Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Does Time Heal Brokenness?

What's going on will just take some time. Let's just say that. Time. It's a good word. As well as "broken." It's another good one. I feel that one a lot now. Everything and the people who mean most to me right now are "broken."

Brokenness is not a fun thing ever whether it's glass or your heart; it just doesn't work. Time doesn't heal it either... Brokenness just is. Time can't fix a broken glass. Glue does. Time can't mend a broken heart. Love does. I feel confusion and pain and broken and tired and hurt. And really, I don't feel like not crying. It's a complete cryfest. All the time.

Please continue to pray for us. We need it. I'm trying to understand God, why He works the way He does, because nothing in my life makes sense. I'm not sure how to accept healing from Him, but I know I have to because our broken hearts aren't all that matter. That's also hard to make sense of. I think I know the answer to my question, Does Time Heal Brokenness... And no; it's God who does the healing, and it is He in combination with your spirit who decides the time it takes. I'm not ready for it yet... I know He can make this better and I know He will. I want to see why this has happened. I don't want to just throw my hands up in the air and give up. I want to fight it out, but really I'm not. It's hard to pray when your heart is broken sometimes... I know that doesn't make sense, but it does to me. It's like I'm so hurt God can and would allow this to happen that I don't necessarily feel like talking to Him, even though I know it is all the devil's doing. I'm so confused. I want peace. I want understanding. I want time. I want the broken pieces to be put back together...

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Let My Heart Rest In Pieces...

Sometimes things happen that change everything. They make the air smell different. The sky isn't quite as blue as it was before. The grass just isn't that green. Everything around you seems to keep moving, but you...

You are standing still.

This is where I've found myself. This is the road most of us have been down one too many times. It hurts not saying what you want to say and knowing how things can change in an instance.

There aren't answers to life's questions, and we are too small and unknowing to understand anything that happens in our lives. There is always something to be said though, and there is always someONE to look to.

Prayer is the most powerful tool, and He is always listening when it seems no one else is. Prayer is the one thing you have when we can't make sense of things; it's the one thing that can be said; it's the one thing that leads you to the ONE person who can make things right again.

Pray for the healing of brokenness... That's my only thought right now.

Friday, April 14, 2006

If One Door Opens to Another Door Closed, Keep On Walking Until You Find the Window.

My life was a mess. My life wasn't what one would call living because I was dying inside and out. My life was a broken record, every mistake I made, I made over a hundred times. My life was an open book and a mystery all in one; I let some in and I locked others out, fearing if they saw the person I was, they'd put the book down. My life was full of happiness that I couldn't find because I always knew there was something more.

My life began to change. My life started to mean something to me because I had shattered it, I had become a piece of broken glass. My life was living behind a closed door because I was ashamed of who I'd become. My life meant hurting those I loved , loving those I shouldn't have, and hating myself. My life also meant losing precious friends, meaningful relationships, and amazing memories. My life was overshadowed with addictions and lies. My life needed something I already had but kept ignoring... God.

My life keeps falling into place. My life keeps getting better. My life isn't at all what I expected it to be at twenty-three. My life is not exactly what everyone else thinks it is. My life is what I've made it. My life isn't always something I'm proud of. My life changes from day to day. My life is filled with people I never thought would be my friends. My life is sometimes empty because I've lost people I thought would be in it forever. My life gets lonely because I allow it to be. My life is confusing because I don't look for guidance from God. My life is often a disaster because I am one big mess myself. My life is a one way street; I've chosen both paths at times, and I've finally decided to take the road less travelled. My life is an accident waiting to happen for things just seem to fall in my lap or I'm falling into something in the most literal sense. My life is as far from perfect as it comes. My life makes me happy because it is always something different, there is always someone special, and I can always find a reason to smile. My life doesn't seem like much to many, but it's all I have, and I'm so proud of who I'm becoming and where I've been. My life is not my own; it's my gift from God, and I plan to start giving more of it to Him.

Saturday, April 8, 2006

Yesterday Really Changed Things

On the radio last night, I heard someone say that yesterday would be one of those days that we'd look back on and say, "Where were you on April 7, 2006?" I cannot tell you how real hearing that was to me. Tornadoes happen all of the time, and I know this, but having it hit home is a totally different situation. As I hovered in the tornado shelter of Tate Page Hall on Western Kentucky University's campus, so many things began running through my mind. I didn't even realize at the time that the destruction wasn't happening in Bowling Green or even Kentucky for that matter; it was hitting the town I live in, my home, my neighbors, my friends even. All I could do was pray; I didn't close my eyes, I didn't cry, I just remember saying, "God, we need you now."

Needing God is a feeling I felt quite a bit yesterday. The hail and rain ceased and our teacher released us, and we headed to our cars. There were puddles everywhere, and when I say puddles, I mean one to two feet deep puddles. Small ponds, if you will. I grabbed my flip flops from off of my feet and went running, just took off. I wanted to be somewhere I felt safe, although I was in the tornado shelter, I wanted to be with people that made me feel safe, my family or my friends. That's exactly where I headed, to friends. Jeremy and A.T.'s house is in Bowling Green, and once I made it there, all my worries slipped away, at least until we began watching the news and realized that our homes back in Tennessee were in tremendous danger.

We sat watching the yellow, then orange and red, and finally purple shades sweep across the map over OUR hometowns, and although we were miles away from there, it was like we were being torn down with it. My heart hurt. My stomach was in knots. I haven't ever been as worried as I was watching all of this unfold on the news because I knew I couldn't make it home and shouldn't try.

Then the calls started rolling in... Their families first, and once we knew they were okay, I checked my phone. 23 missed calls. I had put my phone on silent when they had asked us to in the bathroom tornado shelter and forgotten to turn it back on. I found out that my daddy, mom, sister and brother-in-law, and my aunt and her family were safe, but there were others I could not reach. I started calling friends... I didn't get a hold of anyone, either my service would drop or I'd get voicemail, and then my Mardi called. It's funny who matters to you and who you matter to. She was okay, although the tornado had touched down steps from her house. I guess it was then that the tears started rolling. I guess it was then that I realized how serious this was. Life had changed for me, my small community, and for those I love, and those I don't even know.

I stayed at my sister's house last night in Portland, TN, because they had the interstate and all of the roads to my house closed last night. Electricity was out, and as I've now witnessed, the town was a war zone. It still is. I drove home from Portland today to my Pop's house in Ridgetop, and from there, I made my way down the ridge to home in Goodlettsville. What is normally a 10 minute drive ended up being an hour and a half. Pulling into the city, I saw trees everywhere, in the road, on houses, sideways, and upside down. There were workers in the roads. There were people walking up and down the highways. It was pure devastation like we've never experienced here. To see buildings you've gone in for years be completely gone and/or ripped to shreds is something I can't describe. Seeing the front side of Metro Baptist Church a mile and a half from my house caved in was too much for me. Seeing the looks in people's eyes, seeing the hurt, the loss, the tears, and the overwhelming feeling we all felt were things I'll never forget. It was hard. It was hard when I went into Target, Kohls, and other stores today, trying to make things FEEL normal, and hearing everyone talk about their homes and the deaths and all that has happened. It's hard.

I guess it's strange what you think of when things seem so out of hand... When I sat in the floor with some of my fellow future teachers in the tornado shelter at WKU, it was crazy all of the things that flooded my mind. I've always heard it said that the things that matter most to you, whether you know it or not, will come to mind in times of danger. It's never happened to me until yesterday. I've never been so scared that I've had a chance to worry or find out what matters most to me. Yesterday changed that. I wondered where all of those that mattered to me were. I thought of my house and my guitar. I thought of my church. I guess what hurt the most was being unable to do anything and being unaware of what was going on. It hurts not knowing. Sometimes it hurts even more when you know what's going on. When I found out that people had died, I just couldn't help but feel broken.

I know God had me in KY yesterday for a reason, and I know that all of this happened for a reason. No, I don't know what it is. I don't understand how this happened here in our small towns and to people I actually know. People died. My heart had been sinking ever since that tornado hit home yesterday. No, my house wasn't damaged and all of my friends and family are safe, but being helpless and seeing the destruction really took me to a place I've never been before, given me a feeling I've never had.

Please keep those effected by the storms in your prayers. Pray for the cleanup, and for those who cannot find the Lord in times like these. It's easy to be mad, it's easy to ask why, it's even easier to give up. Just pray that God will use this in a positive way... That hearts that haven't been seeking after Him will begin to. That things will change in a good way. That we find a way out of this without worrying over materialistic things, but begin worrying for things that really matter.

Here's a short video of some of the damage and cleanup: