Delightfully Different

It's been pointed out to me more than once today that next week everything will be different.  Oh, how I long for different!  I've become more and more overwhelmed excited that there will be three little ones dwelling within our four walls in the last few days.  Maybe because I'm ready to stop having heartburn or that I'm anxious to sleep comfortably again even if for only a few, short hours...  Either way, I cannot wait to see what God has in store.

It's hard to imagine change when it hasn't happened yet.  I cannot put into words how many times I've thought about the upcoming arrival and wondered how it would effect our family.  I've worried over Daniel and Samuel's reactions, and I have even tried thinking of ways to manage it all.  But, honestly, what do I know?!  There's not much that's certain right now...  yet I know that my Lord has chosen us for such a time as this.  He's allowed me to carry this child to 39+ weeks (who would have thought?!), and He'll carry me through whatever it is that lies ahead.

I'm delighted to see the work of God's hands.  I've been looking into my boys' faces so much differently this week as we anticipate the birth of this, our third son.  I have seen how wonderfully God designed Daniel and Samuel and how amazingly different each of them is.  However, I've noticed how much they resemble Brian and me,  how their personalities reflect our good qualities and our not-so-flattering traits, and how God intended us to be their parents.  What will this boy be like?  Who will he favor?  Will he be rambunctious like Daniel or timid like Samuel?  Will he have Mommy's nose like the other two boys or will he have Daddy's stature?  It's all so thrilling when I think next week will be different, Lord willing, and I will have another God-given face to view.

Next week.  We cannot wait to see you.

Three Years Ago Today...

Three years ago today, I had no idea what was coming.  I wasn't feeling all that well, but I was 39 weeks pregnant, and honestly, no one feels that well at that point.  However, I went to church with Brian anyway that Sunday, and it was difficult.  I was breathing heavily and extremely uncomfortable.

That afternoon, I took a nap and woke feeling a lot of pain.  Immense pain.  My back was aching, and though the contractions weren't regular, I knew something wasn't right.  Throughout the evening hours, I continued experiencing contractions, but they weren't consistent and I wasn't sure what was going on. 

I suppose it was the pain that I was in that caused Brian to worry.  I was crawling on the floor and leaning over the coffee table to keep from hurting quite so badly.  I cannot remember what time it was, but he made the decision to call the doctor.  I, on the other hand, was exclaiming I wouldn't go to the hospital until my water broke.  It was not breaking despite all the pain. 

The doctor said we should go to the hospital and get checked.  The ride there was excruciating, and the thoughts of natural childbirth quickly left my mind.  I remember telling Brian while in the car, "If I am not at least at a 4 when we get there, they are going to HAVE to give me something."  To my dismay, I was only dilated to 2 when we arrived, but they decided to keep me overnight.

The next day, on April 20th, we would welcome our firstborn son, Daniel Benjamin, into the world.  However, it was a long night beforehand, and I was in labor for around 23 hours before we held Daniel in our arms. 

Looking back now, I see why God chose this amazing child for us.  He is so full of energy and life while our marriage had been filled, up until Daniel's birth, with death.  We'd lost a child to miscarriage, buried two grandparents, and wept over the losses of both of Brian's parents.  Things hadn't been easy. 

When we became pregnant with Daniel, we were ecstatic and scared.  Loss filled our minds, but peace filled our hearts.  God had given me an awesome pregnancy, with a little boy who was super busy.  In the womb, this little being moved with such fierce force.  He rarely was still.  At night, I would lie awake as he kicked and pushed with all he had.  He was determined to let me know he was there.  What a foreshadowing this was!

Three years later, I'm pregnant with Daniel's second baby brother, and while I'm enthralled to be carrying this child at this point, I'm busy reminiscing over my precious firstborn at this moment.  Daniel has been everything I never imagined I could have.  I look into his eyes and see so much of God.  I look at his face and see so much of his Daddy.  I look at his actions and see so much of myself.  He's genuinely caring and perfectly rambunctious.  He's amazingly athletic and quite intellectual.  He's ridiculously meticulous and strangely determined.  He's thrillingly in love with Jesus and reading about Him.  He's constantly in trouble and consistently learning.  He's terribly social and awesomely brave.  He's insanely frustrating at times and exactly what we need all the time. 

Oh, how blessed we are to have him!  Daniel was the answer to so many prayers...  prayers of much-needed happiness, prayers for new life, and prayers that we thought could never be answered.  Yet, here he is, one day away from turning three years old, and my heart is filled with such happiness, life, and joy because of who Daniel is and WHO allowed me to have him. 

There are days when this sweet, almost three-year-old rocks me to the core and pushes my buttons as no one else can, but today, I'm simply in love with him.  I'm deeply, truly, and madly thankful to be Daniel's mommy.  And if nothing else, I'm grateful to my God for the gift we were anticipating three years ago today.  I cannot wait to celebrate his third birthday TOMORROW!

A Diaper Just Made Me Cry...

Seriously.

I ran out of newborn diapers (I literally can praise God for the fact that I've got friends who've provided us with two whole months of diapers), and I realized I had a pack of 1's (of course from friends) to put on Samuel this morning.  I teared up, not because I ran out of diapers, but because my baby is already growing up.  It happened that fast...

I realized how quickly time was passing the other day when Daniel and I were sitting at the kitchen table, he in his booster seat and I in my chair, and I handed him his own peanut butter and jelly on wheat sandwich.  I watched for what seemed like hours as this almost-15-month-old handled his own sandwich.  He fed himself his entire lunch, and though I knew these times were coming, I wasn't exactly sure how I'd feel when they hit.

