A Simple Prayer

Since Samuel's Chiari diagnosis, we have been asked quite often about how he is doing, and we cannot thank you enough for that. We were never carrying the burden alone, but once we shared the news, your prayers, texts, and support have meant so much to our family. We know that God has blessed us with a large "family" that trusts in His power to provide strength and grace.

We are still waiting to hear on when Samuel will see an opthamologist and a neurologist.  Until then and for five more weeks, I am logging his symptoms.  As of yet, there aren't any new ones.  His headaches do seem to occur less often, but when they happen, we aren't able to control them that well with ibuprofen or tylenol.  He has trouble falling asleep and wakes some.  

Headaches really bother Samuel.  It's the other symptoms that are hard for me.  They vary and are difficult to explain to him.  I really have had to rest in prayer and scripture and find such comfort in Proverbs 3:5 and Zephaniah 3:17.  Samuel and I repeat them back and forth to each other.  I pray outloud over him so he hears what I am asking God to do for him.  There's such peace in knowing God cares for us.

I will be honest though.  There are nights when he is hurting, we are tired, and rest isn't coming.  Frustration kicks in once pain doesn't reside.  He gets tears in his eyes and I in mine.  It's in those times that I cry out to Jesus. 

Tonight, I heard my sweet boy pray to Jesus for HIMSELF.  Samuel always thinks to pray for others.  He wasn't crying, but he was asking God to help him in a simple, yet profound way.  I, as Mommy, don't want to forget this moment, because Samuel was hurting, but instead of turning to me or to medicine, he realized WHO to turn to for help.

God, thank You for our church family and for Addy, Brooke, Bryce, Grayson, and Michael.  Oh, and Brother David.  Help me to feel better when You can.  Thank you for Jessica, Mimi, and Grandpa.  For Mommy and Daddy being married for 8 days, no, she said 8 years.  For this beautiful day so we could go to the park. 

In Jesus' name, Amen

God, remind me to call on You and trust that You will answer when You can.

Can I Get an Amen?

Not too long before Daniel turned two, I became fairly serious about praying around Daniel.  A dear friend of mine suggested the idea of praying over our children, having them hear us pray aloud, and knowing they will imitate how we talk to our Heavenly Father.  I had never considered how children learned to pray, but I feel strongly that my kids should learn from me.

While I know that Daniel is only two, he caught on very quickly.  He held our hands while we prayed before dinner each night and would announce, "Amen!" when he was ready for Daddy's prayers to come to an end.  At night when I would put him into bed, I would pray for all of our family, his friends at Mother's Day Out, our church, and of course, for Daniel and Samuel to sleep well.  Daniel would wait until I finished speaking and would proudly exclaim, "Amen!"

I have to be honest, though, because I am not the best at following through.  There are days when I would forget to pray over our pancakes, and Daniel would yell, "Amen," in my direction. 

Tonight, my precious boy called me out yet again.  I was laying beside his bed as he finished his water.  It has been one of those days where I found myself completely frustrated that I had accomplished nothing around the house and Daniel had driven me up the wall with removing his clothes and spitting all day long.  I decided the silent treatment might help him fall asleep quickly, so I kept my eyes closed as he tossed and turned.  I have to admit, I was drifting off when Daniel rolled onto his back and began naming names...  "Mommy, Daddy, God, Mimi, James, sleepin', Pa, Pop, Ca, Connor, Bizso (Isabelle), Samuel." 

It was long into his "rambling" that I realized what he was doing... 

My two-year-old was praying for his family, friends, and rest!  It was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard!  While I was busy being my I'm too busy to pray tonight because I need to paint and load the dishwasher and empty the diaper genie and wrap a gift and get two hours of sleep before one of the boys wakes up ridiculously selfish self, my toddler (via my Heavenly Father) was teaching his Mommy a lesson. 

God has never been too preoccupied for me.  He has never once failed to listen to me.  He has taken the time to love me with His arms wide open, while there are innumerable times when I toss praying aside.  Daniel was not willing to let my lack of communication with the Father stop him from doing so.  Oh, how I need to make more time for God!  How I need to realize that my children are listening as I pray! 

