Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Hits, Misses, and Hurtfulness

So, just when I thought teaching couldn't get anymore difficult, I am faced with a situation that has proved me wrong. Without giving too many specifics, let me just let you in on what's going on in my classroom. Friday was our Halloween Party, and yes, it's my first one, and no, I didn't know what to expect. The kids were outrageously rambunctious, and I could not get them to settle down. Everything we tried to accomplish from the bat cupcakes to the bat pinata which I got knocked in the head with, all pretty much were disasters. Well, that was until the unthinkable occurred.

I had heard that teachers are faced with some pretty awful situations, from kids getting angry and throwing books to taking their agression out on classmates, but never in my life did I expect to be hit by a Kindergartener. AND YES, I was. An emotion came over me that I've not had before; I've never been so angry yet hurt and upset for this child that I wanted to cry, but I grabbed his arms and became so overwhelmed with disgust that I yelled at him. A LOT. That's not how I handle situations like that anymore or how I like to handle them, but in that instance, I couldn't help what I did. I was so torn. I realized my grip was a bit too tight and let him go, but knew that this would be something we'd have to handle on the following Monday, which was yesterday.

I dreaded it all weekend. I even asked some of my friends and family to pray for me and the child. I was SO torn up over it. I had mentioned it to my principal, and he planned to come get him when he was able that morning. However, as soon as we got to the classroom, I was told by another student that my "hitter" had kicked a child in my room. Fury would be a way to describe it. I calmly held his hand but walked him STRAIGHT down to the office. Needless to say, he was suspended yesterday for the remainder of the day. And as strange as this sounds, I was both relieved and saddened by his punishment. I hated that this child had let his aggression or need for attention get to this level. I hated that I hadn't been able to help him. I hated that I wasn't there for him. I hated that I didn't handle it better. Then again, I have tried time and time again with him... This started when school began with him, never has he hit me until Friday, but it has escalated to a point that I can't tolerate anymore and it breaks my heart...

He was to return to school today... And he did. When I went to pick the children up, he was sitting on the stage which meant something had happened. He had poked a child with a pencil. Completely unacceptable. He was punished in an awful manner today, one I support, one I felt was necessary, but one that hurts my heart. It hurts me because I know it hurts him. I started out teaching a single woman excited about her career, but now 2 months into it, I have 19 children that I spend my everyday with, and even when I'm not with them, my mind is CONSTANTLY wondering how they are, what they're doing, if they are alright. Now, one of those 19 is broken and hurting and in a situation that I cannot fix. I need your prayers for I cannot do this alone. I know there are children all over this world who are faced with situations like his, but these are my kids, and one of mine needs your help as do I. Please help me pray.

1 comment:

Brittany said...

I wanted to share with you the words of my very wise friends Jay, Gary and Joe Don (known as Rascal Flatts to all others)

"Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand"

I don't really know what to say right now to make this better, not that I would even have the words or the wisdom to do so. Yeah, this is hard--in fact, it's alot harder than you thought it would be. Please know that I am thinking about and praying for you constantly. If anyone can do this, it's you..because Lord knows if you (the obviously stronger of the two of us) are struggling, I hurt. I want you to succeed as much as I want myself to. My heart hurts to see you have such a difficult time, but know that right beside you someone that can do more for you than I'll ever be able to. He'll pick you up, dry your tears and dust you off, all the while telling you that things are going to be okay.

funny how He is that for you and you are that for those kids.

i love you.