Our 5th Anniversary... by the Numbers.

I could have never fathomed what our life would be like five years ago.  It's been more humbling, challenging, and blessed than I could ever put into words.  Looking back now, I see how God put us together at the perfect time and how He specifically planned this life for us.  Though He had long ordained our paths to meet, we never realized that our first time meeting on the Jamaican mission field would lead to a talk 3 years later at Starbucks in which a pastor and a member of his congregation learn, by His guidance, that they are to be married.  Yet here we are, five years later, and so much has happened (and changed) since then, and I find myself more in awe of God by what we've become, seen, and endured. 

Numbers In 5 Years:
8 days of honeymooning
24 months together before children
10 days of REAL alone time since then
1 home sweet home
11 rooms painted
1 "For Sale" sign
2 lawn mowers owned
2 dead trees
3 different churches
3 "jobs" left behind
5 (or 6) Gatlinburg trips
8 conferences attended
4 mission trips
240 Sunday sermons preached
115 trips to the prison to preach/teach
90+ speaking engagements at the Mission
5 months since taking a job at the Mission
20+ revivals and youth weekends attended
4 heart-breaking deaths
6 friends' weddings
1 30th birthday surprise party
9 states visited
4 countries seen
3 mountains/hills climbed
2 flights canceled
6 cars owned
2 cars totaled
1 move into a minivan
5 Vacation Bible Schools
4 summers with James Evan
177 canvases painted
5 positive pregnancy tests
7 baby showers
2 miscarriages
10 days of bedrest
2 boys' births
31 total hours of labor
3 first days of Mother's Day Out
1 baby on its way
6 amazing babysitters
17 pairs (or more) of Crocs
4 zoos visited
3 amusement parks
2 broken bones
1 blue cast
1 bulging disc

Innumerable:
Hospital visits
Loads of laundry
Carpet cleanings
Can openers destroyed
Chick Fil A meals eaten
Gallons of tea prepared
Books purchased
Times we've rearranged furniture
Nail pops on the walls
Willow Tree figurines
Miles travelled
Sleepless nights
Diapers purchased and changed
Prayers answered

Our 5 Year Anniversary

My husband got me the perfect gift...

Cake.

Things That Make Me...

Crazy:

• Stealing.
• Hearing my 2 year old say, "Stop it!"
• When both boys are crying.
• Diapers that don't hold together too well.
• Wet beds.
• Poo-poo in the pants and not in the potty.
• The fridge's water dispenser.
• Children's snacks attracting ants.
• Watching Samuel fall while walking.
• Having to deal with bibs.

Angry:

• Daniel's strange sleeping patterns or lack thereof.
• Staying up too late.
• Not getting my to-do list accomplished.
• Bugs. 
• Finding ants in the cereal cabinet!
• Smooshed grapes.
• Spitting children.

Frustrated:

• Piles of laundry.
• Children that can climb gates.
• Spilled juice.
• The timeout technique.  Enough said.
• When Daniel pulls all the dvds out.
• When Daniel gets out all of the batteries.
• When naptime ends.
• Not getting a shower.

Laugh:

• When Daniel begs for, "Do-wa."  (Dora the Explorer)
• When my children make each other CRACK UP!
• Finding Daniel naked.
• When Daniel kisses Samuel's booty.
• Samuel's cheesy grin.
• Samuel's excitement over snacks!
• Daniel's love of candy!
• When Daniel says, "Here it comes!" while waiting for dvds to load.
• Children dancing!

Humble:

• "Goodnight Mommy."
• When I've prayed too long, "AMEN!"
• When I tell Daniel, "Stand up," while changing his clothes, he'll say, "FOR JESUS!"
• Hugs.
• Tight hugs.
• Blown kisses.
• Holding my hand to, "Show you sumthin."

Blessed:

• Blue eyes.
• Bug bites.
• Dirty clothes.
• Trails of toys.
• Crumbs for critters.
• Meals with my two babies.
• Finding deals on things I could never purchase!
• Having sweet sisters in the Lord.
• Knowing there are two babies waiting for me in Heaven.
• Realizing I have a ministry, right here in my home.
• Learning that each day is God's gift to me.
• Texts from my husband.
• Love I don't deserve.
• Having a know-so, never-goes salvation.
• Family that knows me too well.
• Being held in the arms of God.  :)

Have I Told You Lately...

that I love you?

When the baby is sleeping and the world is quiet,
I realize how much I need you.

When the house is a mess and you take charge,
I realize how thankful I should be for you.

When the days seem long and my words fail me,
I realize how much you care for me.

When I have had enough and I'm about to break,
I realize I don't deserve you.

When I have one thing on my mind and you leave me to it,
I realize you understand who I am.

When I have neglected you and our time together,
I realize you still want more...

When you laugh at my jokes that aren't funny at all,
I realize I have found my best friend.

When there's no one I'd rather talk to,
I realize you are all I want.

When you've fallen asleep before I've come to bed,
I realize how blessed I am.

When we've learned life is short but I'll see you again,
I realize that God knew what He was doing...


In case you are wondering why I am writing about my husband for all the world to see, it is because, as God ordained it, I am a part-time mother who will always be a full-time wife.  Simply stated, I find myself writing more often about my amazing child than taking time to talk to my sweet husband.  I never, ever want to forget who God intended for me to spend my life with, and though our children are tremendous blessings, marriage was what God made first...  It's just taken me all day to realize it.

Carrying a Blessing

Maybe you haven't noticed it, but I can't help but stare every time I see it...
 
It's that little gadget on the top right side of this page, and it's a daily reminder of how truly blessed I am.

Being a woman who has miscarried and was later given a child, I am incredibly fascinated by the process God takes in creating a child in a woman's womb.  I read all I can about what's taking place each week with this new miracle, and though I've already been here and done this all before, I am still amazed by God.  I am floored by what He's doing within me.  I am humbled that He's chosen me to carry this one, and though losing a child taught me to understand this, I cannot help at times to be human and want to be in control...  You know?

It's my body, yet it's actually His. 
It's my baby, yet it's totally His. 
It's our future, but it's completely His.

How in the world did God look down and pick me?  How did He know that Brian would be exactly the friend I'd want to have in every situation?  How did He know that losing our first baby would break me?  How did He know that I'd need time to heal?  How did He know that Daniel would bring more joy to me than I could have imagined?  How did He know that conceiving a third child would bring a calming peace over me in the midst of pregnancy and infancy? 

I'm not sure.  There's so much about my Lord that I simply cannot understand...

But this is what I do know.  He's good, and He just knows.  Not only that, but it's all His.  All I've been given and all I own, I owe to Him.  So, this sweet blessing is just that...  His child being carried by another one of His children...



I am 20 weeks along with Baby #3...

These are a few of my favorite things...

blue eyes

toothless grins

button nose

strong legs

sleepless nights

reaching arms

messy bibs

stinky diapers

bare feet

bruised knees

deafening squeals

unmatched energy

slobbery kisses

whiny cries

holding hands

staying up late

sharing quick kisses

sheer goodness

brutal honesty

true love

genuine friendship

deep thoughts

sweet secrets

argyle sweaters

all of which come from these two guys...

SHOWING MY LIFE - Wedding Dress

If there's one thing I am extremely proud of, it would have to be my wedding. Simply put, it wasn't my own. It was the Lord's. He had orchestrated it, and He had called us to marriage in an three-hour talk at Starbucks.

Brian was my pastor and nothing more at the time. Though we had known each other for three years after having met on a mission trip to Jamaica (even though we lived five miles from each other here at home), it wasn't until he called me on January 23, 2007, that the two of us had ever been alone together. Eight, short days later, we were engaged, and a fun-filled, fast two months later on March 31, we were married. TWO MONTHS. I had a whopping two months to prepare. I mean, I hadn't even had time to think about it. I mean I had dreamed my whole life, but it would be impossible to come up with bright pink and orange daisies in March, and the pink dresses would take up to 12 weeks to arrive! SO, champagne could be ordered in 3 weeks, so champagne and white would be our colors.

