Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Honestly, I'm Just Learning As I Go.

I haven't been up for talking lately. I haven't written any of my thoughts down in weeks. I have been holding so many emotions in. Usually, I don't do that. I'm the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, and in the past, I've found that doing so often gets me in a heap of trouble. I guess the emotions I've experienced lately though are ones that are common after you lose someone you love, not in a relationship sense, but in the sense that I will never ever see my uncle again. I've come to view the world and my life differently since he left us. It's a new kind of feeling I have.

I've been reserved. I'm not used to dealing with pain and hurt that way. Holding things in is a terrible way for me to deal with things because I get angry. I've realized how many people I've snapped at lately. I hate my job, the one I was so excited to come back to for the summer, only because I'm unhappy with life. I've not been as energetic, rambunctious, or hilarious as I've always been. I've found that I'm quick to judge and even quicker to get frustrated with my long-time friends. I've found that I am at times angered with myself. The things I once felt were so important stir up my temper now. Going to weddings, sitting with friends, and even getting prepared for my new classroom are starting to bother me which is completely ridiculous in itself.

What I'm trying to say is that things happen that change who you are. They change everything about you. Graduation did that for me. I didn't feel that drinking, staying up late, and dating were my main priorities anymore like they had been all of those college years. I wasn't the childish twenty-something kid I had been for three years anymore; I was a young college graduate about to step foot into the real world and my priorities instantly changed. That day and those feelings I gained from graduating changed me. But nothing could prepare me for the changes that would take place when I lost my uncle Gerald. A friend of mine told me I couldn't let this get me down, and though he was right, I have. I'm not down, I'm not sad, and I'm not pitiful and pathetic. Honestly though, my heart is awfully broken, and a broken heart isn't easily mended. The changes that have taken place since losing Gerald have changed my life forever.

I guess what I've learned most through this whirlwind of change is to cherish the gift of life. I've stopped more times than ever before on the side of the road just to take a mental picture of a John Deere tractor or a cornfield. I've noticed the smell of freshly cut grass and the stink of a skunk. I've smiled even when I was hurting, and I've laughed when there was nothing to laugh about. I've taken pictures of everything I've encountered. I've hugged and kissed my dad more than I could have ever expected to. I've gotten frustrated and angered over the most stupid things and made fun of myself afterward because I sounded just like Gerald. I've waved at almost every single car I've passed on the road because it's what we do in the country and Gerald was the best at it. I've slept late and enjoyed it. I've stayed quiet and listened to the voice in my head for once in my life. I've realized that God is always there, and though I always have known this, it's taken losing someone I love to really see how much God cares for me.

So though I've been harsh, complained, been rude to everyone I know, not called friends, fought with other friends, just been plain ridiculous over the past few weeks, it's been a learning experience. Change is never easy, and I'd like to apologize if I've in any way hurt or worried you. We all deal with things differently... As I held in my grief for once and learned to appreciate life on my own, it reciprocated itself as me being an awful friend to some of you... I'm very sorry.

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