I didn't know that having children would make me grow up.  I didn't understand how deeply my heart could love and how desperately I want to raise them "right."  I didn't realize how I badly I could worry and how much it hurt to see them cry.  I didn't know it would make me love my husband more and appreciate my parents more than words can express.  Most importantly, I just didn't know that God could care for me this much...

I look into the eyes of my children and feel so blessed, and yet I am so humbled by the fact that God loves me more than I could ever fathom loving my own.  I cannot imagine how much He hurts when I break His heart or end up outside of His will.  I cannot picture what it must be like watching Your own children have kids of their own, yet knowing YOU created both of them must be more fulfilling than anything this world has to offer.  What does it feel like to know that YOU hold their lives in YOUR hands and that YOU are in charge of time? 

So, today as I slipped that size 1 diaper onto my ever-changing, constantly-growing son, my eyes filled with tears knowing that these moments are quickly passing, and God, I cannot thank You enough for each second I have with them.  They are such amazing gifts, and God, YOU are the gift and the giver.  Help me always to cherish this time.  It's going by so fast...

You Wouldn't Know It...

But I have two babies on my hands.  They're not twins, but they might as well be!

I'm busy with pumping, feeding the baby, cleaning, cooking, burping the baby, cutting up food for the toddler, teaching the tot to drink through a straw, changing diaper(S), washing clothes, following the 13-month-old, making sure big brother doesn't strangle/smack/kill the little brother, saying "NO" to the tot, trying to keep the pacifiers in the baby's mouth while toddler tries to take them out, picking up toys, laying one down for a nap while the other is screaming, attempting a double stroller, healing from labor, getting the older one to say words like "Samuel," "Please," "Thank you," and "Yes," learning to live completely on a schedule, going through 15 million baby/toddler clothes' changes, and loving on them as much as possible!

Oh, it's so much fun and so exhausting and so fulfilling and such a blessing. 

However, I honestly cannot find a single minute to:  show pictures of my daily events, post about these precious boys, and not to mention, find the actual USB cord to actually upload pictures to my computer. 

So, I'll get to doing that eventually...

The Story Behind the Names

As I sit quietly in the hospital room with Jenna and our newborn son, I am reminded of God's faithfulness and miracle-working power. Three years ago when Jenna and I were married, I never dreamed of having 3 sons by age 30; however, the Lord in His soveriegn plan knew exactly what He was doing. For that I am truly thankful.

Our first three years of marriage have been filled with pain, grief, joy and blessing. The Lord has given and taken away. First, He saw fit to take Jenna's Nana (July 07), my Granddaddy (August 07), our first child (February 08), my dad (May 08) and my mom (March 09). It is on days like today in the quietness of a hospital room that I wish they were all here to celebrate with us. I like to imagine Jenna's Nana holding Samuel, mom holding Daniel, and my dad patting me on the shoulder and saying welcome to fatherhood. I can hear the faint echos of what my dad might be saying, "Son, now you will know why I loved you the way I did."

Although I can't audible hear their voices or whispers, I am thankful to have a Heavenly Father who has been with me through the funerals and the births. Life is full of cycles. We are born, grow up, grow out, grow old, and then go the way of all men. It is a blessing to know we can escape this cycle and enjoy eternal life.

Jenna and I have three children. Our first, who we lost through miscarriage, was named Ethan Caleb. We gave him this name because Ethan was a singer and writer in the Bible. First Chronicles 15:19 says, "So the singers, Heman, Asaph, and Ethan, were appointed to sound with cymbals of brass;" We knew that our first child though never making it outside the womb was fearfully and wondefully made in the image of God. He was taken directly into the presence of the LORD. I can imagine him singing unto the Lord for His mercy and grace. Ethan wrote Psalm 89. In the first verse, he writes, "I will sing of the mercies of the LORD for ever: with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness to all generations." God is merciful and faithful to all generations, and Ethan's life reminds us of God's graciousness.

His middle name was Caleb. As you know, Caleb and Joshua were the only two people who came out of Egypt and entered the Promised Land. Caleb had great faith, and the Lord reward Him for it. Hebrews 11:6 says, "But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him."

Our second child was going to be named Elijah Thomas. We liked this name, yet during the 8th month of Jenna's pregnancy, my mother passed away of a heart attack at 48 years of age. A few weeks afterward, the Lord began speaking to my heart about our child's name. I kept hearing Daniel. At first, I kept this to myself, because I knew Jenna liked the other name and would have thought I was crazy for wanting to change his name. We already had 3-4 things monogrammed. Yes, the expensive diaper bag was one of them.

When I began researching name meanings, I discovered that Daniel means "My God is Judge." This was so true in our case. Hebrews 9:27-28 says, "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation." God is the Judge of all the earth and because of Adam's transgression, every person will someday die. As a young child, you never really think about it, but within two years, Nana, Grandaddy, Ethan, Dad, and Mom had met the just penalty for sin--death. I am glad to report they were all overcomers through the blood of the Lamb. They all had testimonies of saving faith in Jesus Christ. Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." It also meant a lot to Jenna when she found out her grandparents were going to name their first child Daniel if it were a boy. Her Nana and Pop had two girls, so the name was never used until our Daniel was born.

