It didn't come to us as a shock because, thankfully, God had prepared our hearts for the news we would receive today. He was so careful in His sovereignty to plan this in such a way that we weren't overwhelmed by the words we heard or even fearful of them. When the details were laid in front of us, we knew God was already there.
We had heard some of this type of news before... actually just two years ago. Then, it cut deep and made us feel paralyzed by the unknown. We researched and gathered information, tried different medications, and had many appointments. All of that came to mind today hearing what I hoped we wouldn't but knew we could.
Elias has been diagnosed with a Chiari brain malformation (a neurological disorder where part if the brain, the cerebellum and more specifically the cerebellar tonsils descends out of the skull into the spinal area causing pressure and other issues), just as Samuel was in 2015. Their malformations are quite similar in size, but the fact that Elias has central sleep apnea (which causes him to stop breathing during sleep) completely changes things.
He will soon go in for a spinal MRI for further information and to rule out a syrinyx or tethered cord. If he has those, he is definitely going to need brain decompression surgery to help relieve pressure. However, if he does not have those, he still has a strong possibility of surgery because of his current prognosis.
As the doctor explained all of this today, I remembered the worry that overtook me when Samuel was faced with a small Chiari (that, thankfully, hasn't required surgery), but I wasn't feeling that way with Elias... It was peaceful. It was matter of fact. It was out of our hands, as it always has been, and completely in God's. It felt great to realize these simple things and truths.
This might not have been what I wanted or expected to hear today, but it was exactly what we had asked and prayed for... an answer to our son's medical concerns. There was power in knowing now how to proceed, what specifically to pray for, and WHO was blessing us with peace. God knew what we were to learn today, and He granted us wisdom and knowledge from two years earlier to face this news with strength, grace, and peace that completely surpassed all of my understanding!
Showing posts with label Peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Peace. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
One Year Ago
It was one year ago today that I held my 4 year old in a recovery room waiting for him to awake from anesthesia from his first MRI. It was eerily quiet, and I remember as I held him feeling so peaceful in that moment. He had suffered for over a month and a half from awful headaches, sickening nausea, frustrating tingling in his hands, and the worst numbness in his legs and feet leaving him unable to stand at moments. Yet, in that room, with the steady beeps from hospital machines and nurses footsteps, I felt a calm.
I didn't know, in that moment, that he would be diagnosed with a brain malformation or that he had a cyst on his pineal gland in his brain as well. I didn't realize that he would need to have further MRIs throughout the week and his life to check on the size or growth of both. I couldn't foresee that he would need a neurologist or a neurosurgeon and that we would need to speak and visit one or both of them every few weeks/months. I couldn't have guessed that he would need medication to control migraines and his symptoms or that, when not well controlled, they can cause other problems within the brain as they did. I had no idea, in that moment, that he would be stricken with seizures. I couldn't imagine then how helpless he would seem as the medicine tried to help actually caused terrible reactions to his body. I wasn't picturing in that room what might be ahead for him or us... I only felt peace.
The past year has been one of the toughest of my life, but as I look back to the day before Samuel was diagnosed, I am overwhelmed by the fact that God wanted me to feel His presence. He didn't want me to look ahead. He didn't want me to worry or try to figure it all out ahead of time as He already had. He wanted me to be still, hold our son, and rest in His perfect peace.
I have struggled with resting lately. I have been saddened by Samuel's situation and how he's hurting, but I was reminded by a friend that it's possible I am looking back today as a reminder to rest in that peace all over again. God knew what was coming, yet He provided the calmness I needed that day on March 9, 2015, to hold my resting son and to prepare my heart for what was to come. Peace. It's what I must choose one year later... for my son AND for me.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Rest for the Weary
We met with Samuel's neurologist today for the first time. She listened intently to our concerns, asked many questions, went over his MRI scans and results, and spent a great deal of time with us. She had a way of explaining things that brought rest to this weary mom.
She did not discount the fact that Samuel does have a 8 mm Chiari Malformation (CM), but she felt as though his headaches were triggered by anxiety and a sudden life change in January when they first began. At that time, Elias had a big surgery (adenoids and tonsils removed), I left my pre-K teaching job, and we began homeschooling.
After learning more about him and his history, the neurologist diagnosed Samuel with migraines. Many of his symptoms could be attributed to Chiari, but they are more so migraine-related due to stress and fear of being in pain. She said it isn't uncommon for patients with one neurological issue to end up with another, which happens to be the case for Samuel.
Right now, the neurologist believes we can treat many of his symptoms with a daily preventative. We are praying it helps and that he can both tolerate it and begin to rest well again.
We still have to meet with opthamology on May 12th to make sure his eyes are fine, but the neurologist said it shouldn't change her course of action. Until then, we will continue to monitor his symptoms, begin new medication, and wait patiently on the Lord.
Oh, but He's already here... I felt His presence today when I began to feel overwhelmed in describing all of Samuel's setbacks from fine motor skills, losing independence, and lack of sleep. I knew He was there when I began to cry explaining how difficult it had been lately to get Samuel to eat. I realized He was there when I asked if we could see Samuel's MRI scans...
and when I saw our sweet Samuel's button nose on that computer screen and the neurologist pointed to his Chiari, do you know what I saw?!
I saw the hand of God. It was so clear to me. That "malformation" was nothing like I had pictured in my mind. It's there, obviously, but it wasn't as overwhelming as I expected it to be. I felt peaceful sitting there today because I knew God was already there. I was finally ready to fall into His arms and let Him show Himself strong.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Be Still.
I went to bed last night with a heavy heart. I questioned whether or not the decision we had made concerning Elias was one I was comfortable with. I had difficulty falling asleep despite knowing that I would be waking early the next morning. So, I wrestled with laundry, dishes, and packing bags, when I heard the Lord say, "Be still."
We woke this morning around 5:45 to prepare for our day. Grandpa arrived around 6:30 a.m., talked with his youngest grand boy, and anticipated his busy day ahead. He would be watching Daniel and Samuel. Brian, Elias, and I picked up Mimi (and Hardee's biscuits) then rushed through rush hour traffic to make it to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital five minutes earlier than we expected.
Elias was checked in, and we waited for his name to be called.
From birth, Elias has wheezed. It's not always constant, but it never goes away. If he's not wheezing, he's about to begin wheezing. His wheezing has been treated with more medications than I care to mention, and we were directed to a pulmonologist at Vandy when he was 3 months old. We were told Elias has tracheomalacia which was typical in infant wheezing. However, with Elias' wheezing comes coughing, sicknesses like pneumonia, ear infections, bronchialitis, and a 4-day hospital stay that made us realize we no longer wanted our baby to be sick.
A week after his hospital admittance, Elias was back in the pediatrician's office with a 102 fever and wheezing. The Children's Clinic immediately referred us back to our pediatric pulmonologist. He was willing to see us the Monday following Thanksgiving, then per his request, we agreed to schedule a bronchoscopy the following Monday, December 3rd.
His name was called fairly quickly, and we headed back to a holding room around 9:00 a.m. Despite having not eaten since 5:00 a.m., Elias didn't fuss. He laughed and smiled with every single person that came in to ask us a number of questions. I placed my hand over his chest, and much to our surprise, Elias wasn't wheezing! The nurses heard no wheezing and said he sounded clear which would be beneficial to his procedure. I overheard other parents explaining their children's medical histories to nurses, and I sat there with our happy baby feeling humbled.
It wasn't until 11:30 that Elias was taken back to the operating room. I watched as the two anesthesiologists walked away with him. My heart ached, yet I could hear the Lord urging my heart, "Be still."
The procedure itself lasted only 10 minutes. Elias was put to sleep with a mask then two iv's were placed because babies' bodies don't always take them well - so he had two. By 12:30, our pulmonologist was in the waiting room explaining what the bronchoscopy showed!
Our precious Elias does have tracheomalacia, an abnormal collapse of the tracheal walls. To be simple, the cartilage in Elias' trachea is floppy and causes breathing to be noisy and labored. He also has laryngomalacia, which is the weakening of the cartilage in his larynx. Both of these, according to the scope, are moderate. It was determined today that Elias has mild bronchomalacia as well. His entire airway is weak. He is wheezing because he was born this way, and thankfully, no treatment is necessary. "Be still." He will outgrow these by the age of two.
