Baby #3

He is actually Baby #5, but because in the world's eyes due to the fact that his brother and sister were miscarried, we'll stick with the number 3. 

I haven't talked about him much.  I haven't really shared some of the fun and not-so-interesting stories of this pregnancy, but as I look back over the past 31 weeks, I'm realizing this is yet another one of God's amazing miracles.  This baby made himself known around September of 2011 when I just wasn't feeling well.  I was sore and tired and I knew I needed to take a test.  Much to my surprise, two faint lines appeared over and over, after every test I took.  It was on September 11th when we realized for certain there would be another Johnson baby.

The next few weeks were hard.  I was incredibly nauseous.  I had all-day sickness and had two toddlers watching my every move.  I rarely was able to "rest" as the doctor insisted.  I craved apples (weird because I dislike apples but have craved them with all 5 of my pregnancies), yet when I ate them, they made me ill.  Smells and foods that had never bothered me before were too much for me to take, and things I thought I wanted would taste so good then would have me in the restroom for much of the night. 

I began to show around my 8th week.  I realized that we would be unable to keep this pregnancy a secret for long, and honestly, I didn't want to.  I've been the bearer of bad news with pregnancies that were never announced and ended in miscarriage, but I wanted to deeply relish in the fact that God had/has given us another child. 

Oddly enough, I was almost certain (secretly) that this baby was a girl.  My symptoms were so different than they were with the boys.  I ached in placed I didn't think I could, didn't sleep well laying down, and continued to be sick throughout my first and second trimesters.  Actually, the nausea was worse in my second trimester when things are supposed to get better.  My prediction would be put to the test during the first week of January.

Around that same time, God revealed a name for the baby to Brian.  We have a "thing" about names since God burdened Brian to change Daniel's name 5 weeks before he was born.  Since then, we've decided NOT to choose our own names, but to let God reveal them to us.  It wasn't until the day of the ultrasound when I was 21 weeks that God also gave me a name.  Ultrasound also showed us that we were definitely having another boy!

The pregnancy has flown by since then.  I've not taken pictures of my growing stomach or kept track of everything that has happened, but it's been memorable to say the least.  I've enjoyed how different this pregnancy has been.  I've been super anxious over the idea of having three children.  I sometimes find myself worrying over how I'll run errands or get sleep, but I am certain that God has a perfect plan in mind for our growing family. 

Here are a few things I don't want to forget:

• Cravings:  Green Apples, Chinese food, Cereal
• Aversions:  Any Green Vegetable, Spicy foods
• Changes in Self:  Mood Swings, Emotional Wreck, Thick Fingernails, Itchy Skin, Red Cheeks, Exhaustion, Sleeplessness
• Weight Gain:  14 lbs as of 30th Week
• Difficulties:  Sleeping, Not Being Able to Lift Daniel, Getting Over-Heated, Nausea, Heartburn, Anxiety, Saying No Because I've Had To
• Enjoyments:  Wearing Maternity Clothes, Watching Daniel's Face When He Feels His Brother Move, People's Reaction to Our Growing Family, Waiting On Baby's Name
• Times to Remember:  Revealing the Gender via Cakeball Cookies, When Daniel Went through a Phase of Wanting to Call Him BABY JESUS, Hearing Samuel Say What Could Be the Baby's Name

Other Memorable Moments Thus Far:

• 4th Week (September):  Sick and Tired - exhaustion leads to a positive pregnancy test or two
• 9th Week - (October):  Shared the News - after first appointment, we told family members and close friends about the pregnancy
• 11th Week:  Popcorn - began feeling baby movements but wasn't sure...
• 12th Week (November):  Making It Public - In a Facebook update on thankfulness, I mentioned for the first time the pregnancy, but very few people seemed to catch on.  It read, I am thankful for God's gracious gifts of two children to raise, two to look forward to meeting in Heaven, and one on its way!
• 18th Week (December):  Braxton Hicks Contractions - early tightness considered normal with third pregnancy
• 20th Week (January):  Secret Revealed? - announcement that I'm 20 wks on Facebook gets MANY questions and congrats
• 21st Week (January):  It's a Boy - ultrasound easily reveals gender
• 23rd Week (January):  ER Visit - difficulty breathing + chest pain + lots of testing = bronchitis
• 24th Week (January/February):  Asthmatic Bronchitis - worsened symptoms meant more antibiotics, steroids, and breathing treatments
• 26th Week (February):  Super Nauseous - heartburn makes for miserable meals
• 27th Week (February):  Big Meets Baby - Daniel feels his baby brother's kicks
• 28th Week (February):  Baby Needs a Name - Daniel and Samuel, when asked to choose between the two names God has given Brian and me, always say a certain one... 
• 29th Week (March):  Heat Wave - strange warm weather makes me one hot momma
• 30th Week (March):  Nesting - nervous over the house being dirty, toys being everywhere, not having enough groceries, needing to run errands, frantically planning the older boys' birthday party for April
• 31st Week (March):  Day of Contractions - Sunday, the 18th, was a day of MANY contractions.  Woke at 6 a.m. not feeling well, and contractions soon followed.  Taking an afternoon nap and drinking a TON of water caused them to slow down.

Heaven has in Store...

what thou has lost.

My sister gave me the most beautiful necklace in honor of our sweet baby.

We have received the most amazing love and support from our family and friends since losing Elisabeth Joy.  From cards and calls to dinners and visits, we have felt God's presence since the moment we realized we were pregnant and even since the devastating miscarriage.

I never even suspected it this time around.  I really didn't.  Despite my first pregnancy ending in miscarriage, I delivered two healthy babies with little to no problems, and losing this fourth child never entered my mind.  That is what peace is. 

God has comforted my heart since that first miscarriage.  Yes, I realize I have two children and a lot of prayer to thank for that in some ways, but more importantly, I have Christ to give all of the glory to.  Somehow, despite this loss, I have found it exciting imagining what all Heaven has in store for me.  I'm not ready to go by any means, but if God should decide my time has come, I actually am looking forward to Heaven a little bit more since it gained our "Joy."

Everyday since the miscarriage has been filled with such joy...  It only seems fitting that this is what God gave me to name this child.  Seriously, I have watched the two children God has given me grow and play with all the life that is within them.  They have filled my broken heart with such laughter that I cannot help but be more joyous than ever.  Life is good.  Heaven is full.  My heart is home.



Thank you for your responses regarding our loss.  You'll never know what it means for you to mention us and our children (all of them) in prayer.  Thank you for your cards, calls, visits, dinners, and love. 

Can I Share More?

I had a feeling I was pregnant when we traveled to Gatlinburg in the middle of November, but didn't know for sure until I started craving apples later in that week.  On the way home from the trip, we stopped at Dollar General and bought a test.  To our surprise, we saw a second, faint pink line appear.  It was faint, so we waited until the next morning to take another test, which proved negative.  Days later, I was still late, and got the notion to buy a digitial pregnancy test, which after reading the results, Brian and I were certain that "Pregnant" could not be mistaken.

We were shocked.  Stunned.  Silenced.  We couldn't believe the Lord was blessing us with another pregnancy.  We were so amazed that we decided to keep this pregnancy a secret until we got more information from our doctor.  I was tired over the next few weeks.  Very tired.  I didn't have any other symptom other than wanting to eat apples.  Have I mentioned I highly dislike apples?!  With both boys' pregnancies, I craved apples. 

When we went for our first appointment, we were given the due date of July 22, 2011.  We also had an ultrasound.  According to my last cycle, I should have been approximately 8-9 weeks, but the baby measured at 6 weeks and 1 day.  The doctor didn't show any cause for concern other than our dates may be off and decided it'd be best for me to come back in two weeks for a second ultrasound.  We weren't exactly worried, but we could not make the dates work in our minds.  We had actually thought that my previous cycle was a miscarriage because it was so strange, but with this new pregnancy, there was no way it could have been.  So we waited...

However, two days before my scheduled ultrasound and while visiting family in West TN, I began bleeding.  It was off and on for the next few hours, so I didn't worry too much.  I just wanted to get home.  When we left that night, my husband's aunt Christy asked if I had news to share...  I'm wishing now that I would have, but I was spotting and wasn't sure of anything.

We called the doctor the next morning and had our ultrasound that afternoon.  The news was not good.  We were, in fact, almost 11 weeks along, but the baby had passed at 6 weeks and 1 day.   I was in the process of miscarrying.  The pain was excruciating, but my heart was calm.  I was hurt and upset, but so peaceful.  I laid in bed that night crying over the loss of this child when the Lord spoke Psalm 30:5 to me, "For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  Oh, how sweet those words were to a grieving mother! 

As I waited on the Lord that night, He gave me the name, Elisabeth Joy, for our baby.  I immediately texted it to Brian as he was studying in his office across the hall, and we both cried.

The next two days were hard.  In and out of the hospital with pain and enduring the loss of what would have been our fourth child.  In February 2008, we miscarried our first, Ethan Caleb.  In April 2009, we delivered Daniel Bejamin ,who is now 20 months old.  In May 2010, we welcomed Samuel Levi, who is now 7 months old.  We would have expected Elisabeth Joy in July 2011, but God's plans were different and we look forward to meeting her one day.

It sounds difficult and my heart may seem sad, but it isn't.  My heart is full with what God has done for me.  He has seen fit to bless my husband and me with a fourth child.  We now have two babies in Heaven.  We also have two amazing babies here with us.  In all honesty, I have looked at Daniel and Samuel in a different light since losing this baby...  I've noticed how blessed I am to have them, what gifts they truly are, and when God gives us children, they are only ours to borrow.  I am excited (and scared) to share this story with you because it will be heart-breaking to some, but to others, it will be encouragement. 

God has given me these four children, whether on earth or in Heaven, as part of His story to share through me.  I want to inspire others to trust Him, take Him at His Word, and love Him for what He does and does not do.  I want to let Him shine through me be it through tragedy and loss or in joy and happiness.  I am His, and whatever I have or have been given is His to take.  What an honor to realize that through this baby...  I had to share her story.

Elisabeth Joy

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

With one year coming to an end and with a new one at hand, my mind is consumed with how good God has been this past year.

• After months of praying over how we could get a larger vehicle, the Lord managed to total our Malibu in February on I-65 going 70 mph and hitting the median twice.  Brian and I were on our way to church, I was 7 months pregnant, Daniel had just been dropped off at his Mimi's, and somehow NONE of us were hurt.
• We celebrated our third anniversary on March 31, 2010!  I was feeling very pregnant, so we ate at Demos' and then headed to Walmart to finish up with Daniel's birthday party supplies.
• After a very difficult pregnancy and a week of bedrest, I was able to celebrate Daniel's first birthday with him.  I had worked so hard on it that the idea of not being there was hard, so it was so amazing that I was released from bedrest just days before his birthday party!
• I woke up on Daniel's first birthday on April 20, 2010, bleeding...  My doctor was certain I was going to have the baby that day, so I was transferred to Baptist to be at a hospital with a NICU seeing as I was only 35 weeks.  Despite all of the trauma, days in the hospital, and many doses of magnesium, the baby was able to stay in the womb and was in perfect condition.
• We delivered a healthy, 7.4 lb., 18 1/2 inch baby boy on May 23, 2010.  Samuel Levi was dark-headed, blue-eyed, and amazing!  Labor was fast and delivery was in 12 minutes.  Wow, what a blessing!
• Brian turned 30 on June 25, 2010, and despite having two babies on my hands, I managed to conjure up a surprise party for him!  We were blessed with friends and family there to celebrate. 
• I took both boys to Gatlinburg for the 4th of July!  My mom and Jessica invited us to go along, and though it was difficult, it'll be a memory I cherish for years to come.
• Daniel started Mother's Day Out on August 17, 2010, and since then, his vocabulary, social skills, motor skills, and thoughtfulness have taken off!  He sings and dances all the time, and it's incredible to watch him grow like this. 
• Daniel was diagnosed with asthma in September, but after a month of using an inhaler, he was FINE!  Praise God from whom all these blessing flow!
• October flew quickly by, but it was in that month that I really saw love in its purest form.  Daniel loved Samuel with more love than can be explained.  He woke every morning waiting to kiss his baby brother, and when Samuel cried Daniel wanted to help.  It was more precious than any blessing I'd received.
• In November, we were blessed by visiting Gatlinburg with my family and Thanksgiving with Brian's.  Other blessings followed...  Samuel had an ultrasound of a small skin tag on his neck that proved it was not a tumor or a cyst! We also learned of our fourth pregnancy on November 14, 2010.  Though we decided not to share it until we had more details from our doctor, we were anxious to see what God had in store.
• December 2010 was filled with surprises, blessings, and loss.  We spent such great time with our family and friends over the weekends and holidays.  We watched our boys celebrate Christmas with such excitement.  We learned how to live simply and how to love more.  We saw our fourth baby on the ultrasound screen when we believed we were 8 weeks, though it wasn't as far along as we thought, and two weeks later, we learned the baby had passed at 6 weeks.  The Lord gave me the baby's name on December 30th, but to our dismay, we had to inform family of the baby and its loss when I went in to have surgery on December 31, 2010. 