Daniel's middle name is Benjamin. This is a Johnson family name. My dad's middle name was Benjamin. My granddaddy's first name was Bennie, and my great-great grandfather's first name was Benjamin. When Rachel was dying with Jacob's second son by her (Gen. 35:18), she named her son, Benoni, which means "son of my sorrow or son of my strength." Jacob named him Benjamin which means, "son of the right hand."

Daniel Benjamin is our first son we have been able to hold. Everytime I look into his face and call his name, I hope I am reminded of "My God is Judge" and "Son of my Right Hand." Within his name, I am reminded of God's grace through redemption. All men have sinned and come short of the glory of God. We all stand before a Righteous Judge without one plea, yet God sent His Son Jesus from His right hand to die for the sins of man. In Jesus, God righteousness stands, His justice is satisfied, and sinful people like Nana, Granddaddy, Ethan, Dad, and Mom can by faith be pardoned and justified in God's presence (Romans 3:26). This Jesus is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen (Jude 1:24-25).

After Daniel was born, we were consumed with taking care of him. We actually couldn't believe we had a child. He was born 6 weeks after my mom passed away, and his presence helped heal my heart from the grief and pain of losing my parents. There were still days of grief and disappointment, but his sweet face brightened our home. The Lord used Daniel to heal Jenna's heart as well. After our first miscarriage, we never knew if we would have any children. We were both concerned and heartbroken. She took it much harder than I did, and for four months after losing Ethan, she was devastated. After researching online, she found a book called Hannah's Hope. It dealt with problems of infertility, miscarriage, and the loss of children. The book worked wonders on Jenna's heart, and it helped allow some light to poke through the dark clouds which surrounded her.

Four months after Daniel's birth, I had a sense that we might be ready for another child. I joked with Jenna as Daniel was crying about having another child. In some ways, I have learned that kidding each other about having children is not always the best. There are many who would love to have children. Those who never have any problems getting pregnant do not really understand the full blessings of having children. Some choose to not have children. Some couples graciously adopt and provide a wonderful picture of God's unconditional love.Others get pregnant easily, wait 9 months, and deliver like it is a breeze. My heart has grown more sensitive through our process of loss and birth, and I will continue to learn more as our children grow. I do want to remind you of how fragile life is. God is ultimately the Giver and Sustainer of life.

Throughout this pregnancy, we have been reminded of Hannah's hope. We could have never imagined having two living sons now. Two years ago, I wondered about the options we had in raising a family. There are many children who get neglected, are in orphan's homes, and are in need of adoption. Like Hannah, we prayed and the Lord answered. During this pregnancy, Jenna was in the hosptital 5 times (one stay lasted 7 days), on bedrest 17 days, and in a wreck which totaled our car. There were so many prayers lifted up for this child. Hannah in First Samuel 1:27 said, "For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:" God heard so many of our prayers for protection, peace, and provision. Samuel means "heard or asked of God or God's hears." We are thankful we serve a God who hears and answers prayers!

Samuel's middle name is Levi. Of course, you know this was the third child of Jacob, and we consider Samuel our third child. Levi's family was also the people God chose to be in charge of His worship. It was the Levites who were in charge of taking care of the tabernacle. Within this tribe, God chose Aaron and His family to be the priests. The Levites were not given any land when the Promised Land was divided, because God was their portion. Levi means "united or joined." Daniel and Samuel are very close in age, and we pray they both will grow up close to each other, close to us, and most importantly to God.

For those who may have wondered, these are the stories behind our son's names. Parenting is an incredbile responsibility. As a dad, it is my job to reflect the glory of our heavenly Father to our family, and the love and intimacy of Jesus Christ to my wife. May God bless you and your families as you are witnesses of His goodness and grace. Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them(Psalms 127:3-5a)!

A Humbled Dad,
Brian

Waiting...

Visited Dr. Nason today.
Dilated to 2.
Last week was a 1.
Progress, just not enough.
37 weeks tomorrow!
Praising God for that!

Wow.

A lot can happen in a really short amount of time.

Let me give you the short end of this very fast story.

1. On Daniel's birthday, Tuesday, April 20th, I started bleeding.
2. Mind you, I was only 33 weeks, 6 days pregnant.
3. I had my regular OB appointment and ultrasound that morning.
4. Turns out I had a partial placental abruption.
5. I was monitored in Hendersonville Medical Center and given a steroid shot for the baby's lungs to mature quickly in case of an emergent delivery.
6. Because I kept bleeding, it was almost inevitable that I would have to have a C-section that day.
7. So, they transferred me to Baptist Hospital where they have a NICU.
8. I had an ultrasound there...  No more abruption.
9. I had to have another steroid shot for the baby in case he came.
10. BECAUSE, I was having contractions...  2 minutes apart. 
11. They put me on Magnesium Sulfate.
12. It has awful side effects:  hot flashes, burning sensations, flu-like symptoms, etc.
13. I had to be weaned off of it in order to go home.
14. They gave me Procardia - a pill to stop contractions.
15. It has side effects too, like it dropped my blood pressure to 60/20.
16. Within three days, I was released to go home, Friday, April 23rd, at 2:00 pm.
17. By 10 pm that same night, I was back at Baptist being monitored.
18. I had been having contractions 5 minutes apart for four hours.  Pre-term labor.
19. I was sure they'd let me deliver.
20. But, they put me BACK ON MAGNESIUM.  
21. You know, the one with the terrible side effects.
22. I cried.
23. They gave me morphine.
24. I slept.
25. By Monday, April 26th, I was sent home with no restrictions and Terbutaline to take in case contractions started back up.
26. Terbutaline makes me jittery.  Heart pounds.  Really shaky.  
27. On the following day, I was able to go back to my regular OB.
28. I was given another ultrasound.
29. Dr. Nason said he had truly seen the answers to prayer...
30. The abruption seemed to have healed itself.
31. Everything looked perfect!
32. He prayed with us.
33. He also said that if I could make it until 36 weeks, he wouldn't stop me from going into labor or from delivering! 
34. That's only 7 days away...  I'm 35 weeks pregnant today.
35. Or, if we're realistic, my due date is June 2nd.  Still, that's only 5 weeks away.
36. Wow.
37. God is good and completely in control.

