Sunday, January 8, 2006

Loving Sometimes Means Losing

December 22, 2005 was somewhat of a long time ago. Probably not to most people, but to me, it's been a whole two weeks. Two weeks is a tremendously long time not to hear from a special someone who has been gone to Iraq for over a year and had gotten home on the 22nd. The soldier (Ryan) called that day, and of course I was ecstatic, for I had waited for him to come home. I don't know exactly what for: maybe in the hopes of us getting back together once he returned or just seeing his face after him being away for a year or it possibly could have been because I was an idiot who wanted a fairy tale that could never come true.

So he texted me this Friday night at about 1 in the morning, after two weeks of not hearing from him, saying that he had been thinking of me and that he wanted to get together soon. We met up last night. What I had been waiting for, for over a year, was nothing short of nothing I ever want to experience again. We had dinner, and he did pay for me. Afterwards, just as we had started by driving home from Florida together back in August of 2004, we drove around playing 20 questions and talking about the way things were and our favorites memories of us. Turns out that that is all they are... Memories. He dropped me off at my car, and I knew by this point that things weren't what I had hoped for all that time, but the hopes of what could be still weighed heavy on my mind. He explained that he did miss me, and that he does care for me, but at this point in his life, he knows that he is not ready for the kind of relationship we have, one that is strong and serious. I believe that I understand, but then again, I have no idea what the point of last night was in his mind. I drove away feeling empty and angry at the fact that he had done this to me but more so that I had allowed him to.

After driving around completely broken inside for a while, I called the one consistent friend in my life, Chris. I know he wasn't the person to call, for we had tried to make something out of our 20-year friendship just weeks before Ryan returned from Iraq, but I realized that Chris had been there for me throughout all of the years of my life and he would know how to make things better. And he did. I hadn't forgiven Ryan by the time I left seeing Chris, but I had totally forgotten the reasons why I had called Chris in the first place. Seems like God knows better than I do who's worth waiting on.

I figured out many things about relationships, dating, and love last night after seeing both Ryan and Chris. Here's just some of the thoughts I have:
  • Just because someone says they miss you, it doesn't mean that their missing you is in a way that you miss them.
  • There is a fine line between waiting for someone you love and waiting for someone who doesn't love you.
  • Memories cannot be relived; they can only be retold.
  • Each emotion you have for someone isn't always reciprocated. They may feel towards you some of the same feelings you have for them, but more than likely, those emotions aren't always what you hope them to be.
  • Never choose a guy over a friendship you've had for years even if that friendship has turned into something more. That friendship will last longer than any relationship with some guy ever will.
  • You can't make him love you by doing things you think will. You can't make his heart feel something it doesn't. You can't change his ways. He is what he is, and if he isn't willing to include you the way you should be, then it is time to move on.
  • No one can make YOU a better person. You are who you are on your own. Sure, being in the company of someone may make you feel like a better person, but you should always remember you are your best person when you're all alone... That's when those special people find you, and that is what makes them care for you.
  • Live without regret. I can sit and say I wish that I had never waited over a year for someone, but all in all, I have become the patient spirit I always wanted to be by waiting on him. No, we didn't end up together like I had hoped for all of those nights and days, but I ended up alright and brilliant on my own without any regrets.

Lastly, I would like to remind everyone that reads this that your life is not in your hands. God is in control, and He will never put you in a situation that He knows you cannot handle. Look at each day, every relationship and friendship, even every moment as a gift from above, and choose to live it according to the plan you hope the Lord has for you. It seems that it always turns out that way anyway...

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