Saturday, June 24, 2006

Making Memories of Us... Didn't Really Know There Was An "Us."

On Sunday, October 30, 2005, I was feeling...
Confused. This is just because of a particular two people, and I'm not saying what in the world this has to do with. One of the two drives me insane because they won't just be honest with me and tell me how they really feel. We talk all the time, and they're more than a best friend could ever be for me, but it's like we're stuck being liars to each other. AND I'm not saying we're supposed to be more than friends, because I'm not sure that we are, but I sure would enjoy it if I knew where we actually stood. Why am I always feeling like there's more to it than we say?...

On Monday, November 14, 2005, I was thinking...
As for the second of the two guys who've been throwing me out and reeling me back in, well, who knows. He's about as unpredictable as this nice fall weather we've been having. I cannot stand change. I like for things to be the way they are SUPPOSED to be. I cannot stand for my schedule to get out of whack... If it's not on the calendar, then forget it. It's just not gonna happen. People just don't understand that, and this second of the two guys is a prime example of not getting it. I'm one of those people who need organization. I just feel much better about myself and about my life when things are nice, neat, and in an orderly manner. He does not understand that; it's like we'll go out and have a great time, but I won't hear from him for 3 weeks after that and when he calls it will be 1 in the morning. I mean, come on. I love him to pieces, and I would love for us to admit it, that, "Okay, yes, maybe I have liked you since I was 14, and yes, I would finally like the chance to make this more than we've said we want to make it, and no, I am not meaning I want forever, and I don't need a ring on my finger, and I don't even care if you go out with other people, but would you just make an effort to like me and maybe only me..." I'm just going crazy lately, and what I've realized in this weekend is that I don't really have to because God takes care of it all.

AND, on Saturday, December 03, 2005, things with the two of us were the best and worst they've ever been...
Yeah, I know it's Saturday morning, and I've yet to go to bed. Let's just say when you get a random phone call from a boy you really could squeeze to death because you love him so much, you don't miss out on a chance to hang out. So out I've been although I knew I had homework and things to get done. All in all, I really don't care. I'm feeling so great about going to see my boy Jrod tonight. I had missed that part of us. The part that no one else understands. When we laugh about singing "Hungry Eyes" and "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips and pretty much ANY 80s song at the effing top of our lungs. When he talks about farting and I have no problem with it whatsoever. When playing padiddle is cool again. When putting my rings on our left fingers is fun just so we can feel like we're married (it's just the hope that it will actually happen one day and probably not to each other). When talking about high school as if it was the worst time of our lives and laughing hysterically about stories we never told or had admitted to one another before. When driving around all night just for me to see a house with GOOD Christmas lights is his ultimate goal. Those are the moments I like the best. But of course, I go and screw things up.

It's always your mouth that gets in the way of things. The words that come out of it when your head can't catch up to what you're actually saying. That's pretty much what happened this evening. The night had been awesome. I could not have asked for a better night, and for a moment, I had almost forgotten we were just friends. I liked us, and for another moment, I think he might have too, just like he did back then. High school that is. (We had that whole conversation tonight too; how he always liked me and I knew it but I never acted on it because he just wouldn't come out and SAY that he liked me. He wanted me to do all the work, and I didn't like that. So I never really went for him back then.) Back to tonight. I think it was coming back though, that feeling that happens between us (we've always had it) that we could be something more, like we kept looking at each other, that look we got when we, before becoming awesome friends, would mess around in high school, and I had to blurt it out. "You know I don't want things to change with us. I don't want us to do something that would ever change this." I guess he thought I meant that I thought he wanted me in a way I didn't feel comfortable with. It wasn't that; I just was saying what I said. I love us. I love what we have. I love every moment we spend together, and no, I don't know if I want to be with him, but I know I don't want to ever NOT have him in my life... that's all I was saying. He got all KINDS of mad and drove my car back to his truck, and just like that, he was gone.