I went online soon after realizing this was "it," and found the wedding dress I wanted, but the likelihood of it fitting, looking halfway decent, or it being in my price range was pretty far-fetched. I went to David's Bridal with less than 60 days before the big day and saw the dress immediately. The lady who worked with me said that I HAD to take other dresses back into the fitting room just in case the one I loved didn't work out. I tried on two dresses, and my favorite was the third. Third time was the charm...


After stepping into my dress on my wedding day


Walking into the sanctuary on our wedding day for bridal portraits


A view of the whole dress


Looking down on the dress and the veil


Outside shots after the ceremony


Close-up of beading


Perfect dress for the perfect day

I am in love...

with this man...


who is the father of our son,



the provider for our family,


the leader of our home,


the best friend I have ever had,


and the most amazing father I have ever seen.

Two Years

Sitting in rocking chairs, we discussed everything from the wedding to our future children's names. We rocked and talked for six hours that night. It was our very first date, and we were naive enough to think that everything before us would be the fairy tale we expected.

Life with Brian has been one of the most amazing gifts I have ever been given. I have had a best friend each and every day for the past two years, and without him, I honestly do not know what would have happened. We have faced some very joyous occasions, yet God had more tragic situations in store for us than even I can explain. Our lives are so different now than what we had planned that Friday night at Opry Mills a little over two years ago.

It wouldn't have been reasonable for us to talk about losing our loved ones including both of his parents, having a miscarriage, leaving our jobs, expecting a little boy who will be named after his late father, and making some of the most unforgettable memories of a lifetime in just two, short years.

Tomorrow, we will celebrate two years of marriage. It actually is hard to believe. It is still hard to imagine that we are married. It is still difficult to know that God made this man for me. It is incredible that this is where God has decided for us to go. This path, this journey, this anniversary is a culmination of what I can only say has been the learning experience of a lifetime.

We have rocked day in and day out waiting for the fairy tale... But that's not what life is. It is an amazing gift that is often packaged with heartache and pain. We've opened that gift and experienced first hand what life can be. It is a blessing to be able share these times with you, but there is no one I'd rather have in my life than my husband. He has made the bitter times sweet, and the hard times have been an opportunity for the two of us to cling to the One who put us together.

Happy Anniversary, Brian.
To Heaven and Back. That's my life with you.

Hushed.

The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

It has been very difficult for me to write lately. It could be from all of the emotions I'm experiencing or the changes that are within me. Truthfully, I have just been completely humbled at how God is working in my life.

Seems strange that just a little over 7 months ago, I was sitting in a classroom, trying to decide if I should resign. I wasn't exactly enjoying life, but knew God had bigger purposes than just where I was. I was ill at Him for taking my child from me, and I wanted so badly to be pregnant again.

Things don't work out exactly as we plan them. If I'd had it my way, 7 months ago, I would have loved teaching, been 4 months pregnant, and never would have had to think about a child in Heaven. I look back now and realize what it was all for.

Hush, and watch, He wanted to say to me. It's just that I wouldn't listen nor would I exactly get quiet through the bitterness and chatter. His ideas seemed irrelevant to me at that point. He lost all hope of keeping my trust. I was so mad at Him that I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to love Him again.

Now, I see that that anger has caused me to love Him more. I've learned that He didn't promise me that life would be easy... On the contrary, "Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it (Matthew 17:14)." Difficult is what He said it would be, and yet, I spent months wondering why life had to be so hard... why all these terrible things were happening to me. I see that they weren't terrible. They were part of His plan to silence me.

The reason I am finally quiet is because I've realized that I have to listen to God. He's saying things to me all of the time; it's just that for the past few months, I've been unable and unwilling to hear Him. Sometimes I don't hear anything for days, and sometimes the silence is so loud I cannot bear to handle it.

However, on many occasions, I hear Him in the office, through the typing of my gentle husband's hands. Sometimes, I can hear Him late at night, through the ache in my back that my little one is pressing upon. Other moments, I hear Him in the strokes of a paintbrush, as He reminds me how He has blessed me with talents. Mostly, I hear Him in the quiet of the day, reminding me that I am exactly where He wants me.

