Monday, February 8, 2010

Grace Abounds

In every tiny kick and each little spout of heartburn, my Lord's grace abounds.

There was a time two years ago this same month when I was at this place:  pregnant, uncertain, and extremely scared.  It was just weeks into our first pregnancy when I learned that we had miscarried.  I didn't feel anything or any different; I just imagined that there was this precious person growing within me and everything was fine.  Yet it wasn't.  Ten weeks into the pregnancy, we were told that it wasn't viable.  There was no heartbeat.  No movement.  No kicks.  No, nothing at all.

However, to this day, I cannot think that it was nothing.  I cannot believe that that baby was not a baby.  I don't know whether it was a girl or a boy, but I know it was a child of God.  Perfectly knit in my womb to fulfill God's plans for my life.  What that is, is anything but "nothing." 

Somehow, these two years later, I have learned that those days, those moments, those horrific valleys of despair were actually times of God's amazing grace.  He redeemed me.  He restored me.  He taught me that He was in control, and now, with our third baby thriving in my womb, I am able to be at complete peace knowing that God knows what is to come.

More than ever, I am able to experience God's grace with a deep appreciation for my Father.  He was there when I was conceived.  He was there that January afternoon when my mother's water broke.  He knew my hip would be dislocated and that I would wear a brace to correct it for 6 months of my life.  He also knew that years later I would have three children of my own.  He even realized that giving one up to Heaven before I ever met it would break me.  He understood that I needed that.  He knew that Daniel would be my first born son.  He knew Daniel would have a brother.  He just knew even way back when, and that is grace. 

So, with every new stage in life (and in this pregnancy), I have learned to look for His grace...  Because it's there.  It surrounds me.  It shapes who I am, who I've lost, who I'm raising, and also who I am carrying.  But I'll never forget that it was this same month two years ago when God's grace made me who I am, taught me about loss, showed me how to be a mother, and how to trust that God is in control of life.  Grace, it's so good.

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