Saturday, January 1, 2011

Can I Share More?

had a feeling I was pregnant when we traveled to Gatlinburg in the middle of November, but didn't know for sure until I started craving apples later in that week.  On the way home from the trip, we stopped at Dollar General and bought a test.  To our surprise, we saw a second, faint pink line appear.  It was faint, so we waited until the next morning to take another test, which proved negative.  Days later, I was still late, and got the notion to buy a digitial pregnancy test, which after reading the results, Brian and I were certain that "Pregnant" could not be mistaken.

We were shocked.  Stunned.  Silenced.  We couldn't believe the Lord was blessing us with another pregnancy.  We were so amazed that we decided to keep this pregnancy a secret until we got more information from our doctor.  I was tired over the next few weeks.  Very tired.  I didn't have any other symptom other than wanting to eat apples.  Have I mentioned I highly dislike apples?!  With both boys' pregnancies, I craved apples. 

When we went for our first appointment, we were given the due date of July 22, 2011.  We also had an ultrasound.  According to my last cycle, I should have been approximately 8-9 weeks, but the baby measured at 6 weeks and 1 day.  The doctor didn't show any cause for concern other than our dates may be off and decided it'd be best for me to come back in two weeks for a second ultrasound.  We weren't exactly worried, but we could not make the dates work in our minds.  We had actually thought that my previous cycle was a miscarriage because it was so strange, but with this new pregnancy, there was no way it could have been.  So we waited...

However, two days before my scheduled ultrasound and while visiting family in West TN, I began bleeding.  It was off and on for the next few hours, so I didn't worry too much.  I just wanted to get home.  When we left that night, my husband's aunt Christy asked if I had news to share...  I'm wishing now that I would have, but I was spotting and wasn't sure of anything.

We called the doctor the next morning and had our ultrasound that afternoon.  The news was not good.  We were, in fact, almost 11 weeks along, but the baby had passed at 6 weeks and 1 day.   I was in the process of miscarrying.  The pain was excruciating, but my heart was calm.  I was hurt and upset, but so peaceful.  I laid in bed that night crying over the loss of this child when the Lord spoke Psalm 30:5 to me, "For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  Oh, how sweet those words were to a grieving mother! 

As I waited on the Lord that night, He gave me the name, Elisabeth Joy, for our baby.  I immediately texted it to Brian as he was studying in his office across the hall, and we both cried.

The next two days were hard.  In and out of the hospital with pain and enduring the loss of what would have been our fourth child.  In February 2008, we miscarried our first, Ethan Caleb.  In April 2009, we delivered Daniel Bejamin ,who is now 20 months old.  In May 2010, we welcomed Samuel Levi, who is now 7 months old.  We would have expected Elisabeth Joy in July 2011, but God's plans were different and we look forward to meeting her one day.

It sounds difficult and my heart may seem sad, but it isn't.  My heart is full with what God has done for me.  He has seen fit to bless my husband and me with a fourth child.  We now have two babies in Heaven.  We also have two amazing babies here with us.  In all honesty, I have looked at Daniel and Samuel in a different light since losing this baby...  I've noticed how blessed I am to have them, what gifts they truly are, and when God gives us children, they are only ours to borrow.  I am excited (and scared) to share this story with you because it will be heart-breaking to some, but to others, it will be encouragement. 

God has given me these four children, whether on earth or in Heaven, as part of His story to share through me.  I want to inspire others to trust Him, take Him at His Word, and love Him for what He does and does not do.  I want to let Him shine through me be it through tragedy and loss or in joy and happiness.  I am His, and whatever I have or have been given is His to take.  What an honor to realize that through this baby...  I had to share her story.

Elisabeth Joy


Jenny said...

Jenna- You are so brave in the way that you trust our Lord. I have been praying for you and will continue. I miss you so much, but get strength from you even in your absence. I love you!

Katie said...

I'm sorry I'm so behind in reading this! Bless your heart! I had no idea.

It's ironic though because when I read your post about your Christmas Card in November I thought to myself that you were pregnant. I don't know why but I distinctly had a feeling that you were.

So that makes me feel even more awful that I didn't follow up on it to hear that you were and that you were hurting. I know God's holding you and Brian and your family in His hands. Know that we're here, too if you need us. Love you guys!

Brittany said...

I follow your gifts of God blog but I am new to this one. I also recently suffered a miscarriage. I know your pain and trust God has a plan for us and our families. I love the thought that that our sweet babies are in Heaven with Him!