Hushed.

Blessed.

I've only been up for a few hours, but after a night of good sleep on the couch, I awoke feeling incredibly blessed. I cannot go into detail into why I'm feeling this way, but let me just take the time to praise God for all He's doing right now.

"Flicka" is 12 weeks TODAY!
I'm sure you're wondering about who "Flicka" is, but our little one is being called this by his/her daddy. When we never had the opportunity to hear our first child's heartbeat, when we went 6 weeks ago to the OB and saw the flickering on the screen, we were completely humbled. Since then, the baby has earned its keep as "Flicka". And no, that will NOT be its name or nickname. By the way, Brian didn't know it, but being the first-born son of a first-born son, it came as a surprise to my husband when I informed him that "Flicka" is Swedish for "beautiful, young girl." I think he's finally warming up to a girl, but we will be more than blessed by either.

My husband is my best friend!
Some days are hard, and some days we barely speak due to our busy schedules. However, mornings like these are what it is all about. Knowing you're exactly in the center of God's will and having Him answer prayers right before your eyes is amazing. Not to mention the fact that my wonderful husband woke up with the intention of heading to Hardee's to get me a biscuit but he couldn't remember what kind I liked (I haven't said anything about biscuits). As I was getting up, I mentioned that a biscuit would be so good, and before heading off to West TN, he ran out and got me 3 biscuits... 1 1/2 for this morning and 1 1/2 for tomorrow since he'll be away. How sweet is that?!

My pants don't fit so well...
To most women this would be a terrible realization, but for me, it is a wonderful reminder of God... How He grows us and reminds us of His abilities everyday if we're willing to see them. My ever-protruding midsection constantly proves to me that God is so good. He has chosen me for this time and this purpose. I am so honored and so thankful to see how He's changing me.

We always have enough...
It may not be a big deal to some, but after having left a job and depending on one salary, we have learned that God does provide. It wasn't until we took this leap of faith by my leaving a teaching position that we've realized this in full. Before, the finances were always there, and now, they're not on a weekly/monthly basis... That's where God has stepped in. He's given us abilities which He has used to help us, and He has blessed us with unlikely "sponsors" that show up at just the right time. How thankful we are for His promises and His devout provision!

He's very clear...
Both my husband and I are VERY indecisive. Brian likes to think everything through logically (how much will it cost, is it a priority, will this put me ahead or behind), where as I just can't decide for ridiculous reasons (maybe something else will come up, this can't be reasonable, what will Brian think of this). However, God has made SO MANY THINGS clear to us lately that we've not had to make our own decisions at all. He has spoken timely and directly, and everything that we thought would be so difficult to choose has been so remarkably easy.

These are such small things, but they have had such a profound effect on our lives during this season of change. Through it all, we've learned that God's just waiting to bless us in His perfect timing. And He has. And it's good.

Longing to Love Again

I thought of you today...

What you were wearing and how the sun would have been touching your face. I imagined the smile you might have and how you would be enjoying yourself. I wondered how you had changed and how long it had been since I held you. I couldn't wait to love you. I thought about the next few days and weeks. What it would mean to see you again. To hold you tighter than ever before, and to know without a shadow of doubt that you were the greatest gift in my life.

I also thought of what used to be...

How we almost had him. How we are Heavenly parents. How excited and scared we were when we knew he was coming. How our hearts broke and how hard we were on each other when we realized he was gone. I thought about how we told all of our friends and family and how crazy all of that was.

I also pictured what is to come...

I thought about how one day, very soon, I will hold you closer than the last time. The surprises I have in store for you, the summer we will spend serving Christ, the days with our family, and the nights alone with one another. Those are things I can't wait for.

And though, I've spent the first part of this year missing our child, I realized today that nothing is harder than missing you... You are my best friend, and life without you doesn't make sense. I am so ready to see your face again.