However, these findings did not explain the constant sickness Elias has. What our doctor explained next did. Despite how clear Elias was today, his airway was very swollen and inflamed. The doctor noticed small spots around Elias' oropharynx (located at the back of his mouth and is the oral part of the pharynx) and that his adenoid was enlarged. All of these help to explain some of why Elias has labored breathing, snoring, and wheezing. He had cultures taken from his lungs today to ensure there is no infection, but our pulmonologist believes that these findings indicate one major thing... acid reflux.
Although Elias doesn't always spit up or gag, he has the internal findings of a child with reflux. When Elias breathes, the cartilage in his airway is weak, so he often aspirates the fluids (milk, germs, acids, etc.) back into his body causing inflammation, swelling, and sickness.
What this means is that Elias will be put on medication for acid reflux. He has been diagnosed with reflux once or twice :) before, but small dosages never seemed to work. Now that doctors know his condition, they can properly give him what he needs. If we can treat his situation with medication, then nothing further will be necessary. There are options should they not work.
Culture results will come later this week. They will give us an indication if some or all of the swelling or inflammation in Elias' airway is caused by infection. These results will also help determine if what Elias has actually is reflux.
All of this, and we'd still not been called back to see Elias. I couldn't wait to see him. "Be still".
Elias was throwing himself backwards in the nurses' arms. He seemed angry, but he wasn't crying. He moved as to show his frustration. I am certain he didn't like the iv's. They removed the one in his foot, and kept the one in his wrist covered with a small no-no. It's like a small air cast to keep children from pulling at their cords. Once in my arms, Elias relaxed. A lot. He slept in recovery. He didn't eat.
When the nurses realized this, they sent us to a holding room so that he could rest and we could focus on getting him to drink. Almost 2 and half hours after the bronchoscopy, Elias woke up. He wasn't smiling, but he didn't cry. He quickly drank 2 oz of Pedialyte while sitting with his Mimi. We soon saw him smile. He was still hungry and drank more. At that point, we were discharged.
Here I am, a full day later since being filled with anxiety, in complete peace. I look over at our sweet baby and realize just how blessed I am. Despite a few complications which are NO surprise to God, Elias is sleeping peacefully in the middle of our bed. My heart is at rest. I know that God is God, and all I have to be is still. He is in control, and whatever comes next in Elias' story is God's to tell.
Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
Psalm 46:10
We woke this morning around 5:45 to prepare for our day. Grandpa arrived around 6:30 a.m., talked with his youngest grand boy, and anticipated his busy day ahead. He would be watching Daniel and Samuel. Brian, Elias, and I picked up Mimi (and Hardee's biscuits) then rushed through rush hour traffic to make it to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital five minutes earlier than we expected.
Elias was checked in, and we waited for his name to be called.
From birth, Elias has wheezed. It's not always constant, but it never goes away. If he's not wheezing, he's about to begin wheezing. His wheezing has been treated with more medications than I care to mention, and we were directed to a pulmonologist at Vandy when he was 3 months old. We were told Elias has tracheomalacia which was typical in infant wheezing. However, with Elias' wheezing comes coughing, sicknesses like pneumonia, ear infections, bronchialitis, and a 4-day hospital stay that made us realize we no longer wanted our baby to be sick.
A week after his hospital admittance, Elias was back in the pediatrician's office with a 102 fever and wheezing. The Children's Clinic immediately referred us back to our pediatric pulmonologist. He was willing to see us the Monday following Thanksgiving, then per his request, we agreed to schedule a bronchoscopy the following Monday, December 3rd.
His name was called fairly quickly, and we headed back to a holding room around 9:00 a.m. Despite having not eaten since 5:00 a.m., Elias didn't fuss. He laughed and smiled with every single person that came in to ask us a number of questions. I placed my hand over his chest, and much to our surprise, Elias wasn't wheezing! The nurses heard no wheezing and said he sounded clear which would be beneficial to his procedure. I overheard other parents explaining their children's medical histories to nurses, and I sat there with our happy baby feeling humbled.
It wasn't until 11:30 that Elias was taken back to the operating room. I watched as the two anesthesiologists walked away with him. My heart ached, yet I could hear the Lord urging my heart, "Be still."