Carrying a Blessing

Maybe you haven't noticed it, but I can't help but stare every time I see it...
 
It's that little gadget on the top right side of this page, and it's a daily reminder of how truly blessed I am.

Being a woman who has miscarried and was later given a child, I am incredibly fascinated by the process God takes in creating a child in a woman's womb.  I read all I can about what's taking place each week with this new miracle, and though I've already been here and done this all before, I am still amazed by God.  I am floored by what He's doing within me.  I am humbled that He's chosen me to carry this one, and though losing a child taught me to understand this, I cannot help at times to be human and want to be in control...  You know?

It's my body, yet it's actually His. 
It's my baby, yet it's totally His. 
It's our future, but it's completely His.

How in the world did God look down and pick me?  How did He know that Brian would be exactly the friend I'd want to have in every situation?  How did He know that losing our first baby would break me?  How did He know that I'd need time to heal?  How did He know that Daniel would bring more joy to me than I could have imagined?  How did He know that conceiving a third child would bring a calming peace over me in the midst of pregnancy and infancy? 

I'm not sure.  There's so much about my Lord that I simply cannot understand...

But this is what I do know.  He's good, and He just knows.  Not only that, but it's all His.  All I've been given and all I own, I owe to Him.  So, this sweet blessing is just that...  His child being carried by another one of His children...



I am 20 weeks along with Baby #3...

SHOWING MY LIFE - Baby Showers

I've got to be honest, most of my friends including myself are just now having babies. So far, I've not had to throw any showers as of yet (other than bridal ones). However, I was blessed with 5 different baby showers before Daniel was born in April. Here are just some of the many brilliant showers that friends, family, and churches threw for us:

My dear friend threw this one at my home church for me, and it was blue and brown themed. It was ALL of my favorite things from white cake with vanilla and chocolate icing to daisies which were dyed baby blue... They also put blue mints on the cake and had blue punch, and she even had brown and blue polka dotted decorations which, of course, I loved.




My husband's home church threw us a beautiful shower. I would have to say what was so amazing about this one was the cake. A sweet friend of ours made the cake and included our baby's original monogram on it (I say original because we changed his name just 2 weeks before he was born).




My family shower was AWESOME. My mom, aunt, cousin, and sister listened in great detail about things I would like. I found these ADORABLE invitations at a dollar store and wanted the whole shower to be themed around them. However, we had to order EVERYTHING online, but it was well worth it. It was blue and lime green stripes with white polka dots (if you cannot tell, I love dots).

Here is my beautiful cake, made by my mom's dear friend

The lime green punch and themed cups

Another friend made this diaper cake as a centerpiece

The food table with blue and lime green streamers

Me and my loving family


Last but definitely not least, the sweetest "shower" by far was the one my husband's classmates threw for us. Well, they didn't actually "throw" it. They had planned for weeks to do something for us, and on the last night of classes, Brian had walked out for break and came back in to the room to find gifts, cookies, and cards galore. He brought everything home to me (I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time), and we took this picture of all they did for us!



The cutest things I've ever seen at friends' showers have been:

This ridiculously useful diaper cake with pacifiers, burp cloths, hairbows, rattles, etc. attached to it.


These clever favors shaped like lollipops with baby spoons as the stick and wash cloths as the sucker.

All Things New

There are 10 tiny fingers and 10 precious toes I have come to adore in the past 7 weeks. I have watched them as they held tightly onto my hands, and I have seen them as they were used to roll a little miracle over. I have never felt anything so soft, and without doubt, I have never experienced anything so new.

I can remember sitting on the couch one evening not too long ago, just rubbing my hands against his sweet feet. He would just coo and grin, but what I noticed more so was the fact that they were incredibly smooth... I could not believe how new they felt, and I quickly realized it was because they were.

His hands and feet haven't been used yet. They haven't petted an animal or played in the sand. They haven't fallen and scraped on the pavement, and they haven't held a bat or thrown a ball. They haven't needed Band-aids or Neosporin, and they haven't needed a cast. They are perfect, absolutely brand new.

Isn't that how it was when we first started our relationships with Christ? Brand new. We hadn't experienced great loss, and our hearts hadn't been hurt. We hadn't felt the pain our Christian walk would some day bring, and we didn't know what was ahead. We didn't realize that our faith would be tested and that our problems wouldn't be solved just because we wanted the Lord to. We just knew that we were His, and that truly was enough. There were no scrapes, scratches, or bruises on our relationships, and we never imagined anything could change that.

I don't know about you, but life with Christ isn't so "new" anymore. I've been saved over 15 years, and I know that things have changed since I first met my Savior. I've changed. My heart has experienced more than I could ever imagine. I have felt more pain than I feel one should ever be allowed. Honestly, I have to admit that those heartaches have caused the newness to wear off. I forget that day when I became His; the Lord took out my heart of stone and gave me a new one.

