From This Point Forward...

We met with Samuel's neurosurgeon this morning after learning two weeks ago today that he has a Type 1 Chiari Malformation and a Pineal Gland Cyst.  His symptoms began in January with headaches and have since progressed this month to dizziness, nausea, tingling/numbness in hands and feet, itching, weakness, etc.  After a spine MRI on March 13th, we were to learn the results.

Thankfully, Samuel's spinal cord is normal and has not been affected by the malformation in his brain!  There has been no tethering or appearance of cysts.  

From this point, we will continue to monitor and journal his symptoms over the next six weeks to provide the neurosurgeon the data needed to determine whether a Chiari decompression surgery is needed in Samuel's case. 

In the meantime, we will visit a ophthalmologist and neurologist to see if they can provide further details or answers regarding Samuel's symptoms.  We will meet back with the neurosurgeon in six weeks.  Pray for continued grace through the daily struggle, adequate rest, and wisdom as we schedule appointments, log his symptoms, and determine whether surgery is needed at this time.

We will communicate from this point forward on this blog to keep you updated and provide you with specific ways on how you can pray for our family.

Please respect that we are shepherding our children through this process and ask that you refrain from speaking about it to them.

http://jennarjohnson.blogspot.com/2015/03/seeing-through-suffering.html

Seeing through Suffering

On Monday, March 9th, we took Samuel into Vanderbilt Children's Hospital for a sedated MRI of his brain.  He has been complaining of headaches since late January, and after experiencing other symptoms of nausea and dizziness, though these could signal a sinus infection or migraines, our pediatrician saw signs of neither.  After his exam, he felt it best that Samuel have this test done.  We were expecting the results but not as quickly as we received them.

On Tuesday, the next day, our pediatrician relayed the news that Samuel, in fact, had two abnormalities on his MRI.  We were informed of them and waited for our next call.

On Wednesday, we heard from the neurosurgeon nurse practitioner who explained the MRI results and gave more details about what we would do from this point.  We were to begin taking detailed notes of Samuel's symptoms, and he would be having an MRI of his spine two days later.  She also informed us that Samuel would meet with his neurosurgeon on Monday, March 23rd.  The seriousness of the situation began to sink in.

On Friday, Samuel had a sedated MRI of his spine.  He handled it all very well, considering how challenging it must be for a four-year-old to process.

Over the next week, we continued to journal Samuel's symptoms, and they progressively worsened. From dizziness and itching to tingling hands and numb feet, he went from what we thought was perfectly fine in December to having difficulty holding his toothbrush and using his scissors in March. There have been moments when he is unable to stand because his feet are numb and nights when he cannot sleep well because his head aches so fiercely.  He appears fine to most, but there were definite changes... and we saw them.

Do you know what we also saw?!

We saw God open doors miraculously.  We saw Him take care of our son when we felt unable at times.  We saw friends love us through calls, texts, and meals.  We saw the church pray, and we FELT it.  We saw the Word come to life.  We saw the importance of staying IN the Word and filling our hearts and minds with truth from it.  We saw how necessary it was to love each other.  We saw the need for being thankful for what we have.

It hasn't been easy, but I KNOW that God didn't make mistakes when He made this precious boy of ours.  The doctors say he has a Type 1 Chiari Malformation which is a brain defect, and he also has a cyst on his pineal gland.  Both of these are making it difficult for spinal fluid to flow freely and putting pressure on his brain.  Although we are, I know that God isn't surprised by these.  God still has a plan to receive glory through this situation with Samuel, and we are praying to that end.

We will communicate from this point forward on this blog to keep you updated and provide you with specific ways on how you can pray for our family.

Please respect that we are shepherding our children through this process and ask that you refrain from speaking about it to them.

The Kind of Son I Hope to Have

I have imagined for eight, long months what my son will be like. I have envisioned his smile, pictured his nose, imagined his hair, and thought about his character. I have learned that he is a night owl and does not enjoy sitting still. He has energy like no one I know, and he is big, healthy, and strong. That is about all I know. However, I cannot help but wonder what he will really be like when he arrives. I cannot fathom what he may be like as a little boy running around in the backyard with his daddy, and I cannot wait to see, if the Lord allows, what he'll be when he grows up to be an adult. But this past week, I was honored to watch a young man be the kind of son I hope to one day have.

He was handsome. He dressed in his brightly-colored shirts and ties, and he stood tall in front of a group of innumerous people. He smiled with grace and dignity. His piercing, blue eyes, filled with tears as he often looked straight into mine.

He believed in prayer. He began sending emails as soon as he received the call that his 48-year-old mother had passed. He knew that the only things he truly needed were the prayers of saints and his heavenly Father. He stopped often throughout the week to pray; it was so encouraging and humbling to see his love for God.

He laughed wholeheartedly. He told stories of days past and recollected on the many memories with his mom. He joked about her quirky attitude and her stubborn ways. He grinned as he found things she had kept for years that he had given her.

He wept. I don't know many who didn't, but as he preached his mother's funeral, tears welled up in his eyes. He wasn't just crying because she was gone, he was devastated over all the lost family members in the chapel. He wasn't afraid to grieve or to show that he loved her by the teardrops streaming down his face.

He was strong. Oh, I cannot explain this fully, but imagine having just lost your grandfather, a baby, and father in less than two years and facing the death of your mother as well. He was so amazing in her absence. He held his sister, and he brought loving words to each of the 400+ people who entered the funeral home doors.

He remembered it all. He wore bright colors because his mother always loved them. He wanted the room filled with beautiful arrangements because she adored them. He asked for certain songs and particular people to be included in the funeral on her behalf. He recollected her favorite foods, endearing ways, and fascinating personality. It was if he hadn't forgotten a single day he'd had with her.

I wish I could spend days explaining how this man is exactly how I hope my soon-to-arrive son is, but I pray this is enough:

Elijah, when you find yourself looking for someone to be like or a person to model your life after, choose Jesus, and if that's too hard to do, sweet boy, look no further than your daddy. He'll lead you to Jesus, and he'll make sure you see who He longs to be like, his Lord. He loves you more than you know, and He longs to see you saved. Yes, your daddy is exactly the kind of son I hope you are, and I know his momma was proud to have.


In Memory of Brian's Momma and Elijah's Nana,
Cindy J. Johnson
April 9, 1960 - March 9, 2009

Completely and Utterly Honest

Can I be completely honest with you? Is it alright if I pour my heart out to you and let you know how I truly feel? Will you think less of me if I tell you how I am struggling? How would you view me if you really knew the person I am?

I have always found a way of being open. You can read my emotions like a book because I often wear my heart on my sleeves. It is easy to tell what I am thinking. It is usually written all over my face. Until recently, I have lived this way, with no fear in my mind that my open heart would ever be broken.

But it is. It is not like me to want to tell the honest truth. Though I am willing to pour my thoughts and ideas out into the air so that all will know them, I never like admitting that I am hurt or disappointed or completely and honestly overwhelmed.

You are probably thinking that it is because I am pregnant and my hormones are raging, but it isn't. It is the fact that I have allowed my faith to become so weak that the devil has been able to creep right into my home and steal my joy. He has found his way into my checkbook, into my head, and more so, into my life. He's in every bill I receive, every comment that someone makes, every open position I see posted online. The worst part is that I realize he's there, yet I cannot do anything to stop him.

You see, it wasn't long ago that God allowed my husband and me to miscarry, quit a teaching position, resign from a church, lose our grandparents and his father to death, and learn to lean completely on Him. It all began in July of 2007, just 3 months after we had gotten married. Some saw this as the Lord proving to us that we shouldn't have wed; we saw it as an opportunity for God to prove Himself. And He has. Truly, He has.

But there comes a point when the trials become overwhelming and they seem too difficult to carry. You wonder why God has chosen you for these battles, and it seems as if the hardships continue to come your way. I'm there. I have started wondering why God has chosen me. Why has He decided that my family must endure such trying times and desperate situations?

I have never been here before. I am even confused if whether or not the Lord hears me anymore. I have never felt so alone in all of my life. I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, and I'm not begging for help. I'm simply at a place that I know many have experienced.

Whether or not I'm questioning God and where He is isn't the point... The point is that I know you are hurting too. Maybe you aren't willing to say it publicly or even admit it to yourself, but I realize now that people are longing to be loved by a Heavenly Father that they feel isn't showing up. I am so there. He says in His Word that we will have troubles, but to cheer up because He has overcome the world. I don't know about you, but I need Him to overcome my life and the hold that the devil has on it. I need to see Him when I open my inbox or read my Bible. I need to know that He's working on the other end. I need to know that He's hearing my prayers and to help me understand when I don't get the answers I want or think I need. I've never experienced the humility I am facing now. But as humbly as I can, I want you to know that I am hurting. Just like you. I know your pains may be different than mine, but to Christ, they are much the same. He's willing to come through for us... And honestly, I wish that moment was now.