"...When I found him, whom my soul loves; I held on to him and would not let him go..." (Song of Solomon 3:4)

God Knows Who You Are

I have really had a lot of time to think about how much God knows about me. It's overwhelming at times, thinking that every thought I have, He knew it before I could even speak it. Every time I hear my Pop pray, he begins by saying, "All-wise, all-knowing and wise, Heavenly Father..." I've sometimes questioned the possibility of an "all-knowing" God. Yet this week, I'm so thankful that He is.

On Friday, as I talked in the office with my principal for only 15 minutes, a third grade student was stealing my cell phone and $12 from my purse. I came back to my classroom to discover that these things were missing, and in a panic, went speed-walking back to the office. However, just the day before, a "suspect" had been accused of taking $45 from the teacher across the hall. Sure, this gave me an idea of who it was, but I didn't know for sure. This strange sense that I had been violated in some way came over me.

All I was able to do in the circumstance was panic. I went to Verizon to suspend the phone and possibly get a new one. That turned out being a huge ordeal as I wasn't actually named on our account. It was awful; Brian was out of town and unable to help, so a fellow friend and teacher drove me around working all of this out.

Looking back, I realize how ridiculous all of this was. In His Word, God says, "In this world you will have tribulation, but take heed; I have overcome the world (John 16:33)." There was no need for my dismay or being fearful. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)." Why was I so frightened at the fact that a 10 year old had taken something of mine? I have no idea. I wondered often over the weekend if that child felt guilty or if he worried over what would happen to him if he were caught. This was not for me to know because my Heavenly Father knew it all.

He saw the child's face as he walked into my room.
He knew that the child would not feel remorse.
He realized that the child needed help.
He understood the child's heart.
He was angry with his actions.
He knew that His judgment on him would be stiff.
He also realized that his punishment here would be small.
He was working in my heart.
He helped the child's parent find the money and my phone.
He was disappointed when I didn't trust that He could.
He probably laughed when my principal handed it to me.
He knows how scared I am to leave my doors unlocked.
He keeps them safely secured even when they are wide open.
He feels my broken heart.
He rejoices when I think of Ethan in Heaven.
He smiles when I love on my husband.
He is put to tears when I praise His name.
He is anxious to see me put my trust in Him.
He is waiting for me to understand Him more.
He wants me to open His pages more often.
He asks that I let it go.
He is proud as I smile at the child who took my things.
He knows that I can be a testimony of His grace.
He knows about my disbelief when I'm walking away.
He feels the readiness I'm experiencing.
He hears my prayers but is already in the works.
He knows exactly who I am.

As angry as I was, I thought about how sorry I felt for this little boy. How lonely he must be and how starved for attention he is. It broke my heart. I am mad, but the emotions I feel are only a piece of what that child hurts with. My God is longing to show His face in this situation, and I am praying that it will be me. Remember today that God knows who you are, and He loves you for it anyway.

The Things I Should Have Said

Have you ever been through a situation, then, after having stepped away from it, realized that there were some things that you left unsaid? It's happened to me more times than not. I'm terrible about saying exactly what I think, and unfortunately, I've hurt some people with this character trait of mine. Lately, however, I have not said some things that I KNOW I should have when the Lord was leading me to do so.

So I guess you're thinking that I have started writing to make things right and to FINALLY say what I should have... Well, you'd be exactly right. Except it's not going to be what you think it is. I just hope you'll forgive me for opening my heart before you...

When you took care of me after the surgery, I didn't realize how blessed I was; to have the kind of love you possessed even overwhelmed me. Every act of service you performed and every word you didn't say, they went unnoticed at the time. The nights you allowed me to cry myself to sleep as you stayed awake simply praying without ceasing for my brokenness were so unbelievably considerate. The bitterness you have seen has been unbearable at times, and the words that have been thrown at you in anger were unacceptable. Yet, you stood by and loved me nonetheless. As I ached for my arms to be filled, you held me. You were angry at times, but you never showed it. You've shown your faith in our future by not letting go. You've loved with an unconditional love through my darkest days. You've seen the miracles God has performed and trusted that there would be more. You've listened as I poured my heart out in frustration. You've trusted my decisions, but led me to believe in God's faithfulness. You've had faith when I've had none. You've picked up ALL of my slack, and moved on without asking more. You have proven yourself time and time again. You've loved the unlovable. You've been my biggest encouragement, and you have believed in me. You deserve more love. You should have all that I have to give. You are better than 10 sons (1 Samuel 1:8), but without doubt, would be an amazing parent to all of them. You make me want to stop grieving because of your joy. You help me to see that Ethan was a gift, and nothing can take that away. You love my hurting heart and pray for its healing. You are everything a best friend should be. You don't hear these things enough from me, and I'm sorry.

