In Awe

He is perfect.  Seriously.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how God knits our children within our wombs and knows exactly how to fashion them for us.  With and after each pregnancy I have endured, I become more in awe of God and His ability to create to perfection. 

When Daniel was born, after months of ultrasounds for high kidney fluid levels, we learned that the fluid was gone.  This, of course, was amazing to his doctors (and us), but NOT to his God.  When Samuel was born at 38 weeks instead of when he had tried to come at 33 and on his big brother's first birthday, he was healthy and thriving.  We feared the trama of pre-term labor may have effected him, but there is no fear in God.  When Elias was born, his ambilical cord was wrapped around his neck.  His purple tint was alarming to my husband, but NOT to my God. 

Years of miscarriages and healthy babies have taught me that life is not in my hands.  I have realized that it is not my responsibility to worry or fear over what could happen or what might have been.  God is constantly working out all things for our good if we love Him (Romans 8:28). 

Had you asked me 4 years ago what good came out of my first miscarriage, I would have said, "Nothing."  However, today, I can see the good, and its name is Daniel.  Had I never miscarried, I would have never had Daniel.  I cannot fathom not having this rambunctious, determined, intelligent boy in my life. 

Had you asked me what good came out of getting pregnant when my firstborn was only 3 months old, I would have told you then that it wasn't.  However, today, I see the face of my sweet Samuel, and I understand why God gave him to us so quickly.  He teaches us to love deeper.  He shows us how to laugh harder.  He makes us feel special by just being in his presence because he cares for us that much.

Ask me what good came out of my fourth pregnancy, and I can tell you that miscarrying wasn't easy or good.  It broke my heart but it allowed me to appreciate my two living children in ways I cannot explain.  I looked at heaven differently as well...  I began looking forward to it instead of being afraid to die.

Just recently, I've heard the phrases, "This oughta be good," and "How will you handle it?" in reference to being pregnant again (fifth child) with two toddlers at home.  I'll tell you now that then I responded with, "It's going to be hard," and "I don't know what God was thinking."  Today, I'm seeing so much more of God in my full house.  I will say that it is difficult and I still don't know exactly why God allowed me to have another child so quickly, but I won't question what God has given me. 

My heart is so overwhelmed with joy that I cannot put it into words.  These are HIS plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and I certainly believe they are far better than any I could have made for myself.  Looking around at my blessings today reminded me just how awestruck I am over my God.  He is far too good to me, and yes, He and His plans are absolutely perfect.

The big brothers welcome baby Elias home.

Daniel is quite thrilled when holding Elias.

Samuel loves to give his baby brother kisses.

My Three Sons :)

I wanna give it to him, Momma.

Laying in the floor together.

Sharing a sweet moment together.

Look at my rockets, Elias!

Sticker time at the table,

and yes, Elias had to join in.

Delightfully Different

It's been pointed out to me more than once today that next week everything will be different.  Oh, how I long for different!  I've become more and more overwhelmed excited that there will be three little ones dwelling within our four walls in the last few days.  Maybe because I'm ready to stop having heartburn or that I'm anxious to sleep comfortably again even if for only a few, short hours...  Either way, I cannot wait to see what God has in store.

It's hard to imagine change when it hasn't happened yet.  I cannot put into words how many times I've thought about the upcoming arrival and wondered how it would effect our family.  I've worried over Daniel and Samuel's reactions, and I have even tried thinking of ways to manage it all.  But, honestly, what do I know?!  There's not much that's certain right now...  yet I know that my Lord has chosen us for such a time as this.  He's allowed me to carry this child to 39+ weeks (who would have thought?!), and He'll carry me through whatever it is that lies ahead.

I'm delighted to see the work of God's hands.  I've been looking into my boys' faces so much differently this week as we anticipate the birth of this, our third son.  I have seen how wonderfully God designed Daniel and Samuel and how amazingly different each of them is.  However, I've noticed how much they resemble Brian and me,  how their personalities reflect our good qualities and our not-so-flattering traits, and how God intended us to be their parents.  What will this boy be like?  Who will he favor?  Will he be rambunctious like Daniel or timid like Samuel?  Will he have Mommy's nose like the other two boys or will he have Daddy's stature?  It's all so thrilling when I think next week will be different, Lord willing, and I will have another God-given face to view.

Next week.  We cannot wait to see you.

