It's been extremely hard for me to be patient lately. Not for anything in particular. I'm just restless for no reason at all. I know graduation is soon, and I know that the Lord has a job for me. I have no doubts in those big "life-changing" departments. I guess it's the little places in my life where I feel the most doubt, when I'm in the biggest hurry, and that I just can't help but want to move on from.
* I miss my friends. I don't even know who they are anymore. I used to have this huge group of them, yet lately all that consumes me is time away from them. It's hard being away from the ones you care so much about, but it's even harder learning that they don't care for you as much as you once thought.
* Why is it so easy for me to be a jerk to the few people that mean the most to me? I can argue with my sister and yell at her and not think twice about it. Then after she's gone home or we've gotten off the phone, I feel like junk and have to apologize only to know that we'll fight again and she's probably getting tired of hearing it from me.
* Will I ever be less stressed out? Will I ever be confident? Will I ever feel as if I can do anything in my career? Will I ever NOT be intimidated by people? Will I ever just stop worrying so much?
* I miss feeling God like I used to. I miss talking to Him and feeling Him always near me. I know He's there, but I don't accept Him as the friend I know He is. Why is it so easy to push God away when He's the only friend I really have? He's the only one to hold onto me for all of these years. I want to feel Him and live in Him again.
* I want to know where you are... I want to know if you think of me even though we may or may not have met. Are you as impatient as me? Are you anxious about finding each other and making us all I know God has in store for us? Do you ever just want to see my face, and do you ever question why God is taking so long when you know it's because you and I aren't ready yet?! I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I guess I'm just excited to meet you or find out that you're the one.
* I want to be the person I know I am but am so scared and sometimes ashamed to be. I don't want to feel overshadowed. I want to feel special to people. Sometimes I just want to stand out, but other times, more times than most, I want to be alone. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to like who I am. I want to be as sure of myself as everyone thinks I am.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Why Kids Are My Choice Of Career
Sometimes it's easy to forget why you're doing something. After 4 and a half years of school, I've almost but gotten to the breaking point of wondering if I've chosen the right path for my life, if education is where I want to spend the rest of my days. It's amazing when God overshadows your doubts in the form of a special second grade classroom full of twenty-one boys and girls that totally change who you are.
Yesterday was my last day at my first student teaching placement, and as I walked down the hall and slowly opened the door, with the lights turned out and 21 little voices screaming, "SURPRISE!," I knew that I was exactly where I should be. Changing their lives is what I want to do. They left me with a scrapbook of precious pictures and letters from each of them, a gift certificate to the Parent Teacher Store, and a million memories I will never forget...
Making Mardi Gras Masks Was a Blast...
These Boys Sleeping on the Schoolbus Is An Image I'll Never Forget...
Even the Wild Ones Get Sleepy After Field Trips...
Every Class Has A Million or Two Angels...
My Last Day Will Be Hard to Forget.
Yesterday was my last day at my first student teaching placement, and as I walked down the hall and slowly opened the door, with the lights turned out and 21 little voices screaming, "SURPRISE!," I knew that I was exactly where I should be. Changing their lives is what I want to do. They left me with a scrapbook of precious pictures and letters from each of them, a gift certificate to the Parent Teacher Store, and a million memories I will never forget...
Making Mardi Gras Masks Was a Blast...
These Boys Sleeping on the Schoolbus Is An Image I'll Never Forget...
Even the Wild Ones Get Sleepy After Field Trips...
Every Class Has A Million or Two Angels...
My Last Day Will Be Hard to Forget.
Monday, February 20, 2006
What I Really Meant to Say...
I hate when things come out like I DIDN'T mean for them to, and even more so, I can't stand it when someone points it out to me. If there's anything I hate more than keeping my thoughts to myself, it's having those thoughts questioned. Then again, it shows me how much people care about me and how much we've grown as friends... So much so that you are willing to wear me out on a particular subject. That's what true friends do.
I might have come across sounding like a spoiled brat when I discussed my weekend trip to the Tractor Pull, which wasn't my intention at all, although I know how much of a brat I am. I didn't mean to offend anyone in any way by talking about farming, rednecks, or the country. Those things are who I am and where I'm from... My point was to show how much I had changed in seeing how blessed I was to have a father who farms. When I was in middle school, I remember how badly I wanted attention, and at the time, I didn't think it would be cool telling friends what my dad did. I couldn't be more proud of him today.
I love the fact that my dad was ALWAYS there for my family. He never missed an opportunity to watch me cheer, hear my sister and me sing in choir, or simply spend time with us. My dad was ALWAYS there for me. He was my best friend, and though at times I felt like he was living out the Alabama song lyrics, "I'm in a hurry to get things done," I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could depend on my dad. He was my best friend even though I wasn't exactly thrilled to share that with the friends I was DYING to make back in my school days.
