My Heart Aches for You...

Oh, how I wish you were with me today. As I worried over myself with the aches and pains of pregnancy, I didn't think of you today as I should have. I didn't worry over you, and the thought of you didn't hurt me as it used to. I didn't speak your name, and now, it hurts because I didn't.

I want to say it now. I would shout it from the rooftop if I knew it would help. It doesn't. Each time I think of you, it makes me extremely proud. I am so thankful that you were mine; if only for a few short weeks, you truly were mine. I cannot be saddened when I think of you now. I am so happy for you, and there are times when I long to be with you.

It's not time yet. I have to be here. I have the great opportunity of being pregnant and being married to a man I know you would have loved. I am learning each day that God is completely in control, and having realized that, I was able to deal with you being gone.

I imagine you walking down the streets of Heaven today. You would be five months old today if the Lord would have allowed me to carry you, but it was a year ago today that we learned your heart had never beat inside my womb. I lost you one year ago today...

Oh, Ethan Caleb, how I miss you and how proud of you I am. I am sorry for each day that goes by and I don't say your sweet name. I am sorry you will never meet your brother, Elijah Thomas. I am so sorry that you aren't here with us, but I'll never forget how much better off you really are.

My heart hurts sometimes when I am asked if the child I am carrying now is our first, and my immediate reaction is, "Yes." You see, it aches because Elijah isn't our first. You are my first. You are the one I wanted to hold first. You are the one I longed for and the one my heart begged the Lord for, and yet the Lord took you straight into His arms. At first, that was hard for your mommy and daddy to understand, but now, it fills our hearts with complete joy. It makes Heaven so much sweeter knowing you are there waiting for us...

I wish you were here, Ethan. I wish I could hold you. I wish I knew your face. I wish it was easier than it is. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth... The truth is that your Father, the one you are with right now, loves you more than I do. He considered you absolutely perfect and decided He wanted you with Him. Do you know how special you are? Do you know that you are thought of and missed so very much? When I say my heart aches, it isn't bad, sweet baby. It aches to be in Heaven with you.

This Side of Heaven

I know I've talked about Ethan often, but I can't help but think of him everyday. It seems as if he just could be in the other room, but then I realize God has taken him and I am left with this deafening silence and unbearable emptiness. I am not sad that he's gone, because I know his reward in Heaven is FAR GREATER than anything Brian and I could have given him here. Yet my heart aches for him and longs to hold him on THIS SIDE of Heaven...

I know that this isn't possible. I know that God has put 17 (seventeen may be a slight exaggeration but ONLY slight) different pregnant women around me to help me understand that our time is not "this time." I know that there are children in my life everyday and I have no reason to complain, but when I think that none of these are mine, I can't help but feel the pain of losing Ethan all over again.

I know that my fear of babies since losing him is irrational. I get completely overwhelmed when I see a baby boy or the clothes I "might have" bought for him or hear a child cry. I passed a little boy in a brown and turquoise polka dot stroller the other day and nearly choked 1) because of the baby himself, 2) because who would have imagined a boy's stroller in polka dots, and 3) Heaven only knows that that could have been mine! All of this sounds crazy, and I realize it. But then again, until you've experienced it for yourself, which I pray NEVER has to happen for you, you'll soon learn that all of these things are completely normal.

I know I'll hold him one day. I know he'll show us around Heaven, and that, in the mean time, he's in the upmost care. He's with MY FATHER. Why am I so sad about that? Why can I not look at a baby without seeing him? Why is holding a baby such a fear now?

I know that these have been my thought pattern for the past 2 months. I'm not saying it's okay but it is what it is. God has a funny way of showing you to move on from certain things...

I sat at the zoo today with my Kindergarteners when a dear friend and chaperone brought her little baby girl, Eden, over and sat her in my lap. Eden can't be more than 4-5 months old, but when this friend was learning of her girl in the womb, Brian and I were discussing names in case something should happen. Eden was one of those names! I was completely scared to death to touch her, let alone HOLD HER. But as I did, I realized there was a reason for all of this. I don't understand it, and I never will on this side of Heaven. It's not for me to question. It's for God above to work out and show me what time is "the right time." But just in case he doesn't know:

Ethan, Mommy misses you on this side of Heaven.

A Heavy Heart

What's actually heavier than a heavy heart?

Throughout my years, I've never once found anything more difficult than a heart that's been broken, busy aching, or deeply burdened. I've had my share of all of these. The teenage years of dating taught me what a broken heart was. None of these proved serious, and eventually God showed up and showed me how silly my sadness was. My aching heart comes into play when I've seen or heard of something that upsets me. From childless marriages and lack of parenting, to this upcoming 2008 election and every evening news I watch, my heart just yearns for changes in these situations, yet my aching heart doesn't do anything for helping those involved. A burdened heart is one I'm quite familiar with.

I remember the first time I ever was burdened; it came when I was 10-years-old at church. The pastor had asked for a handshake from the church, and as I went around the circle, clasping hands with friends and the adults, my heart started feeling incredibly heavy. That was the moment when I realized that that heavy feeling I would sometimes get throughout my life would be the Holy Spirit moving in me. This, just so happened, to the be first time I ever experienced it. But Jesus said in Matthew 11:29-30, "Become my servants and learn from me. I am gentle and free of pride. You will find rest for your souls. Serving me is easy, and my burden is light." So immediately, I realized my condition: the Lord was working in my heart and offering His plan of salvation to me. It was nothing I had done to deserve Him, but He came to me. I humbly bowed and prayed for that burden to be lifted, and within minutes, He had taken my burden upon Himself, and I was saved and free.

I think now that then I thought my life would be free of burdens because of that moment. Don't get me wrong; it (my getting savedd) only happened once, and that's all I need to know that I have a home in Heaven. But my burdens continue. He often shows me that He's willing, but my flesh is weak (Mark 14:38). I look around my classroom even today and ponder how many of these precious children would come to know Him. It grieved my heart to think that very few would be taught the truth, that Jesus is the way, the TRUTH, and the life (John 14:6).

That's when I remembered a prayer I prayed many years ago... I guess it's not been that long, but I think back to a time when I was imagining what my future children's names would be... This was before there was our Ethan Caleb (who's now passed on to be with Jesus) and much earlier than there was a Brian and me. It was one of those moments in your teenage years when you think of all the creative names for children, and you sit and write them down, maybe in your Bible or in a journal, but you never forget about it. I had one of those times... I barely remember the names now, because God changes your plans whether it be for marriage and/or your children's names, but as I thought about my children-to-come, I prayed one simple prayer. It was something about how I wished that if my children were not going to be saved, I'd rather the Lord take them before they enter this world. How ironic that is to me now!

I have ached... and cried... and been angry... and spiteful... and bitter... and miserable... and so BROKEN since God took Ethan from us. It wasn't until today that God burdened me with that long-forgotten prayer of MINE. My eyes fill with tears as I type this, but I realize that God knows what He's doing. I've learned that it takes a burden to relieve another one, and my heart now understands that God knows best. It hurts and the pain is at times unbearable, but I know that whatever God does is beautiful in time.

There's nothing beautiful about heartache, my brokenness, or these burdens that come on ever so weighty, but God's Word says that "He hath made every thing beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11)." In time, God will heal this wound just as he took that burden away so long ago. I am excited to see God's future plans for me, and I pray that I will wait in anticipation with a heart lifted up toward Him.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND A FUTURE."

When God Made You...

He must have been thinking about me...

It's unreal to me that the next to last time I wrote, I was single and completely okay with that. I had just told my friends not 5 days before on my birthday that though I was content with being single, I was ready to meet "him." I wanted to know who he was, what he was doing, and had he prayed for me the way I had for him. Only 2 months ago was I in this frame of mind...

Little did I know but that someone I was ready to meet was thinking the same things. He had been praying for his future wife for years... It wasn't until January 14th of this year that the Lord showed him who he should be praying for. It came as quite a surprise to him, as he already knew who she was; he knew her better than most anyone. They were close friends, and they had been pushed by others to try to be something more... But it wasn't time for God had such a bigger plan. On January 22nd, he knew that he needed to call her and tell her how he felt, but when he called, he knew she had had an overwhelming day, so he was silent and waited...

Until the following day... Because the day before had been her birthday, and it wasn't in God's time to reveal that the two would become one in only two months. We met that afternoon at Starbucks and talked for hours about nothing, until his elbows were both on the table and his hands folded together, I didn't realize that this conversation was anything more than just two friends being just that. Then I heard, "What is going on with us? Is there an us?" At that very moment, as I looked into his eyes, the Holy Spirit filled me, and I knew that this was the one that I had been asking and praying for... He was the one that had been made for me. Perfectly and divinely designed for me. But how do you tell someone that when you're not certain they feel that same way?! I replied, "I don't know, is there?!" I soon realized there was in fact an "us." Not just the "us-es" I have had before, this was the one God had intended for me to be with all along. This is the one I was to expect...

In four days, I will walk down the aisle to meet my best friend and pledge our life to the Lord as one. I know, it sounds strange, not saying that I'm pledging my life to him, but the way I see it, I'm not. I'm giving my life, my marriage, and everything I have to the Lord. If it's in my Maker's hands, it can never be harmed, destroyed, or hurt. There will be hard times, but I know that if he and I will take it to the Lord in prayer, He will see them and us through. I am asking now for your prayers... Please pray for my marriage, that it will be one that uplifts and glorifies God in every way possible. It means so much to me. Remember us this Saturday, March 31st, at 2:00, as we start our life together...

And Now My Lifesong Sings...

Lord, it's amazing how just over eight days ago, You had made me completely content in loving You. I realized that being single wasn't the worst thing in my life, that maybe it was the best because I could focus more of me on You. I wasn't always sure I liked that idea. You and I both know how stubborn I was, and that everywhere I went I was hoping to find the right one.

Lord, it's indescribable, this feeling I have knowing that You have saw fit for me to share my life with this man. You've humbled my every being and hushed my every word. My nerves have overtaken me at times, God, but You are always there to reassure me that You are in control, and this is, in fact, the rest of my life.

Lord, it's moving, having my future by my side. Praying with him, and knowing that everyday for the rest of our lives we are dedicated to serving You because YOU have brought us together in eight days. Eight days, and I KNOW that he is the one. The one that You designed for me, the one You had in mind, the one that is the reason I understand You so well right now... You are so good, God.

Lord, it's weird. I'll be completely honest. I never imagined You could do this, but it's because I doubted that You moved in the way You did to PROVE Your power to me. Thank you, Lord. Thank you that You are more powerful and amazing than even I can comprehend. Thank you for sending me a fiance who loves You more than life itself. Thank you, God, for the most amazing eight days of my life because now, my lifesong sings...

What Are You Waiting For?

Oh, I see now... It was me; You were waiting for me to get my heart and mind set on You, on things above, not on the thing that I thought mattered more than anything. You kept asking me to fall in love with You, and it was when I did that You handed him to me.

Your plans never fail, and I never can explain why I haven't chose you from the beginning. Your story for us is beautiful. It is perfectly planned, elegantly designed, and creatively orchestrated, to become this amazing pair that will always uplift and glorify You. I always knew that when I knew, it would be for a man that loved God as much if not more than I did. Thank You for that.

Thank You that despite every other area and aspect in my life, You gave me patience to wait for him. Thank You for giving me the grace to KNOW that he is the one, and thank You that he knew it too. Thank You for allowing me to build such an amazing friendship with him that was solely based on You. Thank You that we always have put You first in every one of our conversations, decisions, and adventures together, and thank You that I firmly believe it will be that way for the rest of our lives. Thank You for helping me, most of all, to wait for You to SHOW ME.

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above..." James 1:17

You Move Me...

Words come easily to me. They seem to be the one thing I can depend on when everything else fails. That is, until now.

I have been so moved by the Lord in the past week that I have been unable to speak. He has shown me how to truly "be still." It's an amazing thing, to be humbled in His presence, to be living in His light, and to know that He is the center of my world.

In time, the Lord will help me to speak this blessing more eloquently like I'm known for, but at this point in time, I am silenced by His grace, strength, and plan.

Jeremiah 29:11-12 - "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen."