How Do You Do It?

I have been asked this question three times in the last twenty-four hours, and I've given three different answers.  However, the truth is that why and how I do it is all of grace.

You see, I've been the recipient of grace more times than I recount.  I received grace from my little sister when I repeatedly stole the spotlight.  I got grace from my momma when I wasn't willing to clean my room, fold my laundry, or do anything in a timely manner.  I found grace in the sight of my daddy when I came home late almost every single night.  I was given grace as a ten-year-old girl by my Lord and Savior when I begged Him to save me from my sins.  I found grace 14 months after I had miscarried our first child and held our first born son in my arms.  I am completely familiar with what grace is.

It is how I live each day being the mother of three small boys.  It is grace that gets me through our crazy breakfast routine which consists of making three different meals.  It is grace that reminds me that the messes they make are temporary.  It is grace that beckons me when I've reached my patience limit at only 9 o'clock.  It is grace that helps me tie every shoe, wipe every nose, change every diaper, clean every spill, correct every disobedient heart, prepare every specific meal, fight for every minute of nap time, spank for every sinful action, and wash every single load of laundry.  Grace is how I do it.

But, there are moments when, in my sin-filled, human heart, grace doesn't seem to be enough, and I throw my own little fits.  You see, I'm imperfect.  I don't always "grin and bear it."  I tend to play the part that I have it altogether, but I don't.  I'm as flawed as they come.  I once cried out to God to bless me with children, and now I'm blessed with three of them and still begging God for help.  I expected my children to be exactly as I had envisioned them...  obedient, quiet, clean, mild-mannered, and perfect.  I wanted their clothes to match, their mouths to be filled with kind words, their manners to be inherent, their hair to lay flat and always be brushed, their hearts to be full of love for those around them, and all of these other things that were dreams I thought needed to be fulfilled when I had each of them.

I learned quickly that my visions of perfection weren't going to come true.  Perfect isn't possible in this life, and yet I pushed it on each of our boys.  I push hard.  I cry.  I act like a child.  I yell.  I criticize.  And, when I finally have their attention and my own way, I realize how ridiculously sinful I have been.

It's through these precious boys that I have seen my sinful actions and faults, and I'm constantly running to my Father and begging for just a little bit more of HIS grace.  What I do isn't easy.  I don't always have it together.  I get really stressed and frustrated, and I usually take it out on my children.  But, I don't ever want them to think that grace isn't enough.  Because it is.  I'm learning that it's okay to apologize to a four-year-old for not trusting him (when I assumed he'd climbed the counter for another snack when he hadn't).  I'm seeing that it's necessary to ask my three-year-old for forgiveness when I've yelled a little too loudly.  I'm teaching my sixteen-month-old to say "sorry" by saying it to him when my frustration peaks at his need for being right under my feet.

If I don't teach these boys what grace is by showing it to them, I'm afraid they'll never know what God meant when He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9)."  Year from now, when they wonder how their mom did it, I want them to know the answer.  Grace, God's glorious, unmerited favor, freely given to me.

How do I do it, friends?  It's only by HIS grace...  and these sweet faces are worth it.

Post-bath crazy hair

Toasting their ice cream cups

Playing in baby brother's crib

Proudly wearing his mommy's Alaska shirt

Full bath of boys = Full heart for Mom

Cheesy grin

Mischievous smirk

Happy boy

Eating "curly" chips at Taco Bell

Smitten with Taco Bell's rice

Three.

There is just something about having three children that has really changed my life.  Be it that I now honestly have no time for myself or the fact that I really don't have enough arms...  or eyes.  It could be that I'm constantly picking up messes, changing diapers, making samliches (aka sandwiches), and praying that I'll actually get a shower each day. 

No matter how you see it, life changes when children enter into it.  It's not easy.  It's probably the most challenging thing I have personally ever done.  I lose my temper daily hourly.  I get frustrated, raise my voice, and get so tired of whining and needing to discipline.  There are days when I really wish God would let me go back to teaching, but most days, I realize that my job is to teach these three little boys to love Him.

You see, in these trying moments with my toddlers, I'm forced to lean on God in every circumstance.  I feel I'm far too impatient and unskilled to train them.  However, I'm facing up to the fact that God has allowed me this great opportunity, and He knows what I'm capable of even if I don't.  Despite my many imperfections as a mother, I'm learning to beg Him to change me so that my children can see the change He's done in me. 

Isn't that my job in life?  I was created and made to show others Christ in me.  He designed these boys for me, and He has given me the knowledge (and faith) to take each day as it comes.  Everyone is already asking when we'll have another, and honestly, I don't know what God has in store.  What I'm certain of is that these three boys are the best things God has used to change me and draw me closer to Him.  Life before this seems so incomplete without these precious faces in it.

Life Lately

I thought having two boys was tough...  you know, until I had three.  It's not necessarily hard; it is simply God's way of teaching me to love the life I've been given.  My days are much more exhausting and trying, but they are so full of love and laughter from way too early until way too late. 

