One Year Ago

It was one year ago today that I held my 4 year old in a recovery room waiting for him to awake from anesthesia from his first MRI. It was eerily quiet, and I remember as I held him feeling so peaceful in that moment. He had suffered for over a month and a half from awful headaches, sickening nausea, frustrating tingling in his hands, and the worst numbness in his legs and feet leaving him unable to stand at moments. Yet, in that room, with the steady beeps from hospital machines and nurses footsteps, I felt a calm.

I didn't know, in that moment, that he would be diagnosed with a brain malformation or that he had a cyst on his pineal gland in his brain as well. I didn't realize that he would need to have further MRIs throughout the week and his life to check on the size or growth of both. I couldn't foresee that he would need a neurologist or a neurosurgeon and that we would need to speak and visit one or both of them every few weeks/months. I couldn't have guessed that he would need medication to control migraines and his symptoms or that, when not well controlled, they can cause other problems within the brain as they did. I had no idea, in that moment, that he would be stricken with seizures. I couldn't imagine then how helpless he would seem as the medicine tried to help actually caused terrible reactions to his body. I wasn't picturing in that room what might be ahead for him or us... I only felt peace.

The past year has been one of the toughest of my life, but as I look back to the day before Samuel was diagnosed, I am overwhelmed by the fact that God wanted me to feel His presence. He didn't want me to look ahead. He didn't want me to worry or try to figure it all out ahead of time as He already had. He wanted me to be still, hold our son, and rest in His perfect peace.

I have struggled with resting lately. I have been saddened by Samuel's situation and how he's hurting, but I was reminded by a friend that it's possible I am looking back today as a reminder to rest in that peace all over again. God knew what was coming, yet He provided the calmness I needed that day on March 9, 2015, to hold my resting son and to prepare my heart for what was to come. Peace. It's what I must choose one year later... for my son AND for me.

Three.

There is just something about having three children that has really changed my life.  Be it that I now honestly have no time for myself or the fact that I really don't have enough arms...  or eyes.  It could be that I'm constantly picking up messes, changing diapers, making samliches (aka sandwiches), and praying that I'll actually get a shower each day. 

No matter how you see it, life changes when children enter into it.  It's not easy.  It's probably the most challenging thing I have personally ever done.  I lose my temper daily hourly.  I get frustrated, raise my voice, and get so tired of whining and needing to discipline.  There are days when I really wish God would let me go back to teaching, but most days, I realize that my job is to teach these three little boys to love Him.

You see, in these trying moments with my toddlers, I'm forced to lean on God in every circumstance.  I feel I'm far too impatient and unskilled to train them.  However, I'm facing up to the fact that God has allowed me this great opportunity, and He knows what I'm capable of even if I don't.  Despite my many imperfections as a mother, I'm learning to beg Him to change me so that my children can see the change He's done in me. 

Isn't that my job in life?  I was created and made to show others Christ in me.  He designed these boys for me, and He has given me the knowledge (and faith) to take each day as it comes.  Everyone is already asking when we'll have another, and honestly, I don't know what God has in store.  What I'm certain of is that these three boys are the best things God has used to change me and draw me closer to Him.  Life before this seems so incomplete without these precious faces in it.

It's All Happening a Bit TOO Fast

Right before my eyes, my little boys seem not so little already. 

Daniel has his molars coming in.  In just a week, he grew, like 7 teeth.  I'm not joking or exaggerating.  He started Mother's Day Out on Tuesday the 17th and did wonderfully.  He didn't even cry when I left him.  Weird, right?! 

In the midst of Daniel's changes, Samuel's been gaining weight like a champ.  We went for their 2 month and 15 month well appointments, and Samuel had gained 5 pounds in a month.  Wow, right?!  He's now rolling over and smiling constantly. 

As a parent, I'm so excited for changes, but at the same time, I just want them to be little forever.  Is this what happens when you become a parent?  Time literally flies.  When I was a child, a week seemed like an eternity, but as a mom, my child has learned to say "Thank you," in just one short day.  Really?! 

God, thank You for the subtle reminders to enjoy every single second I've been given with my children.  Help me to remember that this will go by quickly and to never wish any of it by.  Thank You for their sweet smiles (one of which is now FILLED with pearly whites) and for the gifts You've given me in each of them.  I'm so blessed, Father.  Does it go by fast to You as well? 

Gone Bananas!

So, at first, Daniel wasn't for the introduction...

But, he eventually realized, they weren't so bad.

That is, once he figured out the spoon...

Things got better from then on.

Daniel loved them!


We tried baby food for the first time after Daniel got the go ahead at his 4-month well visit today. He did surprisingly well with the spoon and the bananas. He also handled his shots like a pro! He's weighing in at 16 lbs 1 1/2 oz, measuring at 25 1/2 in long, and his head is 17 inches in circumference. All are in the 75th percentile. Dr. Cormier said that he looked like a 6-month-old! We are so proud of our growing, good-eating boy!

Starting from Scratch

If you stopped by this blog in the past few days, you probably have noticed that I've been completely unable to finish what I've started in getting a new look for my site. It's been driving me crazy. I'll find one I like, get to work on it, and Daniel will throw the biggest fit you've ever heard. Or, I may spend Daniel's whole naptime Photoshopping a picture for a header, and for some reason, it wouldn't show up. I finally decided on a simple, Blogspot template and that I would just be starting from scratch.

That's how I feel lately with just about every single thing I do.

How about dealing with a teething baby? Well, we tried teethers, cold wash cloths, ice, Tylenol, and even the fantastic teething tablets. However, as of this week, my almost four-month-old decides that crying is the best way to handle it. For hours out of the day, this is how we do it. He cries, I fuss, and we get along just fine. It's hard though, and despite my obvious attempts at a routine, we are having to start from scratch.

How about my latest battles with cooking? Well, actually, there never was a battle; I just didn't cook, and when I did, it was either disastrous or I couldn't remember how I made it taste so good. Nothing ever repeats itself in this department. I'm just not the best at it, but today, I pulled out one of the most treasured items in my kitchen: my Nana's cookbook. It was given to me at Christmas this year, but I have never even used it because let's face it: Nana could cook... I cannot. However, starting from scratch, I made Squash Casserole tonight, and it was great. Could I do it again? Probably not.

How about handling being a housewife and new mother? Well, being these are probably some of the toughest roles I've ever been blessed to have. I've worked in food service, gift shops, and even dealth with buggars and vomit on a daily basis as a Kindergarten teacher, yet my job as a homemaker is H-A-R-D. I haven't actually MADE anything, except that I have made Daniel scream a few times and Brian ill a couple more. Only because I cannot find my way too well at this gift God's given me. I'm learning though; I mean, today, for instance, I didn't get a shower until 2:30 p.m. and no paintings are finished, and there are still clothes in the baskets, and Daniel's toys are E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, BUT I was able to cook dinner, vacuum a few rooms, dust a few more, and take care of my precious son. If that's not starting from scratch, then I don't know what is!

How about the constant lessons I'm learning as God's child? Well, again, these are difficult for me. I'm not one that likes to be pointed out, and I rarely enjoy being the center of attention anymore. Yet God always points at me and I'm always in His view. I'm realizing that my relationship isn't as strong with Him as it should be, and studying His Word is more challenging. I can't just read the stories anymore; I've got to be getting to the heart of each scripture. I can't just show up at church each Sunday; I've got to be living each and every single day. And, I'll be honest when I say, I don't do either of those all that well. So, here I am, 16 years after being saved, and starting from scratch.

And, you know what I've heard? It's the best place to start.

Holy Roller...

Bet we caught your attention with that title!

It's been an amazing few days with Daniel. We have watched him as he continues to grow right before our eyes. From laughter in his sleep to tears rolling down his face, we have been witnesses to the beautiful handiwork of God. We are daily fascinated and wonderfully surprised with Daniel's growth and his changing ways...

Just this past weekend, as a fellow church goer asked if Daniel had been pushing up off of his stomach, we realized that our little boy wouldn't be little for much longer. Well, we realized that only after having to admit we had completely forgotten about the ever-so-talked-about "Tummy Time." We came straight home from church and put Daniel on his stomach in the living room floor. Not seconds later, this is what we witnessed (be patient with him):

Holy Roller from Jenna Johnson on Vimeo.