It is hard to fathom that before very long, those 10 tiny fingers and 10 precious toes won't be so new. They will have found the floor and end up in places I cannot think of now. However, they will always be precious in my eyes. They'll always be as amazing as the first day I saw them. And I have to believe that God feels the same about me... I'm not as new as I was the day He saved me, but in His eyes, I'm still the little child who ran to meet Him that April day many years ago. He is still making all things new...

He's Here...

Daniel Benjamin arrived April 20, 2009, at 3:53 p.m. He weighed 8.8 pounds and measured 21 and a half inches! He's adorable, of course, I'm a bit partial. Learn more about our latest blessing from the Lord here.

Learning Life with a New Name

Have you ever been so set on something that you were willing to fight for it? Have you ever gotten to the point that you knew you were so right that you risked a relationship over it? Have you ever learned the hard way that your way was not exactly the right way?

I have. In fact, I learned it just this week. It has taken me four weeks to understand what the Lord has been trying to teach me, and then it dawned on me... The fact was, I was wrong. In learning this life lesson, I had to let go of something I thought was life or death. I risked the sanity in my home over what-only-now-I-see as a tiny detail. I was willing to choose my way over letting the Lord have His.

It is a battle I probably will never live down. It is one I will never forget as I look into the eyes of my soon-to-arrive little boy. It is one my husband will have to always remember as the issue I finally let go and let God. It is one you probably will never understand. It is one I cannot fully explain because it was solely of the Lord.

You see, a little over two years ago, my soon-to-be husband and I sat down in a pair of rocking chairs and planned our lives together. We knew it was what the Lord wanted, so we wasted no time in deciding where to live, what our future would be like, and even how we would name our children. We had it all figured out, except the part about the "we." "We" then did not fully include the Lord. "We" had made our own plans without asking HIM first.

Fast forward to about thirty-eight weeks ago, Brian and I learned we were pregnant. We talked about that evening in the rocking chairs and were excited because we knew what this child's name would be whether it was a boy or a girl. See, there is that "we" word again. We quickly discovered we would be having a boy, and Elijah Thomas was the name we had planned on. We loved Elijah and couldn't wait to share him and HIS NAME with everyone, and "we" didn't. Everyone, even now in this moment, knows our child as "Elijah," all except for one person...

Then, that one person made it very clear to my husband four weeks ago that this child his wife was carrying was NOT "Elijah." He was to be named a specific name that the Lord would give him. God burdened Brian for four weeks, and thus, I fought him over it for twenty-eight days or more. I could not comprehend why my child's name had to be changed and why the Lord wouldn't explain it to me. Oh, but you know, He did.

My husband and I struggled over the decision to change this baby's name. Something so small had become so big in our home, in our marriage, in our relationships with our Lord, and it hurt. We both cried over "Elijah," though it was just a name, it was the name "we" had chosen for him. I grieved. Literally, I ruined two pairs of contacts, wasted a whole box of tissues, and scared my mother half to death. I pushed my husband away, became angry with the Lord, and had no intention of doing what both Brian and God were asking us to do.

Learning to give in, let go, and understand God's purpose are much more important than anything you will ever do. I had to realize what the truth was in this situation the Lord was creating for me, and it was this simple message: he is MY child, as are you. The Lord helped me to understand that the baby's name doesn't matter, nor does his eye color or his sleeping patterns or what clothes he will be wearing. What matters is that the Lord has entrusted me with him, and the Lord is still in complete control.

When I learned life this way, I realized that God had every right to name this child. He created him. He knit him in my womb. He knows more about him than I ever will. He loves him more than I ever can. He has this child in the palm of His Hand, and I am honored that God has chosen this lesson for me.

So, the next time you get so set on something that you are willing to bring out your harsh words and clenched fists... The next time you think you are so right that you are willing to let go of a friend... The next time you are in the middle of learning life the hard way... Just remember that God knows what is best. He completely has your best interests in mind. Be willing to let go and let Him have His way... Besides, the worst thing that could happen, if you are like me, is Him choosing your child and giving him a BRAND, NEW NAME.

We'll share it with you when he arrives...

Counting Down...

Be anxious for nothing...
Philippians 4:6

I can remember counting down the days until my sixteenth birthday; I could not wait to FINALLY see what car my daddy had chosen for me. I vividly recall marking down the days until high school graduation; I had bought my dress a little over 2 months before that night in complete excitement. I even laugh when I think back to waiting ever so impatiently for my two-month engagement to move quickly on to the wedding day; I was so pumped to wear that dress, marry that man, and live happily ever after.

Even with all of the excitement when countdowns begin, I have the hardest time being patient. I actually noticed today that I have been pregnant for 260 days. Let me make that clear, TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY DAYS. That's progressively close to a year, and yet, all of this waiting, no matter how amazing the outcome, has been incredibly difficult on me.

Why is it that waiting for good things becomes such a tremendous task? Why is it that we begin to complain when the days do not go swiftly by? Why is it that patience is such a tough virtue to obtain?

I have learned that the waiting is only preparing me for what lies ahead. I imagine that once I hold this little miracle in my arms for the first time, that I will forget about the tirelessly, miserable days of waiting I have endured. I want to be able to enjoy the counting down. I want to remember these days for the rest of my life. I want to know that I was absolutely enthralled by the gift God was about to give me.