Things I'm Getting Good at Repeating

• Lord, if this baby could just come today...
• It is so hot in here.
• Did you turn off the air?
• Daniel, stay out of the refrigerator.
• You cannot have another snack.  You've already had 4.
• Daniel, where does pee-pee go?  
• Son, please hurry up.
• We are late, that's why.
• Because I said so, that's why.
• Come here.
• Stay out of the closet!
• This is your warning, Daniel.  
• Samuel, a bowl is the same as a (ziploc) bag.  Just eat your snack.
• You are not eating anymore _____.  Your belly is going to be sick!
• Whoa, be easy!
• Get OFF of him!
• Keep your hands to yourself.
• Take your shoes off.  We aren't going anywhere.
• Baby, I'm sorry.  We cannot go shopping at Target today.
• I'm sorry, sweetie.  I can't take you to Chicken Lay again today.
• You are NOT sick.  You do NOT need to go to the doctor.
• A sucker is the last thing you need.
• Those are Samuel's shorts.  Why are YOU wearing them?
• Mommy's sorry for being too tired for Play-doh.
• Please do NOT make a mess with that.
• I can't take you outside right now.  Maybe when Mommy's not so big...
• Three boys?  Lord, how in the world?!

It's quite obvious from my most-used phrases lately that life is a bit hectic and overwhelming.  It could be that I am nine months pregnant and hormonal, but I am beginning to realize that there are only a few days left before this baby comes and I'll no longer be a mother of two.  It's hard to imagine how life could change any more than it already does on a constant basis, but I know that God has great plans for our family.  I'm excited to see what's in store.  While my current position is challenging at times, I don't want to take one crazy, frustrated, wild moment for granted.  I am so blessed.  I really, really am.

Waiting on You

For eight months, I have waited on you.  I've envisioned what you have in store for me.  I've pictured the gift that is to come.  I've imagined holding this baby in my arms while frantically taking care of our other two boys.  I have endured the kicks, scrapes, and emotions along the way, and yet, here I am, still waiting on you. 

There are many things I've waited on in my mere 29 years.  I've waited to lose my first tooth, receive my first kiss, and drive my first car.  I waited not-so-patiently for the man I was to marry to be revealed to me.  I waited through an almost unbearable 4 months of depression after losing our first child to miscarriage to finally feel at peace.  I waited through 21 hours of labor and then 2 full hours of pushing to finally meet our firstborn son.  I waited through 8 days of magnesium, 10 days of bed rest, and 2 more weeks for our second son to arrive healthy and full term.  More recently, I have waited in the children's ER for the doctors to put a cast on my toddler's broken leg.  To be honest, I've waited on people, children, flights, phone calls, and a number of other things, but in all my years, I have learned that there is nothing more difficult to wait upon than the Lord.

Yet, it is my pleasure to do so.  Had I not waited on Him all those times before, I cannot fathom what a mess I would have made out of those situations.  I've been reminded today of this jewel, But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.  I have found myself waiting quite impatiently for the Lord to allow this pregnancy to come full term before His time. 

However, God's plan and timing are not to be compared or interfered with or even attempted to be changed.  He knows exactly what He has in store for me.  He knows everything about this child in my womb, and He knows when he should arrive.  It is my honor and privilege to wait for God to make His move.  He promises to give me strength to endure, and He gladly speaks sweet words of encouragement in my ears and to my heart.  That's what the verse in Isaiah 40:31 did for me today.  It allowed me to hear the voice of my Father, saying, "Just wait."

Can you imagine what He has in store for us?!  All of the things I had wanted for my life are nothing in comparison to what God has ended up blessing me with.  Are we too impatient and fast-paced in this busy life to allow God to take His time and BLESS US far above what we could ask or even think (Ephesians 3:20)?!  Today, I'm learning to be grateful and patient in this season of waiting.  What (and who) lies ahead is most definitely worth it!

Three Years Ago Today...

Three years ago today, I had no idea what was coming.  I wasn't feeling all that well, but I was 39 weeks pregnant, and honestly, no one feels that well at that point.  However, I went to church with Brian anyway that Sunday, and it was difficult.  I was breathing heavily and extremely uncomfortable.

That afternoon, I took a nap and woke feeling a lot of pain.  Immense pain.  My back was aching, and though the contractions weren't regular, I knew something wasn't right.  Throughout the evening hours, I continued experiencing contractions, but they weren't consistent and I wasn't sure what was going on. 

I suppose it was the pain that I was in that caused Brian to worry.  I was crawling on the floor and leaning over the coffee table to keep from hurting quite so badly.  I cannot remember what time it was, but he made the decision to call the doctor.  I, on the other hand, was exclaiming I wouldn't go to the hospital until my water broke.  It was not breaking despite all the pain. 

The doctor said we should go to the hospital and get checked.  The ride there was excruciating, and the thoughts of natural childbirth quickly left my mind.  I remember telling Brian while in the car, "If I am not at least at a 4 when we get there, they are going to HAVE to give me something."  To my dismay, I was only dilated to 2 when we arrived, but they decided to keep me overnight.