I want to encourage you (and myself) to pray for your children daily...  Aloud.  Allow your kids to hear you praying for them.  I've found myself praying, "Lord, help me have patience with Daniel as he is pouring his orange gatorade all over my floor, Amen!" and my messy boy looked up and stopped.  He hears me.  One day, Daniel will realize that I turned to my Heavenly Father and prayed to Him, no matter the time of day or the amount of work I needed to get finished.  If God is listening, then I should be speaking.  If God is speaking, I should be listening... 

And tonight, Father, I heard you clearly through Daniel's precious prayers.

Letting Go of Hanging On

So, I'm sure you've noticed it... I've not been myself lately. That's what my husband said loud and clear the other night. Then I admitted to him that a part of me felt as if it left when our baby did. I started thinking about who I was before there ever was a baby. Do you know how difficult that is? To imagine yourself BEFORE the loss of a child?

Well, here I go. I was so happy. I had been married 10 months to my husband, and I could not be more in love. I was looking forward to date nights on Fridays and post-it note love letters every single day. I was learning to cook... It wasn't always successful but I was trying. I was anxious about getting pregnant and had taken a NUMBER of pregnancy tests in the hope of becoming so. I was a friend. People came to me for advice and they often listened to what I had to say. I was joyous. I knew that my life had meaning, though I didn't know what it was, and I was thrilled to see what God had in store. I was a teacher. I loved everything about this classroom, yet I knew God was calling me out of it. These kids were interesting and awesome, and they brightened each day with their quirky looks and hilarious stories. I enjoyed listening to and singing music, looking at and taking pictures, and I absolutely adored polka dots.

That was then.

I am overwhelmed just to get out of bed for fear of thinking of him. I feel suffocated in a classroom full children because none of them are mine. I cry at any talk of pregnancy or just a simple photo of a baby. Baby showers scare me. I am frightened to talk about children. I'm afraid of even discussing babies because I know people feel as though I'm crazy. People walk around me as if I'm surrounded by egg shells. They talk behind my back for fear of not hurting my feelings. I cry all the time. I can't even sing a song at church because the thought of Heaven sometimes hurts because he's there and I'm not. Prayers are difficult, school is harder, and polka dots are driving me nuts.

See, this is now.

I do not want to be this person I've become anymore. I long to move on and feel excitement again over the HOPE of one day becoming a parent. It's not over. I STILL have that chance, that opportunity, even though I've acted as though it's over for me. I want to be a wife again, one who loves unconditionally and goes to bed loving rather than crying herself to sleep. I want my friendships back. I know I don't necessarily even know how to be one, but I want to try. I want to rejoice in my suffering. There are far worse circumstances than mine. My life is not over. I don't want to be like this anymore. Will you PLEASE pray for me? Help me fight this silly battle I've faced for 71 days... I HAVE to let him go. I've been hanging on for too long, and it's time to let go and give God what He deserves:

Praise. "The Lord gave and has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." He gave me a child, and He took him to Heaven; it's up to me to praise Him for it.

God Knows Who You Are

I have really had a lot of time to think about how much God knows about me. It's overwhelming at times, thinking that every thought I have, He knew it before I could even speak it. Every time I hear my Pop pray, he begins by saying, "All-wise, all-knowing and wise, Heavenly Father..." I've sometimes questioned the possibility of an "all-knowing" God. Yet this week, I'm so thankful that He is.

On Friday, as I talked in the office with my principal for only 15 minutes, a third grade student was stealing my cell phone and $12 from my purse. I came back to my classroom to discover that these things were missing, and in a panic, went speed-walking back to the office. However, just the day before, a "suspect" had been accused of taking $45 from the teacher across the hall. Sure, this gave me an idea of who it was, but I didn't know for sure. This strange sense that I had been violated in some way came over me.

All I was able to do in the circumstance was panic. I went to Verizon to suspend the phone and possibly get a new one. That turned out being a huge ordeal as I wasn't actually named on our account. It was awful; Brian was out of town and unable to help, so a fellow friend and teacher drove me around working all of this out.

