Hope

As I sit beside Samuel in this hospital bed while the last few hours of his epilepsy monitoring come to an end, I cannot help but feel grateful. He has gone 10 days without an episode, and 3 of those 10 days were in the hospital without medication preventing it. I realize that these facts alone are reasons enough to praise God!

The past year has been a difficult yet hopeful one for Samuel. In January, he began having daily headaches. By March, he was diagnosed with a chiari brain malformation and a pineal cyst. Not long after that, his neurologist confirmed he was having migraines. He has been on different medications, and the side effects have been intense at times. In September, he began having these episodes that were later diagnosed as seizures in October.

However, despite all of this, he began Kindergarten (homeschooling). He learned how to ride a bike. He played his first season of soccer. He knows how to add and subtract. He enjoys writing letters for others and putting them in envelopes. He is a giver and has taken on the joy of blessing others with this. He has learned to save his money and keeps a wallet. He knows sight words and is reading. He loves church, singing, and praying.

I had hoped the doctors would get more information from this hospital stay and that they could tell us exactly what was going on. I wanted to wake in the middle of the night last night, as we have so many times over the last 3 months, to the sound of him needing me. I needed more so they could help us help him.

But God...

In the midst of my wishfulness, God tells me that I already have all that I need. He is the Creator of this unique, precious boy, and He knows exactly what is going on inside of him. He knows when he is waking in the middle of the night, and God is there before my husband and I can rush to his bedside. He tells me that wavy lines aren't the answers I need today. He reminds me to trust that He is in control. He already knew that the doctors wouldn't get what they needed because He has something else in store. What that is may not be for me to know right now, and I have to realize that God Himself is enough.

Whatever you may be facing today, do not let what you want get in the way of what God has planned. Last night, I was selfishly hoping for an episode. However, as I look in the smiling face of my boy this morning, I see that God wanted to bless us with ten days of being seizure free! God's ways are good, and He knows what is best. Allowing Him to have His way makes room for hope. That is what I feel this morning more than anything else.

Completely and Utterly Honest

Can I be completely honest with you? Is it alright if I pour my heart out to you and let you know how I truly feel? Will you think less of me if I tell you how I am struggling? How would you view me if you really knew the person I am?

I have always found a way of being open. You can read my emotions like a book because I often wear my heart on my sleeves. It is easy to tell what I am thinking. It is usually written all over my face. Until recently, I have lived this way, with no fear in my mind that my open heart would ever be broken.

But it is. It is not like me to want to tell the honest truth. Though I am willing to pour my thoughts and ideas out into the air so that all will know them, I never like admitting that I am hurt or disappointed or completely and honestly overwhelmed.

You are probably thinking that it is because I am pregnant and my hormones are raging, but it isn't. It is the fact that I have allowed my faith to become so weak that the devil has been able to creep right into my home and steal my joy. He has found his way into my checkbook, into my head, and more so, into my life. He's in every bill I receive, every comment that someone makes, every open position I see posted online. The worst part is that I realize he's there, yet I cannot do anything to stop him.

You see, it wasn't long ago that God allowed my husband and me to miscarry, quit a teaching position, resign from a church, lose our grandparents and his father to death, and learn to lean completely on Him. It all began in July of 2007, just 3 months after we had gotten married. Some saw this as the Lord proving to us that we shouldn't have wed; we saw it as an opportunity for God to prove Himself. And He has. Truly, He has.

But there comes a point when the trials become overwhelming and they seem too difficult to carry. You wonder why God has chosen you for these battles, and it seems as if the hardships continue to come your way. I'm there. I have started wondering why God has chosen me. Why has He decided that my family must endure such trying times and desperate situations?

I have never been here before. I am even confused if whether or not the Lord hears me anymore. I have never felt so alone in all of my life. I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, and I'm not begging for help. I'm simply at a place that I know many have experienced.

Whether or not I'm questioning God and where He is isn't the point... The point is that I know you are hurting too. Maybe you aren't willing to say it publicly or even admit it to yourself, but I realize now that people are longing to be loved by a Heavenly Father that they feel isn't showing up. I am so there. He says in His Word that we will have troubles, but to cheer up because He has overcome the world. I don't know about you, but I need Him to overcome my life and the hold that the devil has on it. I need to see Him when I open my inbox or read my Bible. I need to know that He's working on the other end. I need to know that He's hearing my prayers and to help me understand when I don't get the answers I want or think I need. I've never experienced the humility I am facing now. But as humbly as I can, I want you to know that I am hurting. Just like you. I know your pains may be different than mine, but to Christ, they are much the same. He's willing to come through for us... And honestly, I wish that moment was now.

Weak in the Knees

I get weak in the knees sometimes. It isn't because I'm pregnant or have a medical issue or anything like that. I just have these moments when I am SO overwhelmed at the possibility that my God is working in my life.

I can remember when I first started realizing that I was pregnant. It was the first week of August, and I couldn't help but think I was. I had the same symptoms I had with my first pregnancy; the only difference was... we had avoided (or so we thought). I kept telling myself that it was impossible, yet I knew how I felt. Pregnant.

Brian became so overwhelmed with the idea that he himself went to Dollar General that week and bought me two tests. I took the $4 test and it was negative. I wasn't devastated, but I wasn't overjoyed either. After losing a child to miscarriage, whether I like to admit it or not, I couldn't help but LONG to have another baby.

A week later, we were in West TN for Brian to preach a revival. I can remember the day clearly as I waited for my period. I left the pew a number of times thinking it had come, but it hadn't. I knew what it meant. My knees were weak.

I waited another day, but still nothing came. With that in mind, I got up from my afternoon nap (in which I never actually napped) and told Brian I had to go get a pregnancy test. He was confused, as the first had been negative. I explained what I had been feeling and that I believed God was telling us something. He agreed I should go.

I drove to the small town's Dollar General and purchased two $1 tests... one for now and one for the next morning, just in case. I returned back to his mother's house and took it. Just minutes later, the two lines appeared. I was again weak in the knees. I walked out to show Brian, and we both were in shock. How could we be pregnant when we had attempted to NOT get to this conclusion?!

The next morning proved another positive test, and weeks later at the OB's office, we saw our 7-week-old child's heart beating on the ultrasound monitor. I saw God's fingerprints in between two tiny x's where my child's body was beginning to form. I was lying down, but I promise my knees went weak. I could not believe what I saw.



Sometimes things in our lives happen that way. We have to see the evidence of God working before we believe He actually is. We expect everything to fall in place so we can see it perfectly crafted just for us. We also try to avoid blessings by attempting to prevent certain things from happening.

What I have realized is that God isn't concerned with what it is I am trying to do. His first priority isn't to check with me about something He is planning on doing in my life. He also knows how badly I need to see His handiwork before I'll truly trust in Him. He realizes that I have been crushed by His plans before, and He knew exactly how He would prove Himself strong to me once more.

Each day those moments come when I feel the flutter of a tiny child. I see them in the eyes of a husband I truly don't deserve. I hear them in the voice of my friends and family. I can now understand that He is working, though I don't see it, in so many ways to prove to us once more that He is GOD. I sometimes feel Him most when my knees go weak, and He's right there to catch me before I fall.

Wrong Impression

I know what you've been thinking...

I know that you've worried about how I am and where I've been and what it is I've been doing since I lost my child a little over six months ago. I say that now, the part about my child, with such gratitude from the depths of my heart to the very heart of God. I've learned in the past months that only time can heal wounds of the deepest manner, and only God is capable of helping you understand the hurt, disappointment, and reasoning.

I know that in a few weeks, when his due date rolls around, how difficult it will be. I haven't doubted that at all, but what I have left is the wrong impression. As I grieved this loss in a very open manner, I seem to have given everyone the idea that I am weak, and believe me, I am. But not because I've loved and lost a child that was never really mine to hold.

I know that you may not understand this, but I am so grateful that God chose me. You see, it's taken me six months to realize it was ME he chose for this valley. He wanted ME to endure the pain and turn to Him. He longed for ME to love Him the way He does me. He ached when I did, and He rejoiced when I FINALLY realized it was ALL for His glory.

Maybe I've painted a negative picture of the grief I have had, and maybe I've left you with the impression that I wasn't strong enough to handle it all. Maybe you wondered if I was downcast or depressed, and maybe you've wondered whether or not I've realized that life is worth living.

It is. Every single second. Every single heartache. Every single disaster. Every single sadness. Every single loss. Every single miscarriage. It's worth it.

I have learned that we all have a season that is ours to live. Yours may not be what mine is at this very second. But God's grace is sufficient to get me through each season with more love and hope than I could have ever imagined.

Going through a season of loss has taught me that what you see isn't always what you get. On the outside, I've cried and been burdened and lived with a broken heart. On the inside, I'm rejoicing, because my child has already made it home. HOME! I can say that with all the joy I've ever experienced.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory...
1 Peter 1:6-8


Maybe you've met me on a sad day, one where I was overcome with the tragedy of loss, and maybe you've spent an hour with me over coffee, one where you've heard me discuss this child I never embraced. But on neither of these days have I failed to mention my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I've given the wrong impression. I've made it seem as though I'm getting through all of this on my own. I've made you think I'm terribly miserable and unmistakenly shaken. I've realized you talk about me to others, but never ask me how I really am. If you had, I'd give you this impression: my Lord is enough. That's all there is. Nothing more. Whatever I face and wherever I am, my Lord will see me through. I am overjoyed at the life that lies before me because my Lord is in control.

And that, my friends, is the impression I want to leave behind...

I Know You're There

In anticipation of what is to come, I sometimes get anxious and begin focusing on what lies ahead instead of what is here and now. I forget the words of my Father which say, "Be anxious for nothing but by prayer and supplication make your requests known unto God." I often hear myself saying, "Lord, give me this, if it's in Your will." I never once think to ask for anything. I just expect it of Him, like He owes me a favor.

That's the most pitiful part of how I've been thinking lately. He owes me something... I've felt as though He's taken enough from me, and if I started a list, it would go on for days. I haven't been able to grasp fully what it means when Job said, "The Lord giveth and taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord." I think because I've become so familiar with the giveth and taketh part that I am sick to go on any further in the verse.

If you do a job, you expect to receive pay for it. If you offer a gift, you want a "thank you" for it. If you give your time, you hope to receive recognition for doing so. I think that very same mind frame has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my relationship with Christ. I find myself thinking, "Lord, you asked me to quit my job, give me something else to do. Lord, you took my baby, give me another one now. Lord, our grandparents and father have passed, don't You owe me anything for that?!"

God doesn't owe me anything. Truthfully, He's already given me the gift of eternal life, what more do I need?! Well, I (think I) need more friends, another child, more time and opportunity, etc. Why should I receive anything else? What have I done for Him? God is not a "give and take" service; He is a Sovereign God who loves me unconditionally. He doesn't expect me to understand His reasoning, and He knows I am going to be doubtful after each thing is out of my hands. I believe that He does, however, expect and hopes for my faithfulness.

And I'm, for one, lacking in that area, in a BIG way. Let me explain myself a little, simply because I know it is shameful. I've waited five months for a child, I've waited 2 months for God to show me what it is I'm supposed to be doing, and I've gone 382 days without my Nana. I am angry that I have to go without. It feels as if He's taken the best from me, and I feel disappointed when there aren't two pink lines or when I don't have another job or because I miss my family. Do you hear me? I have gotten back to the point like I had in high school with the "It's All About Me" attitude. My faith is gone because I'm focused on what I don't have rather that trusting in what I've already been given.

God knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11), but no where in scripture does He promise to give, give, and give some more. He doesn't intend for me to know what lies ahead, nor does He offer me the things I want so desperately because He knows that they will also become a means of doubting Him. God has perfect intentions in all He does, in all He gives, AND in all He takes away. It's a hard line to swallow, but I have to realize it's not about me. It's about His plan, His timing, and His sovereign will, and I just have to know that He's there. And He is...