The next day, on April 20th, we would welcome our firstborn son, Daniel Benjamin, into the world.  However, it was a long night beforehand, and I was in labor for around 23 hours before we held Daniel in our arms. 

Looking back now, I see why God chose this amazing child for us.  He is so full of energy and life while our marriage had been filled, up until Daniel's birth, with death.  We'd lost a child to miscarriage, buried two grandparents, and wept over the losses of both of Brian's parents.  Things hadn't been easy. 

When we became pregnant with Daniel, we were ecstatic and scared.  Loss filled our minds, but peace filled our hearts.  God had given me an awesome pregnancy, with a little boy who was super busy.  In the womb, this little being moved with such fierce force.  He rarely was still.  At night, I would lie awake as he kicked and pushed with all he had.  He was determined to let me know he was there.  What a foreshadowing this was!

Three years later, I'm pregnant with Daniel's second baby brother, and while I'm enthralled to be carrying this child at this point, I'm busy reminiscing over my precious firstborn at this moment.  Daniel has been everything I never imagined I could have.  I look into his eyes and see so much of God.  I look at his face and see so much of his Daddy.  I look at his actions and see so much of myself.  He's genuinely caring and perfectly rambunctious.  He's amazingly athletic and quite intellectual.  He's ridiculously meticulous and strangely determined.  He's thrillingly in love with Jesus and reading about Him.  He's constantly in trouble and consistently learning.  He's terribly social and awesomely brave.  He's insanely frustrating at times and exactly what we need all the time. 

Oh, how blessed we are to have him!  Daniel was the answer to so many prayers...  prayers of much-needed happiness, prayers for new life, and prayers that we thought could never be answered.  Yet, here he is, one day away from turning three years old, and my heart is filled with such happiness, life, and joy because of who Daniel is and WHO allowed me to have him. 

There are days when this sweet, almost three-year-old rocks me to the core and pushes my buttons as no one else can, but today, I'm simply in love with him.  I'm deeply, truly, and madly thankful to be Daniel's mommy.  And if nothing else, I'm grateful to my God for the gift we were anticipating three years ago today.  I cannot wait to celebrate his third birthday TOMORROW!

Seatbelts

There's a certain kind of contraction that scares me...  Had a sweet friend not warned me before having Samuel about the "seatbelt" contraction, I would have never even realized I was in labor.  They didn't hurt all that bad with Samuel.  In fact, when I went into the hospital after having this feeling of a seatbelt tightening around my lower waist for about an hour every two minutes, I had already dilated to a 5!  That was a bit frightening. 

This time around, I promised myself that if I had "seatbelt" contractions, I would take them seriously.  So, Friday night, during our date night, I began feeling them.  Only problem was, they really did hurt.  Painful.  Took my breath.  And, to no one's surprise, they were two minutes apart.  I really had no intentions of going to the hospital until Brian became concerned enough to call my OB.  He felt best that I head to the ER, having tested positive for chances of preterm labor earlier in the week. 

I couldn't help but be worried.  Was I going into labor already?!  1 day shy of 34 weeks, and I knew I was contracting.  Or was my own seatbelt confusing me? 

Our fears ceased when placed on the monitor and the contractions slowed.  I was grateful that they were calmed, and this sweet child had decided to stay in place for a little bit longer.  You'd think after two labors and deliveries I'd be used to this, but I rode home that night so thankful for having not known and buckled in tightly. 

33rd Week with Baby Boy #3

It's been a wild couple of weeks in this pregnancy.  It began with Samuel breaking two bones in his leg, Brian getting a bulging disc in his back, and contractions have been making themselves known...  very well.  I had a feeling that things were progressing a little too quickly, so it came as no surprise when, at my OB appointment this week, I learned I had dilated to 1.  No big deal, right?! 

I was thinking so too, until my OB decided to test me for my chances of going into preterm labor.  He said not to worry over the results because he didn't think they'd come back positive.  In fact, when I did not receive a call that afternoon from his office, I stopped worrying myself.  However, the next afternoon, the call did come that confirmed I was at a high risk (95%) of going into preterm labor. 

Wow, how that changed more than a few of my plans!  I'll be visiting the doctor every week now, getting checked and an ultrasound. 

Baby #3

He is actually Baby #5, but because in the world's eyes due to the fact that his brother and sister were miscarried, we'll stick with the number 3. 

I haven't talked about him much.  I haven't really shared some of the fun and not-so-interesting stories of this pregnancy, but as I look back over the past 31 weeks, I'm realizing this is yet another one of God's amazing miracles.  This baby made himself known around September of 2011 when I just wasn't feeling well.  I was sore and tired and I knew I needed to take a test.  Much to my surprise, two faint lines appeared over and over, after every test I took.  It was on September 11th when we realized for certain there would be another Johnson baby.

