Can I be completely honest with you? Is it alright if I pour my heart out to you and let you know how I truly feel? Will you think less of me if I tell you how I am struggling? How would you view me if you really knew the person I am?
I have always found a way of being open. You can read my emotions like a book because I often wear my heart on my sleeves. It is easy to tell what I am thinking. It is usually written all over my face. Until recently, I have lived this way, with no fear in my mind that my open heart would ever be broken.
But it is. It is not like me to want to tell the honest truth. Though I am willing to pour my thoughts and ideas out into the air so that all will know them, I never like admitting that I am hurt or disappointed or completely and honestly overwhelmed.
You are probably thinking that it is because I am pregnant and my hormones are raging, but it isn't. It is the fact that I have allowed my faith to become so weak that the devil has been able to creep right into my home and steal my joy. He has found his way into my checkbook, into my head, and more so, into my life. He's in every bill I receive, every comment that someone makes, every open position I see posted online. The worst part is that I realize he's there, yet I cannot do anything to stop him.
You see, it wasn't long ago that God allowed my husband and me to miscarry, quit a teaching position, resign from a church, lose our grandparents and his father to death, and learn to lean completely on Him. It all began in July of 2007, just 3 months after we had gotten married. Some saw this as the Lord proving to us that we shouldn't have wed; we saw it as an opportunity for God to prove Himself. And He has. Truly, He has.
But there comes a point when the trials become overwhelming and they seem too difficult to carry. You wonder why God has chosen you for these battles, and it seems as if the hardships continue to come your way. I'm there. I have started wondering why God has chosen me. Why has He decided that my family must endure such trying times and desperate situations?
I have never been here before. I am even confused if whether or not the Lord hears me anymore. I have never felt so alone in all of my life. I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, and I'm not begging for help. I'm simply at a place that I know many have experienced.
Whether or not I'm questioning God and where He is isn't the point... The point is that I know you are hurting too. Maybe you aren't willing to say it publicly or even admit it to yourself, but I realize now that people are longing to be loved by a Heavenly Father that they feel isn't showing up. I am so there. He says in His Word that we will have troubles, but to cheer up because He has overcome the world. I don't know about you, but I need Him to overcome my life and the hold that the devil has on it. I need to see Him when I open my inbox or read my Bible. I need to know that He's working on the other end. I need to know that He's hearing my prayers and to help me understand when I don't get the answers I want or think I need. I've never experienced the humility I am facing now. But as humbly as I can, I want you to know that I am hurting. Just like you. I know your pains may be different than mine, but to Christ, they are much the same. He's willing to come through for us... And honestly, I wish that moment was now.
Showing posts with label Jobs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jobs. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Worrying Gets the Best of Me...
I'm getting anxious. Really anxious. I worry over every quiet moment when I cannot feel this baby moving, and I worry when he is... I feel our tiny boy's kicks, and I get the most overwhelming feeling that I'm not prepared for what the Lord's about to do in my life. Yet at the same time, I know that the Lord has equipped me for this time and this place, and He's allowing me this opportunity. However, I cannot help but be nervous over all of this.
I've been in this position before. Not the one where I have only 14 weeks left until I give birth, but the one in which I am ridiculously overwhelmed with a certain situation. It happened just about a year ago. With all the determination in the world of a child following her Daddy, I went to my principal and told him I would not be returning in the fall. Doesn't seem like a big deal when I say it that simply, but the months and weeks beforehand were nothing small.
I struggled with a burden for 6 months. For 6 months, beginning in July of 2007, I questioned what God was telling me. I doubted Him when He made me to feel as a stranger in my own classroom. I was confused at why every time I moved my room around, it never satisfied me. It wasn't until January of 2008 that I really believed Him. It took a positive pregnancy test for me to see that God wanted me to stay at home. Then the walls came down, and I realized I was wrong in February when we lost the baby. I couldn't understand why the burden to leave still remained.
That same month, as I had been evaluated while teaching, a dear woman from the Board of Education told me that maybe this wasn't where I needed to be. I couldn't believe she was inviting me to leave teaching. Yet the Lord had been doing so for 6 months, and I still wouldn't listen to Him. That is, until this woman spoke to me for Him. I saw Him looking at me through her beautiful brown eyes, and I knew what I needed to do.
I anticipated telling my principal, but I was so worried about it, I would ball up everytime I saw him coming down the hall. I was frightened to take such a huge leap of faith. I avoided him for almost 3 weeks though I knew what I had to do. I remember I was an emotional mess at the time, and most people walked on eggshells around me due to my fragile demeanor over losing my child. The idea of having to waltz into the principal's office and explain why I'm not coming back terrified me.
With all the anxiety in the world, I remember knocking on his door in March 2008. I remember sitting down uncomfortably and shaking uncontrollably. Yet when the words came, they were so easy. Like something I had rehearsed, the Lord just put my resignation in my lap. He gave me what it was I needed to say. I remember mentioning that the Lord wanted me to leave, and I didn't want to question Him. I also recall my principal saying that he respected me for doing so. It was an honor, and all of the worry just melted away...