I am proud of who my father is, what he does, and how he's gotten to where he is. My last post was to prove how this weekend helped me to realize just exactly how proud I am. I am so thankful I'm just like him. My eyes, my heart, my love of a good car, the thrill I get from watching sports, my humility, my need for getting things done and quickly, my independence, my hard head, my work ethic, the speed at which I drive, my liking in fishing and sleeping, my bad habits of being not so girly (those of you who know me will understand this), my sense of humor, my determination for perfection and completion in all I do... All of these parts of me I share with and got from my daddy. I did not mean to sound as if I didn't love my dad, because I do with all of my heart. He is my best friend, and I'm not ashamed to say so. What I really meant to say is that I didn't always appreciate what my dad did, and that as I've gotten older and less self-centered, I see how great of a father I have. His job, the farming, has shaped him into the man he is and what inevitably he used to mold me into the person I am becoming today.
I might have come across sounding like a spoiled brat when I discussed my weekend trip to the Tractor Pull, which wasn't my intention at all, although I know how much of a brat I am. I didn't mean to offend anyone in any way by talking about farming, rednecks, or the country. Those things are who I am and where I'm from... My point was to show how much I had changed in seeing how blessed I was to have a father who farms. When I was in middle school, I remember how badly I wanted attention, and at the time, I didn't think it would be cool telling friends what my dad did. I couldn't be more proud of him today.
I love the fact that my dad was ALWAYS there for my family. He never missed an opportunity to watch me cheer, hear my sister and me sing in choir, or simply spend time with us. My dad was ALWAYS there for me. He was my best friend, and though at times I felt like he was living out the Alabama song lyrics, "I'm in a hurry to get things done," I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could depend on my dad. He was my best friend even though I wasn't exactly thrilled to share that with the friends I was DYING to make back in my school days.
I am proud of who my father is, what he does, and how he's gotten to where he is. My last post was to prove how this weekend helped me to realize just exactly how proud I am. I am so thankful I'm just like him. My eyes, my heart, my love of a good car, the thrill I get from watching sports, my humility, my need for getting things done and quickly, my independence, my hard head, my work ethic, the speed at which I drive, my liking in fishing and sleeping, my bad habits of being not so girly (those of you who know me will understand this), my sense of humor, my determination for perfection and completion in all I do... All of these parts of me I share with and got from my daddy. I did not mean to sound as if I didn't love my dad, because I do with all of my heart. He is my best friend, and I'm not ashamed to say so. What I really meant to say is that I didn't always appreciate what my dad did, and that as I've gotten older and less self-centered, I see how great of a father I have. His job, the farming, has shaped him into the man he is and what inevitably he used to mold me into the person I am becoming today.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Going Against the Grain
I never fully understood what "Going Against the Grain" meant, and I probably will never fully grasp the concept. However, this weekend gave me a new perspective to that saying we've all heard.
I had the fortune of tagging along with my dad and brother-in-law to the Tractor Pull/Expo in Louisville, Kentucky, on Saturday. I did everything OUTSIDE of my normal way of life, yet everything about the weekend was what made me who I am in a strange sort of way.
My dad is a farmer; he raises tobacco, wheat, and corn, you know, that country kind of stuff. As a young teen, I wasn't always proud to tell my friends that that was what he actually did. Luckily for me, my mom didn't love the farm life either, and as a child, I never lived on a farm or had the daily chores of feeding cows or stripping tobacco. I can remember daddy asking me to help in the fields time and time again, and everytime I'd say no. How I wish I could go back and agree to help out. I couldn't understand as a kid how people could enjoy sitting on tractors and tilling up land. It never made sense to me. My whole family lives out on the farm my grandfather, "Gramps," left them after he died. I didn't really know Gramps, as he died before my 4th birthday, but I knew my daddy wanted to be just like him, and I never understood why.
Farming isn't something anyone can do. It's a hard life, and I've seen the ups and downs of what it brings to a family. The men are on the field at least 12 hours a day, the children are raised to have that same work ethic, and families themselves struggle to make sure that year's crop is just right to bring in the money for the year. It's tough. I cut tobacco one time, and I cannot tell you what a difficult thing it was. The gum in my eyes made the day unbearable, and the blisters on my hands didn't heal for about 6 days. On top of that, it rained the day I was out there, and in most cases, you'd think that would call off the day, but it didn't on the tobacco field. That day made me appreciate my family and most importantly, my dad. I never understood what he did, why he didn't have what my friends and I would have called a "real" job, why he was never at home when I went to bed, how he could choose to sit on a tractor all day and never make much money for it. I guess as kids we are blinded, for what my dad didn't make in money, he made up for in dedication and love to his family through his job.
So when my dad asked me to head up to the Tractor Pull, I hesistated but knew he wanted me to go. I agreed, and although it definitely wasn't something I see myself doing everyday, it was well worth seeing the light in my father's eyes. How excited he was to tell me of each tractor, the way he explained each crop management plan, and the point to which combines are different than regular tractors... I will never forget how happy he was. This was his element... where he feels most at home, and what better way to experience it than with your family.
