Wednesday, November 18, 2009

At a Loss for Words...

I really haven't stopped writing on purpose.  It isn't because anything has happened or that something has gone wrong.  It's simply because I have this amazing, almost-seven-month-old little boy who I have been insanely busy trying to keep up with. 

Being a mom isn't as easy as I expected it to be.  I actually have days where I feel I completely fail at it.  Days like today when I was so frustrated that he wouldn't stop pressing the buttons on my computer or putting his precious hands in the VCR slot or finding a way to be ill in every place I wanted him to play.  And, I'll admit that I lost my cool.  A lot.  I fussed at him and used my "stern" voice a little too much, actually expecting him to understand, "NO, Daniel.  Stop it, Daniel.  Be still.  Don't spit.  Do NOT touch the computer, Daniel."  Yes, a child who only says da-da will understand those phrases perfectly clear.

The truth is that now that I'm a parent myself I find myself more and more in awe with God.  I'm floored by the love He has for me.  I'm amazed that He would give me such awesome gifts like my husband or my beautiful child.  I'm shocked that He'd listen to my prayers and care for someone that has nothing worth loving.  He loves me when I won't stop pressing buttons long enough to HEAR HIM.  He loves me when I put my hands and myself in places they should not be.  He loves me when I cannot find joy in the spectacular life He's created for me.  AND... though at 26 years of age, when His voice is calling me, I don't listen, and He decides to love me even still.  Is that not mind-boggling?!

It isn't because I have decided to stop writing.  It isn't even that I'm tired or lazy.  It certainly isn't because I have a lack of things (or a little-amazing-blue-eyed boy) to blog about.  It is simply because it's okay to be still sometimes.  It's okay to be silent at others.  Most importantly, it's because I have somehow failed at realizing how good God truly is, and that, my friends, will put any girl at a loss for words.

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