of utmost importance will prove themselves as mine have this past year. You make me laugh, you hold me when I'm hurting, and you never cease to amaze me with your randomness I've come to adore. These are what I should have been waiting for; not friendships that mean nothing now. It's hard, but it's true.

I also spent my last year being too busy to realize what was right in front of me. My everyday phone call from Dan has become what I look forward to and what I wait for. Almost three years ago, one of my coworkers admitted that he and I would be a good couple, and I nonchalantly acted as if I had no intention of taking her suggestion to heart. BUT funny how things work while I'm too busy waiting for someone else. He was waiting for me to stop... to stop working there, to stop worrying over someone who didn't love me, and to stop ignoring the things we felt. I can't be positive that he and I are supposed to be together, and I certainly can't say we'll be together next year. I can say that he taught me how waiting for someone should be... Thank you for waiting for me.

What I have learned the most from this year is that while I was busy complaining about what I didn't have, the Lord was giving me the things I truly needed: patience (in waiting for the soldier), true friendships (you know who you are), and the comfort of being loved (seems as if I didn't know how it could be). Really what I should have been waiting on was the Lord all along. He always provides to those who wait upon Him. That's my goal for the next year. Wait for the right things... and I realize now what they are.