The next few weeks were hard.  I was incredibly nauseous.  I had all-day sickness and had two toddlers watching my every move.  I rarely was able to "rest" as the doctor insisted.  I craved apples (weird because I dislike apples but have craved them with all 5 of my pregnancies), yet when I ate them, they made me ill.  Smells and foods that had never bothered me before were too much for me to take, and things I thought I wanted would taste so good then would have me in the restroom for much of the night. 

I began to show around my 8th week.  I realized that we would be unable to keep this pregnancy a secret for long, and honestly, I didn't want to.  I've been the bearer of bad news with pregnancies that were never announced and ended in miscarriage, but I wanted to deeply relish in the fact that God had/has given us another child. 

Oddly enough, I was almost certain (secretly) that this baby was a girl.  My symptoms were so different than they were with the boys.  I ached in placed I didn't think I could, didn't sleep well laying down, and continued to be sick throughout my first and second trimesters.  Actually, the nausea was worse in my second trimester when things are supposed to get better.  My prediction would be put to the test during the first week of January.

Around that same time, God revealed a name for the baby to Brian.  We have a "thing" about names since God burdened Brian to change Daniel's name 5 weeks before he was born.  Since then, we've decided NOT to choose our own names, but to let God reveal them to us.  It wasn't until the day of the ultrasound when I was 21 weeks that God also gave me a name.  Ultrasound also showed us that we were definitely having another boy!

The pregnancy has flown by since then.  I've not taken pictures of my growing stomach or kept track of everything that has happened, but it's been memorable to say the least.  I've enjoyed how different this pregnancy has been.  I've been super anxious over the idea of having three children.  I sometimes find myself worrying over how I'll run errands or get sleep, but I am certain that God has a perfect plan in mind for our growing family. 

Here are a few things I don't want to forget:

• Cravings:  Green Apples, Chinese food, Cereal
• Aversions:  Any Green Vegetable, Spicy foods
• Changes in Self:  Mood Swings, Emotional Wreck, Thick Fingernails, Itchy Skin, Red Cheeks, Exhaustion, Sleeplessness
• Weight Gain:  14 lbs as of 30th Week
• Difficulties:  Sleeping, Not Being Able to Lift Daniel, Getting Over-Heated, Nausea, Heartburn, Anxiety, Saying No Because I've Had To
• Enjoyments:  Wearing Maternity Clothes, Watching Daniel's Face When He Feels His Brother Move, People's Reaction to Our Growing Family, Waiting On Baby's Name
• Times to Remember:  Revealing the Gender via Cakeball Cookies, When Daniel Went through a Phase of Wanting to Call Him BABY JESUS, Hearing Samuel Say What Could Be the Baby's Name

Other Memorable Moments Thus Far:

• 4th Week (September):  Sick and Tired - exhaustion leads to a positive pregnancy test or two
• 9th Week - (October):  Shared the News - after first appointment, we told family members and close friends about the pregnancy
• 11th Week:  Popcorn - began feeling baby movements but wasn't sure...
• 12th Week (November):  Making It Public - In a Facebook update on thankfulness, I mentioned for the first time the pregnancy, but very few people seemed to catch on.  It read, I am thankful for God's gracious gifts of two children to raise, two to look forward to meeting in Heaven, and one on its way!
• 18th Week (December):  Braxton Hicks Contractions - early tightness considered normal with third pregnancy
• 20th Week (January):  Secret Revealed? - announcement that I'm 20 wks on Facebook gets MANY questions and congrats
• 21st Week (January):  It's a Boy - ultrasound easily reveals gender
• 23rd Week (January):  ER Visit - difficulty breathing + chest pain + lots of testing = bronchitis
• 24th Week (January/February):  Asthmatic Bronchitis - worsened symptoms meant more antibiotics, steroids, and breathing treatments
• 26th Week (February):  Super Nauseous - heartburn makes for miserable meals
• 27th Week (February):  Big Meets Baby - Daniel feels his baby brother's kicks
• 28th Week (February):  Baby Needs a Name - Daniel and Samuel, when asked to choose between the two names God has given Brian and me, always say a certain one... 
• 29th Week (March):  Heat Wave - strange warm weather makes me one hot momma
• 30th Week (March):  Nesting - nervous over the house being dirty, toys being everywhere, not having enough groceries, needing to run errands, frantically planning the older boys' birthday party for April
• 31st Week (March):  Day of Contractions - Sunday, the 18th, was a day of MANY contractions.  Woke at 6 a.m. not feeling well, and contractions soon followed.  Taking an afternoon nap and drinking a TON of water caused them to slow down.

Baby Johnson #3 Announcement

So, this was the surprise we received on Sunday, September 11th, 2011.