I imagine it won't be that simple this time around. It is a child I'm anxious over this time and not just a job. I worry that I won't know how to feed him or love him or even teach him right from wrong. I worry that the labor will be too much or that I won't realize it's time to go to the hospital. I worry that my marriage may suffer at learning how to love both a baby and a husband. Worried, that's what I am.
At the same time, I'm completely humbled because I know that IT IS THE LORD who leads me. I know that He will give me the strength to carry this child. I know He'll give me the words to speak as I teach this child about Him. I know that He'll encourage me to love as I should, and He will give me all that I need when the time is right. Why worry?!
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:33-34
Sometimes, it just gets the best of me. Without a job, without a church home, and with a baby on his way, I cannot help but question God's reasoning. But, as my husband once told me before we were married, "Worry is a lack of faith." I'll be honest, my faith surely isn't my strong point, yet with every kick, every prayer being raised, and every check in the mail, I realize that God truly is in control. He's begging me to stop worrying and start anticipating... It is what He has given me: a time for every situation under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1). It's my time to let go and really LET GOD.
I've been in this position before. Not the one where I have only 14 weeks left until I give birth, but the one in which I am ridiculously overwhelmed with a certain situation. It happened just about a year ago. With all the determination in the world of a child following her Daddy, I went to my principal and told him I would not be returning in the fall. Doesn't seem like a big deal when I say it that simply, but the months and weeks beforehand were nothing small.
I struggled with a burden for 6 months. For 6 months, beginning in July of 2007, I questioned what God was telling me. I doubted Him when He made me to feel as a stranger in my own classroom. I was confused at why every time I moved my room around, it never satisfied me. It wasn't until January of 2008 that I really believed Him. It took a positive pregnancy test for me to see that God wanted me to stay at home. Then the walls came down, and I realized I was wrong in February when we lost the baby. I couldn't understand why the burden to leave still remained.
That same month, as I had been evaluated while teaching, a dear woman from the Board of Education told me that maybe this wasn't where I needed to be. I couldn't believe she was inviting me to leave teaching. Yet the Lord had been doing so for 6 months, and I still wouldn't listen to Him. That is, until this woman spoke to me for Him. I saw Him looking at me through her beautiful brown eyes, and I knew what I needed to do.
I anticipated telling my principal, but I was so worried about it, I would ball up everytime I saw him coming down the hall. I was frightened to take such a huge leap of faith. I avoided him for almost 3 weeks though I knew what I had to do. I remember I was an emotional mess at the time, and most people walked on eggshells around me due to my fragile demeanor over losing my child. The idea of having to waltz into the principal's office and explain why I'm not coming back terrified me.
With all the anxiety in the world, I remember knocking on his door in March 2008. I remember sitting down uncomfortably and shaking uncontrollably. Yet when the words came, they were so easy. Like something I had rehearsed, the Lord just put my resignation in my lap. He gave me what it was I needed to say. I remember mentioning that the Lord wanted me to leave, and I didn't want to question Him. I also recall my principal saying that he respected me for doing so. It was an honor, and all of the worry just melted away...
I imagine it won't be that simple this time around. It is a child I'm anxious over this time and not just a job. I worry that I won't know how to feed him or love him or even teach him right from wrong. I worry that the labor will be too much or that I won't realize it's time to go to the hospital. I worry that my marriage may suffer at learning how to love both a baby and a husband. Worried, that's what I am.
At the same time, I'm completely humbled because I know that IT IS THE LORD who leads me. I know that He will give me the strength to carry this child. I know He'll give me the words to speak as I teach this child about Him. I know that He'll encourage me to love as I should, and He will give me all that I need when the time is right. Why worry?!
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:33-34
Sometimes, it just gets the best of me. Without a job, without a church home, and with a baby on his way, I cannot help but question God's reasoning. But, as my husband once told me before we were married, "Worry is a lack of faith." I'll be honest, my faith surely isn't my strong point, yet with every kick, every prayer being raised, and every check in the mail, I realize that God truly is in control. He's begging me to stop worrying and start anticipating... It is what He has given me: a time for every situation under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1). It's my time to let go and really LET GOD.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Shiny and New
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Opening the front door, peeking inside, I saw the newness of what awaited me. New carpet. New fixtures and faucets. New, fresh paint. New bulbs. Newness just surrounded me. It was one of the most exciting times of my life, having bought our first home together just two weeks before we were married. I breathed in the new smells and stared at the new sights, and without one single complaint, I reveled in what the Lord had given me. Everything was new.
The days and months passed, and the new walls became scratched and nail pops began to show. The new carpet looked as though it was twenty years old. Those once-new fixtures and faucets were needing plumbing and examining. I look back to just a little over twenty months ago and remember how quickly newness comes to an end.
I find myself wishing we were in a new house again, that our marriage was still new, and that life was altogether new. Unfortunately, none of them are. They might not, in any way, be old, but they aren't brand new any more. I see how things change in front of my very eyes. From my best friend's baby to my grandfather's age, nothing remains new. Addy, at just two months old, has started laughing and rolling. My Pop recalls more often these days what his life was like years ago. See, nothing can stay the same.
That is, except for Jesus Christ. In Revelation, we see just how NEW life in Christ is, as it states, "Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful (Revelation 21:5).” It's hard for us to understand that things can always be new, but with God they are. From the dawning of each new day to His mercies that are new every morning, life with the Lord is NEW!
And exactly how do I know this? Well, let me tell you that my house may not be new, but it is a home. It will be a brand new home for the new baby who will be entering it in this new year. The new year brings forth opportunities for all of us with new jobs and new talents that God has waiting in store. Those new abilities will be used to make new relationships with those new co-workers. Just think, those new friends may not know the new life they can have in Christ. What a New Year that would be!
With the holidays practically over and those new gifts finding scratches, tears, and their own closet space, there is reason to focus our minds on what really matters in this life. It isn't the new house, car, or job we find ourselves in; it is the relationship we have with our Lord, Jesus Christ. Life without Him is old. In this New Year, take the time to realize the newness we have in Jesus, and cherish it more than any new thing you are given.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Opening the front door, peeking inside, I saw the newness of what awaited me. New carpet. New fixtures and faucets. New, fresh paint. New bulbs. Newness just surrounded me. It was one of the most exciting times of my life, having bought our first home together just two weeks before we were married. I breathed in the new smells and stared at the new sights, and without one single complaint, I reveled in what the Lord had given me. Everything was new.
The days and months passed, and the new walls became scratched and nail pops began to show. The new carpet looked as though it was twenty years old. Those once-new fixtures and faucets were needing plumbing and examining. I look back to just a little over twenty months ago and remember how quickly newness comes to an end.
I find myself wishing we were in a new house again, that our marriage was still new, and that life was altogether new. Unfortunately, none of them are. They might not, in any way, be old, but they aren't brand new any more. I see how things change in front of my very eyes. From my best friend's baby to my grandfather's age, nothing remains new. Addy, at just two months old, has started laughing and rolling. My Pop recalls more often these days what his life was like years ago. See, nothing can stay the same.
That is, except for Jesus Christ. In Revelation, we see just how NEW life in Christ is, as it states, "Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful (Revelation 21:5).” It's hard for us to understand that things can always be new, but with God they are. From the dawning of each new day to His mercies that are new every morning, life with the Lord is NEW!
And exactly how do I know this? Well, let me tell you that my house may not be new, but it is a home. It will be a brand new home for the new baby who will be entering it in this new year. The new year brings forth opportunities for all of us with new jobs and new talents that God has waiting in store. Those new abilities will be used to make new relationships with those new co-workers. Just think, those new friends may not know the new life they can have in Christ. What a New Year that would be!
With the holidays practically over and those new gifts finding scratches, tears, and their own closet space, there is reason to focus our minds on what really matters in this life. It isn't the new house, car, or job we find ourselves in; it is the relationship we have with our Lord, Jesus Christ. Life without Him is old. In this New Year, take the time to realize the newness we have in Jesus, and cherish it more than any new thing you are given.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Living in a Great, Big World
I cannot help but look at the world around me differently. Something about the fact that I am carrying one of His very own within me makes me view life in a fascinating way. When I was pregnant for the first time, it seemed so surreal, yet I never could have understood then what I realize now.
Sometimes I take so many things forgranted. I complain so often about how I have very little purpose in life. I find myself wishing I were back at school just to hear NOISE all over again. I hear myself saying how lonely I am. I notice how I have come to enjoy simply being alone.
When God told me to leave school, I thought it was the best and worst thing that could have happened to me. Best because I was so unhappy, so burdened, and so emotional being in front of 20 little children. Worst because when I reached the solitude of being in a room all by myself, I would be forced to face the silence that I, for so long, tried to avoid.
Yet, I see now that God was working out His plan for my life. I could have never understood what it meant then, but now I realize that He was expecting me to bring life into this great, big world. I sit in the house alone now and simply breathe in. I wake knowing that life has changed. I cry with little reason. I know deeply that it is the little one inside me that excites me to no end. I live with a great understanding of what God is capable of.
And as small as I am, He has chosen me for this reason... To live for Christ, and to love as He does. It's really as easy as that.
Sometimes I take so many things forgranted. I complain so often about how I have very little purpose in life. I find myself wishing I were back at school just to hear NOISE all over again. I hear myself saying how lonely I am. I notice how I have come to enjoy simply being alone.
When God told me to leave school, I thought it was the best and worst thing that could have happened to me. Best because I was so unhappy, so burdened, and so emotional being in front of 20 little children. Worst because when I reached the solitude of being in a room all by myself, I would be forced to face the silence that I, for so long, tried to avoid.
Yet, I see now that God was working out His plan for my life. I could have never understood what it meant then, but now I realize that He was expecting me to bring life into this great, big world. I sit in the house alone now and simply breathe in. I wake knowing that life has changed. I cry with little reason. I know deeply that it is the little one inside me that excites me to no end. I live with a great understanding of what God is capable of.
And as small as I am, He has chosen me for this reason... To live for Christ, and to love as He does. It's really as easy as that.
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