Ever wondered what I do all day with three?  Yeah, so do I.  :)

We wear each others' shoes. 

Samuel and Daniel really enjoy walking around in each other's shoes.  Then, things get pretty hilarious when they start putting on Mommy's shoes.  It's more than I can take!

We play with toys. 

Elias has finally started to enjoy his bouncer.  He studies the toys then very seriously hits them.  The older brothers think he is so amazing when Elias moves his toys around. 

We improvise, invent, and pretend.

This blew my mind the other day.  Daniel had decided to empty out the Mega Blocks from the blue bucket and turn it into a basketball goal.  I kid you not.  He wedged the large plastic tote between the wall and the recliner, and the boys spent an hour tossing balls up into it.  It was quite inventive, if you ask me.

We make messes and have fun doing so.

Okay, so maybe I lied a little on that one because I find nothing fun about the messes the boys make.  Nothing at all.  But, when I look around (for example, in the above picture) and see the stains on the carpet, I know that our two precious boys made them, and as annoyingly frustrating as it is to clean all day long, I am so thankful that they enjoy their home.  It's not nice or fancy, but it's their play place, the place where they learn and love.

We fight, play, and love.

It's a cycle we go through every single day about a hundred times.  One minute they're playing perfectly together, the next they are biting each other.  One minute they are kissing the baby, and the next they are suffocating him by lying on top of him. 

The things I do most lately are spanking, hugging, holding, and cleaning, and I like it.  Because I'm reminded of God in every thing I do.  He is constantly spanking, hugging, holding, and cleaning me.  So, while this life with three boys is ever-so challenging, I find it purely perfect. 

Thoughts on Three

Today, I'm on my own.  With three little boys.  Did I mention that I am by myself?!

Both Brian and my mom had taken two weeks off of work when Elias was born, and here we are, two weeks later, and I am on my own.  I feared the worst, to be honest.  Last night, I was so overwhelmed with the day ahead that I could barely sleep.  However, despite the fact that it's only 2:00 in the afternoon, the boys and I have already had showers, arrived ON TIME to the pediatrician's office, took a trip to the grocery, and ate lunch and a snack.  Currently, not a single child is crying.  The older boys are playing together in their room, and Elias is napping.  What did I have to fear?!  Sure, there have been moments today when I almost lost it...  for starters, how in the world did I forget wipes when packing the diaper bag?!  Why did I not have an extra shirt for MYSELF in the van?!  AND, what was I thinking when I thought going to get four gallons of milk with three kids in tow was a good idea?! 

I'm learning a lot about parenting, motherhood, children, and myself during this precious time.  People said we were going to have our hands full when they learned we were pregnant with Elias.  People also said that three under three was insane.  They mentioned that we'd go crazy, go nowhere, and get very little sleep.  While some of that may be true, my thoughts on having three are a bit different than those given to me prior to Elias' arrival and the transition from two children to three under three. 

Here are just a few:

• It takes at least 10 minutes to load the van, 20 minutes to change diapers and potty, and 30 minutes to pack to go anywhere. 
• Even with a mini-van, there is not enough room for us all.  Our car seats, extra clothing and diapers, and collection of strollers take up more space than should be allowed. 
• Diapers/Pull-ups/Overnites for three children are more expensive than gas.  I'm so thankful for the stockpile I've created in my garage.
• There is no diaper bag big enough to carry everything we need when we're all together, and sometimes, each child needs a bag of their own. 
• 30+ pounds aren't that heavy until you bring home an 8 pound baby.  My toddlers are breaking my back on a daily basis.
• Forget not having enough hands...  I don't have enough eyes or ears to keep up with the boys!
• Lack of sleep never is easy.  Even if you are used to it.  Going to bed early is key.
• Hand-me-downs are amazing.  Dressing our children would be impossible without them.  This is why I have yet to consign ANYTHING of ours.
• Lunch is the hardest hour of the day.  The older two cry if they don't get what they want, the baby is screaming for what he wants, and I am doing my best to hold it together!  :)
• If I can manage getting them in it, riding in the van with all three boys is my favorite thing.  They are all happy and contained.
• Doctor visits are nuts.  I really don't know any other way to explain it.
• Sickness spreads like wildfire.
• It's not as bad as I thought.  Really, it isn't.
• One-on-one with each child is super important.  I can tell my older ones crave my attention, and I love giving it to them.  
• Going is easier than staying.  Believe it or not, as difficult as loading them up is, we are all content when we get out of the house...  if only for a few minutes.
• Grocery carts aren't convenient for parents.  They just aren't roomy enough.  Where am I supposed to put my groceries once I get my kids in the cart?!
• I feel humbled.  I notice people looking at me as if I'm insane to have so many kids, but I realize that God is the giver of life and He has given me three little ones to care for.  I'm seriously honored to have this hectic, crazy life.  