I called him, not five minutes after he drove away, my heart was killing me. I said, "Hey." He goes, "Yeah?" I said, "I didn't mean that back there like that." He said, "Yes you did." I said, "I'm sorry." I don't even know what I was sorry for other than the fact that he was upset with me for saying something stupid and WAY too sentimental. I don't know; my heart is somewhat torn. I don't want to lose him in so many different ways. I don't want to lose our friendship. I don't want to miss out on the chance I never took. I don't want him to NOT be there when I'm sad. I just don't know anymore. I guess I just can't sleep knowing he was upset with me. WHY DO GIRLS ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO TALK? Why can't I just sit still and enjoy the moment? I'm not complaining at all, but I just had a night on two different extremes. I love him and then he hates me. It is just so ironic in every sense of the word. You know what song he picked for his ringer on my cell tonight? Here are the words:

"I can’t fight this feeling any longer
And yet I’m still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I can’t hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we’re together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander
I’m keeping you in sight
You’re a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter’s night
And I’m getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can’t fight this feeling anymore
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for
It’s time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I can’t fight this feeling anymore
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can’t fight this feeling anymore"

See what I mean, ugh, boys are so confusing. Off to dream what I hope are sweet dreams. Night all.

Last night has left me realizing...
So of course, that has been months ago; it's practically a different year. However, Jrod and I hadn't talked since then until my uncle died. He sent me a HILARIOUS text message the day we buried Gerald, and I texted back that my uncle had died. He texts back to say he is sorry and to call him sometime. Of course, at the time, I didn't take him seriously. After what I had done months ago, I didn't think we'd ever talk again, but that's what I get for thinking...

He calls last night out of nowhere, six months after our blow up. We talk and joke just like always, and I for once felt like everything was back to the way it should have always been. That's until I agreed to meet him at our meeting place... Waffle House. LOL, funny, I know. We drive, like we always did, listening to country this time and talking about how "bad" we "want" each other (we've always flirted this way but always done it in a joking manner, meaning we never actually meant it). He even said he had missed this between us, and I agreed. He put my ring on my left finger like old times, and I mention the picture of us at Senior Picnic of us feeding each other cake like those married couples do at their wedding receptions. He replied, "I need a copy of that." It was almost too perfect to be true. But it kept going... And I almost cried about seventeen times. The kiss we had, yes, we kissed, definitely changed things...

I prayed the whole time we were together last night; it was like I'd talk and then pray. I am never nervous around him. We're perfect together, as he so eloquently reminded me, but I couldn't help but wonder if it was going to end like we always do. We walk away. I sit and write about how great it was and yet nothing happens.

SO here I am. Writing about him and me.

I miss him. I didn't realize that I cared for him the way I do. And that's hard. He's one of the greatest friends I've ever had, and now, I know that I like him. Not just a little bit of liking here, I like him. I don't know what to do. Or what this means. I just needed to write. Seems like things work themselves out when I write them down. I'm hoping my situation with J is no different...

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Honestly, I'm Just Learning As I Go.

I haven't been up for talking lately. I haven't written any of my thoughts down in weeks. I have been holding so many emotions in. Usually, I don't do that. I'm the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, and in the past, I've found that doing so often gets me in a heap of trouble. I guess the emotions I've experienced lately though are ones that are common after you lose someone you love, not in a relationship sense, but in the sense that I will never ever see my uncle again. I've come to view the world and my life differently since he left us. It's a new kind of feeling I have.

I've been reserved. I'm not used to dealing with pain and hurt that way. Holding things in is a terrible way for me to deal with things because I get angry. I've realized how many people I've snapped at lately. I hate my job, the one I was so excited to come back to for the summer, only because I'm unhappy with life. I've not been as energetic, rambunctious, or hilarious as I've always been. I've found that I'm quick to judge and even quicker to get frustrated with my long-time friends. I've found that I am at times angered with myself. The things I once felt were so important stir up my temper now. Going to weddings, sitting with friends, and even getting prepared for my new classroom are starting to bother me which is completely ridiculous in itself.

What I'm trying to say is that things happen that change who you are. They change everything about you. Graduation did that for me. I didn't feel that drinking, staying up late, and dating were my main priorities anymore like they had been all of those college years. I wasn't the childish twenty-something kid I had been for three years anymore; I was a young college graduate about to step foot into the real world and my priorities instantly changed. That day and those feelings I gained from graduating changed me. But nothing could prepare me for the changes that would take place when I lost my uncle Gerald. A friend of mine told me I couldn't let this get me down, and though he was right, I have. I'm not down, I'm not sad, and I'm not pitiful and pathetic. Honestly though, my heart is awfully broken, and a broken heart isn't easily mended. The changes that have taken place since losing Gerald have changed my life forever.

I guess what I've learned most through this whirlwind of change is to cherish the gift of life. I've stopped more times than ever before on the side of the road just to take a mental picture of a John Deere tractor or a cornfield. I've noticed the smell of freshly cut grass and the stink of a skunk. I've smiled even when I was hurting, and I've laughed when there was nothing to laugh about. I've taken pictures of everything I've encountered. I've hugged and kissed my dad more than I could have ever expected to. I've gotten frustrated and angered over the most stupid things and made fun of myself afterward because I sounded just like Gerald. I've waved at almost every single car I've passed on the road because it's what we do in the country and Gerald was the best at it. I've slept late and enjoyed it. I've stayed quiet and listened to the voice in my head for once in my life. I've realized that God is always there, and though I always have known this, it's taken losing someone I love to really see how much God cares for me.

So though I've been harsh, complained, been rude to everyone I know, not called friends, fought with other friends, just been plain ridiculous over the past few weeks, it's been a learning experience. Change is never easy, and I'd like to apologize if I've in any way hurt or worried you. We all deal with things differently... As I held in my grief for once and learned to appreciate life on my own, it reciprocated itself as me being an awful friend to some of you... I'm very sorry.

A Farmer's Daughter

(Posted On Saturday, June 3, 2006)

John Deere pulling that plow again...

It's been a tough week, but even after losing my uncle a week ago, our family has kept going with what they're called to do. Yesterday, they set the remaining 13 acres of the 53 acres of tobacco Warren Brother Farms had intended on setting this year. The brothers and sons of my uncle did what they would have done whether he was here or not and that's farming. Over 20 friends came to help and volunteer in honor of my uncle. Now that is truly amazing... Instead of working on their own fields, they were busy helping the Warren family with ours. I hope that explains why losing Gerald has been so difficult. He was a man that just had a presence. It wasn't always easy to be around. He bugged the fire out of me at times, all his pinching and joking, but he was just someone you loved being around. Always.

It's been years ago but I helped on the farm once. I am and will forever be a city girl although my daddy is a country boy. My dad and his brothers are farmers, and they love what they do. The one day I helped, I realized that farming wasn't for me... I actually couldn't stand it. It rained, and the tobacco gum was in my eyes and all over my clothes and I stunk like I'd never smelled before. My uncle Gerald laughed and called me "Egghead" all day long, and how appropriate it was that I had worn my Greenbrier Bobcats t-shirt that day. Needless to say, Gerald was thrilled when it rained and that shirt was ruined and became nothing but a "cutting the grass" one because he felt that's where it belonged. He was funny like that. I didn't like farming after that day, and I never went and farmed again. I rode the tractors from time to time, but I never cut again. As I look back on that day, it is now one of the most cherished days of my life. We took one of the only pictures I have with my uncle that day. I learned to respect my family and what their job is that day.

It's been a tough week in a lot of ways. Losing someone in your family is never easy, but learning to move on without them is even more tough. I know how sad I've sounded, and it's been because I am... You never are ready for your life to change this way. I wasn't at all. I've experienced emotions I didn't know I had this week. I've been to the lowest of lows and I've been happier than I've ever been. I have seen people crying that I've never seen cry before; I've seen grown men break down. I've seen children deal with the loss of their father, their friend, a mentor, a boss. I've seen a wife be incredibly strong for her family and friends. I've seen a family laugh and smile over the memories they now hold so dear. I've witnessed a family come together over the death of one of their own, and it's been tragic and fulfilling. It's been hard and exciting at the same time.

I have found that I'm not only a farmer's daughter... I'm a part of a farming family... I am a granddaughter, daughter, niece, and cousin to some farmer that I'm so proud of. This past week has really taught me to be thankful and grateful for my family and what it is they do... I am. I really am. And for as much as my uncle is missed, I believe he's proud that they've carried on, just as he would have done for them...