Fearless...

It's not everyday that I open up and completely share my emotions.  It's not often that I have to admit to my insecurities.  It's not enjoyable when other people see me cry, and I am not a huge fan of feeling vulnerable. 

Oh, but sisters, I am.  I am emotional.  I am completely insecure.  I cry, and I am ridiculously vulnerable in the fact that I need to share something I've learned.  If I haven't said so, I am neck deep in the Esther Bible study with Beth Moore.  I have never been so moved to open my heart and fall face first into the arms of Jesus.  Because Beth is right, "It's Tough Being a Woman." And do you know why it's tough for me?  Do you know what I've been struggling with for months now?

Fear. 

I mean, full-fledged, scared to sleep, terrified to live kind of fear, and I am so sick of it.  I have been dealing with fear from all angles of my life.  Every aspect of fear, from the fearing of my lack of control, being fearful of being lonely in regards to faithful friendships, to being horrified of failing, to my struggles with making decisions, and even scared of death.  I could go in great detail over all of these.  I could tell you that I am fearful of losing control.  I am so miserable over not having solid Christian relationships.  I am sick over the idea of failing at being a wife, a mother, a Christian, you name it.  I have the most difficult time making decisions over fear of making the wrong ones.  I could tell you that I am so scared of losing loved ones. But honestly, it wouldn't do me or you any good.

What I have realized (with the aid of Beth Moore) is that each fear I have is a motive for the devil.  He attacks me when I am fearful and scared, and I am almost certain, if you're willing to admit it, that Satan is doing the same to you.  Sweet friends, let's take hold of these fears and no longer be gripped by them.  Because it's our gift from the Lord to be able to LIVE.  And not just live but live it more abundantly.  Fear is not included in that gift.  Jesus set us free from that fear when He saved our souls.  And that's a good thing for me, because I don't want to live like this.  I want to look life straight in the face and LIVE...  fearlessly.

I don't know how it could get any better than that.

One of THOSE Days...

Rushed. Nothing to wear. Forgot to get cash. Stopped by the bank. Running late. 3 bags to carry. Crying baby. Then, upon getting out of the car, I notice my hair. It had taken on a life of itself in just 30 minutes, and knowing I was about to enter a room full of women, it was the worst part of the morning thus far. That is, until Beth Moore hit me across the face when she said, "God knows you're a girl!"

I don't know why it caught me so off guard, but it was such a relief to hear. After the morning I'd made for myself, I had to admit that I've been seriously struggling with the fact that I feel as though I'm not living up to my potential as Brian's wife, Daniel's mother, Dwight and Vicky's child, Jessica's sister, and most importantly, HIS DAUGHTER - this "girl" I'm supposed to be.

Something about being a woman means there are just days that aren't too good. Like just this week, I'm having issues... Issues that range from being unable to make a good lasagna to losing my hair due to post-pregnancy hormones! These are so trivial and silly, but it's so true, and you'd be lying if you didn't have times like these.

I have just started Beth Moore's study on Esther, and I'm learning that God can use me. He has a plan in His mind laid out for me. He takes great pleasure in me. Is that hard to swallow or what?! It is for me.

I have been so busy all of my life trying to be someone for everybody else, from the clothes I wore to the smiling face I often hid behind. It has taken me quite some time (and hearing Beth's resilient voice) to realize that the only person I have to impress is God. And even when I'm doing nothing impressive at all, He loves me just the way I am. Take Songs of Solomon 7:10, for instance, "I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me." Me? Yes, even me... and you!

It is so refreshing knowing that God doesn't see me the way the world views me. On any given day, they can see a new mother, dealing with teething, tears, and tantrums. They might even catch me biting my nails, worrying over the next painting I have to finish or what I can attempt to make for supper. When God looks at me, He sees a brilliant, yet unfinished product that He is diligently working on. He sees a heart cleansed by the blood of His Son. He knows my imperfections and insecurities, and all the while, He is busy straightening each one out in me.

So, if it's one of "those days" - you know, those baby's-crying-phone's-ringing-traffic's-crazy-running-behind kind of days - please, take heart in knowing that God knows where you are, and more importantly, He loves who you are becoming. Messy hair and all.