Things I'm Getting Good at Repeating

• Lord, if this baby could just come today...
• It is so hot in here.
• Did you turn off the air?
• Daniel, stay out of the refrigerator.
• You cannot have another snack.  You've already had 4.
• Daniel, where does pee-pee go?  
• Son, please hurry up.
• We are late, that's why.
• Because I said so, that's why.
• Come here.
• Stay out of the closet!
• This is your warning, Daniel.  
• Samuel, a bowl is the same as a (ziploc) bag.  Just eat your snack.
• You are not eating anymore _____.  Your belly is going to be sick!
• Whoa, be easy!
• Get OFF of him!
• Keep your hands to yourself.
• Take your shoes off.  We aren't going anywhere.
• Baby, I'm sorry.  We cannot go shopping at Target today.
• I'm sorry, sweetie.  I can't take you to Chicken Lay again today.
• You are NOT sick.  You do NOT need to go to the doctor.
• A sucker is the last thing you need.
• Those are Samuel's shorts.  Why are YOU wearing them?
• Mommy's sorry for being too tired for Play-doh.
• Please do NOT make a mess with that.
• I can't take you outside right now.  Maybe when Mommy's not so big...
• Three boys?  Lord, how in the world?!

It's quite obvious from my most-used phrases lately that life is a bit hectic and overwhelming.  It could be that I am nine months pregnant and hormonal, but I am beginning to realize that there are only a few days left before this baby comes and I'll no longer be a mother of two.  It's hard to imagine how life could change any more than it already does on a constant basis, but I know that God has great plans for our family.  I'm excited to see what's in store.  While my current position is challenging at times, I don't want to take one crazy, frustrated, wild moment for granted.  I am so blessed.  I really, really am.

Three Years Ago Today...

Three years ago today, I had no idea what was coming.  I wasn't feeling all that well, but I was 39 weeks pregnant, and honestly, no one feels that well at that point.  However, I went to church with Brian anyway that Sunday, and it was difficult.  I was breathing heavily and extremely uncomfortable.

That afternoon, I took a nap and woke feeling a lot of pain.  Immense pain.  My back was aching, and though the contractions weren't regular, I knew something wasn't right.  Throughout the evening hours, I continued experiencing contractions, but they weren't consistent and I wasn't sure what was going on. 

I suppose it was the pain that I was in that caused Brian to worry.  I was crawling on the floor and leaning over the coffee table to keep from hurting quite so badly.  I cannot remember what time it was, but he made the decision to call the doctor.  I, on the other hand, was exclaiming I wouldn't go to the hospital until my water broke.  It was not breaking despite all the pain. 

The doctor said we should go to the hospital and get checked.  The ride there was excruciating, and the thoughts of natural childbirth quickly left my mind.  I remember telling Brian while in the car, "If I am not at least at a 4 when we get there, they are going to HAVE to give me something."  To my dismay, I was only dilated to 2 when we arrived, but they decided to keep me overnight.

The next day, on April 20th, we would welcome our firstborn son, Daniel Benjamin, into the world.  However, it was a long night beforehand, and I was in labor for around 23 hours before we held Daniel in our arms. 

Looking back now, I see why God chose this amazing child for us.  He is so full of energy and life while our marriage had been filled, up until Daniel's birth, with death.  We'd lost a child to miscarriage, buried two grandparents, and wept over the losses of both of Brian's parents.  Things hadn't been easy. 

When we became pregnant with Daniel, we were ecstatic and scared.  Loss filled our minds, but peace filled our hearts.  God had given me an awesome pregnancy, with a little boy who was super busy.  In the womb, this little being moved with such fierce force.  He rarely was still.  At night, I would lie awake as he kicked and pushed with all he had.  He was determined to let me know he was there.  What a foreshadowing this was!

Three years later, I'm pregnant with Daniel's second baby brother, and while I'm enthralled to be carrying this child at this point, I'm busy reminiscing over my precious firstborn at this moment.  Daniel has been everything I never imagined I could have.  I look into his eyes and see so much of God.  I look at his face and see so much of his Daddy.  I look at his actions and see so much of myself.  He's genuinely caring and perfectly rambunctious.  He's amazingly athletic and quite intellectual.  He's ridiculously meticulous and strangely determined.  He's thrillingly in love with Jesus and reading about Him.  He's constantly in trouble and consistently learning.  He's terribly social and awesomely brave.  He's insanely frustrating at times and exactly what we need all the time. 

Oh, how blessed we are to have him!  Daniel was the answer to so many prayers...  prayers of much-needed happiness, prayers for new life, and prayers that we thought could never be answered.  Yet, here he is, one day away from turning three years old, and my heart is filled with such happiness, life, and joy because of who Daniel is and WHO allowed me to have him. 

There are days when this sweet, almost three-year-old rocks me to the core and pushes my buttons as no one else can, but today, I'm simply in love with him.  I'm deeply, truly, and madly thankful to be Daniel's mommy.  And if nothing else, I'm grateful to my God for the gift we were anticipating three years ago today.  I cannot wait to celebrate his third birthday TOMORROW!

