There's A Whole Bunch Of Getting Nowhere Going On...

And I'm here to say I'm sick of it. My major test of faith lately has been patience, and yes, mine wears extremely thin. I know it's my downfall, it's the pit I seem to always find myself in, but I can't help but wonder why things in my life must always feel as if they are on hold, or mute, or pause, or temporarily halted, or just stopped altogether. And for once, I'm okay with saying I'm not okay with it all.

I've been patient about college; I've finally graduated. I was patient about finding a job; I got one fairly quickly (let's just say I had one before I even graduated, thank you Lord). I've been fine about living at home; I actually enjoy it. I love where my life is, for the most part, but certain areas seem to perplex me more than others and patience is hard to come by.

He's there for me when I need him. He calls quite often. He's become my best friend because he's always been since probably freshmen year. We're ridiculously closer than most couples are. I've known he's liked me before. I think he knows I like him now. We talk everyday. But something tells me it's going nowhere. Am I wrong for wondering, "Why not?!" We call before we go to bed. We act like a couple does. Why aren't we one? I'm not sure. I know it's about patience, and that I'm supposed to wait. I don't know how much longer I can.

Maybe it's because this isn't what God wants for me. Maybe this friend doesn't actually like me back. Maybe he likes my company and enjoys our friendship and thinks that's all it is. Maybe girls think too much into things. Maybe I try too hard. Maybe I don't care if I do. Maybe I wish that God would help me out with this. Maybe I already know He is. Maybe I just feel as if there's a whole lot of getting nowhere going on, and maybe I'm ready to be moving on...

So, Just In Case You Didn't Know...

God's in the Blessing Business.

How do I know this, you might ask?! Well, let me just say that I've had my fair share of blessings my whole entire life. As I look back and think on all of the times God's blessed me or my family and friends, I feel completely unworthy... Like falling out of the boat that was parked in the garage at age 3, or falling off of the curly slide at Moss Wright Park at age 5, or choking on a chocolate Easter bunny at age I'm not so sure, or getting dropped out of a cheerleading stunt onto the back of my neck at 17 years old, a year later crashing through the windshield without any recollection of the accident... It's purely God's grace that I made it through any of those accidents alive, but even as I have, I have taken each of them forgranted.

I graduated college a little over two months ago, and before I even had graduated, I knew I had a job... That job is now OFFICIAL, and I will be teaching Kindergarten in the fall at Gene Brown Elementary School in Hendersonville, TN. Five years of work, five years of struggles, five years of great memories, loss, and heartaches... This, though, was what it was all for... My freshman year I thought Communication was the Major for me, but God spoke to me one night and let me know that Education was where He wanted me, and that if I would change my major the next day, He would take care of the rest. Five years later and He held true to His word. I can't believe I ever doubted it. Like I said, our Lord is in the Blessing Business.

I Love This Love / Hate Thing We've Got Going

Yeah, I like him. He knows it. He likes me. I know it.
It's a strange thing, knowing everything. But I like it.

Feels Good Knowing You Feel The Same Way...

Everyday brings about feelings I didn't know I could have about this boy. I could have had them years ago, but I forced myself not to. I wish I hadn't, but now I know that God had different plans because I need this particular boy as he needs me at this particular place in time.

We've spent the past week or two getting used to each other again, seeing how we've changed, being adults, and realizing that we have strong feelings for one another. Getting used to liking him is something that's so easy, but in the grand scheme of things, I want to control the situation and say that I do not want to be in a relationship. At this point, I will take whatever God is willing to give me. I like him and I trust God that much.

Tonight was different though. Tonight was the night we admitted to really liking each other. We hadn't done that before. He called while I was at my family's 4th celebration and he on the way home from his, and we talked for a good twenty minutes. Of course, as it always does, my mouth gets ahead of my mind, and I say, "This is weird." He asks what I meant by it. I told him that I thought "we" were weird now, that we weren't the same. He said, "Yeah, we're not, and I like that." I asked him what he meant. "This is what I've always wanted, and now you want it too." That's what I wanted him to say back in high school, that he liked me... Without doubt, I have my affirmation, and it feels good knowing he feels the same way.

Making Memories of Us... Didn't Really Know There Was An "Us."

On Sunday, October 30, 2005, I was feeling...
Confused. This is just because of a particular two people, and I'm not saying what in the world this has to do with. One of the two drives me insane because they won't just be honest with me and tell me how they really feel. We talk all the time, and they're more than a best friend could ever be for me, but it's like we're stuck being liars to each other. AND I'm not saying we're supposed to be more than friends, because I'm not sure that we are, but I sure would enjoy it if I knew where we actually stood. Why am I always feeling like there's more to it than we say?...

On Monday, November 14, 2005, I was thinking...
As for the second of the two guys who've been throwing me out and reeling me back in, well, who knows. He's about as unpredictable as this nice fall weather we've been having. I cannot stand change. I like for things to be the way they are SUPPOSED to be. I cannot stand for my schedule to get out of whack... If it's not on the calendar, then forget it. It's just not gonna happen. People just don't understand that, and this second of the two guys is a prime example of not getting it. I'm one of those people who need organization. I just feel much better about myself and about my life when things are nice, neat, and in an orderly manner. He does not understand that; it's like we'll go out and have a great time, but I won't hear from him for 3 weeks after that and when he calls it will be 1 in the morning. I mean, come on. I love him to pieces, and I would love for us to admit it, that, "Okay, yes, maybe I have liked you since I was 14, and yes, I would finally like the chance to make this more than we've said we want to make it, and no, I am not meaning I want forever, and I don't need a ring on my finger, and I don't even care if you go out with other people, but would you just make an effort to like me and maybe only me..." I'm just going crazy lately, and what I've realized in this weekend is that I don't really have to because God takes care of it all.

AND, on Saturday, December 03, 2005, things with the two of us were the best and worst they've ever been...
Yeah, I know it's Saturday morning, and I've yet to go to bed. Let's just say when you get a random phone call from a boy you really could squeeze to death because you love him so much, you don't miss out on a chance to hang out. So out I've been although I knew I had homework and things to get done. All in all, I really don't care. I'm feeling so great about going to see my boy Jrod tonight. I had missed that part of us. The part that no one else understands. When we laugh about singing "Hungry Eyes" and "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips and pretty much ANY 80s song at the effing top of our lungs. When he talks about farting and I have no problem with it whatsoever. When playing padiddle is cool again. When putting my rings on our left fingers is fun just so we can feel like we're married (it's just the hope that it will actually happen one day and probably not to each other). When talking about high school as if it was the worst time of our lives and laughing hysterically about stories we never told or had admitted to one another before. When driving around all night just for me to see a house with GOOD Christmas lights is his ultimate goal. Those are the moments I like the best. But of course, I go and screw things up.

It's always your mouth that gets in the way of things. The words that come out of it when your head can't catch up to what you're actually saying. That's pretty much what happened this evening. The night had been awesome. I could not have asked for a better night, and for a moment, I had almost forgotten we were just friends. I liked us, and for another moment, I think he might have too, just like he did back then. High school that is. (We had that whole conversation tonight too; how he always liked me and I knew it but I never acted on it because he just wouldn't come out and SAY that he liked me. He wanted me to do all the work, and I didn't like that. So I never really went for him back then.) Back to tonight. I think it was coming back though, that feeling that happens between us (we've always had it) that we could be something more, like we kept looking at each other, that look we got when we, before becoming awesome friends, would mess around in high school, and I had to blurt it out. "You know I don't want things to change with us. I don't want us to do something that would ever change this." I guess he thought I meant that I thought he wanted me in a way I didn't feel comfortable with. It wasn't that; I just was saying what I said. I love us. I love what we have. I love every moment we spend together, and no, I don't know if I want to be with him, but I know I don't want to ever NOT have him in my life... that's all I was saying. He got all KINDS of mad and drove my car back to his truck, and just like that, he was gone.

I called him, not five minutes after he drove away, my heart was killing me. I said, "Hey." He goes, "Yeah?" I said, "I didn't mean that back there like that." He said, "Yes you did." I said, "I'm sorry." I don't even know what I was sorry for other than the fact that he was upset with me for saying something stupid and WAY too sentimental. I don't know; my heart is somewhat torn. I don't want to lose him in so many different ways. I don't want to lose our friendship. I don't want to miss out on the chance I never took. I don't want him to NOT be there when I'm sad. I just don't know anymore. I guess I just can't sleep knowing he was upset with me. WHY DO GIRLS ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO TALK? Why can't I just sit still and enjoy the moment? I'm not complaining at all, but I just had a night on two different extremes. I love him and then he hates me. It is just so ironic in every sense of the word. You know what song he picked for his ringer on my cell tonight? Here are the words:

"I can’t fight this feeling any longer
And yet I’m still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I can’t hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we’re together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander
I’m keeping you in sight
You’re a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter’s night
And I’m getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can’t fight this feeling anymore
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for
It’s time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I can’t fight this feeling anymore
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can’t fight this feeling anymore"

See what I mean, ugh, boys are so confusing. Off to dream what I hope are sweet dreams. Night all.



Last night has left me realizing...
So of course, that has been months ago; it's practically a different year. However, Jrod and I hadn't talked since then until my uncle died. He sent me a HILARIOUS text message the day we buried Gerald, and I texted back that my uncle had died. He texts back to say he is sorry and to call him sometime. Of course, at the time, I didn't take him seriously. After what I had done months ago, I didn't think we'd ever talk again, but that's what I get for thinking...

He calls last night out of nowhere, six months after our blow up. We talk and joke just like always, and I for once felt like everything was back to the way it should have always been. That's until I agreed to meet him at our meeting place... Waffle House. LOL, funny, I know. We drive, like we always did, listening to country this time and talking about how "bad" we "want" each other (we've always flirted this way but always done it in a joking manner, meaning we never actually meant it). He even said he had missed this between us, and I agreed. He put my ring on my left finger like old times, and I mention the picture of us at Senior Picnic of us feeding each other cake like those married couples do at their wedding receptions. He replied, "I need a copy of that." It was almost too perfect to be true. But it kept going... And I almost cried about seventeen times. The kiss we had, yes, we kissed, definitely changed things...

I prayed the whole time we were together last night; it was like I'd talk and then pray. I am never nervous around him. We're perfect together, as he so eloquently reminded me, but I couldn't help but wonder if it was going to end like we always do. We walk away. I sit and write about how great it was and yet nothing happens.

SO here I am. Writing about him and me.

I miss him. I didn't realize that I cared for him the way I do. And that's hard. He's one of the greatest friends I've ever had, and now, I know that I like him. Not just a little bit of liking here, I like him. I don't know what to do. Or what this means. I just needed to write. Seems like things work themselves out when I write them down. I'm hoping my situation with J is no different...