Hushed.

The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

It has been very difficult for me to write lately. It could be from all of the emotions I'm experiencing or the changes that are within me. Truthfully, I have just been completely humbled at how God is working in my life.

Seems strange that just a little over 7 months ago, I was sitting in a classroom, trying to decide if I should resign. I wasn't exactly enjoying life, but knew God had bigger purposes than just where I was. I was ill at Him for taking my child from me, and I wanted so badly to be pregnant again.

Things don't work out exactly as we plan them. If I'd had it my way, 7 months ago, I would have loved teaching, been 4 months pregnant, and never would have had to think about a child in Heaven. I look back now and realize what it was all for.

Hush, and watch, He wanted to say to me. It's just that I wouldn't listen nor would I exactly get quiet through the bitterness and chatter. His ideas seemed irrelevant to me at that point. He lost all hope of keeping my trust. I was so mad at Him that I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to love Him again.

Now, I see that that anger has caused me to love Him more. I've learned that He didn't promise me that life would be easy... On the contrary, "Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it (Matthew 17:14)." Difficult is what He said it would be, and yet, I spent months wondering why life had to be so hard... why all these terrible things were happening to me. I see that they weren't terrible. They were part of His plan to silence me.

The reason I am finally quiet is because I've realized that I have to listen to God. He's saying things to me all of the time; it's just that for the past few months, I've been unable and unwilling to hear Him. Sometimes I don't hear anything for days, and sometimes the silence is so loud I cannot bear to handle it.

However, on many occasions, I hear Him in the office, through the typing of my gentle husband's hands. Sometimes, I can hear Him late at night, through the ache in my back that my little one is pressing upon. Other moments, I hear Him in the strokes of a paintbrush, as He reminds me how He has blessed me with talents. Mostly, I hear Him in the quiet of the day, reminding me that I am exactly where He wants me.

Hushed.

Blessed.

I've only been up for a few hours, but after a night of good sleep on the couch, I awoke feeling incredibly blessed. I cannot go into detail into why I'm feeling this way, but let me just take the time to praise God for all He's doing right now.

"Flicka" is 12 weeks TODAY!
I'm sure you're wondering about who "Flicka" is, but our little one is being called this by his/her daddy. When we never had the opportunity to hear our first child's heartbeat, when we went 6 weeks ago to the OB and saw the flickering on the screen, we were completely humbled. Since then, the baby has earned its keep as "Flicka". And no, that will NOT be its name or nickname. By the way, Brian didn't know it, but being the first-born son of a first-born son, it came as a surprise to my husband when I informed him that "Flicka" is Swedish for "beautiful, young girl." I think he's finally warming up to a girl, but we will be more than blessed by either.

My husband is my best friend!
Some days are hard, and some days we barely speak due to our busy schedules. However, mornings like these are what it is all about. Knowing you're exactly in the center of God's will and having Him answer prayers right before your eyes is amazing. Not to mention the fact that my wonderful husband woke up with the intention of heading to Hardee's to get me a biscuit but he couldn't remember what kind I liked (I haven't said anything about biscuits). As I was getting up, I mentioned that a biscuit would be so good, and before heading off to West TN, he ran out and got me 3 biscuits... 1 1/2 for this morning and 1 1/2 for tomorrow since he'll be away. How sweet is that?!

My pants don't fit so well...
To most women this would be a terrible realization, but for me, it is a wonderful reminder of God... How He grows us and reminds us of His abilities everyday if we're willing to see them. My ever-protruding midsection constantly proves to me that God is so good. He has chosen me for this time and this purpose. I am so honored and so thankful to see how He's changing me.

We always have enough...
It may not be a big deal to some, but after having left a job and depending on one salary, we have learned that God does provide. It wasn't until we took this leap of faith by my leaving a teaching position that we've realized this in full. Before, the finances were always there, and now, they're not on a weekly/monthly basis... That's where God has stepped in. He's given us abilities which He has used to help us, and He has blessed us with unlikely "sponsors" that show up at just the right time. How thankful we are for His promises and His devout provision!

He's very clear...
Both my husband and I are VERY indecisive. Brian likes to think everything through logically (how much will it cost, is it a priority, will this put me ahead or behind), where as I just can't decide for ridiculous reasons (maybe something else will come up, this can't be reasonable, what will Brian think of this). However, God has made SO MANY THINGS clear to us lately that we've not had to make our own decisions at all. He has spoken timely and directly, and everything that we thought would be so difficult to choose has been so remarkably easy.

These are such small things, but they have had such a profound effect on our lives during this season of change. Through it all, we've learned that God's just waiting to bless us in His perfect timing. And He has. And it's good.

It Really Hits Home

There are moments when things just really hit home. How about everytime I look back on this past February and remember losing Ethan? How about the moments when I look at any windshield recalling the wreck where I went through mine? How about the pictures I see of my Nana holding me as a little girl, knowing that she didn't know me for most of my life? How about when I walk past the pew on which I called out to the Lord and He saved my soul? Do you have moments like those? The ones that just really cause you to stop and think.

I'll admit I don't always look at everyone of those situations the way I should. It's easy to say that I thank God for the way He guided me in all of those circumstances, but it's much more difficult to admit that maybe, just maybe I disregard the fact that God had a hand in all of them. And he did.

Reading a certain Psalm this week really spoke to me. Beth Moore is teaching me (through her studies) that I must look deeper into these scriptures. Every single one has something to say to me, and God intended every word to hit home.

1-5 If God hadn't been for us —all together now, Israel, sing out!—
If God hadn't been for us
when everyone went against us,
We would have been swallowed alive
by their violent anger,
Swept away by the flood of rage,
drowned in the torrent;
We would have lost our lives
in the wild, raging water.

6 Oh, blessed be God!
He didn't go off and leave us.
He didn't abandon us defenseless,
helpless as a rabbit in a pack of snarling dogs.

7 We've flown free from their fangs,
free of their traps, free as a bird.
Their grip is broken;
we're free as a bird in flight.

8 God's strong name is our help,
the same God who made heaven and earth.


Now, I've not been swallowed up by anyone's anger, or thrown into a pack of dogs. I must say I've never once been in a flood or been tossed among waves. I certainly haven't been in ANYTHING'S fangs. But on the contrary, I HAVE been swallowed up in my own pride. I have been thrown into situations I wouldn't choose for myself. I've also been in some powerful storms in my life, and I have felt more than once that I was drowning in despair. Satan has had a hold on me, and his grip is more powerful than I am willing to confess.

That's not the point. Do you see what it says?! IF GOD HAD NOT BEEN FOR US... That's me. If God had not been for me... I've learned to think that one thing through. You know all of those scenarios that really hit home to me? Well, think of them like this...

If God had not been for me when I lost my child to miscarriage, I would still be lying in my bed weeping.

If God had not been for me when my head went through that windshield, I would no longer enjoy the breaths that I take.

If God had not been for me when my Nana was struggling from Alzheimer's, I would always question His purposes.

If God had not been for me on April 10, 1994, when I was saved, I would have never known Heaven as home.

God is for us. He's not against us. And though these trials continue to come, God is still for us. He's molding us into HIS image, and that cannot feel good. It's like putting a broken arm into a cast intending for the bone to heal, the means aren't pain-free. He's going to have to break us. He's going to have to tear me down. He's going to have to get me on my knees. Usually, it's in those moments that God really hits home.

Living in a Great, Big World

I cannot help but look at the world around me differently. Something about the fact that I am carrying one of His very own within me makes me view life in a fascinating way. When I was pregnant for the first time, it seemed so surreal, yet I never could have understood then what I realize now.

Sometimes I take so many things forgranted. I complain so often about how I have very little purpose in life. I find myself wishing I were back at school just to hear NOISE all over again. I hear myself saying how lonely I am. I notice how I have come to enjoy simply being alone.

When God told me to leave school, I thought it was the best and worst thing that could have happened to me. Best because I was so unhappy, so burdened, and so emotional being in front of 20 little children. Worst because when I reached the solitude of being in a room all by myself, I would be forced to face the silence that I, for so long, tried to avoid.

Yet, I see now that God was working out His plan for my life. I could have never understood what it meant then, but now I realize that He was expecting me to bring life into this great, big world. I sit in the house alone now and simply breathe in. I wake knowing that life has changed. I cry with little reason. I know deeply that it is the little one inside me that excites me to no end. I live with a great understanding of what God is capable of.

And as small as I am, He has chosen me for this reason... To live for Christ, and to love as He does. It's really as easy as that.

Somewhere

There's a picture somewhere of a blonde-haired girl running through the front yard of her small, red-bricked house, holding a brand new Barbie she had been given at her sister's birthday party. In that same picture, a brown-eyed boy is following closely behind her trying intently to get his hands on that doll.

There's a video somewhere of a party at McDonalds where a little blue-eyed girl gets skipped in line while waiting to throw balls onto a target at her own third birthday party. In that same video, a brown-haired boy puts his hands on her shoulders and helps her back in line.

There's an old tape somewhere of a little girl singing her heart out on some old Judds' classics. On that same tape, a young boy joins in and shares giggles as they attempt to recreate their own country duet.

There's a memory somewhere of that same blonde-haired, blue-eyed, little girl, who is now a woman, calling her best childhood friend to tell him that she was pregnant. In that same memory, the brown-eyed, brown-haired, young boy, who is now a grown man, tells his friend that his wife is pregnant too.

There will be a place somewhere in that woman's heart that breaks as she steps into the room in less than 48 hours to see that man's baby girl for the first time. In that same place, that man will not understand the love his best friend has for his baby already.

Because there is another child somewhere in Heaven who God had planned to take. While that brown-eyed boy will be getting his very own doll, the blonde-haired girl lived through the loss of the child who would have been born in this very same week. But as she steps in to see this newborn baby girl, her blue eyes will be filled with the tears of an expectant mother celebrating the birth of her best friend's child.

Anxiously Awaiting Addyson,
Jenna

In honor of the Clark family,
Jimmy, Amanda, and Addyson