Entertainment Weekly :)

It has become a weekly, actually daily challenge...  that is, entertaining my toddlers.  Up until recently, Samuel was very easily entertained, finding a variety of not-so-interesting items from around the house to play with, while Daniel has constantly needed me to help him stay busy.  I don't mind the challenge; it's just NOT an easy one. 

Daniel loves to be on the go.  He wakes every single morning asking where we're going.  He likes to shop, go to school and begs to be at church, visit family and friends, and simply BE in the van.  If he believes we are headed somewhere, he is the happiest child alive.  However, if he thinks he has to stay at home, he's miserable.  Samuel could honestly care less, but he's going to follow Daniel to the end.  So, whatever Daniel's doing, be it throwing toilet paper into the potty or pretending to be a dog - licking everything in sight, Samuel will more than likely be right in the mess.  I love how their personalities have grown into "going" children.  It gives me hope that one day they'll love to be working and going for their Lord, but as for now, I just haven't been able to keep them entertained for very long.

This morning, for instance, despite all the toys in our home and PBS kids on television, they are running from one side of the living room to the other and landing straight into the couch.  While my couch can only take so much, I wonder if any of you have ideas on what to do on a daily basis to help make the day go by more quickly. 

What do YOU do with your children each day if you've been given the role of stay-at-home mom?  Keep in mind that our children are 2 and 1, and I'm in my 3rd trimester with my third.  I cannot lift and do extremely strenuous activities.

Overwhelmed Much?

I am reminded on numerous occasions how overwhelming being a stay-at-home parent really is.  I wish I could say that most days are rosy and that the boys and I are busy doing crafts and learning their ABCs, but let's face it...

Just Tuesday afternoon, while I ran into the master bath for a quick restroom break, I had no idea how overwhelmed I'd be once I walked into the living room.  In the short time it took me to use the restroom, Daniel had snapped two of his train sets together on the coffee table, opened the fridge (on his own), climbed the fridge shelves, got out the carton of eggs, brought them into the living room, encouraged his brother to partake in the fun, and proceeded to crack every single egg onto the tracks, which of course, ended up all over the coffee table, my carpet, and the two of them!  I should've taken a picture, but I was so frustrated with the situation that I didn't even yell.  "Daniel, really?!" was all I mustered up to say.  The clean-up process literally took an hour.  UGH.

Then, on Wednesday morning, I had the great privilege of sharing our pregnancy news with my local MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) group.  When asked what the ages of my other children were, I replied that I'd have kids that were "3, 2, and new," and to my not-so surprise, the women (who are all mothers themselves) gasped...  All 50+ of them!  Moments like that are both exciting and overwhelming, because I realize that having three under three will not be easy.  Having two isn't easy...  Honestly, having one isn't easy. 

Having children is a constant OVERWHELMING adjustment, and it's one I adore most of the time.  There are days that I wonder how God decided I would be capable of this.  However, I'm realizing that God's grace is enough for me.  It's sufficient in these overwhelming moments of parenthood.  I'm learning that I cannot survive without His grace.  In fact, each day would be even more challenging than it already is without my life in Christ.  It's a blessing knowing that this is the life God chose for me.  He decided that the two boys who are destroying my nicely, vacuumed living room right this minute would be perfect for me.  I get shell-shocked everytime I think of that.  What's really overwhelming is that God gave me this beautiful, little life, and it's mine to enjoy if I will.  How can I not be overwhelmed by His grace when I picture these overwhelming moments like that?!

Behind LOCKED Doors...

It has got to be every mothers' fear to be separated from her children.  There is just something about not knowing where they are or what they are doing when we cannot see their sweet faces.  My heart aches for parents whose children are missing or have gone on to be with Jesus long before it was their time.  With that being said, I realize that my short story of the day seems incomparible to those who've endured much more difficult circumstances.  However, the fear that the adversary would have us all encounter came all to quickly to me today.
Without thinking anything of it, I stepped out in the garage this afternoon to grab a pack of diaper wipes off the shelf and to get each boys' riding toy (On these hot days, I dare not take the boys out in the heat!).  I hadn't made it to the shelf when I realized a cup must have fallen from the van and had created a very large ant mound in the garage!  I have a thing with ants, meaning I literally despise them, but they keep finding their way into my house.  Nevertheless, I ran back into the house to grab our ever-present-help-in-times-of-need ant spray, walked back out to the garage, and quietly closed the door behind me.

I sprayed with such determination, I was almost surprised that neither of the boys had tried to open the door and get to me.  When I'd finished the job, I got the wipes and the toys, and headed back to the door.  It was at that point, I realized I was in a mess.

