Yesterday

Written April 29, 2015

Yesterday was harder than I want to admit. It's probably going to be a day I will always remember. Samuel struggled, and as his mom, I will admit that I struggled too. I cried out to God (and to Brian) a lot more yesterday than I have before, and I made more phone calls to doctors than I have in the past.

It seemed like a normal day when we woke yesterday. We went to the homeschool/classroom, but Samuel was moving very slowly with his blanket in tow. His eyes were dark, and it was almost as if he hadn't slept 9 hours the night before. This child of mine who loves school and learning didn't go to his green desk; instead, he went to the corner of the room, laid down in the floor, and put his blanket over his head.

The rest of the day went slowly. It involved a lot of falling asleep, waking up only to get sick, moaning, very little speaking, and falling asleep again. Yesterday... it was scary for me. I waited on phone calls from the neurologist and from our pediatrician, but I couldn't help but notice how tired and how different he seemed from just a few days before.

In God's sovereign grace and provision, He cared for Samuel yesterday when I was frightened and unsure of what to do. He seemed to lifeless to me, but God was sustaining him and knew exactly what to do when I didn't. How grateful I am for my Heavenly Father! His care is so much greater than mine for both me and the children that He's entrusted me with.

Today... oh, TODAY.

Today, Samuel is filled with laughter and smiles, and he is gladly sitting on the couch, doing his school work because he realized he missed it yesterday. I am typing this through tears of thankfulness because joy truly does come in the morning. Friends of ours are going through trials that I cannot fathom. Their children are facing battles that shouldn't be comprehended by little ones at their ages. 

Yet, I see God. I see him working it all together for good. Romans 8:28. Even through the hard, disappointing, sad, unfair situations, I see that God has a greater purpose that I cannot truly understand at this time. I have to be willing to trust His plans and know that His will is going to be done in each of them... because yesterday, oh yesterday, I had no control. God had it all.

I don't know what tomorrow holds or what next week brings, but I know God already has it planned. I want to be willing and able to trust Him whatever it looks like...

The doctors believe Samuel was having an adverse reaction to his new medication. The dosage will be lowered and monitored for a short time.

Perspective

I had a wise man today tell me that he just didn't believe it. He was going to choose to trust that God could heal Samuel's condition of Chiari, and he was going to pray to that end.

Do you know what I said?! I immediately told him it was unlikely. That the same MAN (Jesus) who made the lame walk, blind see, and dead rise couldn't reverse or heal this malformation within my child's head?! Standing there with him, it was easy to state medical facts that I have researched or been told, but my faith perspective wasn't coming into focus.

Oh, but he made me see it so differently. I don't know what will happen, but I sure want to change my perspective in light of this conversation. It is so easy to become focused on the difficulties of this condition and the symptoms we are facing and lose sight of WHO is in control of it. God does not change. He does not love us any less. He wants us to cling to Him that much more. I believe that this will be what God decides it to be, and I pray Samuel's Chiari story (and whatever else he is diagnosed with) will be used to bring the Lord glory.

Perspective... it changes everything, and lately, I am sorry to say I have been looking at links online instead of facts in THE BOOK - the holy, inspired Word of God. My friend today gave me perspective, and I really needed to hear it.

Things That Make Me...

Crazy:

• Stealing.
• Hearing my 2 year old say, "Stop it!"
• When both boys are crying.
• Diapers that don't hold together too well.
• Wet beds.
• Poo-poo in the pants and not in the potty.
• The fridge's water dispenser.
• Children's snacks attracting ants.
• Watching Samuel fall while walking.
• Having to deal with bibs.

Angry:

• Daniel's strange sleeping patterns or lack thereof.
• Staying up too late.
• Not getting my to-do list accomplished.
• Bugs. 
• Finding ants in the cereal cabinet!
• Smooshed grapes.
• Spitting children.

Frustrated:

• Piles of laundry.
• Children that can climb gates.
• Spilled juice.
• The timeout technique.  Enough said.
• When Daniel pulls all the dvds out.
• When Daniel gets out all of the batteries.
• When naptime ends.
• Not getting a shower.

Laugh:

• When Daniel begs for, "Do-wa."  (Dora the Explorer)
• When my children make each other CRACK UP!
• Finding Daniel naked.
• When Daniel kisses Samuel's booty.
• Samuel's cheesy grin.
• Samuel's excitement over snacks!
• Daniel's love of candy!
• When Daniel says, "Here it comes!" while waiting for dvds to load.
• Children dancing!

Humble:

• "Goodnight Mommy."
• When I've prayed too long, "AMEN!"
• When I tell Daniel, "Stand up," while changing his clothes, he'll say, "FOR JESUS!"
• Hugs.
• Tight hugs.
• Blown kisses.
• Holding my hand to, "Show you sumthin."

Blessed:

• Blue eyes.
• Bug bites.
• Dirty clothes.
• Trails of toys.
• Crumbs for critters.
• Meals with my two babies.
• Finding deals on things I could never purchase!
• Having sweet sisters in the Lord.
• Knowing there are two babies waiting for me in Heaven.
• Realizing I have a ministry, right here in my home.
• Learning that each day is God's gift to me.
• Texts from my husband.
• Love I don't deserve.
• Having a know-so, never-goes salvation.
• Family that knows me too well.
• Being held in the arms of God.  :)

Holidays Really Get to Me...

Don't ask me why exactly, because truly there are a number of reasons.  When I was newly dating Brian (well, actually, just days after the Lord told me that I'd marry him), he mentioned that he wasn't a huge fan of Santa...  or Halloween and costumes...  or the Easter Bunny.  My mouth could have dropped.  It more than likely did.  I remember thinking to myself that "I could change his mind," and that there was "no way my children would be missing out on holiday fun."

My, how the thoughts have shifted!  I have almost become the "grinch" when it comes to holidays.  Mainly just the ones that are truly about Jesus and have actually become so focused on pagan rituals.  I mean, where did Santa Claus come from?  And, exactly who thought it'd be a good idea to dress children in black wigs, fake teeth, and thick make-up for the sake of a scary costume?  And, how did chasing after eggs sound like something that made any sense at all?

Don't get me wrong, but my mind is aching over the fact that the world revolves around EVERYTHING except Jesus.  You cannot even get to the fruit section at Walmart without craving a chocolate bunny or sneezing your head off due to the lilies and daisies this time of year!  Forgive me for saying so, but I am heart-broken over the idea of kids not knowing who Jesus Christ is, but being able to tell you every single detail about eight reindeer and a bunny who delivers baskets.  Where have we lost our way?  When did this life become more about tradition than the TRUTH?

I must admit...  I loved picking out Daniel's three Christmas gifts and watching him as he got his first glimpse of the lights on the tree.  I had a blast dressing him up as a lion for Halloween.  I even enjoyed finding the perfect Easter outfit for him as well (which I found at consignment for $2).  I really have tried to incorporate Christ into the center of each and every holiday we've had with Daniel.  But as a parent, I'm starting to realize how my actions reflect what my children are going to remember about each holiday and the real reason behind each of them. 

I am not completely against holidays or meaning to "bash" those of you who participate in them, but I recently have become aware of my conviction that I want to be different...  peculiar, even, as Scripture says.  I want the world to know that I love the Lord and want Him to be the focus my family has.  I don't want to be bombarded with the what-I-seem-to-make overwhelming issues of picking out what to wear for each special service and cutting down a tree.  I want to remember and be an example as to the fact that Jesus was lowly, humble, meek...  He didn't dress in new linens.  He didn't focus on what His appearance was.  He actually was willing to die on a tree for my sake...  for the world, that is.  So, when these holidays arrive each year, and if I have trouble distinguishing between truth and tradition, I want to be certain that my heart is where is should be on a daily basis...  Focused on the real meaning behind each one:

Jesus Christ.


I write this only because I have truly struggled over how to parent my child in a Christian manner.  I have often wondered if we should celebrate holidays at all or have parties that focus on anything other than God.  Maybe it is because I am young in the faith and still have a great deal to learn, but I have come to know that there IS more to life than merely what we have made of it.