Looking back, I realize how ridiculous all of this was. In His Word, God says, "In this world you will have tribulation, but take heed; I have overcome the world (John 16:33)." There was no need for my dismay or being fearful. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)." Why was I so frightened at the fact that a 10 year old had taken something of mine? I have no idea. I wondered often over the weekend if that child felt guilty or if he worried over what would happen to him if he were caught. This was not for me to know because my Heavenly Father knew it all.

He saw the child's face as he walked into my room.
He knew that the child would not feel remorse.
He realized that the child needed help.
He understood the child's heart.
He was angry with his actions.
He knew that His judgment on him would be stiff.
He also realized that his punishment here would be small.
He was working in my heart.
He helped the child's parent find the money and my phone.
He was disappointed when I didn't trust that He could.
He probably laughed when my principal handed it to me.
He knows how scared I am to leave my doors unlocked.
He keeps them safely secured even when they are wide open.
He feels my broken heart.
He rejoices when I think of Ethan in Heaven.
He smiles when I love on my husband.
He is put to tears when I praise His name.
He is anxious to see me put my trust in Him.
He is waiting for me to understand Him more.
He wants me to open His pages more often.
He asks that I let it go.
He is proud as I smile at the child who took my things.
He knows that I can be a testimony of His grace.
He knows about my disbelief when I'm walking away.
He feels the readiness I'm experiencing.
He hears my prayers but is already in the works.
He knows exactly who I am.

As angry as I was, I thought about how sorry I felt for this little boy. How lonely he must be and how starved for attention he is. It broke my heart. I am mad, but the emotions I feel are only a piece of what that child hurts with. My God is longing to show His face in this situation, and I am praying that it will be me. Remember today that God knows who you are, and He loves you for it anyway.

Even a Heart Needs a Break

"...This can be nothing but sadness of heart."
Nehemiah 2:2

I don't know how much more I can take, and yet I know I can face it all with God as my strength and shield. It's overwhelming at times, this sadness I seem to face. The ironic part is that I feel guilty for being sad. God never meant for His children to be anything less than joyful, but I can't seem to let go. I have a great excitement about what must be over this strange, upsetting feeling I've been experiencing.

I've been reading Psalm just to make me feel somewhat normal. Reason being? It's the one chapter in the bible where there is great sadness. The cries and sounds of despair cry out in its midst, and the Lord hears their prayers. I think that maybe I believed that something within myself had let my faith decrease, and that's just not true. Just because I'm saddened does not mean I have any less faith. Did you know that in the Old Testament, people grieved for up to 40 days... Jesus even grieved, even when He KNEW that in minutes He Himself would bring Lazarus back to life, "Jesus wept (John 11:35)." Also, I see no instance in which God didn't respond to those who grieved. "Those who sow in tears will reap with cries of joy (Ps 126:5)." This is His promise. He doesn't want us to feel the sorrow His Son faced, that is why Christ died, to bear our sins and griefs. However, I deeply believe that God will bless those who trust in them through their despair. I HAVE to think on this and trust His Word.

My heart just seems to stay sad. I'll go through seasons of happiness but underneath it all, I still can't get past the looming emotion. How long must my heart grieve? I know many wonder about me. I just wanted to make some things clear and ask a few requests...

-Please don't count me as weak simply because I cry.
-Please don't question my faith because I know God will provide comfort.
-Please don't say, "You'll have a baby soon," because you don't actually know that.
-Please, if you're worried about hurting my feelings, talk to me.
-Please realize I'm fragile, but I'm not a piece of glass. I won't break if you discuss babies with me, but I might cry; it's just my heart grieving my child.
-Please talk about this with me if you feel led.
-Please understand that I NEED to say his name. I miss him, and though I may cry when I say it, I'm rejoicing that he was and is.
-Please know that I feel your pain too. My burden is NO bigger than yours. If you need my prayers, PLEASE ask of me to pray. I will and can despite my loss.
-Please spend time with me if you can. I need you. Yes, you.
-Please forgive me if I'm harsh, if I say nothing, if I cry, if I don't attend your special events, if I seem distant... I don't mean to be. I long to be involved again, but there are moments when I can't.
-Please read Job. I sometimes feel just like him. No, I haven't exactly lived blameslessly before the Lord, and I haven't lost all that I have. But I have tasted death firsthand, and I have been tempted by the devil and tried by my Lord. I TRY to live after losing Ethan as Job, praising God for his life but saddened by the loss.
-Please respect my time away and with my husband.
-Please don't forget about me.
-Please know that I am so happy for you if you are pregnant or have children. Your joys with your children make you beautiful, and I one day hope to learn from you.
-PLEASE, please, please pray for me. I want to live in a state of love, joy, and peace, and I know I haven't lately. Pray for these three things I long to have.

Thank you for reading. May God bless you today.

Sitting in the Presence of the Lord

I never imagined that letting go of something you never really had would be this difficult. After having surgery on Monday, my emotions have been very hard to handle. I've felt heartless at times, wondering why at all I haven't cried since Monday, and at other times, I feel so sad that it seems that all I can do is cry. That's actually what happened last night.

I guess I began thinking about its little hands and feet, and how we never got to see them. I started wondering which one of us he would have looked like, and yes, we believe, and have since learning of the pregnancy, this precious baby would have been a boy. I realized we had nothing to remember him by except a Willow Tree figurine that Brian gave me on my birthday when we were 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.



We have learned since then that my birthday was more than likely the day our little one passed. Our last ultrasound showed the baby being only 6 weeks and 1 day old, when in reality we were almost 10 weeks. Letting us know this information has made things on us much easier. God always opens one door when He closes another.

I feel a bit empty inside. I know that statement can be taken literally if it need be, but what I mean is that something we had longed for and gotten so excited about is no longer within me. It's like a piece of you is missing, just gone. It's so hard to explain unless you've experienced it, but I know many have. It's just a matter of letting go and trusting God.

The procedure from what I understand went well. I've been very slow-moving, needing help to get from place to place. My throat has ached since having the tube inserted and removed. My stomach has been so sore... I can't imagine what I would have felt like if I went back to school today. I just wasn't ready yet. I plan to return to work tomorrow, if the Lord allows. I've learned to depend on my Heavenly Father to take care of our child, and I've learned to depend on Him and my husband to take care of me. The Lord has been good to us as strange as that sounds. He's filled our home with friends and family, flowers and food. All have been so loving and supportive. They have lifted us up when we couldn't lift ourselves, and I imagine there will be more days than not that we will need that lifting again... How good it is to be a child of God, to feel His presence and love in our home, to know that our child is sitting with Jesus even now. How blessed we are to already have one child in Heaven!

Job 1:21b states, "The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."

The Lord Gives AND Takes Away

And I've learned how true this scripture truly is in just one day...

Going for our second appointment and ultrasound in just 8 days yesterday, I've seen the miracle of life quickly taken away. We learned last Friday that we possibly had a "bad pregnancy," and this Friday we were told the baby had passed. We are saddened yes, but we know that our precious child is in the hands of God. What an amazing feeling that is! It's hard at the same time to understand it or even want to, but I know that my God is in control. How much sweeter is Heaven today? Much more than the day before.

Life is fragile, and God has given it to us as a gift. Take the time to love. Share laughter. Enjoy your quiet moments. Spend days with loved ones. Treasure your friendships. Be an honest person. Live life as Jesus did. Share God's greatest gift. Rejoice in sufferings. Pray without failure. Remember that God is NOT the author of confusion. Live without questions. Stop worrying over yesterday. Cherish today. Learn from the valleys. Look forward to the mountains. Have faith the size of a mustard seed. Love like Christ. Thank the Lord for His gifts to us. Thank Him when He chooses to take them away. Remember that HE is in control.

Thank you for your prayers. Surgery on Monday at 8 a.m. Remember us then, please.
May God's peace be with you today and forever,
Jenna