There I was, in the dead of summer, locked inside the garage, outside of my house, with my two children inside.  I figured that maybe Samuel had grabbed the lock accidentally and did it, because if it'd been Daniel, he'd been screaming, "Yay, I did it!"  However, what blessed my heart (despite being scared to death) was the fact that Daniel did begin screaming soon thereafter.  He was yelling, "Mommy, where are you?  I skeered."  He was banging on the door trying to get himself to me. 

I was honestly in panic mode trying to figure out how I was going to get back in the house!  At the time, I didn't realize how easily that could have taken place, but it was hot and I couldn't see my boys!  I slowly told Daniel what to do.  I didn't think there'd be any way in the world my 2-year-old would listen to directions, but he did what he had to do.  He did exactly as I told him.  Within minutes, I was in the foyer, loving on Daniel.

Can you imagine how the Father feels to be separated from HIS children?  There are so many times I find myself way too far away from His presence, and I wonder how to get closer to Him.  It's not that difficult because God never is far away from us.  He will never leave us if we are saved by His grace.  However, our separation from Him must hurt God so deeply.  God's doors are open...  Do not lock yourself out.

Things That Make Me...

Crazy:

• Stealing.
• Hearing my 2 year old say, "Stop it!"
• When both boys are crying.
• Diapers that don't hold together too well.
• Wet beds.
• Poo-poo in the pants and not in the potty.
• The fridge's water dispenser.
• Children's snacks attracting ants.
• Watching Samuel fall while walking.
• Having to deal with bibs.

Angry:

• Daniel's strange sleeping patterns or lack thereof.
• Staying up too late.
• Not getting my to-do list accomplished.
• Bugs. 
• Finding ants in the cereal cabinet!
• Smooshed grapes.
• Spitting children.

Frustrated:

• Piles of laundry.
• Children that can climb gates.
• Spilled juice.
• The timeout technique.  Enough said.
• When Daniel pulls all the dvds out.
• When Daniel gets out all of the batteries.
• When naptime ends.
• Not getting a shower.

Laugh:

• When Daniel begs for, "Do-wa."  (Dora the Explorer)
• When my children make each other CRACK UP!
• Finding Daniel naked.
• When Daniel kisses Samuel's booty.
• Samuel's cheesy grin.
• Samuel's excitement over snacks!
• Daniel's love of candy!
• When Daniel says, "Here it comes!" while waiting for dvds to load.
• Children dancing!

Humble:

• "Goodnight Mommy."
• When I've prayed too long, "AMEN!"
• When I tell Daniel, "Stand up," while changing his clothes, he'll say, "FOR JESUS!"
• Hugs.
• Tight hugs.
• Blown kisses.
• Holding my hand to, "Show you sumthin."

Blessed:

• Blue eyes.
• Bug bites.
• Dirty clothes.
• Trails of toys.
• Crumbs for critters.
• Meals with my two babies.
• Finding deals on things I could never purchase!
• Having sweet sisters in the Lord.
• Knowing there are two babies waiting for me in Heaven.
• Realizing I have a ministry, right here in my home.
• Learning that each day is God's gift to me.
• Texts from my husband.
• Love I don't deserve.
• Having a know-so, never-goes salvation.
• Family that knows me too well.
• Being held in the arms of God.  :)

Time for a Lunch Break

We get awfully busy around this house.  I mean, there are actually nights when I get in bed and wonder if my kids saw my face that day or only in passing!  Thankfully, there are moments when the Lord just slows me down and shows me His goodness...  Usually, it's staring right back at me.  :)

So, without many words, I just wanted to share these pictures of Daniel from lunch a week ago.  It's a lunch break I'll always treasure, because from across the table, I watched as my firstborn shared his many precious faces.  If this face cannot slow a Momma down, then God surely will use it to do so!

Can I Share More?

I had a feeling I was pregnant when we traveled to Gatlinburg in the middle of November, but didn't know for sure until I started craving apples later in that week.  On the way home from the trip, we stopped at Dollar General and bought a test.  To our surprise, we saw a second, faint pink line appear.  It was faint, so we waited until the next morning to take another test, which proved negative.  Days later, I was still late, and got the notion to buy a digitial pregnancy test, which after reading the results, Brian and I were certain that "Pregnant" could not be mistaken.

We were shocked.  Stunned.  Silenced.  We couldn't believe the Lord was blessing us with another pregnancy.  We were so amazed that we decided to keep this pregnancy a secret until we got more information from our doctor.  I was tired over the next few weeks.  Very tired.  I didn't have any other symptom other than wanting to eat apples.  Have I mentioned I highly dislike apples?!  With both boys' pregnancies, I craved apples. 

When we went for our first appointment, we were given the due date of July 22, 2011.  We also had an ultrasound.  According to my last cycle, I should have been approximately 8-9 weeks, but the baby measured at 6 weeks and 1 day.  The doctor didn't show any cause for concern other than our dates may be off and decided it'd be best for me to come back in two weeks for a second ultrasound.  We weren't exactly worried, but we could not make the dates work in our minds.  We had actually thought that my previous cycle was a miscarriage because it was so strange, but with this new pregnancy, there was no way it could have been.  So we waited...

