The More I Do, The More I Remember

Do you remember that saying that goes something like, "If something's bothering you, get busy... You'll forget about it in no time." I always thought that was the most ridiculous saying because if something's really on your mind, there's hardly anything that can keep you from it. I've had this hit me just in the past 2 days... Losing this baby has really opened my eyes, and as time has gone by (considering we would be about 14 weeks now), the simple thought of "him" usually brings me to tears.

The past two days have been different. It hasn't been tears or complete sadness. I've looked back on more memories than I even knew I had. I've thought about the moment I decided to take a pregnancy test, talking to Stephanie. I remembered seeing the two lines and not having meant to, I told Brian I hadn't looked. I can still picture the look on Brian's face, maybe more shock than anything. I recall how unsure we were, going to Walgreen's after dinner that night to buy a SECOND digital test. I laugh when I think about how quick it popped up, "Pregnant." I remember wondering, in the first week after finding out (week 3) if it would be a girl, but hoping for Brian's firstborn BOY. I remember being so excited to gain weight! I imagined how to rearrange our house, and what the baby's room would look like (a creation room, with animals galore, and of course, scripture and dots on the wall). I remember thinking I was a complete idiot for buying a crib set without Brian and before I made it past the first trimester. I think about counting down the days until the first ultrasound. I remember seeing that little speck of white area that was our baby. It was all so amazing, and still, completely is! What a God I serve!

I do hurt, and believe it or not, the more I do, the more I think about it all. There's so much sadness, pain, loss, and happiness, joy, and hope knowing that it was ALL for God's glory and that Heaven is a place I can't wait to be. But through it all, the more I remember, I realize how much more I love my husband. What he's dealt with in the sadness, pain, loss, even in the happiness, joy, and hope is more than I can imagine. Although we've both lost deeply, he's had to watch me suffer. He's loved me every single second of complete misery.

In just 11 days, we will be celebrating our 1st anniversary on March 31st. I've thought on how much has happened in this year; it seems as if we've been through every valley there is and yet love has been the driving force. God's love at that! Please continue to pray for us that we will trust that God's providence is PERFECT and that in the next year He will continue to pour His blessings over us, whether they be valleys or mountains... The more we go through, the more we can remember to thank God.

Where've You Been?

I've been asked this question for weeks, and I have even asked it myself...

Not much explanation is needed for where I've been. I've been here; yes, maybe I've not been myself and have definitely felt as though I was going through A LOT of the motions. I'll admit that. It seems as if I've walked through this valley (and continue to) because I HAD to. Don't get me wrong, I know that God never puts more on us than we can handle, but I believe He definitely uses the trials to test our faith in Him. To be completely honest, my faith has ultimately been tested. My "want to" about anything is much weaker. I am so tired even though I've done nothing. I've done a lot of things out of obligation - I have a responsibility to be at work, church, etc., but mostly, I've done things WHILE completely feeling sadness. I truly want to trust HIM more than ever, have a stronger faith, and complete patience in God and His timing.

I think I've asked God, "Where've YOU been?" all month. It seems as if He's not been here, but as I've always been told, "When you are wondering about where God is, check your own position. God never moves; He is unchanging." God's been so faithful to us. Sure, there are times I wonder why this has to happen or why we've had to face this certain situation, but God has His ultimate plan. He never said that the cross would not get heavy, and it definitely has. My heart has been the lowest it has ever been, but God's love is there to pick me up again.

What I've learned through everything, from withdrawing, loss, and sickness, is that God's timing is always perfect. His plan is amazing, so much so that I don't and can't understand it. These valleys, as I call them, are just steps before the mountain. God is faithful, so REALLY, the question is, "F A I T H, where've you been?"

Sitting in the Presence of the Lord

I never imagined that letting go of something you never really had would be this difficult. After having surgery on Monday, my emotions have been very hard to handle. I've felt heartless at times, wondering why at all I haven't cried since Monday, and at other times, I feel so sad that it seems that all I can do is cry. That's actually what happened last night.

I guess I began thinking about its little hands and feet, and how we never got to see them. I started wondering which one of us he would have looked like, and yes, we believe, and have since learning of the pregnancy, this precious baby would have been a boy. I realized we had nothing to remember him by except a Willow Tree figurine that Brian gave me on my birthday when we were 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.



We have learned since then that my birthday was more than likely the day our little one passed. Our last ultrasound showed the baby being only 6 weeks and 1 day old, when in reality we were almost 10 weeks. Letting us know this information has made things on us much easier. God always opens one door when He closes another.

I feel a bit empty inside. I know that statement can be taken literally if it need be, but what I mean is that something we had longed for and gotten so excited about is no longer within me. It's like a piece of you is missing, just gone. It's so hard to explain unless you've experienced it, but I know many have. It's just a matter of letting go and trusting God.

The procedure from what I understand went well. I've been very slow-moving, needing help to get from place to place. My throat has ached since having the tube inserted and removed. My stomach has been so sore... I can't imagine what I would have felt like if I went back to school today. I just wasn't ready yet. I plan to return to work tomorrow, if the Lord allows. I've learned to depend on my Heavenly Father to take care of our child, and I've learned to depend on Him and my husband to take care of me. The Lord has been good to us as strange as that sounds. He's filled our home with friends and family, flowers and food. All have been so loving and supportive. They have lifted us up when we couldn't lift ourselves, and I imagine there will be more days than not that we will need that lifting again... How good it is to be a child of God, to feel His presence and love in our home, to know that our child is sitting with Jesus even now. How blessed we are to already have one child in Heaven!

Job 1:21b states, "The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."

The Lord Gives AND Takes Away

And I've learned how true this scripture truly is in just one day...

Going for our second appointment and ultrasound in just 8 days yesterday, I've seen the miracle of life quickly taken away. We learned last Friday that we possibly had a "bad pregnancy," and this Friday we were told the baby had passed. We are saddened yes, but we know that our precious child is in the hands of God. What an amazing feeling that is! It's hard at the same time to understand it or even want to, but I know that my God is in control. How much sweeter is Heaven today? Much more than the day before.

Life is fragile, and God has given it to us as a gift. Take the time to love. Share laughter. Enjoy your quiet moments. Spend days with loved ones. Treasure your friendships. Be an honest person. Live life as Jesus did. Share God's greatest gift. Rejoice in sufferings. Pray without failure. Remember that God is NOT the author of confusion. Live without questions. Stop worrying over yesterday. Cherish today. Learn from the valleys. Look forward to the mountains. Have faith the size of a mustard seed. Love like Christ. Thank the Lord for His gifts to us. Thank Him when He chooses to take them away. Remember that HE is in control.

Thank you for your prayers. Surgery on Monday at 8 a.m. Remember us then, please.
May God's peace be with you today and forever,
Jenna

The Power of Friendship

I never much gave thought the fact that Jesus had men with Him all the time. I guess if you just take the Word at face value, you read that Jesus was a man who had 12 disciples and many followers. I realized I'd been missing the point the entire time.

I've noticed lately how little time I spend with my friends. If not by email or phone, I'd rarely keep in contact with any of them. I found out the greatest news from one friend today by her blog, and I learned of how another friend's life changed just in the past month by Facebook. Whether you take it as I have or not, it is time I start making time. I realize that people say when you get married that your spouse becomes your best friend, and BELIEVE ME, mine has. However, I don't think anywhere in Scripture or by common sense does it say to put your friends aside. It actually states, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13)."

How have I given of myself lately? I mean, not just to my friends but to my family and husband lately, what exactly have I laid down? I'll tell you what. A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING. It's disappointing really because as a child of Christ I should be on the front lines of friendship, offering myself in any way I can. But I haven't. I can't remember the last time I spoke with Mimi. I haven't talked to Amanda since about a month ago only to tell her I was pregnant. Alicia and I used to be inseparable, and I can't tell you the last time we were in the same room. As for Becca, she and I meet on occasion at events and on the phone, but have I really showed how much I care? Leslie and I talk twice a year, once on my birthday and then a month later on hers. Brittany and I haven't seen each other since my wedding, and yes, that's been almost 10 months ago (I still have a gift for you for doing the guest table, by the way). Mardi and I lost contact and it's mostly my fault. Some of my dearest friends I've totally and utterly let down.

I'm not saying all of this to throw a pity party or get attention for myself, what I mean by all of this is that while shopping for birthday cards today, I was hit with the fact that I allow my friends to be seasonal... What do I mean by that? Well, it's easy... Many of us do it. As humans, we don't understand or even know HOW to "love thee with an everlasting love," as in Jeremiah 31:3. But Jesus walked with His disciples almost every day until He was crucfied, even when they slept and later denied Him. He DIED so that they (and we) could have life. He never once left his disciples, his beloved which means "deeply treasured", his friends behind. That's everlasting, unconditional, and timeless. Is that what I have with my friends? Is that the kind of friend I've been willing to be?

What about to my family? Have I forsaken them? Yes, at times. Have I left them behind? Yes, often. Have I ignored them? Yes, too many times to tell. Have they ever ONCE left me behind? No, never. I've been blessed with the most spiritual, loving, and gracious family I could ever have. I just now can see that as I've grown older. But I still distance myself. I don't know why, but I do. The Word says, "Truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son, Jesus Christ (1st John 1:3)." If I don't fellowship with you, then our friendships aren't strong at all. I have to take time to make my friendships as Jesus Christ made His own. Who have you forsaken today? Have you called that friend that truly needs one? Did you listen when your friend called for help? Were you there for those little things, not just the special occasions, in your friends' lives? I pray that God will help me and us become more aware of how blessed we are with friendships and love. It is one of the most special relationships we have, not just for our benefit, but to lead our friends to Christ.

Becoming a Faithful Friend,
Jenna