And, just 3 and a half months later, 

it was time to figure out a way to surprise the family

with the baby's gender.

Jenna made cookies... 

She made her guess on the baby's gender

 just a day before the big ultrasound!

 

The only reason she guessed boy was because

all of the girl cookies ended up like this... 

Jenna had thought girl all along due to such a different pregnancy.

She's been sick the entire twenty weeks thus far.

She's extremely tired and exhausted.

She's the most hormonal she's EVER been.

These were the surprises Jenna prepared for Brian and the family... 

"Boy or Girl, it will be so sweet.

To know for sure, enjoy this treat."

After the ultrasound, Jenna headed downtown

to share the gender news with Brian. 

Wearing blue for his vote, he opened his cookie to find... 

BLUE!

Baby BOY Johnson #3 will arrive on or before May 21, 2012.

And just so you know, big brothers will share their 3rd and 2nd birthdays with a joint party this year in APRIL due to the fact that brother #3 is due just two days before Samuel's birthday.

Heaven has in Store...

what thou has lost.

My sister gave me the most beautiful necklace in honor of our sweet baby.

We have received the most amazing love and support from our family and friends since losing Elisabeth Joy.  From cards and calls to dinners and visits, we have felt God's presence since the moment we realized we were pregnant and even since the devastating miscarriage.

I never even suspected it this time around.  I really didn't.  Despite my first pregnancy ending in miscarriage, I delivered two healthy babies with little to no problems, and losing this fourth child never entered my mind.  That is what peace is. 

God has comforted my heart since that first miscarriage.  Yes, I realize I have two children and a lot of prayer to thank for that in some ways, but more importantly, I have Christ to give all of the glory to.  Somehow, despite this loss, I have found it exciting imagining what all Heaven has in store for me.  I'm not ready to go by any means, but if God should decide my time has come, I actually am looking forward to Heaven a little bit more since it gained our "Joy."

Everyday since the miscarriage has been filled with such joy...  It only seems fitting that this is what God gave me to name this child.  Seriously, I have watched the two children God has given me grow and play with all the life that is within them.  They have filled my broken heart with such laughter that I cannot help but be more joyous than ever.  Life is good.  Heaven is full.  My heart is home.



Thank you for your responses regarding our loss.  You'll never know what it means for you to mention us and our children (all of them) in prayer.  Thank you for your cards, calls, visits, dinners, and love. 

Can I Share More?

I had a feeling I was pregnant when we traveled to Gatlinburg in the middle of November, but didn't know for sure until I started craving apples later in that week.  On the way home from the trip, we stopped at Dollar General and bought a test.  To our surprise, we saw a second, faint pink line appear.  It was faint, so we waited until the next morning to take another test, which proved negative.  Days later, I was still late, and got the notion to buy a digitial pregnancy test, which after reading the results, Brian and I were certain that "Pregnant" could not be mistaken.

We were shocked.  Stunned.  Silenced.  We couldn't believe the Lord was blessing us with another pregnancy.  We were so amazed that we decided to keep this pregnancy a secret until we got more information from our doctor.  I was tired over the next few weeks.  Very tired.  I didn't have any other symptom other than wanting to eat apples.  Have I mentioned I highly dislike apples?!  With both boys' pregnancies, I craved apples. 

When we went for our first appointment, we were given the due date of July 22, 2011.  We also had an ultrasound.  According to my last cycle, I should have been approximately 8-9 weeks, but the baby measured at 6 weeks and 1 day.  The doctor didn't show any cause for concern other than our dates may be off and decided it'd be best for me to come back in two weeks for a second ultrasound.  We weren't exactly worried, but we could not make the dates work in our minds.  We had actually thought that my previous cycle was a miscarriage because it was so strange, but with this new pregnancy, there was no way it could have been.  So we waited...

However, two days before my scheduled ultrasound and while visiting family in West TN, I began bleeding.  It was off and on for the next few hours, so I didn't worry too much.  I just wanted to get home.  When we left that night, my husband's aunt Christy asked if I had news to share...  I'm wishing now that I would have, but I was spotting and wasn't sure of anything.

We called the doctor the next morning and had our ultrasound that afternoon.  The news was not good.  We were, in fact, almost 11 weeks along, but the baby had passed at 6 weeks and 1 day.   I was in the process of miscarrying.  The pain was excruciating, but my heart was calm.  I was hurt and upset, but so peaceful.  I laid in bed that night crying over the loss of this child when the Lord spoke Psalm 30:5 to me, "For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  Oh, how sweet those words were to a grieving mother! 

As I waited on the Lord that night, He gave me the name, Elisabeth Joy, for our baby.  I immediately texted it to Brian as he was studying in his office across the hall, and we both cried.