It's hard to end the year on such a sobering blessing, but we are reminded yet again that God is good.  He gives and takes away, and He turns mourning into great joy.

Grace Abounds

In every tiny kick and each little spout of heartburn, my Lord's grace abounds.

There was a time two years ago this same month when I was at this place:  pregnant, uncertain, and extremely scared.  It was just weeks into our first pregnancy when I learned that we had miscarried.  I didn't feel anything or any different; I just imagined that there was this precious person growing within me and everything was fine.  Yet it wasn't.  Ten weeks into the pregnancy, we were told that it wasn't viable.  There was no heartbeat.  No movement.  No kicks.  No, nothing at all.

However, to this day, I cannot think that it was nothing.  I cannot believe that that baby was not a baby.  I don't know whether it was a girl or a boy, but I know it was a child of God.  Perfectly knit in my womb to fulfill God's plans for my life.  What that is, is anything but "nothing." 

Somehow, these two years later, I have learned that those days, those moments, those horrific valleys of despair were actually times of God's amazing grace.  He redeemed me.  He restored me.  He taught me that He was in control, and now, with our third baby thriving in my womb, I am able to be at complete peace knowing that God knows what is to come.

More than ever, I am able to experience God's grace with a deep appreciation for my Father.  He was there when I was conceived.  He was there that January afternoon when my mother's water broke.  He knew my hip would be dislocated and that I would wear a brace to correct it for 6 months of my life.  He also knew that years later I would have three children of my own.  He even realized that giving one up to Heaven before I ever met it would break me.  He understood that I needed that.  He knew that Daniel would be my first born son.  He knew Daniel would have a brother.  He just knew even way back when, and that is grace. 

So, with every new stage in life (and in this pregnancy), I have learned to look for His grace...  Because it's there.  It surrounds me.  It shapes who I am, who I've lost, who I'm raising, and also who I am carrying.  But I'll never forget that it was this same month two years ago when God's grace made me who I am, taught me about loss, showed me how to be a mother, and how to trust that God is in control of life.  Grace, it's so good.

Carrying a Blessing

Maybe you haven't noticed it, but I can't help but stare every time I see it...
 
It's that little gadget on the top right side of this page, and it's a daily reminder of how truly blessed I am.

Being a woman who has miscarried and was later given a child, I am incredibly fascinated by the process God takes in creating a child in a woman's womb.  I read all I can about what's taking place each week with this new miracle, and though I've already been here and done this all before, I am still amazed by God.  I am floored by what He's doing within me.  I am humbled that He's chosen me to carry this one, and though losing a child taught me to understand this, I cannot help at times to be human and want to be in control...  You know?

It's my body, yet it's actually His. 
It's my baby, yet it's totally His. 
It's our future, but it's completely His.

How in the world did God look down and pick me?  How did He know that Brian would be exactly the friend I'd want to have in every situation?  How did He know that losing our first baby would break me?  How did He know that I'd need time to heal?  How did He know that Daniel would bring more joy to me than I could have imagined?  How did He know that conceiving a third child would bring a calming peace over me in the midst of pregnancy and infancy? 

I'm not sure.  There's so much about my Lord that I simply cannot understand...

But this is what I do know.  He's good, and He just knows.  Not only that, but it's all His.  All I've been given and all I own, I owe to Him.  So, this sweet blessing is just that...  His child being carried by another one of His children...



I am 20 weeks along with Baby #3...

In The Small Stuff

I have posting upon posting to do (like I know that you're ecstatic over hearing about Daniel's first Christmas and how many teeth he has and how Baby #2 is doing with its perfectly beating heart and all about how this second pregnancy and an 8-month-old are treating me), but in this quiet moment, when Daniel is tucked peacefully into bed and will, without a doubt, sleep at least four hours, as he has become prone to do, I find myself in awe of how good God has been to me.


There was a time when all I wanted was to be married.  After that, all I really wanted was to be pregnant.  Then, when the Lord answered that request and suddenly took it away, all I really needed was love.  It took four long, devastating months for me to find that God had given me that too...  oh, you know, in the eyes of my husband who longed for me to live again and then in the simple statement of a purple plus sign on a pregnancy test.  After that surprise, all I really wanted was a healthy baby girl, and the Lord gave me that as well in the form of a beautiful, blue-eyed, energetic little BOY.  And to be completely honest, I haven't expected or asked for much else.  What seriously could be better than all of that?!


Well, it's in those moments when you know there's nowhere else you'd rather be...  

When you're busy working on the house, and your baby comes crawling up to you with his hands lifted high.

When you're exhausted, and at 8-months-old, your little one decides to sleep at least four hours a night.

When you're ill as a hornet, and your husband attempts to make you laugh by playing the Grinch.

When you're fearing there is no heartbeat, and the nurse proudly states, "138 bpm."

When you're dealing with nightly morning sickness, and it's more than enough.


When you're unsure of yourself, and you walk a mile and a half carrying two babies - that is, the one in the womb and the one in the carrier.


When you're afraid He doesn't hear you, He, without your noticing, answers all of your small, unspoken prayers...

My Heart Aches for You...

Oh, how I wish you were with me today. As I worried over myself with the aches and pains of pregnancy, I didn't think of you today as I should have. I didn't worry over you, and the thought of you didn't hurt me as it used to. I didn't speak your name, and now, it hurts because I didn't.

I want to say it now. I would shout it from the rooftop if I knew it would help. It doesn't. Each time I think of you, it makes me extremely proud. I am so thankful that you were mine; if only for a few short weeks, you truly were mine. I cannot be saddened when I think of you now. I am so happy for you, and there are times when I long to be with you.

It's not time yet. I have to be here. I have the great opportunity of being pregnant and being married to a man I know you would have loved. I am learning each day that God is completely in control, and having realized that, I was able to deal with you being gone.

I imagine you walking down the streets of Heaven today. You would be five months old today if the Lord would have allowed me to carry you, but it was a year ago today that we learned your heart had never beat inside my womb. I lost you one year ago today...

Oh, Ethan Caleb, how I miss you and how proud of you I am. I am sorry for each day that goes by and I don't say your sweet name. I am sorry you will never meet your brother, Elijah Thomas. I am so sorry that you aren't here with us, but I'll never forget how much better off you really are.

My heart hurts sometimes when I am asked if the child I am carrying now is our first, and my immediate reaction is, "Yes." You see, it aches because Elijah isn't our first. You are my first. You are the one I wanted to hold first. You are the one I longed for and the one my heart begged the Lord for, and yet the Lord took you straight into His arms. At first, that was hard for your mommy and daddy to understand, but now, it fills our hearts with complete joy. It makes Heaven so much sweeter knowing you are there waiting for us...

I wish you were here, Ethan. I wish I could hold you. I wish I knew your face. I wish it was easier than it is. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth... The truth is that your Father, the one you are with right now, loves you more than I do. He considered you absolutely perfect and decided He wanted you with Him. Do you know how special you are? Do you know that you are thought of and missed so very much? When I say my heart aches, it isn't bad, sweet baby. It aches to be in Heaven with you.