These are the things I should have said to my husband for the past 53 days. I'm sorry it took me so long.

To Heaven and Back, Brian.
I love you.

Looking Back, I See It All

As Brian and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary on Monday, March 31st, I was surprised at how quickly the memories flooded back. I imagined that I would forget most things, and believe I have, but as the date of our 1 year came around, it was amazing the little things I recalled about this past year.

I realized how:
intricately God had prepared our hearts for one another...
detailed His plan was to make us see what He saw...
He opened my eyes to my future husband while sitting in Starbucks...
quickly our wedding came together...
that beautiful day was perfectly detailed and uplifting to my Father...
time can change everything...
the loss of two loved ones can really bring you closer...
illness can cause the two of you to drift apart...
an endless amount of scheduled activities can make for an awesome summer...
a middle-schooler can change your attitude about children...
God speaks about your future while listening to a Sunday School lesson...
family can either make or break your time with one another...
time apart makes your heart long for each other...
holidays are completely hectic and overbooked...
holidays are so filled with love once you're married...
gifts are something you'll eventually forget...
post-it notes are your favorite thing to find...
peace is such a comfort when you're needing patience...
the excitement of our first pregnancy was perfectly anticipated...
the loss of that child can drive you to desperation...
you long to see him in Heaven...
the strength of your marriage is tested and proven solid...
troubled times always come...
chasing after a dream isn't always what God has in store...
trusting in God is more than just a dream...
asking God to fill you is easier said than done...
the pure joy of seeing it through a year is indescribable...
wanting more isn't enough...
praying for it is.

The More I Do, The More I Remember

Do you remember that saying that goes something like, "If something's bothering you, get busy... You'll forget about it in no time." I always thought that was the most ridiculous saying because if something's really on your mind, there's hardly anything that can keep you from it. I've had this hit me just in the past 2 days... Losing this baby has really opened my eyes, and as time has gone by (considering we would be about 14 weeks now), the simple thought of "him" usually brings me to tears.

The past two days have been different. It hasn't been tears or complete sadness. I've looked back on more memories than I even knew I had. I've thought about the moment I decided to take a pregnancy test, talking to Stephanie. I remembered seeing the two lines and not having meant to, I told Brian I hadn't looked. I can still picture the look on Brian's face, maybe more shock than anything. I recall how unsure we were, going to Walgreen's after dinner that night to buy a SECOND digital test. I laugh when I think about how quick it popped up, "Pregnant." I remember wondering, in the first week after finding out (week 3) if it would be a girl, but hoping for Brian's firstborn BOY. I remember being so excited to gain weight! I imagined how to rearrange our house, and what the baby's room would look like (a creation room, with animals galore, and of course, scripture and dots on the wall). I remember thinking I was a complete idiot for buying a crib set without Brian and before I made it past the first trimester. I think about counting down the days until the first ultrasound. I remember seeing that little speck of white area that was our baby. It was all so amazing, and still, completely is! What a God I serve!

I do hurt, and believe it or not, the more I do, the more I think about it all. There's so much sadness, pain, loss, and happiness, joy, and hope knowing that it was ALL for God's glory and that Heaven is a place I can't wait to be. But through it all, the more I remember, I realize how much more I love my husband. What he's dealt with in the sadness, pain, loss, even in the happiness, joy, and hope is more than I can imagine. Although we've both lost deeply, he's had to watch me suffer. He's loved me every single second of complete misery.

