Monday, March 9, 2009

It's Not About Me...

There comes a point in life when you realize that life isn't all about you. Your feelings aren't as important as what God is busy doing. He has every situation in the palm of His hand, and I must say that I'm completely grateful for that. I'd soon to make a mess of things if He didn't, and somehow, I still manage to do that most of the time.

It's easy for me to share my feelings. I've never been one to hide what I think or to lock in any emotions, but that's because life, in my little world, has always been about me. I'm here to tell you, it's not.

I'm blessed beyond speaking. I have found myself wondering why things aren't exactly as I'd have them, and that's me again throwing myself a tantrum in the middle of the crowd. If I take a step back and see what God has done, I'd be hushed. Completely silenced.

God has turned my world upside down, and though I'm not always thrilled with His changes, I've learned that His decisions for me are far beyond what I'd have for myself. He changed my heart inside and out when He saved me almost 15 years ago next month. He changed my feelings inside out when He decided that the man I'd met and served with on a Jamaica mission trip would be my husband. He changed my emotions when He blessed me with a child in the womb. He's changed my job status, my church home, my personality, and my friends, and I am so honored that He has chosen me to change anything at all.

I cannot imagine where I'd be if He'd left me in control. The roads I would have travelled would not be near as fulfilling as these I'm on today. Though there are hardships and heartbreaks along the way, I am thankful that God has chosen this path for me. I'm not in control. I'm not in the driver's seat. I'm merely a woman learning that it's not all about me, and it's time I take a few steps back...

I realize that God wants us to be open. As Christians, we tend to expect everything to be perfect in our God-centered worlds. I'll admit to thinking that God should just hand me everything I ask of Him because I'm following Him. I want to be honest with you, as open and clear as I can, there are days in this self-centered woman's life that I believe it's okay to feel down and tell you all about it. What does that say, though, about my God?!

It says that I'm human... I doubt Him. I beg Him for more. I pray less. I don't open my Bible. It's says that I have a long way to go on this walk with my Lord. What it doesn't say is that God is any less God. He is still the same, tomorrow, yesterday, and TODAY. No matter where I find myself, no matter how rough the road, no matter who's reading and who isn't, my God is still God. And He's good. All the time.

I have become the problem. I have become so wrapped up in what I have and also the things I don't, that I've let my emotions (pregnancy ones or not) run wild. I've become too open by sharing my opinions without truly realizing who He is...

Please know that what I mean to say is that I am blessed. I have more than I could ever work to deserve. I have been given the greatest gift in Christ, my Savior. I have friends who love me and family that adores me. I have a child in Heaven and one on the way. I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. I have food on my table, and I have more clothes than I could ever wear. And, life, well, it gets hard but that's only because I'm too busy thinking about me, worrying about me, and praising me. See the problem? It's NOT about me, and until I figure that out, you're going to find insecurity after disappointment and more complaints. That's what I'm learning though, through the eyes of my husband, the movements of an unborn child, and through the gentle touch of a loving God, that this life has and never will be about me. It's really all about HIM.

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