Did we mention that Daniel is ONLY five weeks old?! Our little one is rolling... Not in God's Word yet, but he's on his way!

Daniel in the Past Few Days...

Guess Who Is...

Daniel Benjamin is! He is one month old today, and I cannot tell you how much he has changed. It is such a blessing watching him grow, seeing his facial expressions, and hearing his sweet little voice. Here are just a few of the things that happened in Daniel's first month:

In Daniel's 1st week:
He spent two days in the hospital.
He lost a few ounces there.
He slept... a lot.
He was visited by many friends and family.
He finished the week by gaining his birth weight back.

In Daniel's 2nd week:
He weighed in at 9 lbs. and 6 1/2 ounces.
He had an ultrasound of his kidney.
He was cleared of any abnormalities!
He cried... a lot.
He began smiling in his sleep.

In Daniel's 3rd week:
He had his first church visit and got his Bible.
He took his first trip to Walmart.
He met his cousins for the first time.
He went to the playground with them.
He started crying/screaming after every feeding.
It was determined he has reflux and started Zantac.
He would not sleep through the night.
He weighed 9 lbs. and 11 ounces.
He had his newborn pictures taken.

In Daniel's 4th week:
He would smile while on the changing table.
He had his first Cracker Barrel visit.
He grew out of his newborn clothes.
He started blowing out diapers...
and messing over whoever was holding him.
He laughed and giggled in his sleep.
He slept three hours at a time.

That's What I'm Doing... These Days.

Do you know that I haven't written a blog in over a month? That's somewhat insane considering I used to be checking my blogroll every hour just to check in on all of my friends and those I had been praying for.

These days, I'm spending every hour checking in on this handsome, young man.



I used to spend hours at my desk painting Gifts of God for my friends, family, and supporters. When I say hours, I mean every waking minute.

These days, I'm too busy watching as God continues creating His own masterpiece in the face of my little boy.

There was a time when going shopping for myself and being alone was fun.

These days, I leave my little one with my sister or my mom to go shopping, and I feel so alone without him.

Not too long ago, I thought going back to college was the only thing I had to do. It made perfect sense to me to spend my days studying, preparing papers, and going to class.

These days, school seems completely unnecessary. I look forward to studying my sweet boy's face, preparing bottles and Zantac doses, and going to the nursery every few minutes to change diapers.

I once believed that it would be years before Brian and I had children...

These days, I believe God knew what He was doing when He gave me Daniel.

Growing Like a Weed

I finally broke down and mowed the yard yesterday. I realize how ridiculous I may have looked, considering I just gave birth two weeks ago, but I wanted to help Brian out and feel like I had actually accomplished something. So, the front yard is mowed. Ha, I didn't say I mowed ALL of it.

Just like the weeds that had popped up in our yard, we have a little boy that's growing that same way... fast and totally unexpectedly. Daniel doesn't even seem like a newborn anymore. He went for his two-checkup yesterday, and he had gained 1.4 lbs. in seven days... He's now weighing WAY over his birth weight(8.8) at a whopping 9.6 lbs.! We also got the results from the ultrasound of his kidneys, which were "perfectly normal."

I'm amazed at how well Daniel is doing, and sometimes I forget, when he's up all night or screaming at the top of his lungs, what a blessing he truly is. We are honored to hold him in our arms, and we have become so aware of the perfectly, great God we serve! Enjoy the latest pictures of our growing boy!



It was 3:04 a.m., and Daniel was wide awake and grinning ear to ear!


I see God's fingerprints all over this picture. Look on the top, right side of the screen and notice Daniel's profile at 28 weeks... He is wonderfully made!


Daniel is two weeks old, and already holding his head up all by himself...


Daddy and Daniel needed a day-time nap.


Daniel's gift from our sweet friends, the Woodards. It's on the wall right as you walk into his room.


He lost his cord just days before Mother's Day, and just so happened to have on this "Mommy" onesie. Look how big Daniel is!

