Saturday, September 22, 2007

January Was a Big Hole in One.

January 12, 2007 - The Pursuit of Happiness
In the pursuit for happiness, I have encountered more heartache than I care to recall. But for the sake of demonstrating why I have been feeling so downhearted, let me take you down the path I have traveled and thus understand why I think the ironic thing about happiness is that it's merely a pursuit. It's highly overrated and sometimes completely unobtainable.

Last year, 2006, started as one of the best years of my life. I had stopped drinking... I was single and NOT looking. I was happy. I spent the Eve praying in the living room of my youth minister's house, amongst the best of friends, who then decided Chubby Bunnies was in order as it usually is around that time of year. That's just how the year started... I fell for "Bump in the Road" this year. I won't say "The Bump" was easy to get over; actually, it busted a few of my tires along the way. I didn't mind it though; it was a "bump" that I didn't mind taking.

I actually believed happiness could happen for me in the fall of 2006. I guess when you aren't looking for it, you accidentally just need a rest and take the next exit. That's what he was: "The Rest Stop." I wanted something to get me out of the place I was in before. I was miserable, and I just wanted to be happy. I had forgotten what that was. So I just forgot about everything and pulled over with him. I enjoyed the simplicity of sitting still. I liked watching ball and staying up late for no reason at all, but a "rest" is just that... It can't last long... And I was driving on, and before I knew it, I was back to the "Bump in the Road."

2007 started much differently. I was not drinking, but I'll be honest in saying that the thought had crossed my mind. It's a temptation and an addiction that's always been there. But that's a totally different blog. I didn't spend this Eve praying like I should have; I spent it with one of the same friends among a much different crowd. Here's where "The Puddle" came into view... Sure, he looked good from a distance and playing in the water is always fun for a kid at heart, but after a while, "The Puddle" loses its touch and I'm left muddy and lonely. You wash yourself off, drive away, expecting something better only to find that same "Bump in the Road."

I don't know where this road is headed. I continue down the same one. But I'm determined to move on... Happiness is not found in someone else, and I know this, but it's so hard when you allow yourself to trust others. I'm learning, I really am, about how to trust my instincts and know that the only happiness in life is found in the Lord, but I wanted everyone to know that it's hard to understand and that happiness isn't easy.

January 18, 2007 - Don't Take Offense...

Please don't take offense if I haven't answered or don't answer your phone calls in the next few days. Seems I've finally caught my first sickness in my first year of teaching, and I missed my first day of school today. STINK. I'm really tired or I'd write more, and the glands in my neck are swollen up like oranges, plus I'm freezing and burning all at the same time. So, pray for me that this is no big deal and it will go away...

January 20,2007 - Never Was Much of a Fan of Golf... Now I Know Why.

I've had this ache in my neck for days. The best way to describe it is that I have two golfball-sized lumps on the side of my neck where my glands should be, which of course has been some cause for concern. I've been to the doctor twice, and it wasn't until yesterday that one of them was able to tell me what is wrong with me. Seems that the lymph nodes in my neck are incredibly swollen (inflamed, whatever that means) and I've been put on penicilin for the next 7 days. If you've never taken penicilin, it's vomit in a bottle. Literally. It's powers are beyond any drug I've ever been handed by a pharmicist only because I can't say that I'm feeling better, but the overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach reminding me that I may get sick from this stupid pill is pretty AMAZING. That's a tough drug. I mean it. Dr. Erin hopes that the swelling is being caused by a bacterial infection, hopefully, and if so, the penicilin, as awful as it is, will knock the infection out. However, if the golfballs remain, it could mean that the infection is indeed viral and I have the beginning phases of strep or mono. Stupid. Luckily, I'm not contagious. No fever came with the swelling, just the inability to swallow and the need to sleep A LOT. I'm praying that the penicilin, as terribly dreadful as it is, is going to heal this and I'm going to be good by Monday for MY 24th and so I can return to see my kids!

January 27, 2007 - You Move Me (aka - The Lord gave me Brian)

Words come easily to me. They seem to be the one thing I can depend on when everything else fails. That is, until now.

I have been so moved by the Lord in the past week that I have been unable to speak. He has shown me how to truly "be still." It's an amazing thing, to be humbled in His presence, to be living in His light, and to know that He is the center of my world.

In time, the Lord will help me to speak this blessing more eloquently like I'm known for, but at this point in time, I am silenced by His grace, strength, and plan.

Jeremiah 29:11-12 - "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen."

March 10, 2007, Realizations in Life, Few and Far Between

The life you've been living, the days that you've been given were made for something beautiful.

Life, don't let it pass you by, because you were created for something beautiful.

The realization that I am a part of something bigger than just myself has hit me. It's taken about a month and a little over a week for it to settle in that God has showed me who He created for me. I didn't exactly have to search like I thought I needed to and did for years, but when I had all but given up on believing in it, there he was, knowing that we were made for one another. God didn't just give us this idea that we're a good team or we really like one another; He orchestrated a major work in which He took us all the way to Jamaica on a mission trip to meet one another. We learned to serve the Lord together before we ever learned to serve each other anything. It's an awesome thing, knowing that my life has God as its author. It's amazing that my relationship was not something I made happen but that God put together in a mighty way. Even more so, it's absolutely beautiful knowing that every step we take together, there's always another with us...