Saturday, February 25, 2006

Patience, Doubts, and Honesty are Hard to Come By

It's been extremely hard for me to be patient lately. Not for anything in particular. I'm just restless for no reason at all. I know graduation is soon, and I know that the Lord has a job for me. I have no doubts in those big "life-changing" departments. I guess it's the little places in my life where I feel the most doubt, when I'm in the biggest hurry, and that I just can't help but want to move on from.

* I miss my friends. I don't even know who they are anymore. I used to have this huge group of them, yet lately all that consumes me is time away from them. It's hard being away from the ones you care so much about, but it's even harder learning that they don't care for you as much as you once thought.

* Why is it so easy for me to be a jerk to the few people that mean the most to me? I can argue with my sister and yell at her and not think twice about it. Then after she's gone home or we've gotten off the phone, I feel like junk and have to apologize only to know that we'll fight again and she's probably getting tired of hearing it from me.

* Will I ever be less stressed out? Will I ever be confident? Will I ever feel as if I can do anything in my career? Will I ever NOT be intimidated by people? Will I ever just stop worrying so much?

* I miss feeling God like I used to. I miss talking to Him and feeling Him always near me. I know He's there, but I don't accept Him as the friend I know He is. Why is it so easy to push God away when He's the only friend I really have? He's the only one to hold onto me for all of these years. I want to feel Him and live in Him again.

* I want to know where you are... I want to know if you think of me even though we may or may not have met. Are you as impatient as me? Are you anxious about finding each other and making us all I know God has in store for us? Do you ever just want to see my face, and do you ever question why God is taking so long when you know it's because you and I aren't ready yet?! I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I guess I'm just excited to meet you or find out that you're the one.

* I want to be the person I know I am but am so scared and sometimes ashamed to be. I don't want to feel overshadowed. I want to feel special to people. Sometimes I just want to stand out, but other times, more times than most, I want to be alone. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to like who I am. I want to be as sure of myself as everyone thinks I am.

1 comment:

Brittany said...

I know that you are going through alot right now, and please never forget that you are loved! God WILL take care of you because of your loyal and faithful heart. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you, no matter how large or small.
I miss and love you!

oh and p.s.
I saw that you commented on my friend abby's xanga...small world, lol.