Wishing It Away

It wasn't that long ago when I found myself wishing his life away...  I couldn't wait until he slept through the night.  I wanted him to hurry up and just crawl.  I was wishing he could walk.  I was so ready for him to talk.  I begged him to get out of diapers and be potty trained.  I couldn't wait until he started preschool.  For the past four years, I have been wishing it all away.

Now that he is doing all of those things and is about to turn five in a little over a week, I am realizing how much time I wasted by looking forward instead of being in the moment I had with him.  Just recently, I have really started listening to him, discovering his heart, seeing who he is, praying for who I want him to be, and cherishing these last few "pre-K" days.

I've noticed how funny he is and how he loves to be the center of attention.  He adores his friends, and he wants, more than anything, to be liked by others.  He enjoys sports and action figures, and his favorite foods are Taco Bell, Cracker Barrel, chicken nuggets, fruit (in particular blueberries, apples, raspberries, and blackberries) applesauce, gummy snacks, pizza, and anything barbecue flavored.  He can sing really well, but he doesn't care to sing with a group; he's more of a soloist kind of guy.  He wants to be heard.  He likes to give the details of every situation.  At any given moment of the day, he is either telling me he wants to be outside in the dirt, eating a snack, or playing in the bathtub.  He prefers getting dressed all by himself, and he likes to fix his own hair.  He craves one-on-one attention and needs to feel special.  He likes to know you are listening to him.  He wants to go do something every single day and if he can't, he would like a visitor to come over.  He loves John Deere, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and soccer.  He is super interested in WHY things happen...  (like tonight when we hit a opossum in the road, he asked why the opossum decided to get in the road and why does he have a long tail and why does he look mean and why do you think he's gross, Mom, and why did we run over it and why did it NOT die and why can't we keep it?!)  He knows exactly what he wants.  He does NOT like to follow instructions because he is strong-willed.  He gets his feelings hurt when others won't play with him.  He loves to paint and play with playdoh.  He always sticks his tongue out when he is working really hard.  He loves trains and dirt and tractors and marbles and flashlights.  He really likes to watch things grow.  He loves to tickle and be tickled.  He always wants to hug his favorite people.  He begs to go to church and loves to be there.  He likes to sing about Jesus.  He knows the words to more songs on the radio than I do.  He says a lot of things to the tune of a song.  He is ridiculously honest.  He's quite bold.  He is a visual, hands on learner.  He cannot sit still, but despite that, he is listening to EVERYTHING that's being said.  He loves his Daddy.  He cannot wait to get big.  He likes to feel smart.  He needs approval.  He drives me crazy, but he's my everything.

I wish I could have seen these things more clearly during the haze of the infant and toddler stages, but I know that God has blessed me with the time I've been able to spend with him this past year...  Teaching him in Pre-K has been a tremendous opportunity I will NEVER forget.  I have learned so much about my son and about myself and how similar we really are.  Maybe I wished his life away because life was a bit overwhelming.  Most of his life, I've been pregnant, nursing, and/or taking care of a baby; I don't feel I was able to focus on him the way I wish I had.  Yet, I'm learning day by day to take him in, pray over him, and enjoy him.  It won't be long before he'll step into elementary school, but until then, I'm going to stop wishing it away and just wish he could stay like this forever.

Sweetest Thing

I asked Daniel earlier this afternoon where he wanted to go for his Valentine's dinner, and he responded: "WHAT?! Are you and Dad taking us to Cracker Barrel? This is going to be awesome! Thank you, Mom." 

I said, "I doubt we're going there. Is there anywhere else you think is nice?" 

He said, "Well, um, maybe Pant-your-o's (Painturos), or Taco Bell. I love it there. Their curly chips are so good. I like Chick fil A too; you know, because it's really nice."

After that discussion, I laid the boys down for a nap because I knew if we were eating out, they'd need to be well rested for it.  SO, while Elias and Samuel were napping, Daniel decided he didn't need to nap.  I told him over and over to get into his bed and rest even if he wasn't tired.  

Imagine my frustration as I heard his voice echoing into the room where I was secretly wrapping their Valentine's gifts.  Frustration soon turned into tears when I walked out and saw his sweet face.  

You see, he'd spend his rest time getting "ready" for our dinner without my knowledge.  

He'd taken off his play clothes, put lotion all over his body, got dressed in church clothes (khakis, dress shoes, and button-up shirt which he'd buttoned ON HIS OWN), brushed his teeth, wet his hair and combed it.  

Then, when fully dressed, he came into my bathroom (where I was wrapping) and said, "Mom, you didn't know, but I got ready for our dinner all by myself.  Don't I look nice?  I even brushed my hair to the side because sometimes it gets in my eyes and this way you'll be able to see my eyes while we're eating."

I cannot believe God blessed me like this.  Daniel, his brothers, and his Daddy are the best gifts of love I've ever received, and I'm constantly reminded that God's love for me is greater than I can fathom simply through living this life.  Tonight, it was in the face of an independent, loving 4-year-old.  

Things I Love... Lately.

• Time Alone with My Husband
• Staying Home with Our Boys
• Words of Affirmation
• Taking Pictures
• Piles of Laundry
• Learning to Cook...  More.
• Laughter 
• Pretending and Imaginations of 3 Brothers
• Messy Floors
• Heroes, Ninja Turtles, and Bubble Guppies
• Party Planning
• Teaching
• Crafting
• Painting
• New Contact Prescription
• Plans to Celebrate our 7th Anniversary
• Family who is ALWAYS willing to help
• Church Home who is ALSO Family
• Reading the New Testament
• Pajama Wearing
• Thirty-One Make Up Bag 
• Vera Bradley
• Polka Dots, Chevron, and Houndstooth
• Anticipation of Vanderbilt Football - hurry back!
• History and Memories
• Antibiotics and Inhalers
• Soccer Season is COMING for a certain 4-year-old
• Expanding Vocabulary of a certain 21-month-old
• A certain 3-year-old coming out of his shyness
• When brothers play TOGETHER
• Hearing children quote scripture
• When little boys ask to hear the Bible
• When prayers are answered...  clearly.
• For an opportunity to speak to fathers and daughters
• Friends
• Silliness
• Smiles
• Supper at the Kitchen Table
• Pre-K - such a fun age, and I get to teach my own preschooler and 11 others that I adore!
• Moments like these:

Sweet

You want to know what is super sweet?

Daniel.

He really is. 

Let me explain...

As of late, Daniel becomes very concerned the very second Samuel wakes from his naps.  He announces, "Mommy, Samuel awake.  He's cryin'."  He will say this over and over until I follow him into the boys' room to get Samuel from his crib.  Sweet, right?!

Daniel's vocabulary is booming.  Some of the sweetest things he says right now are:  "I love you."  (he still hasn't told Mommy he loves her.)  "I sorry, Mommy."  "Help me, please."  The lines, "Jesus loves me this I know for the BI-ble tells me so."  Oh, and he sings, "Joy, Joy, Where?!," from I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, where?! song.  I'm telling you, these are so sweet!

Tonight, on our way home from revival, I suggested that Brian roll down the windows in the car to make some "white noise" to ease a very fussy Samuel.  Moments later, Samuel was silent, and Daniel was as well.  I turned to find Daniel with his hand blowing in the wind and a huge grin across his sweet face.  He was so excited!

But, honestly, the sweetest thing about Daniel is his love of physical touch.  When we lay him in his bed at night, he wants one of us to stay right beside his bed, and then he'll stick his arm through the toddler bed railing to hold our hands.  When he has done something by himself (like build a mega block tower or connected every single one of his train tracks together), Daniel will grab my hand, lead me to his creation, stand beside me, hand in hand, and very proudly point.  He blows kisses to whoever we are leaving.  He hugs his brother and tickles him endlessly.  AND, just tonight, as he was falling asleep, rubbed my hair until he couldn't stay awake any longer... 

But I'll be blunt here and tell you that Daniel isn't always sweet.  He just might be the most challenging child I've ever faced in my life.  In fact, he has learned how to push my buttons like no one else and has even caused me to lose my temper like I will never admit.  I find myself angrier than I care to get and more impatient with each passing hitting or pushing incident, terrible two tantrum, and disobedient move he makes.  He tends to bring out my worst qualities on most days.

However, I am reminded constantly, through this little child, that I have been given the awesome opportunity from God to raise him.  I honestly believe, on some days, he is raising me.  He is teaching me to be calmer and less temperamental.  He shows me that laughter is better than anger, and messes only last for a short while.  One day, I'll miss his tantrums and hearing him say, "I sorry, Mommy," after he's had a timeout.  I am learning that I cannot grow as a parent OR a person without these teachable moments from my child.  The negative habits and dramatic personality I see in Daniel are ones I've passed down to him, and I am being forced to change so that he will see more of Christ and less of me.

There isn't anything sweet about me.  Except for this great, big fact...   God is sweet on me (and you).  He is incredibly good to me.  He's given me a heart that longs for Him, and because of that, I am constantly being molded to look more like Christ.  Why is this so important?  Well, there is a little set of eyes that imitates most everything he sees his Mommy do, and God knows that if He can use Mommy to win this little boy to Him, then it will all be worth it.  Daniel's heart could one day love like Christ, and hopefully, I can be what God used to get him to that point. 

I imagine years from now I'll look back on these days and will have forgotten the frustrating times.  I'll be able to see past all the things that were so difficult about raising Daniel.  I'll realize that it was God's way of raising me to look more like His Son.  I'll understand that without the child-rearing pains, there would be no gains.  Most importantly, I hope to remember how sweet it was to be Daniel's Mommy and how deeply I was/am loved by the King.

Arms Wide Open

As I sat at my desk this morning, I overheard two little playful brothers laughing hysterically at one another.  My initial reaction was to wonder what the older of the two had done in order for the younger brother to laugh.  I'm just being honest. 

What surprised me was what I found when I quietly looked around the corner of my "office" door:  two little boys, with two completely different temperaments, sitting in the living room floor with their sweet arms wrapped around one another.  I almost choked on my own tears within that quick moment. 

I have been overwhelmingly wrapped up in God's love over the past few days.  He continually shows me how much He loves me despite our (obvious) differences.  He looks past my faults and failures and loves me just the way He made me. 

So, as I watched my children grin at one another this morning, I was reminded yet again of how much God loves me and how He is always waiting for me with His arms wide open...

A LOVEly Weekend in Pictures

We spent our Valentine's weekend on the go, and while we aren't big fans of all the details and "hoop-la" surrounding many holidays, we have decided that we can show God's love in every "holiday" that we experience.  So, here is how we spent our Valentine's with the ones we love...

Mimi brought the boys their Valentine's gifts early on the 12th. 

Daniel received an awesome box of snacks, a talking Toby train from Thomas and Friend, a Toby apple juice cup, and some other goodies. 

Samuel got some Gerber Puffs, a box of Gerber baby food, and a set of cars.  The boys got Mimi a gift card to Cato and a bag of her favorite candies.

After spending the evening at our church's "It's a Love Story" dinner, we came home to find our firstborn wide awake and ready for his own loving!

We spent the entire Valentine's Day together!  We started our day outside, enjoying the beautiful sunshine!

 

Grandpa brought Daniel his own box of Dum-Dum suckers!

Daniel and Samuel gave Pa a box of banana chips and Snickers.

Pa and Mimi kept the boys for Mommy and Daddy to go to dinner.

We attempted a few family shots...

But Mommy and Daddy ended up eating at Longhorn and watching a movie, in the van!

The next morning, we woke to find Samuel not feeling so well.

He continued getting worse.  Details will follow in a later post.

Daniel went to Mother's Day Out and brought home this Valentine to Mommy and Daddy.

He spent most of his evening enjoying all of the Valentines he received at MDO.

Daniel loved his Valentines from Mommy and Daddy:

a Whiff train from Thomas and Friends and Hero of the Rails golden book.

Daddy let Daniel pick his very own Valentine's balloon...

He chose an Elmo one.

Samuel loved his gifts too:

a set of cars (the same set Mimi got him) and a First Words book.

He really liked watching Daniel's balloon.  :)

Did I mention that Aunt Ca ALSO spent Valentine's evening with the boys AND got them lots of goodies?!  Seriously, we are so loved.



Looking Back and Looking Ahead

With one year coming to an end and with a new one at hand, my mind is consumed with how good God has been this past year.

• After months of praying over how we could get a larger vehicle, the Lord managed to total our Malibu in February on I-65 going 70 mph and hitting the median twice.  Brian and I were on our way to church, I was 7 months pregnant, Daniel had just been dropped off at his Mimi's, and somehow NONE of us were hurt.
• We celebrated our third anniversary on March 31, 2010!  I was feeling very pregnant, so we ate at Demos' and then headed to Walmart to finish up with Daniel's birthday party supplies.
• After a very difficult pregnancy and a week of bedrest, I was able to celebrate Daniel's first birthday with him.  I had worked so hard on it that the idea of not being there was hard, so it was so amazing that I was released from bedrest just days before his birthday party!
• I woke up on Daniel's first birthday on April 20, 2010, bleeding...  My doctor was certain I was going to have the baby that day, so I was transferred to Baptist to be at a hospital with a NICU seeing as I was only 35 weeks.  Despite all of the trauma, days in the hospital, and many doses of magnesium, the baby was able to stay in the womb and was in perfect condition.
• We delivered a healthy, 7.4 lb., 18 1/2 inch baby boy on May 23, 2010.  Samuel Levi was dark-headed, blue-eyed, and amazing!  Labor was fast and delivery was in 12 minutes.  Wow, what a blessing!
• Brian turned 30 on June 25, 2010, and despite having two babies on my hands, I managed to conjure up a surprise party for him!  We were blessed with friends and family there to celebrate. 
• I took both boys to Gatlinburg for the 4th of July!  My mom and Jessica invited us to go along, and though it was difficult, it'll be a memory I cherish for years to come.
• Daniel started Mother's Day Out on August 17, 2010, and since then, his vocabulary, social skills, motor skills, and thoughtfulness have taken off!  He sings and dances all the time, and it's incredible to watch him grow like this. 
• Daniel was diagnosed with asthma in September, but after a month of using an inhaler, he was FINE!  Praise God from whom all these blessing flow!
• October flew quickly by, but it was in that month that I really saw love in its purest form.  Daniel loved Samuel with more love than can be explained.  He woke every morning waiting to kiss his baby brother, and when Samuel cried Daniel wanted to help.  It was more precious than any blessing I'd received.
• In November, we were blessed by visiting Gatlinburg with my family and Thanksgiving with Brian's.  Other blessings followed...  Samuel had an ultrasound of a small skin tag on his neck that proved it was not a tumor or a cyst! We also learned of our fourth pregnancy on November 14, 2010.  Though we decided not to share it until we had more details from our doctor, we were anxious to see what God had in store.
• December 2010 was filled with surprises, blessings, and loss.  We spent such great time with our family and friends over the weekends and holidays.  We watched our boys celebrate Christmas with such excitement.  We learned how to live simply and how to love more.  We saw our fourth baby on the ultrasound screen when we believed we were 8 weeks, though it wasn't as far along as we thought, and two weeks later, we learned the baby had passed at 6 weeks.  The Lord gave me the baby's name on December 30th, but to our dismay, we had to inform family of the baby and its loss when I went in to have surgery on December 31, 2010. 

It's hard to end the year on such a sobering blessing, but we are reminded yet again that God is good.  He gives and takes away, and He turns mourning into great joy.

Too Fast

My boys are growing so quickly that I cannot find time to write about them.  Seriously.

Samuel is a little chunk.  He was so little at birth (as compared to Daniel), but now, he is suddenly so big and outgrowing clothes and diapers faster than Daniel EVER did.  I found him on his belly in his bed the other night, so he's busy rolling over now.  He loves the bath too, but he's so big that he barely fits on his bath net.  It's so precious when he looks up and smiles at us.  Samuel is such a calm, happy baby. 

Daniel is a little comedian.  He's busy all day long laughing and throwing fits just to get my attention.  His favorite word is "Hello," and he literally says it one thousand times a day.  He likes eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches and pretending to give us a bite then stealing it away only to put the food in his own mouth.  Daniel is such an energetic, loving child.

The best part about my boys growing is that they are growing to love one another.  Daniel runs to the bedroom every morning waiting to see Samuel.  He stands at the gate until I lift Samuel into his view, and Daniel will begin with his "Hello" marathon of the day.  If we leave Samuel on the couch or anywhere in Daniel's reach, he is going to find his way onto the baby.  He doesn't hurt him...  Daniel just kisses him, gives hugs, and touches Samuel's fingers, toes, and belly.

It's all happening so quickly, but it's an incredibly blessed time. 

The Sweetest Thing

I've ever seen...

is love like this.

So Much Can Happen...

in just two weeks.

Two Sundays ago, Brian and I had just dropped Daniel off at his Mimi's so we could head to church (well, so I could actually pay attention in church) when the Lord really opened our eyes.  In less than five seconds, driving down I-65 towards Nashville, we hit a bump in the road, hydroplaned, and hit the concrete median...  twice.  I cannot remember now what I was thinking then other than if I had to die, I wanted to be holding Brian's hand.  That's exactly what I did. 

We were going so fast...  It happened so quickly that Brian began speaking prayers aloud to the Lord, and I remember wanting him to know I loved him, so I grabbed his hand as we were hitting the median the first time.  I remember also thinking that another car was going to hit us...  It didn't, and no sooner than the wreck started, we were sitting on the side of the road waiting for the police officer to write a report.  Brian and I were shaking, but the baby was just kicking as though nothing had happened.  We were sent on our way, despite the damage to both the front and rear bumpers/trunk/hood/etc., and made it to church in time.  Wow.  I still have no idea why the police didn't call for an ambulance...  I was 30 weeks pregnant!

That was two Sundays ago, right?!  The following days were a mad dash to contact insurance, get a rental, and spend the week at a Minister's School/Conference in Bowling Green, KY.  Monday, we called Farm Bureau, got our Chevy Impala rental car, and were thankful to be alive.  Tuesday, we rested and got a call from the collision shop that the damage was more than we expected, I think.  Wednesday, we headed to Bowling Green and while there, we received word that the damage to the car was extensive, and more than likely, would be considered "totaled," as well as began looking for a new vehicle and test-driving an SUV and a mini-van.  Thursday, we were back in Bowling Green, got the check for the amount of the car, got to the bank in time to deposit it, and were still feeling REALLY blessed. 

I had told Brian that I was pretty sure that the car was totaled the night it happened.  Oh, and did I mention that since we have an 11 month old and another baby on his way, that we'd been praying for a larger vehicle, specifically a van, for over 2 months?!  Friday, we actually went to Bowling Green and left to go look again at cars.  We test-drove the SUV again and were sold on it.  We also took a mini-van around the block and didn't like it compared to the SUV.  So, that night, we bought an SUV.  We paid a bit more than the amount we had been given for our totaled car, but we were genuinely thrilled. 

By the following Monday, we were back at the dealership.  Returning our SUV.  Yes, that's right, those words the dealer tells and has you sign on are important.  We remembered we had three days if by any reason we weren't satisfied with the vehicle.  And we weren't.  It had some issues.  Big ones actually.  To my knowledge, here we are a week later, and it's still sitting in the transmission section of the dealership's shop.  So, we're still on Monday, which was about 6 days ago, and we needed another car.  We had the rental, but we were given the opportunity to drive the mini-van again...  It was a little over our price range, but while we were driving it, Brian said that if he could get the dealer to a certain number, he'd buy it.  We get back, the dealer gives us "the best he could do," and we leave just an hour later with a Nissan Quest mini-van, which JUST SO HAPPENED to be a couple hundred dollars LESS than the amount we had received for our car.  Yes, divine providence.

The next few days were amazing as well.  Tuesday, we went to dinner for our third anniversary which was the following day but a church night.  We went to Demos and had Marble Slab.  Nothing fancy, but we had just bought a vehicle and were simply glad to have one another...  after our run-in with a concrete wall.  :)  Wednesday was our 3 year anniversary.  It came and went, but I honestly felt more loved than I ever expected.  Being in a fairly serious car wreck with your spouse can do that to you...  Thursday, I can't remember.  Friday, we cleaned our carpets, talked with our neighbor who just happens to be a realtor (which we're needing), and took Daniel to spend the night with his Mimi so we could get the house ready for two babies...  which meant rearranging a LOT of things and rooms in the house! Yesterday, Saturday, we cleaned more.  It was tedious and repetitive, but we're almost happy and it's just about finished. 

And today is Sunday, Easter.  We spent the day at church, eating a fabulous lunch (that my incredible sister made) with family, watched Daniel open his Easter basket from Mimi, napped, then headed back to church. 

That's just two weeks!

Oh, and I failed to mention that during these two weeks, Daniel has changed:
He got his 5th tooth. 
He began walking...  on his own...  all of the time... 
He started imitating us.
He can make cow, lion, duck, and mouse noises.
He can clap his hands.
He can find the Cheerios box in the cabinet.
He can also open the box and eat away...
He tried his first popsicle, Dorito, and cantaloupe.

Wish You Were Here

Sometimes I imagine talking to her now that I have a son myself.  One that's rambunctious, energetic, and playful, just like I've been told her son was.  I imagine getting to hug her again, sharing dresses and shoes, and even sitting together over a glass of orange Gatorade.  I picture calling her for advice on how to cook Brian's favorite meal and for direction on how to keep a wild child calm.  She has been there.

But now, she's not here.

She left us a year ago today.  She left behind two amazing children, who between the two of them, have given her six grandchildren:  4 who are here, 1 who is with her in Heaven, and 1 who is on his way.  She left behind 3 little ones who called her, "Nana."  They now live in the house she and her precious husband shared.  She also left behind 1 she never met.  She died just 5 weeks before he was born.  And she'll won't be here for this 1 who's on the way... 

However, she's meeting the 1 grandbaby we never did.  When I miscarried, I can remember her being very quiet about it.  She hugged me, but she honestly never discussed it with me.  I don't know if it's because my sorrow made her uncomfortable or because it was difficult for her as well.  I can remember months later, when I became pregnant with our second, that she said, "It is finally time."  I recall her telling me right after Brian and I were married to wait at least a year before getting pregnant, and when I miscarried before our first anniversary, she later told me that it just wasn't time.  That statement from her cut like a knife, but a year after her passing, I'm thankful to have that memory of her. 

Why?  Because she was honest.  She was blunt.  She sometimes hurt your feelings.  Yet she had an incredible way of wanting more of her...  At least, that's how I am feeling now.  Oh, to have just one day with her.  To introduce her to Daniel.  To have her speak to her grandchild in my womb.  To open the fridge to find she has bought Coke in glass bottles and to see the cabinet full of cereal just for us.  To have her tell me what I'm doing right...  and what I'm doing wrong.  To teach me how to cook.  To shop until we dropped.  To just be here. 

Yet, now that she is gone, I'm happy for her.  I'm even somewhat jealous.  She's in the place we all long to go, and she's now happier than I'll ever be while here.  There are days when I cannot wait to be there with her, but for the most part, I'm selfish and wish she was here... 

In memory of my mother-in-law, Cindy

In The Small Stuff

I have posting upon posting to do (like I know that you're ecstatic over hearing about Daniel's first Christmas and how many teeth he has and how Baby #2 is doing with its perfectly beating heart and all about how this second pregnancy and an 8-month-old are treating me), but in this quiet moment, when Daniel is tucked peacefully into bed and will, without a doubt, sleep at least four hours, as he has become prone to do, I find myself in awe of how good God has been to me.


There was a time when all I wanted was to be married.  After that, all I really wanted was to be pregnant.  Then, when the Lord answered that request and suddenly took it away, all I really needed was love.  It took four long, devastating months for me to find that God had given me that too...  oh, you know, in the eyes of my husband who longed for me to live again and then in the simple statement of a purple plus sign on a pregnancy test.  After that surprise, all I really wanted was a healthy baby girl, and the Lord gave me that as well in the form of a beautiful, blue-eyed, energetic little BOY.  And to be completely honest, I haven't expected or asked for much else.  What seriously could be better than all of that?!


Well, it's in those moments when you know there's nowhere else you'd rather be...  

When you're busy working on the house, and your baby comes crawling up to you with his hands lifted high.

When you're exhausted, and at 8-months-old, your little one decides to sleep at least four hours a night.

When you're ill as a hornet, and your husband attempts to make you laugh by playing the Grinch.

When you're fearing there is no heartbeat, and the nurse proudly states, "138 bpm."

When you're dealing with nightly morning sickness, and it's more than enough.


When you're unsure of yourself, and you walk a mile and a half carrying two babies - that is, the one in the womb and the one in the carrier.


When you're afraid He doesn't hear you, He, without your noticing, answers all of your small, unspoken prayers...

I Love You, Daniel

You're in for a treat, because I have FINALLY downloaded quite a few videos we have taken of Daniel in the last month, and since he's turning a WHOPPING 4 months old today, I wanted to share this with you.

It wasn't long ago when we had a day of running errands... Daniel had been quite ill, though, as Mommy and Daddy ran him ragged. However, I caught him in the back seat just smiling up a storm after a bottle. I just reminded him how much he was loved, and turns out, I think he might just feel the same way about me...

Mommy's in Love from Jenna Johnson on Vimeo.

SHOWING MY LIFE - Wedding Dress

If there's one thing I am extremely proud of, it would have to be my wedding. Simply put, it wasn't my own. It was the Lord's. He had orchestrated it, and He had called us to marriage in an three-hour talk at Starbucks.

Brian was my pastor and nothing more at the time. Though we had known each other for three years after having met on a mission trip to Jamaica (even though we lived five miles from each other here at home), it wasn't until he called me on January 23, 2007, that the two of us had ever been alone together. Eight, short days later, we were engaged, and a fun-filled, fast two months later on March 31, we were married. TWO MONTHS. I had a whopping two months to prepare. I mean, I hadn't even had time to think about it. I mean I had dreamed my whole life, but it would be impossible to come up with bright pink and orange daisies in March, and the pink dresses would take up to 12 weeks to arrive! SO, champagne could be ordered in 3 weeks, so champagne and white would be our colors.

I went online soon after realizing this was "it," and found the wedding dress I wanted, but the likelihood of it fitting, looking halfway decent, or it being in my price range was pretty far-fetched. I went to David's Bridal with less than 60 days before the big day and saw the dress immediately. The lady who worked with me said that I HAD to take other dresses back into the fitting room just in case the one I loved didn't work out. I tried on two dresses, and my favorite was the third. Third time was the charm...


After stepping into my dress on my wedding day


Walking into the sanctuary on our wedding day for bridal portraits


A view of the whole dress


Looking down on the dress and the veil


Outside shots after the ceremony


Close-up of beading


Perfect dress for the perfect day

I am in love...

with this man...


who is the father of our son,



the provider for our family,


the leader of our home,


the best friend I have ever had,


and the most amazing father I have ever seen.

Walking in the Newness of Life

I am learning a lot already. On a funny note, I always told everyone who had children that I did not want to change a diaper until I had my own. Well, Jenna is letting me get plenty of experience already. It takes me about 10 minutes, one diaper, and 6 or more wipes to accopmplish the task. Daniel Benjamin's second day has been incredible. He seems to be changing in small ways already, and it is slowly sinking in that life will never be the same.

It reminds me of my walk with Jesus Christ. After being born again at 2:20AM on April 7, 2003, life, though full of many obstacles, has never been the same. I was adopted by the Heavenly Father, brought to life through the blood of His Son Jesus, and delivered from darkness to light through the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit. Life is great knowing God and being cared for by Him. By His grace, Jenna and I are excited to share God's grace and the abundant life we have in Christ with this little boy, Daniel Benjamin.

Thanks for all the love and support you have shown to us. We love you!

Brian, Jenna, and Daniel

Two Years

Sitting in rocking chairs, we discussed everything from the wedding to our future children's names. We rocked and talked for six hours that night. It was our very first date, and we were naive enough to think that everything before us would be the fairy tale we expected.

Life with Brian has been one of the most amazing gifts I have ever been given. I have had a best friend each and every day for the past two years, and without him, I honestly do not know what would have happened. We have faced some very joyous occasions, yet God had more tragic situations in store for us than even I can explain. Our lives are so different now than what we had planned that Friday night at Opry Mills a little over two years ago.

It wouldn't have been reasonable for us to talk about losing our loved ones including both of his parents, having a miscarriage, leaving our jobs, expecting a little boy who will be named after his late father, and making some of the most unforgettable memories of a lifetime in just two, short years.

Tomorrow, we will celebrate two years of marriage. It actually is hard to believe. It is still hard to imagine that we are married. It is still difficult to know that God made this man for me. It is incredible that this is where God has decided for us to go. This path, this journey, this anniversary is a culmination of what I can only say has been the learning experience of a lifetime.

We have rocked day in and day out waiting for the fairy tale... But that's not what life is. It is an amazing gift that is often packaged with heartache and pain. We've opened that gift and experienced first hand what life can be. It is a blessing to be able share these times with you, but there is no one I'd rather have in my life than my husband. He has made the bitter times sweet, and the hard times have been an opportunity for the two of us to cling to the One who put us together.

Happy Anniversary, Brian.
To Heaven and Back. That's my life with you.

No Fear in Love

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.
1 John 4:18

The amount of love I hold for a child who is not yet born is sometimes frightening. I find myself in deep thought, imagining what he will look like and who he will favor. I get caught up in the fact that his ultrasound pictures give the impression that his nose looks like mine, and from becoming obessive over his daily patterns, I have no doubt that he will be as energetic and playful as his father is. I have realized though that this child isn't exactly mine, and I'm not guaranteed one day with him.

Yet, I can remember being a little girl and loving my father in a similar way. I looked forward to his walking through the door each evening, and I loved hearing other people tell me that I looked just like my daddy. I was so wrapped up in the things he said to me, and his approval meant more to me than anything anyone could say. Unfortunately, there were days when his words cut like a knife, and his punishment left my heart aching.

How is it that we will love so much when we have been made to believe that love sometimes fails us? I can recall times when love actually hurt. From middle school relationships to losing loved ones, there were moments in my life when I thought love was not love at all. It was an emotion that caused pain, and it had the possibility of tearing the deepest parts of me apart. With that pain in mind, I often steered clear of love. I hid myself and my heart from being loved. I knew what love had the capability of doing.

That's until I truly learned what love was. I cannot remember exactly when it happened, but a lifetime of major events have occurred to help me see where and WHO love comes from. It happened when I bowed at an altar as a ten-year-old girl and again, when I looked into the eyes of a young preacher that God had intended for me to marry. It happened when my father led me down the aisle and gave me away, and it showed up when I saw my child's beating heart on an ultrasound screen. They are things that happen often in day to day lives, but the magnitude of each act of love was the foreshadowing of a love much greater than I could ever give.

It came from a Father who accepted me as His own. It came from a God that wanted me to be loved. It came from a Father who gave her daddy the grace to let go. It came from a God that was beautifully knitting a child in the womb. That same Father had allowed His own Son to be sacrificed. He had watched as His Son cried out to Him on the cross. He had felt the pain of love in ways I could never comprehend. Yet that same Father understood when my heart was broken and was afraid to love. He allowed me to love without fear. He taught me that true love really was unconditional, and no amount of pain can keep me from loving others as He loved me.

Sometimes love gets the best of us. It often brings out the worst in us. It causes us to do things we would not ordinarily do. It can lead to pain and brokenness. But that is not what God intended. He wanted us to see what love truly was... From birth to His death, Jesus was (and is) love, and because of Him, we can learn to love as we should.

I look back on those days of admiring my daddy and look forward to loving a child of my own, and now I see that it is through Christ that I was and am able to do that at all. God used my father as a means of teaching me to love Him, and He is teaching me how to love a child that is His own. Love isn't supposed to be overwhelming or frightening; it should be a gift that God has given us, and we should learn to do so as He would.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Can You See Love?

As a Kindergarten teacher for two years, I was asked some of the most hilarious, yet complex questions from a number of five-year-olds. "Who made the world?" was one of my favorites. "Who is God?" was a more complicated one to answer. The one I will never forget was, "Is Jesus God's brother?" There were days I found myself so wrapped up in answering their sweet, profound questions that we hadn't even moved off of the carpet into our desks. I challenged myself to make sense of these thoughts in their little heads.

There were days we talked about God quite a bit. Other days, He wasn't mentioned at all. I wanted so badly for each little heart to know who God was, yet in the public classroom setting, there were only so many things I could say. That in itself broke my heart. I knew God was the one giving me the opportunity to speak about Him, and sometimes I actually discovered that maybe, just maybe I had taken our carpet conversations a little too far...

It hasn't been until recently that I have looked back on their questions and really thought them through. I do have a child of my own on the way, and I imagine his little mind will come up with questions like theirs. However, there are days when I have my own childish questions for God Himself. Just in the past week, as our dear friends buried their baby and I felt mine kicking as we said our goodbyes, I have ultimately wondered if love can be seen. Seems like a simple enough question, but it has overwhelmed my mind as I've seen babies pass away and felt babies leap within the womb.

I suppose what we always hear about love is that it is an action or a feeling. Oh, and I completely agree with that, but can I see it? Is it something I can view from a distance or look on with pure delight? How do I know that God's love is here when there are moments I don't feel it at all?

I have SEEN it...
I saw it in the eyes of a young father praying over his sick baby.
I saw it in a church filled with people to pay their respects to that same child.
I saw it in the way the devastated mother remained close to her husband.
I saw it in the tears the preacher cried.
I saw it in the face of my husband when he mentioned Ethan this week.
I saw it in my father's truck as he drove to Kentucky to buy my shower decorations.
I saw it just below my heart, as my stomach continues to grow.
I saw it when my husband felt his baby Elijah kick for the very first time.
I saw it when, in my daily reading, God spared Noah and his family.
I saw it in the way God watered the ground yesterday.
I saw it this morning when I looked outside and saw the sun.
I HAVE SEEN LOVE.

Sometimes, it is hard to notice and impossible to feel. Sometimes, it's so evident that I cannot help but laugh. Sometimes, I just wish I could explain how I am learning how much my God loves us. He shows us all the time. It's in everything He does, creates, and gives us. Do you ever feel as though He's forgotten you? Maybe you feel like He's punishing you. Does it bother you that everything is going wrong? Maybe it's all alright, and it's exactly how God intends it to be. Maybe His love is shining through the pain, and you are too stubborn to see it. Maybe it's you who's missing what He's giving you... A world full of love. Just take the time to see it (because you can).

In Loving Memory of Brady Xavier Hines
10/14/08 - 12/31/08

In Complete Awe of You

Well, I'll admit that twice in one day I became completely awestruck by two amazing beings... It's hard to call them beings in the sense that really they aren't. They are my life, my world you see, and I have been forced to type them into a word like beings... But for the sake of explaining, let me ramble on.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008, is a day I will soon never forget. It began as a normal day with a woman running late to get to her appointment while she knew her husband was more-than-likely already there. He's been amazing throughout all of this pregnancy. He hasn't missed a single thing. I'm so grateful for that.

It went on into a small doctor's office where nurses prodded at this woman's stomach and found the most beautiful heartbeat you've ever heard. In that same room, an expectant father asks if the ultrasound he's been waiting for over four months could be done that moment. He really wasn't pushy; he just felt as though he had to ask with it being the day before Thanksgiving, and WHAT A GIFT to be thankful for!

Soon, that same office had a knock on its small door telling this family that they were going to see their baby, not two weeks from then, but that day! The blood drawing and poking weren't half bad after that. I wasn't so excited to see this little miracle within me.

Not long after lying down on the table, this young couple learned that their baby was a little boy! They watched as he moved his hands around his face, kicked his feet, rolled onto his stomach, and clasped his hands to pray. I was in complete awe of him. RIGHT THEN. I was so, completely, and totally amazed at this little child, growing right under my nose... I cannot explain the love I felt in that moment. I'd never knew what it felt like to be a parent... until then.


His hands in prayer

Driving away with their faces full of joy, the Johnsons couldn't help but see who their Father truly is. He had given them so much to be thankful for, and He completely showed Himself strong. In his father's chin, his mother's nose, and a heart to "pray" after the Lord, how else could God prove His love to them?! Lord, I am completely in awe of You. Thank you for this sweet gift...


Elijah Thomas (1 Kings 18)


With his hands over his head