The next two days were hard.  In and out of the hospital with pain and enduring the loss of what would have been our fourth child.  In February 2008, we miscarried our first, Ethan Caleb.  In April 2009, we delivered Daniel Bejamin ,who is now 20 months old.  In May 2010, we welcomed Samuel Levi, who is now 7 months old.  We would have expected Elisabeth Joy in July 2011, but God's plans were different and we look forward to meeting her one day.

It sounds difficult and my heart may seem sad, but it isn't.  My heart is full with what God has done for me.  He has seen fit to bless my husband and me with a fourth child.  We now have two babies in Heaven.  We also have two amazing babies here with us.  In all honesty, I have looked at Daniel and Samuel in a different light since losing this baby...  I've noticed how blessed I am to have them, what gifts they truly are, and when God gives us children, they are only ours to borrow.  I am excited (and scared) to share this story with you because it will be heart-breaking to some, but to others, it will be encouragement. 

God has given me these four children, whether on earth or in Heaven, as part of His story to share through me.  I want to inspire others to trust Him, take Him at His Word, and love Him for what He does and does not do.  I want to let Him shine through me be it through tragedy and loss or in joy and happiness.  I am His, and whatever I have or have been given is His to take.  What an honor to realize that through this baby...  I had to share her story.

Elisabeth Joy

Samuel Levi is here!

Samuel Levi was born on May 23rd at 5:12 pm.  He weighed 7lbs and 4oz and was 18 inches long. 

Waiting...

Visited Dr. Nason today.
Dilated to 2.
Last week was a 1.
Progress, just not enough.
37 weeks tomorrow!
Praising God for that!

Wow.

A lot can happen in a really short amount of time.

Let me give you the short end of this very fast story.

1. On Daniel's birthday, Tuesday, April 20th, I started bleeding.
2. Mind you, I was only 33 weeks, 6 days pregnant.
3. I had my regular OB appointment and ultrasound that morning.
4. Turns out I had a partial placental abruption.
5. I was monitored in Hendersonville Medical Center and given a steroid shot for the baby's lungs to mature quickly in case of an emergent delivery.
6. Because I kept bleeding, it was almost inevitable that I would have to have a C-section that day.
7. So, they transferred me to Baptist Hospital where they have a NICU.
8. I had an ultrasound there...  No more abruption.
9. I had to have another steroid shot for the baby in case he came.
10. BECAUSE, I was having contractions...  2 minutes apart. 
11. They put me on Magnesium Sulfate.
12. It has awful side effects:  hot flashes, burning sensations, flu-like symptoms, etc.
13. I had to be weaned off of it in order to go home.
14. They gave me Procardia - a pill to stop contractions.
15. It has side effects too, like it dropped my blood pressure to 60/20.
16. Within three days, I was released to go home, Friday, April 23rd, at 2:00 pm.
17. By 10 pm that same night, I was back at Baptist being monitored.
18. I had been having contractions 5 minutes apart for four hours.  Pre-term labor.
19. I was sure they'd let me deliver.
20. But, they put me BACK ON MAGNESIUM.  
21. You know, the one with the terrible side effects.
22. I cried.
23. They gave me morphine.
24. I slept.
25. By Monday, April 26th, I was sent home with no restrictions and Terbutaline to take in case contractions started back up.
26. Terbutaline makes me jittery.  Heart pounds.  Really shaky.  
27. On the following day, I was able to go back to my regular OB.
28. I was given another ultrasound.
29. Dr. Nason said he had truly seen the answers to prayer...
30. The abruption seemed to have healed itself.
31. Everything looked perfect!
32. He prayed with us.
33. He also said that if I could make it until 36 weeks, he wouldn't stop me from going into labor or from delivering! 
34. That's only 7 days away...  I'm 35 weeks pregnant today.
35. Or, if we're realistic, my due date is June 2nd.  Still, that's only 5 weeks away.
36. Wow.
37. God is good and completely in control.

B is for Birthday (or Baptist Hospital)

Well, yesterday was our little buddy's first birthday, and to be honest, we completely had an incredible week planned for Daniel.  That is, until our newest "buddy in the making" decided to give us a little scare...  But, I won't get ahead of myself.

With the best intentions, Brian and I thought it would be incredible to celebrate our children's birthdays by spelling out the word B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y.  So, pictures will follow in the days to come, but here's what Daniel did before the plans changed...

B is for BUBBLES
Monday afternoon, Aunt Jessica took Daniel out in the front yard and played with "Manely," the bubble blower.

I is for ICE CREAM
That same day, we heard the ice cream truck in the neighborhood and grabbed Daniel and went running for it.  Daniel had his first ice cream sandwich this week!  It was a "Birthday Party Sandwich."

R is for ROARING PARTY
Daniel had his lion-themed birthday party on Saturday!

T is for TRY SOMETHING NEW
Daniel tried his new sippy cup with a STRAW in it and some strawberry milk, but although he tried them, he didn't want anything to do with either of them!

However, that's as far as we got!  On the morning of Daniel's first birthday, I started bleeding...  33 weeks and 6 days pregnant and quite a scare!  Thankfully, we had our regular OB appointment, and after an emergency ultrasound, our OB decided to have the baby and me monitored on the Labor and Delivery floor there at Hendersonville.  Our doctor even warned us that if in fact the bleeding and cramping were due to a placental abruption that we would be delivering that day!  Tuesday, April 20th, DANIEL'S BIRTHDAY!

To make an awfully long day short, I'll explain what happened from there...

B is for BLEEDING
It continued.  Thus causing concern, and making Dr. Nason take some huge precautions.

I is for IN AMBULANCE
Not long after Dr. Nason spoke with a maternal specialist at Baptist, I was en route there via ambulance!

R is for RIGHT TIMING
When I arrived at Baptist, I started having contractions, lots of them, every two minutes of them...  We really thought we'd be having two birthdays on the same day...

T is for TRULY THANKFUL
However, I was put on an IV and given fluids and magnesium to stop the contractions and hydrate me.  We were then taken to get another ultrasound done, and the specialist did not see any major abruption.  He believed the bleeding was caused by my placenta, but reasons as to why cannot be explained!

H is for HOSPITAL
What we thought would be a few hours turned into a few days...  We are under control at this point with the Magnesium slowing down contractions and Procardia keeping the uterus from doing so as well.  Baby boy looks great - his heartbeat is holding strong and he's moving around like he's ready to take on the world!  But, we're hoping to hold out for another two weeks at the least.

D is for DINNER
After almost two days of no eating or drinking due to the fact that I was in pre-term labor and on Magnesium which relaxes the throat muscles and can cause choking, I was given my first meal today!  A chicken quesadilla and fruit never tasted so good!

A is for ABSENCE
We're here at Baptist Hospital for at least two-three more days if all goes well.  I will have to be monitored while lowering dosages of Magnesium and weaning me off of it.  It's a very rough drug that causes some MAJOR side effects, from flu-like symptoms, feeling hot and flushed, burning sensations, etc.  I've experienced them all!  But because we're here, we are separated from our Birthday Boy!  We are missing him incredibly, but in our absence, he's been in the best hands he could possibly be.  We are so thankful for friends and family who love us and our boy(s) so much.  A special hug goes out to Aunt Jessica and Mimi for all they have done!

Y is for YAHWEH
Have I mentioned God in any of this?  I just have to tell you, He's been so real to us in the past days that it's unfathomable.  He's wrapped His protective arms around us and our unborn son and had us in the right place at exactly the right time.  We just so happened to have an OB appointment on the day I started bleeding on Daniel's birthday.  We just so happened to have an amazing OB who cared enough to make sure we'd be with our baby in case of early delivery by transporting us to Baptist.  We just so happened to be in the best place possible for care, and we just so happen to be doing perfectly well!  God is sovereign and completely in control, and we know that He knows what is best for us.

Bed Rest

Oh, the two words I never hoped to hear...

Yet, with the issues with my kidneys, urinary tract, a low-lying placenta, and now early bleeding, I should have expected it.  I'm resting comfortably on the couch, and I am truly thankful that I am as healthy and blessed as I am.  My husband and family have been amazing since yesterday when the issue first began, a few hours in the ER, and the instruction to stay put. 

32 weeks now, and the anticipation is building.  Just pray that he'll hold off for a little while longer. 

We'll keep you updated...

Two. Of. Them.

I realized today that life is really going to change soon.  With Daniel turning one in two weeks and "Brother" set to arrive the first week of June, this fact that there will be two of them has started to hit home.  I have to begin thinking about everything in two's.  Two cribs.  Two high chairs.  Two car seats - one infant, one convertible.  Two in one stroller.  Two different cries.  Two different laughs.  Two in one room.  Two different sizes of diapers, changes of clothes, sets of toys... 

I have friends that have twins (Lord help them)...  Though I cannot fathom what it is they go through, I've thought about how "the two" hit those parents at once.  I imagine that could be an advantage considering what it is I'm feeling now - this is the pregnancy talking and the anxiety that comes along with it.  I feel as if I just got through with one baby to start with another, and the truth of the matter is that I'll have two babies - they'll just be at completely different stages.

Two of them, and only one of me.  Wow.

Yet, on the other hand, I'm feeling extremely blessed by this idea of "two."  Daniel will never know life without a brother.  He'll always have a friend he can count on, pick at, and love unconditionally.  He'll never have to question who his best friend is or who to call in times of trouble.  "Brother" will more than likely move at a quick pace.  He'll always be attempting to keep up with Daniel, thus energizing him to crawl sooner, speak more clearly and walk even faster.  He'll never know life without his big brother.  Those reasons alone help me to understand the Lord's reason for two of them...

I've spent days fearing the worst...  and I'll probably continue to do so every time someone initiates the topics of two babies at church or two children screaming for sippy cups and bottles or two kids' things being packed into one diaper bag.  However, I cannot help but think of the beauty of "two."  Scripture says that, Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  (Ecclesiastes 4:9)  I'm excited that the unknown of "two" is coming quickly, and I'm so grateful that the Lord has chosen me for "such a time as this."

Unreal

and yet, so vividly, I can tell he is getting closer to making his appearance...

13 weeks to go...  13.  Does that seem as few to you as it does to me?

I watched my first born figure out how to turn a canvas bin upside down in his play yard this morning to use it as pedestal to get closer to his mother (and/or more so, get my attention), and I couldn't help but imagine two of them doing that very same thing together.

I feel incredibly blessed.  I really do.  It gets more exciting not knowing what lies ahead.  How to fit two cribs into one room.  How to get more diapers with the same amount of money.  How to feed two children at once.  How to chase the one that will be walking while holding the newborn.  How, how, how?!  I don't really know yet; that's why it is all so unreal to me at this point.  However, at the same time, I'm so ready for it.  I'm so ready for that miracle of uncertainty to hit us square in the face.  I love how God shows up in the midst of situations that seem so unreal and make them His. 

Ready or Not

As Daniel and I napped one afternoon this week, just before I drifted off, I realized that Daniel wouldn't be our only child (here on earth) for much longer.  As exciting as that statement is, I almost teared up just thinking about it.  I worried over my capabilities as a parent and what life would be like with two children who will be less than 13-14 months apart, and the fear of continuing exhaustion that has been in full effect since last April when he was born almost overwhelmed me.

That is, until this precious, first-born son of mine, snuggled up close to my chest, and I suddenly felt his sweet, growing brother gently nudge his older sibling from my inside.  For what seemed like hours, I laid in awe of this little being (25 weeks and counting) and how he was "communicating" with both Daniel and his mommy. 

Somehow, my nerves were calmed, and I realized how amazing God must be to allow ME to experience this much joy...  Sure, there are moments when I am so scared of what is to come that I almost choke, but mostly, there are moments like these when my God reassures me that these "are the plans He has for me..."

Ready or not, the moments of exhaustion are coming...  The sleepless nights and soon thereafter, the endless fights.  I cannot tell you how exciting that is to me these days.  Ready or not, God seems to say, and I, for one, am ready for what He has in store.

Grace Abounds

In every tiny kick and each little spout of heartburn, my Lord's grace abounds.

There was a time two years ago this same month when I was at this place:  pregnant, uncertain, and extremely scared.  It was just weeks into our first pregnancy when I learned that we had miscarried.  I didn't feel anything or any different; I just imagined that there was this precious person growing within me and everything was fine.  Yet it wasn't.  Ten weeks into the pregnancy, we were told that it wasn't viable.  There was no heartbeat.  No movement.  No kicks.  No, nothing at all.

However, to this day, I cannot think that it was nothing.  I cannot believe that that baby was not a baby.  I don't know whether it was a girl or a boy, but I know it was a child of God.  Perfectly knit in my womb to fulfill God's plans for my life.  What that is, is anything but "nothing." 

Somehow, these two years later, I have learned that those days, those moments, those horrific valleys of despair were actually times of God's amazing grace.  He redeemed me.  He restored me.  He taught me that He was in control, and now, with our third baby thriving in my womb, I am able to be at complete peace knowing that God knows what is to come.

More than ever, I am able to experience God's grace with a deep appreciation for my Father.  He was there when I was conceived.  He was there that January afternoon when my mother's water broke.  He knew my hip would be dislocated and that I would wear a brace to correct it for 6 months of my life.  He also knew that years later I would have three children of my own.  He even realized that giving one up to Heaven before I ever met it would break me.  He understood that I needed that.  He knew that Daniel would be my first born son.  He knew Daniel would have a brother.  He just knew even way back when, and that is grace. 

So, with every new stage in life (and in this pregnancy), I have learned to look for His grace...  Because it's there.  It surrounds me.  It shapes who I am, who I've lost, who I'm raising, and also who I am carrying.  But I'll never forget that it was this same month two years ago when God's grace made me who I am, taught me about loss, showed me how to be a mother, and how to trust that God is in control of life.  Grace, it's so good.