Daniel is 9 Days Old...

How exactly is that possible?! Everyone has told us to enjoy each minute because babies grow up so quickly... We believe it now that we have our own. Daniel looks quite different already. His hair is lightening up, his eyes are brighter and wider, his cheeks are chubbier, and his squirminess continues to increase before our eyes.

We didn't write about his first week, but on Monday, he was a week old. He's done so much in just a week; we'd like to share it all with you...


Thanking Mommy for a Good Meal


Loving on Daddy


My First Walk and First Time in My Stroller


The Way I Always Sleep


With My Grandpa


My First Camo Shirt, Ready for Hunting with Daddy


Taking an Evening Nap with My Daddy


My Big Grin for the Camera

What's With His Name

Why the name change?

Of course, I ached over changing our baby's name, simply because I am human and couldn't help but think of all of the monogrammed bags, paintings, and thank you notes we purchased and were given and had sent out that all said, "Elijah Thomas." Although that name was particularly special to us, we quickly learned that God had other intentions for this baby's name. Thus, Daniel Benjamin was spoken in my husband's ear.

Many people have asked why we would change a name just weeks before our due date, and others have questioned whether this is what God intended. Many women become quite distraught over the idea, as I did when it was first brought to my attention, and many of you have wondered if we even like the new name.

Yes and no. No because it wasn't what we chose for him. We've been calling this baby Elijah from Week 18 when we saw his little hands "praying" on the ultrasound screen. However, as the weeks have passed, we have learned what a gift this little boy truly is to us. How God has knit him in my womb, taken away fluid from around his kidneys, grown him into a large boy, and brought his parents to their knees in humility. Then, the Lord began showing us the "why" around our baby's new name, Daniel Benjamin.

Daniel:
Did you know that Daniel biblically means, "God is My Judge"? If you knew what all we have gone through and how we've been judged over the course of the actions we've taken for the Lord, you'd feel as humbled by this fact as we are. We feel as though God truly has been our judge. He's been the deciding vote in all we have done. He's the one who has defended our actions, and He will continue to do so. I bet you didn't know that my Nana, who passed away just a few months after we were married, had intended on her first child being named Daniel. Turns out her first child was my mom. My Nana's favorite name was Daniel, and though she never had a boy of her own, I'm certain that she would be thrilled to know her first great-grandchild will be named that favorite name of hers.

Benjamin:
Did you know that Benjamin means, "Son of My Right Hand"? Jacob, the father of Israel, struggled with his twelfth son's name when he was being delivered. As his wife, Rachel, bore this son, she named him, "Ben-Oni," which meant, "Son of My Sorrow." Oh, do you know how perfect that is for us? Do you know the sorrow we have faced? Did you know that it was the day after my husband's mother died that the Lord began pressing him to rename our baby? Brian struggled with our baby's name as well. It hurt him to hurt me and let go of a name that had meant so much to us... But, Benjamin, well, it was perfect. Benjamin also happens to be a family name. Brian's dad's middle name (he passed away May 2008) was Benjamin. His granddaddy's name (he passed away August 2007) was Bennie. His great, great-grandfather's name was Pappy Ben. We are honoring not only the Lord but many generations of the Johnson family.

Hope this helps us to remember why our son's name was changed... What is with his name? It's perfect and straight from the Lord.

39 weeks today...

Two Years

Sitting in rocking chairs, we discussed everything from the wedding to our future children's names. We rocked and talked for six hours that night. It was our very first date, and we were naive enough to think that everything before us would be the fairy tale we expected.

Life with Brian has been one of the most amazing gifts I have ever been given. I have had a best friend each and every day for the past two years, and without him, I honestly do not know what would have happened. We have faced some very joyous occasions, yet God had more tragic situations in store for us than even I can explain. Our lives are so different now than what we had planned that Friday night at Opry Mills a little over two years ago.

It wouldn't have been reasonable for us to talk about losing our loved ones including both of his parents, having a miscarriage, leaving our jobs, expecting a little boy who will be named after his late father, and making some of the most unforgettable memories of a lifetime in just two, short years.

Tomorrow, we will celebrate two years of marriage. It actually is hard to believe. It is still hard to imagine that we are married. It is still difficult to know that God made this man for me. It is incredible that this is where God has decided for us to go. This path, this journey, this anniversary is a culmination of what I can only say has been the learning experience of a lifetime.

We have rocked day in and day out waiting for the fairy tale... But that's not what life is. It is an amazing gift that is often packaged with heartache and pain. We've opened that gift and experienced first hand what life can be. It is a blessing to be able share these times with you, but there is no one I'd rather have in my life than my husband. He has made the bitter times sweet, and the hard times have been an opportunity for the two of us to cling to the One who put us together.

Happy Anniversary, Brian.
To Heaven and Back. That's my life with you.

Cleaning Up Or Out... Whichever You Like to Call It.

When I was a kid, the worst chore I was ever given was to clean my room. You would think that I could have figured out that if I'd attempt to keep things clean, dusted and vacuumed, that having that assignment wouldn't be so terrible. BUT, it was... Every single time, I would throw a tantrum at the idea of having to do it.

That phase lasted up until I was in middle school. I continued with the feeling of disgust in cleaning my room. Oh, and in high school too. I would have friends coming over, and at the last minute, I'd be shoving things into my 2 closets and under my bed. It's an awful habit, I must admit.

The scary part is that I STILL hate having to clean. You'd think it would change what with having my own house and getting married and having a child on the way. BUT it hasn't. I could not tell you if you paid me to inform you on all the things under our bed right now. My closet is shameful, and the soon-to-be nursery closet is the most atrocious thing I've ever seen. You seriously CANNOT see the wall, carpet, or ceiling; it's packed that tight.

Life is like that sometimes. We have so many things we like hanging onto rather than getting rid of them or just cleaning them up. We pride ourselves in hiding our dirt. It's sad but painstakingly true. In Psalm 24, it's clear that we need to get busy with cleaning up... "Who shall ascend the hill of the LORD? And who shall stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart..." I know I'm taking it a bit out of context, but in all seriousness, I think it somewhat applies. How can we live clean lives if not ALL of us is clean? I just don't think it's possible.

I've started cleaning. Maybe it's because I realize I've got a baby on the way and I've GOT to make room for him. Maybe it's because I'm tired of all the junk I've held onto and realize it's time to make the break. Maybe it's because I have learned that THIS WORLD is not my home, and as the old hymn says, "I'm just a-passing through." The less I have here, the better off I'll be when it's my time to go.

It's time to clean out the closets and clean up from underneath the bed. It's time to rid myself of things I don't need. It's time to realize that God's given me more than enough to live on, and there are those who need these things more than me... So, I'm giving in and cleaning up...

He Chooses Me

Crashing waves. They seem to be all around me. It seems as if my life is caught in a storm, and I am not sure that I will survive it. The rain keeps coming and the winds are stronger than I could imagine, and yet the amazing peace of God is in the midst of it all.

Fear seems to overtake me at moments like these. Times when it is more difficult than not to know where we are going or what God has in store. Times when I do not know why this boat was for me.

Isn't that life? It seems as if there is always something changing. Life is so inconsistent when all I am looking for is one little piece of normal, and yet the waves continue to toss. I don't know why I expect this. It was evident this past weekend as we were in Gatlinburg how life changes so quickly. When we arrived in the mountains on Thursday the 13th, it was 70 degrees, and in fact, I had on a t-shirt which was almost too hot. As we woke on the day of our departure, we had an inch of snow on the ground. Nothing stays the same.

My husband and I have learned all about storms, and how they can incredibly distort your ways of thinking. Just since January of this year alone, the ship we've been on has been a rough ride. We have learned we were pregnant, lost the child to miscarriage, left my teaching job, grieved the loss of Brian's father, become pregnant for a second time, endured Brian's sweet cousin's brain surgery, and resigned from a church that we dearly love. I know everyone has journeys like these, and yet I cannot help but wonder what we are supposed to learn from being on board this particular ship.

And yet, I'm so thankful for it all. I'm so thankful that God decided to give and take my first child; it makes Heaven so much sweeter knowing that we have a perfect gift awaiting us. I am so grateful to have left my job; I would have never been able to support my husband or find the gifts that God had given me without leaving there. Losing a loved one has taught me to love much more deeply; the sudden loss of Brian's dad has left an impression that RIGHT NOW is my chance to love. Hayden's surgery has been one of the most traumatic events our family has faced, and yet it has made me realize how BIG God is; I've watched my Lord in the hands of surgeons and in the eyes of a 5-year-old child, and I see that my God is triumphant in every way. I'm honored to say that God has blessed me with a second pregnancy; I don't know that anyone could understand why the pregnancy itself is such a miracle to me. But I've learned to hold onto something that isn't in my arms, and I've seen its heart beat as only God could allow. We have had to step out and leave a church where our hearts were; God speaks so clearly and yet it is the hardest thing to say goodbye when you weren't exactly preparing for it. We also now are learning what blind faith really is, and I'm grateful for that. I have never been so certain of anything despite neither of us having a job or a place to call our own; these waves continue to surround me and I am at peace.

How is that? How can I have peace when all I feel is that I have no control of the stern? Well, I don't know exactly how to answer that. I would be lying if I said I wasn't fearful, because I am in some ways. I fear that money will get too tight or that I'll never hold this baby in my arms; it frightens me to think that I don't know where we're going or if this is all there is. I will admit that the waves overwhelm me, but I KNOW in whom I BELIEVE. He is at the head of this boat I'm on, and He is my Captain. No matter which storm I encounter, my Lord knows what is right. He knows which way I need to go. He realizes that these waves are best for me and no one else. He chooses me. These storms were made just for me, and I'm beyond thrilled to ride them out.

A Constant Change

For I am the LORD, I change not…
Malachi 3:6

It did not seem like much at the time it was planted, but it has grown to show me how constant my Lord tends to be. As a friend left the bush beside our house, I never imagined it would actually do what he said it would... The small, green leaves seemed so insignificant that I doubted they would ever take change like he promised. Yet, I watched and waited, and last year, it did nothing. It remained the same, hunter green and never changed in size. I was almost disappointed when this "special" bush did not change before my eyes. Of course, I never took the initiative to water it or prune the plant, but I just expected something to happen.

I am not usually that fond of change, but at the same time, it happens all around me. I have changed hair colors, phone numbers, and cities. I have changed cars, jobs, and relationships more often than I will ever admit. I have made new best friends, began shopping at different stores, and completely changed the ways I think throughout the years. In just two short years, I have gone from a single, outspoken teacher to a married, introverted, stay-at-home, soon-to-be mother, and none of these changes have been easy for me.

Expecting change is one thing, but having it happen without knowing how to handle it is another. I am reminded of Abraham when the Lord told him that his barren wife, Sarah, would give birth in Genesis 17 and 18. He fell on his face, laughed, and doubted the change the Lord promised. Sarah also laughed within herself at the idea of becoming pregnant in her old age. Though they had been told, Abraham and Sarah seemed astounded when she bore Isaac (Gen 21:6-7). Never has change been an easy thing to accept, even when you are waiting for it.

Hannah prayed for change. Though her womb was closed, she went year after year praying for a child. Hannah even vowed that if the LORD of hosts would grant her a son, “…then I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life (1 Samuel 1:11).” Did Hannah realize what she was promising? After pleading years for a child, would she willingly give it away? We all know that she did (in the latter portion of 1 Samuel 1). She begged for change and received it. She waited for change and cherished it. She longed for change and loved it.

No matter how change comes, it is never what we expect, and its outcome is not always what we planned. However, while waiting on our burning bush, which never seemed to bring forth the change I was hoping for, I have learned that God is in the midst of the changes we seek or are given. He promised that He Himself would never change. Daniel said, “Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, for wisdom and might are His. And He changes the times and the seasons… He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding (Daniel 2:20-21).” Though things around us are changing, we can be confident in knowing that the Lord will give spiritual guidance to those who seek Him.