The procedure itself lasted only 10 minutes. Elias was put to sleep with a mask then two iv's were placed because babies' bodies don't always take them well - so he had two. By 12:30, our pulmonologist was in the waiting room explaining what the bronchoscopy showed!
Our precious Elias does have tracheomalacia, an abnormal collapse of the tracheal walls. To be simple, the cartilage in Elias' trachea is floppy and causes breathing to be noisy and labored. He also has laryngomalacia, which is the weakening of the cartilage in his larynx. Both of these, according to the scope, are moderate. It was determined today that Elias has mild bronchomalacia as well. His entire airway is weak. He is wheezing because he was born this way, and thankfully, no treatment is necessary. "Be still." He will outgrow these by the age of two.
However, these findings did not explain the constant sickness Elias has. What our doctor explained next did. Despite how clear Elias was today, his airway was very swollen and inflamed. The doctor noticed small spots around Elias' oropharynx (located at the back of his mouth and is the oral part of the pharynx) and that his adenoid was enlarged. All of these help to explain some of why Elias has labored breathing, snoring, and wheezing. He had cultures taken from his lungs today to ensure there is no infection, but our pulmonologist believes that these findings indicate one major thing... acid reflux.
Although Elias doesn't always spit up or gag, he has the internal findings of a child with reflux. When Elias breathes, the cartilage in his airway is weak, so he often aspirates the fluids (milk, germs, acids, etc.) back into his body causing inflammation, swelling, and sickness.
What this means is that Elias will be put on medication for acid reflux. He has been diagnosed with reflux once or twice :) before, but small dosages never seemed to work. Now that doctors know his condition, they can properly give him what he needs. If we can treat his situation with medication, then nothing further will be necessary. There are options should they not work.
Culture results will come later this week. They will give us an indication if some or all of the swelling or inflammation in Elias' airway is caused by infection. These results will also help determine if what Elias has actually is reflux.
All of this, and we'd still not been called back to see Elias. I couldn't wait to see him. "Be still".
Elias was throwing himself backwards in the nurses' arms. He seemed angry, but he wasn't crying. He moved as to show his frustration. I am certain he didn't like the iv's. They removed the one in his foot, and kept the one in his wrist covered with a small no-no. It's like a small air cast to keep children from pulling at their cords. Once in my arms, Elias relaxed. A lot. He slept in recovery. He didn't eat.
When the nurses realized this, they sent us to a holding room so that he could rest and we could focus on getting him to drink. Almost 2 and half hours after the bronchoscopy, Elias woke up. He wasn't smiling, but he didn't cry. He quickly drank 2 oz of Pedialyte while sitting with his Mimi. We soon saw him smile. He was still hungry and drank more. At that point, we were discharged.
Here I am, a full day later since being filled with anxiety, in complete peace. I look over at our sweet baby and realize just how blessed I am. Despite a few complications which are NO surprise to God, Elias is sleeping peacefully in the middle of our bed. My heart is at rest. I know that God is God, and all I have to be is still. He is in control, and whatever comes next in Elias' story is God's to tell.
Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
Psalm 46:10
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Pat on the Back
Do you ever have times when you just need a pat on the back? You just need to hear that you are doing a good job and are appreciated for the work you do. In today's society, it is often difficult to get that positive reinforcement we need as people. In our humble, human nature, we need to know that the tasks and jobs we have and complete are being recognized by someone who is in a higher position than we are, and when we do not receive the praise we deem is necessary, we sometimes feel as though we are looked at as disappointments.
I have felt that way many times as a stay-at-home parent. People hear that I have a college degree and actually quit my teaching job on my own will, and immediately I am judged as a "quitter" or someone who has failed in society. Even still, I knew it was God's will for me to leave that career and begin this new one as a wife and a parent. It hasn't been easy. There are days that I long to be among desks and bulletin boards. I even imagine what craft we might be creating if I still was a teacher to twenty Kindergarteners.
However, it has been brought to my attention lately that I am doing exactly as God had planned. It wasn't my husband who commended my work in our home. My dad, who funded my college aspirations, has never once admitted how he feels about my current role in the home and not in the classroom. It wasn't a young mother or a woman who has been in my position, but it was a 22-month-old, little boy....
