How Do You Do It?

I have been asked this question three times in the last twenty-four hours, and I've given three different answers.  However, the truth is that why and how I do it is all of grace.

You see, I've been the recipient of grace more times than I recount.  I received grace from my little sister when I repeatedly stole the spotlight.  I got grace from my momma when I wasn't willing to clean my room, fold my laundry, or do anything in a timely manner.  I found grace in the sight of my daddy when I came home late almost every single night.  I was given grace as a ten-year-old girl by my Lord and Savior when I begged Him to save me from my sins.  I found grace 14 months after I had miscarried our first child and held our first born son in my arms.  I am completely familiar with what grace is.

It is how I live each day being the mother of three small boys.  It is grace that gets me through our crazy breakfast routine which consists of making three different meals.  It is grace that reminds me that the messes they make are temporary.  It is grace that beckons me when I've reached my patience limit at only 9 o'clock.  It is grace that helps me tie every shoe, wipe every nose, change every diaper, clean every spill, correct every disobedient heart, prepare every specific meal, fight for every minute of nap time, spank for every sinful action, and wash every single load of laundry.  Grace is how I do it.

But, there are moments when, in my sin-filled, human heart, grace doesn't seem to be enough, and I throw my own little fits.  You see, I'm imperfect.  I don't always "grin and bear it."  I tend to play the part that I have it altogether, but I don't.  I'm as flawed as they come.  I once cried out to God to bless me with children, and now I'm blessed with three of them and still begging God for help.  I expected my children to be exactly as I had envisioned them...  obedient, quiet, clean, mild-mannered, and perfect.  I wanted their clothes to match, their mouths to be filled with kind words, their manners to be inherent, their hair to lay flat and always be brushed, their hearts to be full of love for those around them, and all of these other things that were dreams I thought needed to be fulfilled when I had each of them.

I learned quickly that my visions of perfection weren't going to come true.  Perfect isn't possible in this life, and yet I pushed it on each of our boys.  I push hard.  I cry.  I act like a child.  I yell.  I criticize.  And, when I finally have their attention and my own way, I realize how ridiculously sinful I have been.

It's through these precious boys that I have seen my sinful actions and faults, and I'm constantly running to my Father and begging for just a little bit more of HIS grace.  What I do isn't easy.  I don't always have it together.  I get really stressed and frustrated, and I usually take it out on my children.  But, I don't ever want them to think that grace isn't enough.  Because it is.  I'm learning that it's okay to apologize to a four-year-old for not trusting him (when I assumed he'd climbed the counter for another snack when he hadn't).  I'm seeing that it's necessary to ask my three-year-old for forgiveness when I've yelled a little too loudly.  I'm teaching my sixteen-month-old to say "sorry" by saying it to him when my frustration peaks at his need for being right under my feet.

If I don't teach these boys what grace is by showing it to them, I'm afraid they'll never know what God meant when He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9)."  Year from now, when they wonder how their mom did it, I want them to know the answer.  Grace, God's glorious, unmerited favor, freely given to me.

How do I do it, friends?  It's only by HIS grace...  and these sweet faces are worth it.

Post-bath crazy hair

Toasting their ice cream cups

Playing in baby brother's crib

Proudly wearing his mommy's Alaska shirt

Full bath of boys = Full heart for Mom

Cheesy grin

Mischievous smirk

Happy boy

Eating "curly" chips at Taco Bell

Smitten with Taco Bell's rice

Overwhelmed Much?

I am reminded on numerous occasions how overwhelming being a stay-at-home parent really is.  I wish I could say that most days are rosy and that the boys and I are busy doing crafts and learning their ABCs, but let's face it...

Just Tuesday afternoon, while I ran into the master bath for a quick restroom break, I had no idea how overwhelmed I'd be once I walked into the living room.  In the short time it took me to use the restroom, Daniel had snapped two of his train sets together on the coffee table, opened the fridge (on his own), climbed the fridge shelves, got out the carton of eggs, brought them into the living room, encouraged his brother to partake in the fun, and proceeded to crack every single egg onto the tracks, which of course, ended up all over the coffee table, my carpet, and the two of them!  I should've taken a picture, but I was so frustrated with the situation that I didn't even yell.  "Daniel, really?!" was all I mustered up to say.  The clean-up process literally took an hour.  UGH.

Then, on Wednesday morning, I had the great privilege of sharing our pregnancy news with my local MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) group.  When asked what the ages of my other children were, I replied that I'd have kids that were "3, 2, and new," and to my not-so surprise, the women (who are all mothers themselves) gasped...  All 50+ of them!  Moments like that are both exciting and overwhelming, because I realize that having three under three will not be easy.  Having two isn't easy...  Honestly, having one isn't easy. 

Having children is a constant OVERWHELMING adjustment, and it's one I adore most of the time.  There are days that I wonder how God decided I would be capable of this.  However, I'm realizing that God's grace is enough for me.  It's sufficient in these overwhelming moments of parenthood.  I'm learning that I cannot survive without His grace.  In fact, each day would be even more challenging than it already is without my life in Christ.  It's a blessing knowing that this is the life God chose for me.  He decided that the two boys who are destroying my nicely, vacuumed living room right this minute would be perfect for me.  I get shell-shocked everytime I think of that.  What's really overwhelming is that God gave me this beautiful, little life, and it's mine to enjoy if I will.  How can I not be overwhelmed by His grace when I picture these overwhelming moments like that?!

Grace Abounds

In every tiny kick and each little spout of heartburn, my Lord's grace abounds.

There was a time two years ago this same month when I was at this place:  pregnant, uncertain, and extremely scared.  It was just weeks into our first pregnancy when I learned that we had miscarried.  I didn't feel anything or any different; I just imagined that there was this precious person growing within me and everything was fine.  Yet it wasn't.  Ten weeks into the pregnancy, we were told that it wasn't viable.  There was no heartbeat.  No movement.  No kicks.  No, nothing at all.

However, to this day, I cannot think that it was nothing.  I cannot believe that that baby was not a baby.  I don't know whether it was a girl or a boy, but I know it was a child of God.  Perfectly knit in my womb to fulfill God's plans for my life.  What that is, is anything but "nothing." 

Somehow, these two years later, I have learned that those days, those moments, those horrific valleys of despair were actually times of God's amazing grace.  He redeemed me.  He restored me.  He taught me that He was in control, and now, with our third baby thriving in my womb, I am able to be at complete peace knowing that God knows what is to come.

More than ever, I am able to experience God's grace with a deep appreciation for my Father.  He was there when I was conceived.  He was there that January afternoon when my mother's water broke.  He knew my hip would be dislocated and that I would wear a brace to correct it for 6 months of my life.  He also knew that years later I would have three children of my own.  He even realized that giving one up to Heaven before I ever met it would break me.  He understood that I needed that.  He knew that Daniel would be my first born son.  He knew Daniel would have a brother.  He just knew even way back when, and that is grace. 

So, with every new stage in life (and in this pregnancy), I have learned to look for His grace...  Because it's there.  It surrounds me.  It shapes who I am, who I've lost, who I'm raising, and also who I am carrying.  But I'll never forget that it was this same month two years ago when God's grace made me who I am, taught me about loss, showed me how to be a mother, and how to trust that God is in control of life.  Grace, it's so good.

In The Small Stuff

I have posting upon posting to do (like I know that you're ecstatic over hearing about Daniel's first Christmas and how many teeth he has and how Baby #2 is doing with its perfectly beating heart and all about how this second pregnancy and an 8-month-old are treating me), but in this quiet moment, when Daniel is tucked peacefully into bed and will, without a doubt, sleep at least four hours, as he has become prone to do, I find myself in awe of how good God has been to me.


There was a time when all I wanted was to be married.  After that, all I really wanted was to be pregnant.  Then, when the Lord answered that request and suddenly took it away, all I really needed was love.  It took four long, devastating months for me to find that God had given me that too...  oh, you know, in the eyes of my husband who longed for me to live again and then in the simple statement of a purple plus sign on a pregnancy test.  After that surprise, all I really wanted was a healthy baby girl, and the Lord gave me that as well in the form of a beautiful, blue-eyed, energetic little BOY.  And to be completely honest, I haven't expected or asked for much else.  What seriously could be better than all of that?!


Well, it's in those moments when you know there's nowhere else you'd rather be...  

When you're busy working on the house, and your baby comes crawling up to you with his hands lifted high.

When you're exhausted, and at 8-months-old, your little one decides to sleep at least four hours a night.

When you're ill as a hornet, and your husband attempts to make you laugh by playing the Grinch.

When you're fearing there is no heartbeat, and the nurse proudly states, "138 bpm."

When you're dealing with nightly morning sickness, and it's more than enough.


When you're unsure of yourself, and you walk a mile and a half carrying two babies - that is, the one in the womb and the one in the carrier.


When you're afraid He doesn't hear you, He, without your noticing, answers all of your small, unspoken prayers...

In Complete Awe of You

Well, I'll admit that twice in one day I became completely awestruck by two amazing beings... It's hard to call them beings in the sense that really they aren't. They are my life, my world you see, and I have been forced to type them into a word like beings... But for the sake of explaining, let me ramble on.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008, is a day I will soon never forget. It began as a normal day with a woman running late to get to her appointment while she knew her husband was more-than-likely already there. He's been amazing throughout all of this pregnancy. He hasn't missed a single thing. I'm so grateful for that.

It went on into a small doctor's office where nurses prodded at this woman's stomach and found the most beautiful heartbeat you've ever heard. In that same room, an expectant father asks if the ultrasound he's been waiting for over four months could be done that moment. He really wasn't pushy; he just felt as though he had to ask with it being the day before Thanksgiving, and WHAT A GIFT to be thankful for!

Soon, that same office had a knock on its small door telling this family that they were going to see their baby, not two weeks from then, but that day! The blood drawing and poking weren't half bad after that. I wasn't so excited to see this little miracle within me.

Not long after lying down on the table, this young couple learned that their baby was a little boy! They watched as he moved his hands around his face, kicked his feet, rolled onto his stomach, and clasped his hands to pray. I was in complete awe of him. RIGHT THEN. I was so, completely, and totally amazed at this little child, growing right under my nose... I cannot explain the love I felt in that moment. I'd never knew what it felt like to be a parent... until then.


His hands in prayer

Driving away with their faces full of joy, the Johnsons couldn't help but see who their Father truly is. He had given them so much to be thankful for, and He completely showed Himself strong. In his father's chin, his mother's nose, and a heart to "pray" after the Lord, how else could God prove His love to them?! Lord, I am completely in awe of You. Thank you for this sweet gift...


Elijah Thomas (1 Kings 18)


With his hands over his head

When God Gets Your Attention

It wasn't long ago that I was told by more than one person that I had to have ADD. My sister would laugh and say that she was positive I had it when the radio commercials would often talk about Adult ADD, and she would say, "Jenna, that is so you." I never took it seriously because I know I am as active (not physically) as a 5 year old... That would be my exact reasoning for wanting to teach Kindergarten.

I even took the online surveys and questionnaires... One of which said I was moderately ADHD, claiming that "You appear to be suffering from a moderate amount of attention and concentration difficulties..." While another said, "The responses you have provided indicate that your symptoms may be consistent with Adult ADD." It's always good to know that a computer fill-in-the-blanks can quickly diagnose me.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not concerned at all. In fact, I'm fairly certain that I could be, but the truth is, my attention is focused in one direction lately.

God has gotten my attention. Has He ever done that for you? It's as if He simply has gathered all of the thoughts and fears I've had and given me a clear picture of what it is He's doing. Now, I don't understand it, and I don't ever hope to. However, I know what He's up to, and I like it. Not because it's grand or spectacular but because it could only be happening this way if He truly was in control. And He is!

I tend to be distant, with my mind wandering in all sorts of directions, never finishing tasks, and quick to answer without thinking of what the question actually was, but I know how much better it is when God has your attention. All of it.


I'm also aware that I was rambling in the post, but for those of you I've spoken to in the past 2 weeks, you know exactly how God has gotten my attention.

Wrong Impression

I know what you've been thinking...

I know that you've worried about how I am and where I've been and what it is I've been doing since I lost my child a little over six months ago. I say that now, the part about my child, with such gratitude from the depths of my heart to the very heart of God. I've learned in the past months that only time can heal wounds of the deepest manner, and only God is capable of helping you understand the hurt, disappointment, and reasoning.

I know that in a few weeks, when his due date rolls around, how difficult it will be. I haven't doubted that at all, but what I have left is the wrong impression. As I grieved this loss in a very open manner, I seem to have given everyone the idea that I am weak, and believe me, I am. But not because I've loved and lost a child that was never really mine to hold.

I know that you may not understand this, but I am so grateful that God chose me. You see, it's taken me six months to realize it was ME he chose for this valley. He wanted ME to endure the pain and turn to Him. He longed for ME to love Him the way He does me. He ached when I did, and He rejoiced when I FINALLY realized it was ALL for His glory.

Maybe I've painted a negative picture of the grief I have had, and maybe I've left you with the impression that I wasn't strong enough to handle it all. Maybe you wondered if I was downcast or depressed, and maybe you've wondered whether or not I've realized that life is worth living.

It is. Every single second. Every single heartache. Every single disaster. Every single sadness. Every single loss. Every single miscarriage. It's worth it.

I have learned that we all have a season that is ours to live. Yours may not be what mine is at this very second. But God's grace is sufficient to get me through each season with more love and hope than I could have ever imagined.

Going through a season of loss has taught me that what you see isn't always what you get. On the outside, I've cried and been burdened and lived with a broken heart. On the inside, I'm rejoicing, because my child has already made it home. HOME! I can say that with all the joy I've ever experienced.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory...
1 Peter 1:6-8


Maybe you've met me on a sad day, one where I was overcome with the tragedy of loss, and maybe you've spent an hour with me over coffee, one where you've heard me discuss this child I never embraced. But on neither of these days have I failed to mention my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I've given the wrong impression. I've made it seem as though I'm getting through all of this on my own. I've made you think I'm terribly miserable and unmistakenly shaken. I've realized you talk about me to others, but never ask me how I really am. If you had, I'd give you this impression: my Lord is enough. That's all there is. Nothing more. Whatever I face and wherever I am, my Lord will see me through. I am overjoyed at the life that lies before me because my Lord is in control.

And that, my friends, is the impression I want to leave behind...