As I looked outside this afternoon, I saw the most beautiful thing… change. In it, I saw how faultlessly and timely the Lord moves. The leaves were a bright red, and just like Moses before his burning bush, I stood in awe of the wonder of change and the beauty of a constant God.

Living in a Great, Big World

I cannot help but look at the world around me differently. Something about the fact that I am carrying one of His very own within me makes me view life in a fascinating way. When I was pregnant for the first time, it seemed so surreal, yet I never could have understood then what I realize now.

Sometimes I take so many things forgranted. I complain so often about how I have very little purpose in life. I find myself wishing I were back at school just to hear NOISE all over again. I hear myself saying how lonely I am. I notice how I have come to enjoy simply being alone.

When God told me to leave school, I thought it was the best and worst thing that could have happened to me. Best because I was so unhappy, so burdened, and so emotional being in front of 20 little children. Worst because when I reached the solitude of being in a room all by myself, I would be forced to face the silence that I, for so long, tried to avoid.

Yet, I see now that God was working out His plan for my life. I could have never understood what it meant then, but now I realize that He was expecting me to bring life into this great, big world. I sit in the house alone now and simply breathe in. I wake knowing that life has changed. I cry with little reason. I know deeply that it is the little one inside me that excites me to no end. I live with a great understanding of what God is capable of.

And as small as I am, He has chosen me for this reason... To live for Christ, and to love as He does. It's really as easy as that.

When He Speaks

A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.
Proverbs 16:9

For three days, I worked diligently on a painting that would be given to an expectant mother. I watched as the colors fell into place and became one of the most unique things I had ever done. The baby's name soon was creatively decorated onto the canvas, and finally, the decision on which scripture to use was finalized. As I wrote the bright pink verse on the pink and green polka dotted canvas, I did not know then how true they would be for me in the next few days...

Just a week before I began this gift, I had applied and been accepted to Western Kentucky University's online Master's Program in Elementary Education. I was overjoyed at the possibility of pursuing a purpose in my life. The door opened for me so quickly to go back to college; I never once took the time to really pray it through. It just seemed as if it were the right thing to do.

In my heart though, I believe I knew better. Just like the pink and green dots so brilliantly corresponded, a teacher with a year off should take the time to get her Master's degree. Or so I thought. We joke about it now, but my husband questioned me one afternoon about going back to school. The anxiety about it was overwhelming me, and with such clarity and conviction, I told him, "I would rather be a mother, than have a Master's."

For the past nine months, I have longed for a child. In December of 2007, when I learned we were in fact pregnant with our first child, I knew God was answering my prayers. Just two short months later, when that same God took the baby into His arms, I asked Him over and over why it had to be this way when He had just given me all that I wanted. When we didn't get pregnant in the next few months and knowing I would not be teaching in any school in the upcoming fall, we decided that God wanted us to further our education. I shared the information with family after being accepted, and as excited as they all were, my dad said the most peculiar words after learning of the news, “I thought you were calling to tell me you were pregnant." He even seemed disappointed (don't take this wrong because my father would love to see me graduate again).

I'll be honest... I was too. Two years ago when I graduated from Western, I was so thankful to be leaving and had no intentions of going back. God seems to have His own ideas and plans, and He actually wasn't keeping them from me. You see, as I was busy making my own plans to head back to school, God was speaking His plans for me loud and clear through paintings, family, and in my heart. I would not be going back to school because 1) the cost is currently too expensive, and 2) we are pregnant with our second child.

Now, I don't know the specific plans God has for me, and I'm not sure that I will ever meet this child that is within me. What I do know is that, through the steady sound of a heartbeat on an ultrasound monitor, God speaks clearly. He speaks directly. He speaks with great wisdom. When He speaks, we must listen. Our lives are not our own, and our decisions are not ours to make. So with a humble heart, I write to express my deepest apologies for misinforming you about my returning to college, and I meekly ask you to pray for us as we anticipate the plans God has for our future...

The bright pink words on the canvas stand out now. They are so plain yet now incredibly beautiful, as I know that God was using them to speak to my heart. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." How awesome it is when God speaks!


(See the “Bright Pink Canvas” here.)