However, two days before my scheduled ultrasound and while visiting family in West TN, I began bleeding.  It was off and on for the next few hours, so I didn't worry too much.  I just wanted to get home.  When we left that night, my husband's aunt Christy asked if I had news to share...  I'm wishing now that I would have, but I was spotting and wasn't sure of anything.

We called the doctor the next morning and had our ultrasound that afternoon.  The news was not good.  We were, in fact, almost 11 weeks along, but the baby had passed at 6 weeks and 1 day.   I was in the process of miscarrying.  The pain was excruciating, but my heart was calm.  I was hurt and upset, but so peaceful.  I laid in bed that night crying over the loss of this child when the Lord spoke Psalm 30:5 to me, "For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  Oh, how sweet those words were to a grieving mother! 

As I waited on the Lord that night, He gave me the name, Elisabeth Joy, for our baby.  I immediately texted it to Brian as he was studying in his office across the hall, and we both cried.

The next two days were hard.  In and out of the hospital with pain and enduring the loss of what would have been our fourth child.  In February 2008, we miscarried our first, Ethan Caleb.  In April 2009, we delivered Daniel Bejamin ,who is now 20 months old.  In May 2010, we welcomed Samuel Levi, who is now 7 months old.  We would have expected Elisabeth Joy in July 2011, but God's plans were different and we look forward to meeting her one day.

It sounds difficult and my heart may seem sad, but it isn't.  My heart is full with what God has done for me.  He has seen fit to bless my husband and me with a fourth child.  We now have two babies in Heaven.  We also have two amazing babies here with us.  In all honesty, I have looked at Daniel and Samuel in a different light since losing this baby...  I've noticed how blessed I am to have them, what gifts they truly are, and when God gives us children, they are only ours to borrow.  I am excited (and scared) to share this story with you because it will be heart-breaking to some, but to others, it will be encouragement. 

God has given me these four children, whether on earth or in Heaven, as part of His story to share through me.  I want to inspire others to trust Him, take Him at His Word, and love Him for what He does and does not do.  I want to let Him shine through me be it through tragedy and loss or in joy and happiness.  I am His, and whatever I have or have been given is His to take.  What an honor to realize that through this baby...  I had to share her story.

Elisabeth Joy

Big Trouble, Mister

Daniel happened upon quite a few ten spankings today... I know, it's hard to think about punishment and discipline when a child is only 20 months old, but it rendered itself completely necessary today. Not to mention, the Bible says that to spare the rod means to spoil the child. For future reference, son, these are things that made Mommy almost pull her hair out and got you in quite a bit of trouble with her.

1. Ripping the gate down (which subsequently was actually wired to the wall) and climbing over it to turn off Mommy's embroidery machine in the middle of her embroidering!
2. Playing with the electric socket UNDER the Christmas tree
3. Using baskets and boxes to climb upon the foyer table or high enough to touch the flat screen t.v. or just enough to get "Baby Jesus" from Mommy's nativity set from off of the ledge in the kitchen
4. Tearing 14 pages out of your coloring book, rolling them into little balls, and throwing them all over the house
5. Pulling every. single. perfectly. stacked. and shelved. book. off of the shelf in your room three different times
6. Throwing every. single. item. from your plate onto Mommy's freshly swept and steamed kitchen floor
7. Coloring on the walls
8. Getting the bells off of the Christmas tree, putting them in your mouth, shaking your head, and running away laughing with a mouth full when Mommy tells you to "Get that out of your mouth, right now!"
9. Screaming at the top of your lungs when you rip pages out of your new Thomas the Train book on purpose
10. Sitting on Samuel's head causing him to turn a certain shade of bluish-red when Mommy is cooking on the stove in the kitchen

But, in all honesty, I am in love with this child. He makes everyday more eventful than I could have ever imagined. I seriously couldn't come up with this stuff on my own! Daniel is so amazingly clever, mischievious, and curious, and without him, life would be incredibly dull. I thank God for my rambunctious child; what a gift he is to me!

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

For four weeks, you have had a cough.  It didn't seem to bother you that much.  In fact, you have been more active than ever!  You have been screaming and throwing terrible tantrums, but you have been the happiest boy.  It became somewhat bothersome at times when you would play and get really worked up, but you hadn't had any other symptoms...  no fever or runny nose.  Nothing out of the ordinary until I noticed some white bumps on the inside of your mouth.  That is when I decided to call your pediatrician.

You waited so patiently in the pediatrician's office this afternoon.  You played for two whole hours with the sink and trashcan in the room.  You were restless when the doctor would come and go, and he came and went quite a bit today.  When he first came in, he just looked in your ears and listened to you breathe.  He made a face when he placed his stethoscope on your back and heard what must have been wheezing.  He left only to come back with a sweet nurse who held a large instrument in her hand.  She put it into both of your ears until it beeped; you sat so very still while all of this was taking place.  We waited for the results. 