I cannot tell you how long I waited for that first car. It would take days for me to even remember what the last days of high school were like. It is hard for me to look back in detail on what all I experienced that beautiful March day in 2007 when I married my best friend. I imagine that once this countdown ends and Elijah is here, I will have forgotten about these last days of pregnancy I have come to dread.

God has prepared this time just for me. The countdown has only just begun. The Lord has so much more in store for me. How patient will I be to wait on His blessings? I'm not sure. But I'm ready, and I am so excited to share all of it with you.

Just 20 days from him,
Jenna

My Heart Aches for You...

Oh, how I wish you were with me today. As I worried over myself with the aches and pains of pregnancy, I didn't think of you today as I should have. I didn't worry over you, and the thought of you didn't hurt me as it used to. I didn't speak your name, and now, it hurts because I didn't.

I want to say it now. I would shout it from the rooftop if I knew it would help. It doesn't. Each time I think of you, it makes me extremely proud. I am so thankful that you were mine; if only for a few short weeks, you truly were mine. I cannot be saddened when I think of you now. I am so happy for you, and there are times when I long to be with you.

It's not time yet. I have to be here. I have the great opportunity of being pregnant and being married to a man I know you would have loved. I am learning each day that God is completely in control, and having realized that, I was able to deal with you being gone.

I imagine you walking down the streets of Heaven today. You would be five months old today if the Lord would have allowed me to carry you, but it was a year ago today that we learned your heart had never beat inside my womb. I lost you one year ago today...

Oh, Ethan Caleb, how I miss you and how proud of you I am. I am sorry for each day that goes by and I don't say your sweet name. I am sorry you will never meet your brother, Elijah Thomas. I am so sorry that you aren't here with us, but I'll never forget how much better off you really are.

My heart hurts sometimes when I am asked if the child I am carrying now is our first, and my immediate reaction is, "Yes." You see, it aches because Elijah isn't our first. You are my first. You are the one I wanted to hold first. You are the one I longed for and the one my heart begged the Lord for, and yet the Lord took you straight into His arms. At first, that was hard for your mommy and daddy to understand, but now, it fills our hearts with complete joy. It makes Heaven so much sweeter knowing you are there waiting for us...

I wish you were here, Ethan. I wish I could hold you. I wish I knew your face. I wish it was easier than it is. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth... The truth is that your Father, the one you are with right now, loves you more than I do. He considered you absolutely perfect and decided He wanted you with Him. Do you know how special you are? Do you know that you are thought of and missed so very much? When I say my heart aches, it isn't bad, sweet baby. It aches to be in Heaven with you.

No Fear in Love

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.
1 John 4:18

The amount of love I hold for a child who is not yet born is sometimes frightening. I find myself in deep thought, imagining what he will look like and who he will favor. I get caught up in the fact that his ultrasound pictures give the impression that his nose looks like mine, and from becoming obessive over his daily patterns, I have no doubt that he will be as energetic and playful as his father is. I have realized though that this child isn't exactly mine, and I'm not guaranteed one day with him.

Yet, I can remember being a little girl and loving my father in a similar way. I looked forward to his walking through the door each evening, and I loved hearing other people tell me that I looked just like my daddy. I was so wrapped up in the things he said to me, and his approval meant more to me than anything anyone could say. Unfortunately, there were days when his words cut like a knife, and his punishment left my heart aching.

How is it that we will love so much when we have been made to believe that love sometimes fails us? I can recall times when love actually hurt. From middle school relationships to losing loved ones, there were moments in my life when I thought love was not love at all. It was an emotion that caused pain, and it had the possibility of tearing the deepest parts of me apart. With that pain in mind, I often steered clear of love. I hid myself and my heart from being loved. I knew what love had the capability of doing.

That's until I truly learned what love was. I cannot remember exactly when it happened, but a lifetime of major events have occurred to help me see where and WHO love comes from. It happened when I bowed at an altar as a ten-year-old girl and again, when I looked into the eyes of a young preacher that God had intended for me to marry. It happened when my father led me down the aisle and gave me away, and it showed up when I saw my child's beating heart on an ultrasound screen. They are things that happen often in day to day lives, but the magnitude of each act of love was the foreshadowing of a love much greater than I could ever give.

It came from a Father who accepted me as His own. It came from a God that wanted me to be loved. It came from a Father who gave her daddy the grace to let go. It came from a God that was beautifully knitting a child in the womb. That same Father had allowed His own Son to be sacrificed. He had watched as His Son cried out to Him on the cross. He had felt the pain of love in ways I could never comprehend. Yet that same Father understood when my heart was broken and was afraid to love. He allowed me to love without fear. He taught me that true love really was unconditional, and no amount of pain can keep me from loving others as He loved me.

Sometimes love gets the best of us. It often brings out the worst in us. It causes us to do things we would not ordinarily do. It can lead to pain and brokenness. But that is not what God intended. He wanted us to see what love truly was... From birth to His death, Jesus was (and is) love, and because of Him, we can learn to love as we should.

I look back on those days of admiring my daddy and look forward to loving a child of my own, and now I see that it is through Christ that I was and am able to do that at all. God used my father as a means of teaching me to love Him, and He is teaching me how to love a child that is His own. Love isn't supposed to be overwhelming or frightening; it should be a gift that God has given us, and we should learn to do so as He would.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I Saw You Today...

Sweet boy,

I have dreamed of you. I have both seen your face and heard your cries in my sleep. I have imagined how you might smell and what color your hair will be. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.

Yet I feared the worse. After losing your brother just weeks after he was conceived, I worried that the same might happen to you. I have held my breath for weeks as you continued to grow. I have thought that maybe I wouldn't be able to hold you because God had decided to take your brother.

Oh, how I have prayed that you are okay. I have pictured your eyes and the color they might be. I have heard your strong heartbeat and cried tears of joy when I felt your first kick. I cannot help but laugh at each hiccup because I know you are doing well. Every time you are awake, I think of how it will be when you are finally here... in our arms.

Your daddy and I cannot wait to meet you. We plan to teach you about God and how amazing He is. We want to tell you how your Lord loves you and how He has given you the breath you will someday take. We want you to understand that though we are your parents, it is God who is your Father. He loves you more than we ever could, yet we are going to attempt to care for you the way He would intend.

Elijah, it was today that I learned that you are perfect. Yes, the doctor says you have fluid around your kidneys, and that it may cause problems. I will not fear; my Father is busy knitting you inside of me. He is molding you into a wonderful child of His own. He sees you as a jewel; He even thinks more of you than the flowers you will someday smell.

As we watched you squirm and wiggle your way through your little world, I saw how amazing you truly are. I saw your hands and toes. I saw your arms and legs. I saw your eyes open and then close. I saw you, and your little face looked just like mine. That is a miracle, baby boy; you are a miracle. No matter what comes our way, little one, in my eyes, you will always be a perfect baby that is fearfully and wonderfully made by my God.

Please know that your mommy and daddy love you so much. We are so blessed to even have the opportunity to anticipate your arrival. Be it April 13 or 24 (because the doctors are not sure with as big of a baby as you are already), we cannot wait to hold you in our arms. But, if by chance, we do not get to meet face to similar face, we will look forward to holding you when we get to Heaven with you. Like I said before, as much as we love you, there is someone who loves you so much more. It is because of Him that I saw YOU today.

With all of my love,
Mommy


My precious, Elijah Thomas at 28 Weeks

Going Public

I'll admit that my feelings get upset when people mention how big I am to have 12 weeks left of pregnancy. I'll even tell you that it drives me crazy to be hugged right now because I feel smothered. I will say that the strong, little kicks this boy has been putting out often hurt. But nothing, and I mean nothing, bothers me the way hearing, "Are there 8 in there?" does.

I am a HUGE lover of children. I think every baby is a gift from God, even the ones that are miscarried and those who are still "embryos." I don't like abortion AT ALL and will never support its legalization. I really feel as though we live in a world that thinks children are just a bi-product of life, and they are expected to live in conditions that would have been totally unacceptable for us to do ten years ago.

However, I honestly am ill at the way we've made "The Octuplets" such a news story. Yes, it's a miracle. Yes, it's amazing. Yes, only God could have allowed that to happen. Yet, I'm fully aware that God has never intended for a woman's body to carry eight children. Did it happen in the Bible? I think not. Does it happen naturally? Not exactly. There are women all over this world attempting what this mother did. That's not mine to judge or discuss; however, it does bother me that there are families pleading for just ONE... She has 14.

I am offended when people claim that I must have eight inside of me. Oh, you don't know how I wish I could mother eight children, but after miscarrying and seeing friends deal with infertility, I am completely thrilled with the one the Lord has given US. I say "US" because this mother of 8 is single. She has 6 other children. She lives with her mother. She needs governmental and volunteer aid to raise these children.

Though the media would say that this is some sort of spectacle we must all watch and see unfold, I have to disagree. They are giving children and adults alike the idea that it is "okay" to have 14 children without a husband and expect the world to help you raise them. That is NOT okay. When I have friends who would do anything to have just ONE CHILD of their own, who are fully capable of caring for and providing the needs of that child, who are more than willing to do anything just for a baby, I have a problem with the idea of a woman being medically enhanced to have more children when she already had six. She must have known she would get help. She must have realized that Oprah would want to pay her millions to simply appear on her show. She must have thought that 6 children weren't enough for her to care for, and with that in mind, these other 8 children will be a public phenomenon for the rest of their lives. It's a shame...

The Lord loves children. Read His Word, and you'll see the importance He places on them. I have no doubt that He loves those octuplets with more love than I can imagine. However, I don't believe that God loves this situation. He has morals He expects for this world, and when He looks down and sees all of this, can you imagine what He feels?

I believe I can.

I'm disgusted. I'm apalled. I'm angered. I'm saddened by the world I live in. And be it, eight or a single one, I believe that God has better plans for the children He sends us than the lives we're giving them. I know it's going public, it's all over the news, and I promised this blog wouldn't be a political one. Again, I say, it's not. It's strictly the point of view from a Christian who cares about where this country is headed, and I can't help but go public.

This Road I'm On... (Birthdays Come and Go)

Like the cars I have driven and places I have traveled, it seems like things are really different this year. When I look back at where I was last year on my twenty-fifth birthday, I realize that God was just preparing me for the year ahead. From being pregnant with my first child not knowing I'd lose it and making school my first priority unaware I would be leaving it, God was just getting me ready for the road ahead. I was naive and expected everything to simply fall into the seat beside me. That's not exactly what He had in store for my journey.

God has made clear His path for me. I know exactly where I am supposed to be on this birthday. Yes, I have lost a child, left a job, longed for a Master's degree, and questioned whether I had any faith at all. That's what all happened in this past year. God makes things so uncertain, yet His directions are so easy to read. It's just I never really took the time to read them. Last year, I would just set out on any trip I pleased without once looking at what may be in front of me.

Here I am, twenty-six years old today, and I have learned that the road I was on isn't the same as the road I'm headed down now. My life is focused on the things it should be. I'm not concerned about a career, furthering it, or even worried about my faith. I have no choice but to put complete trust in the Lord at this point. Everything is different now. I am again pregnant, yet this time around, I actually know that my baby boy is living and kicking. I stay at home, only because the Lord has allowed me to do so. I read His word, and I see His face in every situation I face. This journey is worth all I have.

I'm thankful that I'm not always in the driver's seat. Sometimes, it is an amazing feeling to simply be a passenger and allow God to take the wheel. He's led me every mile thus far, and I have no doubt that He's continuing to do so now... Birthdays, they come and go, but my God, He is forever.

Twenty-Six

Twenty-six years ago this week, my mother had little idea that I was breech. She went for her last appointment with the doctor before having me, and looking back, she realizes now that the doctor was actually feeling my rear end instead of my head. She was nine months pregnant with her first child, yet she had no idea the seriousness of what was at stake.

Twenty-six years ago next week, when my parents arrived at the hospital, my mom was surprised when the doctor told her that she needed to deliver C-section. Turns out that there was no other option, and because of the position I was in, my hip was dislocated. For six months following my birth, I wore a brace to ensure that my hip would heal correctly.

Twenty-six weeks today, and I cannot imagine what this tiny being within me is like. I cannot fathom what his facial expressions might be or what bothers him within the womb. I cannot help him when he's uncomfortable, and I cannot soothe him the way I wish I could just yet. Oh, I feel his kicks, turns, and swirls, and I cannot understand why God would bless me this much.

Next week I'll be turning twenty-six years old, and I'll be twenty-six weeks along in my second pregnancy with my first known son. It's unreal to me. It is truly awe-inspiring. There are moments, like my mother, in which I wish I knew what was taking place within. As I've endured the loss of the first pregnancy, I have learned that I love not knowing. For if I did, my emotions would overwhelm me and I wouldn't enjoy this the way I am. I am blessed. I am incredibly blessed.

Worrying Gets the Best of Me...

I'm getting anxious. Really anxious. I worry over every quiet moment when I cannot feel this baby moving, and I worry when he is... I feel our tiny boy's kicks, and I get the most overwhelming feeling that I'm not prepared for what the Lord's about to do in my life. Yet at the same time, I know that the Lord has equipped me for this time and this place, and He's allowing me this opportunity. However, I cannot help but be nervous over all of this.

I've been in this position before. Not the one where I have only 14 weeks left until I give birth, but the one in which I am ridiculously overwhelmed with a certain situation. It happened just about a year ago. With all the determination in the world of a child following her Daddy, I went to my principal and told him I would not be returning in the fall. Doesn't seem like a big deal when I say it that simply, but the months and weeks beforehand were nothing small.

I struggled with a burden for 6 months. For 6 months, beginning in July of 2007, I questioned what God was telling me. I doubted Him when He made me to feel as a stranger in my own classroom. I was confused at why every time I moved my room around, it never satisfied me. It wasn't until January of 2008 that I really believed Him. It took a positive pregnancy test for me to see that God wanted me to stay at home. Then the walls came down, and I realized I was wrong in February when we lost the baby. I couldn't understand why the burden to leave still remained.

That same month, as I had been evaluated while teaching, a dear woman from the Board of Education told me that maybe this wasn't where I needed to be. I couldn't believe she was inviting me to leave teaching. Yet the Lord had been doing so for 6 months, and I still wouldn't listen to Him. That is, until this woman spoke to me for Him. I saw Him looking at me through her beautiful brown eyes, and I knew what I needed to do.

I anticipated telling my principal, but I was so worried about it, I would ball up everytime I saw him coming down the hall. I was frightened to take such a huge leap of faith. I avoided him for almost 3 weeks though I knew what I had to do. I remember I was an emotional mess at the time, and most people walked on eggshells around me due to my fragile demeanor over losing my child. The idea of having to waltz into the principal's office and explain why I'm not coming back terrified me.

With all the anxiety in the world, I remember knocking on his door in March 2008. I remember sitting down uncomfortably and shaking uncontrollably. Yet when the words came, they were so easy. Like something I had rehearsed, the Lord just put my resignation in my lap. He gave me what it was I needed to say. I remember mentioning that the Lord wanted me to leave, and I didn't want to question Him. I also recall my principal saying that he respected me for doing so. It was an honor, and all of the worry just melted away...

I imagine it won't be that simple this time around. It is a child I'm anxious over this time and not just a job. I worry that I won't know how to feed him or love him or even teach him right from wrong. I worry that the labor will be too much or that I won't realize it's time to go to the hospital. I worry that my marriage may suffer at learning how to love both a baby and a husband. Worried, that's what I am.

At the same time, I'm completely humbled because I know that IT IS THE LORD who leads me. I know that He will give me the strength to carry this child. I know He'll give me the words to speak as I teach this child about Him. I know that He'll encourage me to love as I should, and He will give me all that I need when the time is right. Why worry?!

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:33-34

Sometimes, it just gets the best of me. Without a job, without a church home, and with a baby on his way, I cannot help but question God's reasoning. But, as my husband once told me before we were married, "Worry is a lack of faith." I'll be honest, my faith surely isn't my strong point, yet with every kick, every prayer being raised, and every check in the mail, I realize that God truly is in control. He's begging me to stop worrying and start anticipating... It is what He has given me: a time for every situation under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1). It's my time to let go and really LET GOD.