As he woke in the middle of night crying for Daddy, it was Mommy who went to sit at Daniel's bedside. While I knew I would much rather be sleeping and getting the rest I needed for the next exhausting day, sweet Daniel placed his arm around my neck and bent over to "Muah" my head. I started to stand, seeing he was finally soothed, and he quickly pulled me in closer to him. Despite my discomfort, kneeling over his blue toddler bed, this precious child proceeded to pat me on my back until he fell asleep.
There are times in life when all we need is to know is that we are noticed while doing our best. Be it from a manager, boss, or friend, that recognition does amazing things to a person's heart. The encouragement we receive often pushes us to work harder and continue on. Sometimes, it comes from the tiniest of voices - sometimes in the night, others during our work - but it always comes to a heart that's in need. My "pat on the back" came from my little boy, but I am certain that God had a hand in Daniel's while he was rubbing my shoulder. God knows all about what we need, and believe me, He is there despite the quiet, empty, and tired places we find ourselves in. Let Him speak to you and encourage your heart. He's always ready...
I have felt that way many times as a stay-at-home parent. People hear that I have a college degree and actually quit my teaching job on my own will, and immediately I am judged as a "quitter" or someone who has failed in society. Even still, I knew it was God's will for me to leave that career and begin this new one as a wife and a parent. It hasn't been easy. There are days that I long to be among desks and bulletin boards. I even imagine what craft we might be creating if I still was a teacher to twenty Kindergarteners.
However, it has been brought to my attention lately that I am doing exactly as God had planned. It wasn't my husband who commended my work in our home. My dad, who funded my college aspirations, has never once admitted how he feels about my current role in the home and not in the classroom. It wasn't a young mother or a woman who has been in my position, but it was a 22-month-old, little boy....
As he woke in the middle of night crying for Daddy, it was Mommy who went to sit at Daniel's bedside. While I knew I would much rather be sleeping and getting the rest I needed for the next exhausting day, sweet Daniel placed his arm around my neck and bent over to "Muah" my head. I started to stand, seeing he was finally soothed, and he quickly pulled me in closer to him. Despite my discomfort, kneeling over his blue toddler bed, this precious child proceeded to pat me on my back until he fell asleep.
There are times in life when all we need is to know is that we are noticed while doing our best. Be it from a manager, boss, or friend, that recognition does amazing things to a person's heart. The encouragement we receive often pushes us to work harder and continue on. Sometimes, it comes from the tiniest of voices - sometimes in the night, others during our work - but it always comes to a heart that's in need. My "pat on the back" came from my little boy, but I am certain that God had a hand in Daniel's while he was rubbing my shoulder. God knows all about what we need, and believe me, He is there despite the quiet, empty, and tired places we find ourselves in. Let Him speak to you and encourage your heart. He's always ready...
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Sleep Tight
For many sleepless nights, I worried. Like any new parent, every waking minute was spent checking to see if my newborn was breathing. I cannot tell you how many times I would reach my hand into the bassinet to make sure he was alright. I never slept. Even if he was, I wasn't. All the thoughts that filled my mind would keep me awake.
I had read all of the statistics. I knew that laying a baby on his stomach to sleep was strictly prohibited by doctors. I was told to remove the bumper from around his crib. I remembered that a sleeper would be all he needed to keep warm, and that a blanket or any loose item could be a hazard. I had been given so much information as a first-time mother that I couldn't actually "be" one due to the worry that overtook me.
But something changed tonight.
After myonly (okay, so maybe it was my fourth) fifteenth trip to check on Daniel earlier, I realized that I had this all wrong. My fears were completely irrelevant. With each breath my son took, I heard these words, "He who keeps you will not slumber." The Lord whispered to me over my sleeping baby.
I have spent so many nights in fear. If it isn't my child I am worried over, it ends up being what to make for dinner the next evening, where the money is going, whose feelings I have hurt, when or if we should move, how God could sell a house in this economy, when Daniel is going to wake up, how many hours of sleep I need, or whether or not I am actually good enough (and these are only a few of the things my mind has meddled over just recently). I find it impossible to sleep among my thoughts and fears.
It wasn't until this evening, as Daniel rested peacefully in his crib, that I truly understood that worrying isn't in God's plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). The same God that watches each sparrow, also has His eyes over me. He does not sleep or slumber (Psalm 121:4), and He definitely knows when I rise and when I go to sleep. Why has it taken me so long to realize that God's doing that very same thing for my child?
So, even in this early hour, my son has rolled over onto his stomach, is snuggled right up beside his bumper, and has his security blanket in arm. Am I worried? No. I have no fear because the God of Israel is watching him as he sleeps. Every statistic I've read couldn't give me any more peace than that. Good night and sleep tight.
I had read all of the statistics. I knew that laying a baby on his stomach to sleep was strictly prohibited by doctors. I was told to remove the bumper from around his crib. I remembered that a sleeper would be all he needed to keep warm, and that a blanket or any loose item could be a hazard. I had been given so much information as a first-time mother that I couldn't actually "be" one due to the worry that overtook me.
But something changed tonight.
After my
I have spent so many nights in fear. If it isn't my child I am worried over, it ends up being what to make for dinner the next evening, where the money is going, whose feelings I have hurt, when or if we should move, how God could sell a house in this economy, when Daniel is going to wake up, how many hours of sleep I need, or whether or not I am actually good enough (and these are only a few of the things my mind has meddled over just recently). I find it impossible to sleep among my thoughts and fears.
It wasn't until this evening, as Daniel rested peacefully in his crib, that I truly understood that worrying isn't in God's plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). The same God that watches each sparrow, also has His eyes over me. He does not sleep or slumber (Psalm 121:4), and He definitely knows when I rise and when I go to sleep. Why has it taken me so long to realize that God's doing that very same thing for my child?
So, even in this early hour, my son has rolled over onto his stomach, is snuggled right up beside his bumper, and has his security blanket in arm. Am I worried? No. I have no fear because the God of Israel is watching him as he sleeps. Every statistic I've read couldn't give me any more peace than that. Good night and sleep tight.
Monday, November 17, 2008
He Chooses Me
Crashing waves. They seem to be all around me. It seems as if my life is caught in a storm, and I am not sure that I will survive it. The rain keeps coming and the winds are stronger than I could imagine, and yet the amazing peace of God is in the midst of it all.
Fear seems to overtake me at moments like these. Times when it is more difficult than not to know where we are going or what God has in store. Times when I do not know why this boat was for me.
Isn't that life? It seems as if there is always something changing. Life is so inconsistent when all I am looking for is one little piece of normal, and yet the waves continue to toss. I don't know why I expect this. It was evident this past weekend as we were in Gatlinburg how life changes so quickly. When we arrived in the mountains on Thursday the 13th, it was 70 degrees, and in fact, I had on a t-shirt which was almost too hot. As we woke on the day of our departure, we had an inch of snow on the ground. Nothing stays the same.
My husband and I have learned all about storms, and how they can incredibly distort your ways of thinking. Just since January of this year alone, the ship we've been on has been a rough ride. We have learned we were pregnant, lost the child to miscarriage, left my teaching job, grieved the loss of Brian's father, become pregnant for a second time, endured Brian's sweet cousin's brain surgery, and resigned from a church that we dearly love. I know everyone has journeys like these, and yet I cannot help but wonder what we are supposed to learn from being on board this particular ship.
And yet, I'm so thankful for it all. I'm so thankful that God decided to give and take my first child; it makes Heaven so much sweeter knowing that we have a perfect gift awaiting us. I am so grateful to have left my job; I would have never been able to support my husband or find the gifts that God had given me without leaving there. Losing a loved one has taught me to love much more deeply; the sudden loss of Brian's dad has left an impression that RIGHT NOW is my chance to love. Hayden's surgery has been one of the most traumatic events our family has faced, and yet it has made me realize how BIG God is; I've watched my Lord in the hands of surgeons and in the eyes of a 5-year-old child, and I see that my God is triumphant in every way. I'm honored to say that God has blessed me with a second pregnancy; I don't know that anyone could understand why the pregnancy itself is such a miracle to me. But I've learned to hold onto something that isn't in my arms, and I've seen its heart beat as only God could allow. We have had to step out and leave a church where our hearts were; God speaks so clearly and yet it is the hardest thing to say goodbye when you weren't exactly preparing for it. We also now are learning what blind faith really is, and I'm grateful for that. I have never been so certain of anything despite neither of us having a job or a place to call our own; these waves continue to surround me and I am at peace.
How is that? How can I have peace when all I feel is that I have no control of the stern? Well, I don't know exactly how to answer that. I would be lying if I said I wasn't fearful, because I am in some ways. I fear that money will get too tight or that I'll never hold this baby in my arms; it frightens me to think that I don't know where we're going or if this is all there is. I will admit that the waves overwhelm me, but I KNOW in whom I BELIEVE. He is at the head of this boat I'm on, and He is my Captain. No matter which storm I encounter, my Lord knows what is right. He knows which way I need to go. He realizes that these waves are best for me and no one else. He chooses me. These storms were made just for me, and I'm beyond thrilled to ride them out.
Fear seems to overtake me at moments like these. Times when it is more difficult than not to know where we are going or what God has in store. Times when I do not know why this boat was for me.
Isn't that life? It seems as if there is always something changing. Life is so inconsistent when all I am looking for is one little piece of normal, and yet the waves continue to toss. I don't know why I expect this. It was evident this past weekend as we were in Gatlinburg how life changes so quickly. When we arrived in the mountains on Thursday the 13th, it was 70 degrees, and in fact, I had on a t-shirt which was almost too hot. As we woke on the day of our departure, we had an inch of snow on the ground. Nothing stays the same.
My husband and I have learned all about storms, and how they can incredibly distort your ways of thinking. Just since January of this year alone, the ship we've been on has been a rough ride. We have learned we were pregnant, lost the child to miscarriage, left my teaching job, grieved the loss of Brian's father, become pregnant for a second time, endured Brian's sweet cousin's brain surgery, and resigned from a church that we dearly love. I know everyone has journeys like these, and yet I cannot help but wonder what we are supposed to learn from being on board this particular ship.
And yet, I'm so thankful for it all. I'm so thankful that God decided to give and take my first child; it makes Heaven so much sweeter knowing that we have a perfect gift awaiting us. I am so grateful to have left my job; I would have never been able to support my husband or find the gifts that God had given me without leaving there. Losing a loved one has taught me to love much more deeply; the sudden loss of Brian's dad has left an impression that RIGHT NOW is my chance to love. Hayden's surgery has been one of the most traumatic events our family has faced, and yet it has made me realize how BIG God is; I've watched my Lord in the hands of surgeons and in the eyes of a 5-year-old child, and I see that my God is triumphant in every way. I'm honored to say that God has blessed me with a second pregnancy; I don't know that anyone could understand why the pregnancy itself is such a miracle to me. But I've learned to hold onto something that isn't in my arms, and I've seen its heart beat as only God could allow. We have had to step out and leave a church where our hearts were; God speaks so clearly and yet it is the hardest thing to say goodbye when you weren't exactly preparing for it. We also now are learning what blind faith really is, and I'm grateful for that. I have never been so certain of anything despite neither of us having a job or a place to call our own; these waves continue to surround me and I am at peace.
How is that? How can I have peace when all I feel is that I have no control of the stern? Well, I don't know exactly how to answer that. I would be lying if I said I wasn't fearful, because I am in some ways. I fear that money will get too tight or that I'll never hold this baby in my arms; it frightens me to think that I don't know where we're going or if this is all there is. I will admit that the waves overwhelm me, but I KNOW in whom I BELIEVE. He is at the head of this boat I'm on, and He is my Captain. No matter which storm I encounter, my Lord knows what is right. He knows which way I need to go. He realizes that these waves are best for me and no one else. He chooses me. These storms were made just for me, and I'm beyond thrilled to ride them out.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Gifts of God
You ever get stuck? I mean, really stuck. Not in mud or gum or anything disgusting like that, but just emotionally stuck.
I had gotten to that point where my feelings just felt stuck. I couldn't figure out what my purpose was or why God had given me the push to quit my job. Then after that, for the past few months, I have wondered what to do with my time. I just was stuck doing the same thing over and over, and the same emotions came along with it. You know, those pitiful, frustrated and lonely, disappointed and discouraged, and angry feelings you get from time to time? Yeah, I had all of them on a day-to-day basis, and honestly, I was hoping and praying for someone to pull me out of the "mud."
I don't know exactly who's idea it was or how it came about, but I have always been told my handwriting was a pure gift from God. Strange gift, I know, but if it was mine for the taking, what was I supposed to do with it? You can't exactly get a job handwriting. That's when my husband suggested I should paint. Use my handwriting by painting. He sounded crazy, but I tried it anyway.
It was fabulous, the way all of my emotions seemed to leave me just by putting ink on a page but in this case, paint on a canvas. I felt as though I FINALLY was doing something with "my gift" and I had an awesome opportunity to share it with others. At first I just painted for us, as gifts for friends, etc., but I soon realized as people began commenting that this could be something God has gifted me to do.
So I began Gifts of God paintings today. After months of debating it, I have decided to walk the path, muddy or not, and be willing to get stuck doing something I love. Visit the site, do not feel obligated to buy anything, but if God leads you, let me offer my most sincere willingness to share the gift God has given me with you.
With love,
Jenna
I had gotten to that point where my feelings just felt stuck. I couldn't figure out what my purpose was or why God had given me the push to quit my job. Then after that, for the past few months, I have wondered what to do with my time. I just was stuck doing the same thing over and over, and the same emotions came along with it. You know, those pitiful, frustrated and lonely, disappointed and discouraged, and angry feelings you get from time to time? Yeah, I had all of them on a day-to-day basis, and honestly, I was hoping and praying for someone to pull me out of the "mud."
I don't know exactly who's idea it was or how it came about, but I have always been told my handwriting was a pure gift from God. Strange gift, I know, but if it was mine for the taking, what was I supposed to do with it? You can't exactly get a job handwriting. That's when my husband suggested I should paint. Use my handwriting by painting. He sounded crazy, but I tried it anyway.
It was fabulous, the way all of my emotions seemed to leave me just by putting ink on a page but in this case, paint on a canvas. I felt as though I FINALLY was doing something with "my gift" and I had an awesome opportunity to share it with others. At first I just painted for us, as gifts for friends, etc., but I soon realized as people began commenting that this could be something God has gifted me to do.
So I began Gifts of God paintings today. After months of debating it, I have decided to walk the path, muddy or not, and be willing to get stuck doing something I love. Visit the site, do not feel obligated to buy anything, but if God leads you, let me offer my most sincere willingness to share the gift God has given me with you.
With love,
Jenna
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Empty Boxes
I had boxes full of Kindergarten supplies, classroom decorations, and crayons. As we packed up my room into cardboard boxes, I felt so empty. I am not saying this is a bad thing. I expected to be over-emotional, crying, and not wanting to leave, but counting down the minutes until time to leave, I had no feeling at all.
I know I could put this into elegant words to explain what this taught me, but let me just say this: I firmly believe God filled those cardboard boxes with exactly what needed to be in them for this point in my life. I was afraid that leaving was the wrong thing to do, but when God says to do something, I do not have to second guess Him. He proudly watched me as I looked into each empty box and packed it full of things that I had to say goodbye to. It is sad, knowing I will not be teaching next year, but the peace I have about not going back is so comforting. FULL! Just like those boxes, I am packed full of God's spirit and He is leading me onto my next move.
Sorry it is so short, but I am writing my husband's blogs for the next two weeks. I just finished this week's post. Please visit his Words of Encouragement site to view my article(s).
Help me to PRAY for him for the next 12 days until June 7th. He is with my grandfather and 20 others on a tour of Israel. Pray for safety and spiritual understanding. Keep up with their trip on Israel 2008.
I know I could put this into elegant words to explain what this taught me, but let me just say this: I firmly believe God filled those cardboard boxes with exactly what needed to be in them for this point in my life. I was afraid that leaving was the wrong thing to do, but when God says to do something, I do not have to second guess Him. He proudly watched me as I looked into each empty box and packed it full of things that I had to say goodbye to. It is sad, knowing I will not be teaching next year, but the peace I have about not going back is so comforting. FULL! Just like those boxes, I am packed full of God's spirit and He is leading me onto my next move.
Sorry it is so short, but I am writing my husband's blogs for the next two weeks. I just finished this week's post. Please visit his Words of Encouragement site to view my article(s).
Help me to PRAY for him for the next 12 days until June 7th. He is with my grandfather and 20 others on a tour of Israel. Pray for safety and spiritual understanding. Keep up with their trip on Israel 2008.
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