What seemed like hours passed until the doctor returned with your results.  There was so much fluid behind both of your ears that you failed the pressure test they had given you.  The doctor claimed that this explained your moods and fits as of late but didn't have anything to do with your persistant cough.  He began listening to your chest again.  You laughed when he tickled your belly with his stethoscope, and you really liked looking at his red bow tie.  However, the news we received about you didn't make us laugh.  To be honest, it was overwhelming and frightening. 

I left with three prescriptions and one tired little boy.  You said, "Shoe!" when I got you into the van, indicating you wanted me to take off your tennis shoes.  I worried the whole way home.  I remember watching my Dad have coughing fits and always wondered if he was going to stop breathing.  He'd pull out his inhaler, and all would be normal again.  I couldn't help but feel scared of losing him but was always thankful for that blue tool that made him well.

Yours is red.  It fits into a barreled chamber that has a small face mask on it.  I am to put the inhaler into the top of the chamber and put the end with the mask over your face.  You will get two pumps four times a day.  This, my son, explains your cough and what will hopefully make it easier for you to bear. 

I'm fearful of what this may mean for your future, I must admit, but I was reminded tonight as I rocked you to sleep that I will carry you for the rest of my life.  I'll carry your burdens and hurt when you do.  I'll cry when you're upset and laugh when you make me.  I'll protect you when I can and take care of you always.  Sweet Daniel, there will be times when I can't, though; I'm just not big enough or capable of doing so.  Just like I mentioned tonight as I prayed over you, only God can carry us both, and God knows what your future holds.

I'm so thankful for you, Daniel.  You've made me a stronger person, and you've taught me what it means to parent.  You've shown me how to laugh and how to love whole-heartedly.  You've made my worst days more incredible than I could have ever imagined, and you've brought more joy to my life than I can put into words.  I love who you are and the amazing personality you possess.  You take everything in stride.  You stand right back up when you fall.  You laugh when you don't get your way.  You take the first breaths from your inhaler with pride, and you never flinch.  You just smile... You were so proud of yourself, and baby boy, I was too.  There has never been a time when I've been more honored to be your mom.  I thank God that He's given me you. 

With ALL of my heart,
Mommy

It's All Happening a Bit TOO Fast

Right before my eyes, my little boys seem not so little already. 

Daniel has his molars coming in.  In just a week, he grew, like 7 teeth.  I'm not joking or exaggerating.  He started Mother's Day Out on Tuesday the 17th and did wonderfully.  He didn't even cry when I left him.  Weird, right?! 

In the midst of Daniel's changes, Samuel's been gaining weight like a champ.  We went for their 2 month and 15 month well appointments, and Samuel had gained 5 pounds in a month.  Wow, right?!  He's now rolling over and smiling constantly. 

As a parent, I'm so excited for changes, but at the same time, I just want them to be little forever.  Is this what happens when you become a parent?  Time literally flies.  When I was a child, a week seemed like an eternity, but as a mom, my child has learned to say "Thank you," in just one short day.  Really?! 

God, thank You for the subtle reminders to enjoy every single second I've been given with my children.  Help me to remember that this will go by quickly and to never wish any of it by.  Thank You for their sweet smiles (one of which is now FILLED with pearly whites) and for the gifts You've given me in each of them.  I'm so blessed, Father.  Does it go by fast to You as well? 

I Have Some Serious Blogging To Do...

but it must wait until ALL of my other priorities are in order.

For example, I ♥ Daniel, Samuel, and Brian.
I also am fairly fond of painting, embroidering, and crafting these days.

So, of course, these all get me first, if you know what I mean.

Please Disregard...

The disheveled look on my face.
The sweat dripping from my forehead.
The lack of makeup.
The wrinkles in my clothes.
The idea that I may actually remember our conversation.
The drool on my left shoulder.
The leftover Cheerios in my car's seats.
The exhaustive way I enter and leave a room.

I can't help it, but this is how it goes almost every day.  I've realized that life is hard with two babies.  It just is.  I find myself so overwhelmed lately.  I imagine I'm not the only mother who feels this way.  However, I finally took some time tonight to talk with my 11-week-old. 

I flat out had a sit-down talk with my baby and told him that I was so sorry.  I knew I needed to apologize to him after the night he'd had and for the way I'd handled our life lately.   I told Samuel I was sorry for letting him cry a little too long, not immediately changing his dirty diapers, paying more attention for safety's sake to his big brother, not holding him enough throughout the day, missing out on some of his accomplishments, not capturing every single day on film, and not being the mom I feel as though I should be to him. 

And...  you want to know what his reply was? 

He smiled.  Right at me.  He cooed and grinned then melted my heart with his big, blue eyes and brown, curly hair.  In our short five minute "conversation", Samuel made me realize just how grateful I am for this time.  For feeling so overwhelmed I could bust.  For feeling completely inadequate as a parent.  For feeling so helpless and weak.  Because, let's face it, parents all feel that way.

The tears filled my eyes as I was reminded of how God chose me.  He placed Daniel and Samuel directly in my hands.  He filled my life with their little smiles.  He decided that I was to be their mother, and that in itself is the most humbling, gratifying fact in all of this.  The fact that God knew I'd be a mess.  He knew I'd make mistakes and have to leave one child crying while helping another.  He knew I'd have days where nothing was accomplished and that I'd be so angry and tired over cries that seemed to never cease.  Yet, HE. CHOSE. ME.  God gave them to me, and though I know these two children are not mine to keep, God gave them to me. 

Wow. 

Please disregard my repetitions, ramblings, and rantings.  Just know that I'm a bit out of it for a while.  At least until they are out of diapers and can walk on their own without throwing tantrums if you hold their hands and can get in/out of the car by themselves.  Yeah, it may be a while, but God loves it.  He sees beauty in the messes and knows that I'm still a work He's progressing.  He reminds me daily how blessed I truly am and that there will come a day when these frustrations are distant memories of how He loved me enough to give me two.

A Diaper Just Made Me Cry...

Seriously.

I ran out of newborn diapers (I literally can praise God for the fact that I've got friends who've provided us with two whole months of diapers), and I realized I had a pack of 1's (of course from friends) to put on Samuel this morning.  I teared up, not because I ran out of diapers, but because my baby is already growing up.  It happened that fast...

I realized how quickly time was passing the other day when Daniel and I were sitting at the kitchen table, he in his booster seat and I in my chair, and I handed him his own peanut butter and jelly on wheat sandwich.  I watched for what seemed like hours as this almost-15-month-old handled his own sandwich.  He fed himself his entire lunch, and though I knew these times were coming, I wasn't exactly sure how I'd feel when they hit.

I didn't know that having children would make me grow up.  I didn't understand how deeply my heart could love and how desperately I want to raise them "right."  I didn't realize how I badly I could worry and how much it hurt to see them cry.  I didn't know it would make me love my husband more and appreciate my parents more than words can express.  Most importantly, I just didn't know that God could care for me this much...

I look into the eyes of my children and feel so blessed, and yet I am so humbled by the fact that God loves me more than I could ever fathom loving my own.  I cannot imagine how much He hurts when I break His heart or end up outside of His will.  I cannot picture what it must be like watching Your own children have kids of their own, yet knowing YOU created both of them must be more fulfilling than anything this world has to offer.  What does it feel like to know that YOU hold their lives in YOUR hands and that YOU are in charge of time? 

So, today as I slipped that size 1 diaper onto my ever-changing, constantly-growing son, my eyes filled with tears knowing that these moments are quickly passing, and God, I cannot thank You enough for each second I have with them.  They are such amazing gifts, and God, YOU are the gift and the giver.  Help me always to cherish this time.  It's going by so fast...

What Would You Do?

What would you do if your toddler discovered how to open up the kitchen cabinets?
You'd baby-proof.
Check.

What would you do if your toddler figured out how to get into the dishwasher?
You'd gate OFF the kitchen.
Check.

What would you do if your toddler learned how to open up the baby-proof latches?
And...
What would you do if your toddler was smart enough to shimmy his way UNDER the locked gate?

This MAY be what you'd find:

I was super busy this morning with my 3 week old, who now has a mild case of colic, when I realized my almost 14 month old was way too quiet.  I came out of the bedroom to see Daniel in the "kitchen/office" area.  If that's not enough, considering he had to hold up the gate, crawl under it, and not get stuck in the process, I was pretty S-H-O-C-K-E-D to find that he'd pulled out my desk chair, gotten up in it to climb onto my desk, pull out my drawer of ribbon, and have T-W-O pairs of open scissors in his hands!

Wow.  So, what did I do?

I pulled out my camera, of course, because I knew no one would believe me.
:)
 

 

You Wouldn't Know It...

But I have two babies on my hands.  They're not twins, but they might as well be!

I'm busy with pumping, feeding the baby, cleaning, cooking, burping the baby, cutting up food for the toddler, teaching the tot to drink through a straw, changing diaper(S), washing clothes, following the 13-month-old, making sure big brother doesn't strangle/smack/kill the little brother, saying "NO" to the tot, trying to keep the pacifiers in the baby's mouth while toddler tries to take them out, picking up toys, laying one down for a nap while the other is screaming, attempting a double stroller, healing from labor, getting the older one to say words like "Samuel," "Please," "Thank you," and "Yes," learning to live completely on a schedule, going through 15 million baby/toddler clothes' changes, and loving on them as much as possible!

Oh, it's so much fun and so exhausting and so fulfilling and such a blessing. 

However, I honestly cannot find a single minute to:  show pictures of my daily events, post about these precious boys, and not to mention, find the actual USB cord to actually upload pictures to my computer. 

So, I'll get to doing that eventually...