In just 11 days, we will be celebrating our 1st anniversary on March 31st. I've thought on how much has happened in this year; it seems as if we've been through every valley there is and yet love has been the driving force. God's love at that! Please continue to pray for us that we will trust that God's providence is PERFECT and that in the next year He will continue to pour His blessings over us, whether they be valleys or mountains... The more we go through, the more we can remember to thank God.

The Power of Words

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
Psalm 119:105

I didn't really understand how powerful words actually were until the past few days... As Brian headed off to Jamaica, I realized how much I missed his voice, and not just his voice, but the words of love he always gives to me. When he left Thursday morning, I knew those simple words were gone... atleast for a period of 8 days. It was awesome to head to the bathroom that morning he left to find a small, yellow post-it note with the most beautiful words, encouraging me to find comfort in our Lord. Even those few words were enough to get me through the day, or so I thought.

I headed out the door to head off to work, and soon, I came across a manilla envelope sitting in my driver's seat. It was a gift from my husband, but I was rushed and needed to hurry off to my early morning meeting. Thankfully, Brian called on the way to work; I don't even remember what we talked about other than he was getting a green tea with "no sugar and one Splenda" and that this being away was harder than he expected. It wasn't until I arrived at school and after my meeting that I was able to open the envelope.

It was harder than I could have ever imagined reading that letter... Yes, it was exactly what I wanted, but it was HIM I was longing to hear. I guess the Lord knows what He is doing, as this trip is advancing HIS Kingdom among those people in Jamaica, the place where Brian and I actually met in 2004. I also realized that God was in the middle of teaching us to cling to Him, and that the words we were able to leave and give to one another was a gift from Him as well.

Another blessing came when Brian called last night to tell me he had created an email address to be able to communicate with me over the trip... The church where they are working in this remote town on top of a mountain ACTUALLY has internet now, slow moving internet, but another God-given gift. I woke up this morning to TWO emails from my husband.

I also have learned that words are healing... As I lay in bed last night, one of the first times without him, I couldn't sleep. I was sick with a fever, sore throat, and stuffy nose, but more so, I was longing for him. After figuring that crying was getting me nowhere, I called my sister, who comforted me just by talking to me about school, my being sick, about dinner, etc. In just a few quick minutes, I was ready for bed. How strong words can be in times of need!

I was again sick this morning, and the fever had not subsided leaving me unable to go to school. It wasn't long after waking up a second time around 11 that I saw how lonely I was. I sat feeling sorry for myself, watching hour after hour of t.v. At 3:30, the phone rang and the voice was SO familiar... He had called in the middle of the day for no reason. I felt great again, but soon after, that sadness creeped in again. The devil likes to find us at our weakest and take over... That is, until I got the mail.

I saw a card addressed to me from my childhood best friend. She had sent me a card to tell me Happy Birthday, but her letter inside was so much stronger than just a birthday one. She talked about how she loved me, missed me, and was praying for me. I cannot tell you how those words lifted my heart. I love knowing that God can give us exactly what we need when we need it.

What a blessing it is to know that our God can give us words to bring peace to our hearts through others! As Philipians 4:7 says,
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
I am blessed by a God who cares for me deeper than I can for even my husband. The Lord gives us words to live by and love, but how often do we pass them by?! I am thankful for the words I've been given, and I pray that I will take every word to heart.

When God Made You...

He must have been thinking about me...

It's unreal to me that the next to last time I wrote, I was single and completely okay with that. I had just told my friends not 5 days before on my birthday that though I was content with being single, I was ready to meet "him." I wanted to know who he was, what he was doing, and had he prayed for me the way I had for him. Only 2 months ago was I in this frame of mind...

Little did I know but that someone I was ready to meet was thinking the same things. He had been praying for his future wife for years... It wasn't until January 14th of this year that the Lord showed him who he should be praying for. It came as quite a surprise to him, as he already knew who she was; he knew her better than most anyone. They were close friends, and they had been pushed by others to try to be something more... But it wasn't time for God had such a bigger plan. On January 22nd, he knew that he needed to call her and tell her how he felt, but when he called, he knew she had had an overwhelming day, so he was silent and waited...