No, I wasn't comfortable. I had no idea what half of the exhibits were. I didn't know the names of tractors. How much more I could have understood had I been in a school or in an Old Navy. I just knew to look for the John Deere section for I had wore green like I knew my dad would have wanted me to. As I sit listening to my brother-in-law explain the reasoning behind tractor pulls, I couldn't help but realize why I was, for once, proud to be in a stadium full of farm boys who were just like me and my family. Because my daddy is a farmer, I've had all the luxuries I could have ever wanted. Sure, I didn't have a lot of money and I didn't always get what I wanted, but he made sure I got what I needed. This weekend, I became proud to be a Farmer's Daughter, and going against the grain of my daily life in the city sure felt good when I was surrounded in a sea of John Deere Green, and I couldn't help but feel blessed.
I had the fortune of tagging along with my dad and brother-in-law to the Tractor Pull/Expo in Louisville, Kentucky, on Saturday. I did everything OUTSIDE of my normal way of life, yet everything about the weekend was what made me who I am in a strange sort of way.
My dad is a farmer; he raises tobacco, wheat, and corn, you know, that country kind of stuff. As a young teen, I wasn't always proud to tell my friends that that was what he actually did. Luckily for me, my mom didn't love the farm life either, and as a child, I never lived on a farm or had the daily chores of feeding cows or stripping tobacco. I can remember daddy asking me to help in the fields time and time again, and everytime I'd say no. How I wish I could go back and agree to help out. I couldn't understand as a kid how people could enjoy sitting on tractors and tilling up land. It never made sense to me. My whole family lives out on the farm my grandfather, "Gramps," left them after he died. I didn't really know Gramps, as he died before my 4th birthday, but I knew my daddy wanted to be just like him, and I never understood why.
Farming isn't something anyone can do. It's a hard life, and I've seen the ups and downs of what it brings to a family. The men are on the field at least 12 hours a day, the children are raised to have that same work ethic, and families themselves struggle to make sure that year's crop is just right to bring in the money for the year. It's tough. I cut tobacco one time, and I cannot tell you what a difficult thing it was. The gum in my eyes made the day unbearable, and the blisters on my hands didn't heal for about 6 days. On top of that, it rained the day I was out there, and in most cases, you'd think that would call off the day, but it didn't on the tobacco field. That day made me appreciate my family and most importantly, my dad. I never understood what he did, why he didn't have what my friends and I would have called a "real" job, why he was never at home when I went to bed, how he could choose to sit on a tractor all day and never make much money for it. I guess as kids we are blinded, for what my dad didn't make in money, he made up for in dedication and love to his family through his job.
So when my dad asked me to head up to the Tractor Pull, I hesistated but knew he wanted me to go. I agreed, and although it definitely wasn't something I see myself doing everyday, it was well worth seeing the light in my father's eyes. How excited he was to tell me of each tractor, the way he explained each crop management plan, and the point to which combines are different than regular tractors... I will never forget how happy he was. This was his element... where he feels most at home, and what better way to experience it than with your family.
No, I wasn't comfortable. I had no idea what half of the exhibits were. I didn't know the names of tractors. How much more I could have understood had I been in a school or in an Old Navy. I just knew to look for the John Deere section for I had wore green like I knew my dad would have wanted me to. As I sit listening to my brother-in-law explain the reasoning behind tractor pulls, I couldn't help but realize why I was, for once, proud to be in a stadium full of farm boys who were just like me and my family. Because my daddy is a farmer, I've had all the luxuries I could have ever wanted. Sure, I didn't have a lot of money and I didn't always get what I wanted, but he made sure I got what I needed. This weekend, I became proud to be a Farmer's Daughter, and going against the grain of my daily life in the city sure felt good when I was surrounded in a sea of John Deere Green, and I couldn't help but feel blessed.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
The Truth Behind Valentine's...
Happy Valentine's Day to all. Hope you've had a wonderful day, and even if you're single and have complained ALL day about this holiday, just know that over 2,000 years ago, a man named Jesus hung on a cross to show you His love. Be thankful, and give Him the love He deserves and has shown you. As I told a friend today, it's totally okay and cool to be loving on Jesus. He's the main Man in my life, and I'm so grateful for His ways of continually showing me love. Sorry, this is a little sappy and may seem a bit "holy-roller"-ish, but I'm just realizing the most important things in my life.
To my friends and family, thank you for being you. Thank you for giving me smiles, phone calls, and cards on this special day. I'm so glad I had you to share my holiday with. It's been a sheer joy.
All my love, today and always, Jenna Renee
To my friends and family, thank you for being you. Thank you for giving me smiles, phone calls, and cards on this special day. I'm so glad I had you to share my holiday with. It's been a sheer joy.
All my love, today and always, Jenna Renee
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