Until the following day... Because the day before had been her birthday, and it wasn't in God's time to reveal that the two would become one in only two months. We met that afternoon at Starbucks and talked for hours about nothing, until his elbows were both on the table and his hands folded together, I didn't realize that this conversation was anything more than just two friends being just that. Then I heard, "What is going on with us? Is there an us?" At that very moment, as I looked into his eyes, the Holy Spirit filled me, and I knew that this was the one that I had been asking and praying for... He was the one that had been made for me. Perfectly and divinely designed for me. But how do you tell someone that when you're not certain they feel that same way?! I replied, "I don't know, is there?!" I soon realized there was in fact an "us." Not just the "us-es" I have had before, this was the one God had intended for me to be with all along. This is the one I was to expect...

In four days, I will walk down the aisle to meet my best friend and pledge our life to the Lord as one. I know, it sounds strange, not saying that I'm pledging my life to him, but the way I see it, I'm not. I'm giving my life, my marriage, and everything I have to the Lord. If it's in my Maker's hands, it can never be harmed, destroyed, or hurt. There will be hard times, but I know that if he and I will take it to the Lord in prayer, He will see them and us through. I am asking now for your prayers... Please pray for my marriage, that it will be one that uplifts and glorifies God in every way possible. It means so much to me. Remember us this Saturday, March 31st, at 2:00, as we start our life together...

And Now My Lifesong Sings...

Lord, it's amazing how just over eight days ago, You had made me completely content in loving You. I realized that being single wasn't the worst thing in my life, that maybe it was the best because I could focus more of me on You. I wasn't always sure I liked that idea. You and I both know how stubborn I was, and that everywhere I went I was hoping to find the right one.

Lord, it's indescribable, this feeling I have knowing that You have saw fit for me to share my life with this man. You've humbled my every being and hushed my every word. My nerves have overtaken me at times, God, but You are always there to reassure me that You are in control, and this is, in fact, the rest of my life.

Lord, it's moving, having my future by my side. Praying with him, and knowing that everyday for the rest of our lives we are dedicated to serving You because YOU have brought us together in eight days. Eight days, and I KNOW that he is the one. The one that You designed for me, the one You had in mind, the one that is the reason I understand You so well right now... You are so good, God.

Lord, it's weird. I'll be completely honest. I never imagined You could do this, but it's because I doubted that You moved in the way You did to PROVE Your power to me. Thank you, Lord. Thank you that You are more powerful and amazing than even I can comprehend. Thank you for sending me a fiance who loves You more than life itself. Thank you, God, for the most amazing eight days of my life because now, my lifesong sings...

What Are You Waiting For?

Oh, I see now... It was me; You were waiting for me to get my heart and mind set on You, on things above, not on the thing that I thought mattered more than anything. You kept asking me to fall in love with You, and it was when I did that You handed him to me.

Your plans never fail, and I never can explain why I haven't chose you from the beginning. Your story for us is beautiful. It is perfectly planned, elegantly designed, and creatively orchestrated, to become this amazing pair that will always uplift and glorify You. I always knew that when I knew, it would be for a man that loved God as much if not more than I did. Thank You for that.

Thank You that despite every other area and aspect in my life, You gave me patience to wait for him. Thank You for giving me the grace to KNOW that he is the one, and thank You that he knew it too. Thank You for allowing me to build such an amazing friendship with him that was solely based on You. Thank You that we always have put You first in every one of our conversations, decisions, and adventures together, and thank You that I firmly believe it will be that way for the rest of our lives. Thank You for helping me, most of all, to wait for You to SHOW ME.

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above..." James 1:17

You Move Me...

Words come easily to me. They seem to be the one thing I can depend on when everything else fails. That is, until now.

I have been so moved by the Lord in the past week that I have been unable to speak. He has shown me how to truly "be still." It's an amazing thing, to be humbled in His presence, to be living in His light, and to know that He is the center of my world.

In time, the Lord will help me to speak this blessing more eloquently like I'm known for, but at this point in time, I am silenced by His grace, strength, and plan.

Jeremiah 29:11-12 - "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen."