I'm getting anxious. Really anxious. I worry over every quiet moment when I cannot feel this baby moving, and I worry when he is... I feel our tiny boy's kicks, and I get the most overwhelming feeling that I'm not prepared for what the Lord's about to do in my life. Yet at the same time, I know that the Lord has equipped me for this time and this place, and He's allowing me this opportunity. However, I cannot help but be nervous over all of this.
I've been in this position before. Not the one where I have only 14 weeks left until I give birth, but the one in which I am ridiculously overwhelmed with a certain situation. It happened just about a year ago. With all the determination in the world of a child following her Daddy, I went to my principal and told him I would not be returning in the fall. Doesn't seem like a big deal when I say it that simply, but the months and weeks beforehand were nothing small.
I struggled with a burden for 6 months. For 6 months, beginning in July of 2007, I questioned what God was telling me. I doubted Him when He made me to feel as a stranger in my own classroom. I was confused at why every time I moved my room around, it never satisfied me. It wasn't until January of 2008 that I really believed Him. It took a positive pregnancy test for me to see that God wanted me to stay at home. Then the walls came down, and I realized I was wrong in February when we lost the baby. I couldn't understand why the burden to leave still remained.
That same month, as I had been evaluated while teaching, a dear woman from the Board of Education told me that maybe this wasn't where I needed to be. I couldn't believe she was inviting me to leave teaching. Yet the Lord had been doing so for 6 months, and I still wouldn't listen to Him. That is, until this woman spoke to me for Him. I saw Him looking at me through her beautiful brown eyes, and I knew what I needed to do.
I anticipated telling my principal, but I was so worried about it, I would ball up everytime I saw him coming down the hall. I was frightened to take such a huge leap of faith. I avoided him for almost 3 weeks though I knew what I had to do. I remember I was an emotional mess at the time, and most people walked on eggshells around me due to my fragile demeanor over losing my child. The idea of having to waltz into the principal's office and explain why I'm not coming back terrified me.
With all the anxiety in the world, I remember knocking on his door in March 2008. I remember sitting down uncomfortably and shaking uncontrollably. Yet when the words came, they were so easy. Like something I had rehearsed, the Lord just put my resignation in my lap. He gave me what it was I needed to say. I remember mentioning that the Lord wanted me to leave, and I didn't want to question Him. I also recall my principal saying that he respected me for doing so. It was an honor, and all of the worry just melted away...
I imagine it won't be that simple this time around. It is a child I'm anxious over this time and not just a job. I worry that I won't know how to feed him or love him or even teach him right from wrong. I worry that the labor will be too much or that I won't realize it's time to go to the hospital. I worry that my marriage may suffer at learning how to love both a baby and a husband. Worried, that's what I am.
At the same time, I'm completely humbled because I know that IT IS THE LORD who leads me. I know that He will give me the strength to carry this child. I know He'll give me the words to speak as I teach this child about Him. I know that He'll encourage me to love as I should, and He will give me all that I need when the time is right. Why worry?!
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:33-34
Sometimes, it just gets the best of me. Without a job, without a church home, and with a baby on his way, I cannot help but question God's reasoning. But, as my husband once told me before we were married, "Worry is a lack of faith." I'll be honest, my faith surely isn't my strong point, yet with every kick, every prayer being raised, and every check in the mail, I realize that God truly is in control. He's begging me to stop worrying and start anticipating... It is what He has given me: a time for every situation under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1). It's my time to let go and really LET GOD.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Can You See Love?
As a Kindergarten teacher for two years, I was asked some of the most hilarious, yet complex questions from a number of five-year-olds. "Who made the world?" was one of my favorites. "Who is God?" was a more complicated one to answer. The one I will never forget was, "Is Jesus God's brother?" There were days I found myself so wrapped up in answering their sweet, profound questions that we hadn't even moved off of the carpet into our desks. I challenged myself to make sense of these thoughts in their little heads.
There were days we talked about God quite a bit. Other days, He wasn't mentioned at all. I wanted so badly for each little heart to know who God was, yet in the public classroom setting, there were only so many things I could say. That in itself broke my heart. I knew God was the one giving me the opportunity to speak about Him, and sometimes I actually discovered that maybe, just maybe I had taken our carpet conversations a little too far...
It hasn't been until recently that I have looked back on their questions and really thought them through. I do have a child of my own on the way, and I imagine his little mind will come up with questions like theirs. However, there are days when I have my own childish questions for God Himself. Just in the past week, as our dear friends buried their baby and I felt mine kicking as we said our goodbyes, I have ultimately wondered if love can be seen. Seems like a simple enough question, but it has overwhelmed my mind as I've seen babies pass away and felt babies leap within the womb.
I suppose what we always hear about love is that it is an action or a feeling. Oh, and I completely agree with that, but can I see it? Is it something I can view from a distance or look on with pure delight? How do I know that God's love is here when there are moments I don't feel it at all?
I have SEEN it...
I saw it in the eyes of a young father praying over his sick baby.
I saw it in a church filled with people to pay their respects to that same child.
I saw it in the way the devastated mother remained close to her husband.
I saw it in the tears the preacher cried.
I saw it in the face of my husband when he mentioned Ethan this week.
I saw it in my father's truck as he drove to Kentucky to buy my shower decorations.
I saw it just below my heart, as my stomach continues to grow.
I saw it when my husband felt his baby Elijah kick for the very first time.
I saw it when, in my daily reading, God spared Noah and his family.
I saw it in the way God watered the ground yesterday.
I saw it this morning when I looked outside and saw the sun.
I HAVE SEEN LOVE.
Sometimes, it is hard to notice and impossible to feel. Sometimes, it's so evident that I cannot help but laugh. Sometimes, I just wish I could explain how I am learning how much my God loves us. He shows us all the time. It's in everything He does, creates, and gives us. Do you ever feel as though He's forgotten you? Maybe you feel like He's punishing you. Does it bother you that everything is going wrong? Maybe it's all alright, and it's exactly how God intends it to be. Maybe His love is shining through the pain, and you are too stubborn to see it. Maybe it's you who's missing what He's giving you... A world full of love. Just take the time to see it (because you can).
In Loving Memory of Brady Xavier Hines
10/14/08 - 12/31/08
There were days we talked about God quite a bit. Other days, He wasn't mentioned at all. I wanted so badly for each little heart to know who God was, yet in the public classroom setting, there were only so many things I could say. That in itself broke my heart. I knew God was the one giving me the opportunity to speak about Him, and sometimes I actually discovered that maybe, just maybe I had taken our carpet conversations a little too far...
It hasn't been until recently that I have looked back on their questions and really thought them through. I do have a child of my own on the way, and I imagine his little mind will come up with questions like theirs. However, there are days when I have my own childish questions for God Himself. Just in the past week, as our dear friends buried their baby and I felt mine kicking as we said our goodbyes, I have ultimately wondered if love can be seen. Seems like a simple enough question, but it has overwhelmed my mind as I've seen babies pass away and felt babies leap within the womb.
I suppose what we always hear about love is that it is an action or a feeling. Oh, and I completely agree with that, but can I see it? Is it something I can view from a distance or look on with pure delight? How do I know that God's love is here when there are moments I don't feel it at all?
I have SEEN it...
I saw it in the eyes of a young father praying over his sick baby.
I saw it in a church filled with people to pay their respects to that same child.
I saw it in the way the devastated mother remained close to her husband.
I saw it in the tears the preacher cried.
I saw it in the face of my husband when he mentioned Ethan this week.
I saw it in my father's truck as he drove to Kentucky to buy my shower decorations.
I saw it just below my heart, as my stomach continues to grow.
I saw it when my husband felt his baby Elijah kick for the very first time.
I saw it when, in my daily reading, God spared Noah and his family.
I saw it in the way God watered the ground yesterday.
I saw it this morning when I looked outside and saw the sun.
I HAVE SEEN LOVE.
Sometimes, it is hard to notice and impossible to feel. Sometimes, it's so evident that I cannot help but laugh. Sometimes, I just wish I could explain how I am learning how much my God loves us. He shows us all the time. It's in everything He does, creates, and gives us. Do you ever feel as though He's forgotten you? Maybe you feel like He's punishing you. Does it bother you that everything is going wrong? Maybe it's all alright, and it's exactly how God intends it to be. Maybe His love is shining through the pain, and you are too stubborn to see it. Maybe it's you who's missing what He's giving you... A world full of love. Just take the time to see it (because you can).
In Loving Memory of Brady Xavier Hines
10/14/08 - 12/31/08
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Shiny and New
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Opening the front door, peeking inside, I saw the newness of what awaited me. New carpet. New fixtures and faucets. New, fresh paint. New bulbs. Newness just surrounded me. It was one of the most exciting times of my life, having bought our first home together just two weeks before we were married. I breathed in the new smells and stared at the new sights, and without one single complaint, I reveled in what the Lord had given me. Everything was new.
The days and months passed, and the new walls became scratched and nail pops began to show. The new carpet looked as though it was twenty years old. Those once-new fixtures and faucets were needing plumbing and examining. I look back to just a little over twenty months ago and remember how quickly newness comes to an end.
I find myself wishing we were in a new house again, that our marriage was still new, and that life was altogether new. Unfortunately, none of them are. They might not, in any way, be old, but they aren't brand new any more. I see how things change in front of my very eyes. From my best friend's baby to my grandfather's age, nothing remains new. Addy, at just two months old, has started laughing and rolling. My Pop recalls more often these days what his life was like years ago. See, nothing can stay the same.
That is, except for Jesus Christ. In Revelation, we see just how NEW life in Christ is, as it states, "Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful (Revelation 21:5).” It's hard for us to understand that things can always be new, but with God they are. From the dawning of each new day to His mercies that are new every morning, life with the Lord is NEW!
And exactly how do I know this? Well, let me tell you that my house may not be new, but it is a home. It will be a brand new home for the new baby who will be entering it in this new year. The new year brings forth opportunities for all of us with new jobs and new talents that God has waiting in store. Those new abilities will be used to make new relationships with those new co-workers. Just think, those new friends may not know the new life they can have in Christ. What a New Year that would be!
With the holidays practically over and those new gifts finding scratches, tears, and their own closet space, there is reason to focus our minds on what really matters in this life. It isn't the new house, car, or job we find ourselves in; it is the relationship we have with our Lord, Jesus Christ. Life without Him is old. In this New Year, take the time to realize the newness we have in Jesus, and cherish it more than any new thing you are given.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Opening the front door, peeking inside, I saw the newness of what awaited me. New carpet. New fixtures and faucets. New, fresh paint. New bulbs. Newness just surrounded me. It was one of the most exciting times of my life, having bought our first home together just two weeks before we were married. I breathed in the new smells and stared at the new sights, and without one single complaint, I reveled in what the Lord had given me. Everything was new.
The days and months passed, and the new walls became scratched and nail pops began to show. The new carpet looked as though it was twenty years old. Those once-new fixtures and faucets were needing plumbing and examining. I look back to just a little over twenty months ago and remember how quickly newness comes to an end.
I find myself wishing we were in a new house again, that our marriage was still new, and that life was altogether new. Unfortunately, none of them are. They might not, in any way, be old, but they aren't brand new any more. I see how things change in front of my very eyes. From my best friend's baby to my grandfather's age, nothing remains new. Addy, at just two months old, has started laughing and rolling. My Pop recalls more often these days what his life was like years ago. See, nothing can stay the same.
That is, except for Jesus Christ. In Revelation, we see just how NEW life in Christ is, as it states, "Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful (Revelation 21:5).” It's hard for us to understand that things can always be new, but with God they are. From the dawning of each new day to His mercies that are new every morning, life with the Lord is NEW!
And exactly how do I know this? Well, let me tell you that my house may not be new, but it is a home. It will be a brand new home for the new baby who will be entering it in this new year. The new year brings forth opportunities for all of us with new jobs and new talents that God has waiting in store. Those new abilities will be used to make new relationships with those new co-workers. Just think, those new friends may not know the new life they can have in Christ. What a New Year that would be!
With the holidays practically over and those new gifts finding scratches, tears, and their own closet space, there is reason to focus our minds on what really matters in this life. It isn't the new house, car, or job we find ourselves in; it is the relationship we have with our Lord, Jesus Christ. Life without Him is old. In this New Year, take the time to realize the newness we have in Jesus, and cherish it more than any new thing you are given.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Cleaning Up Or Out... Whichever You Like to Call It.
When I was a kid, the worst chore I was ever given was to clean my room. You would think that I could have figured out that if I'd attempt to keep things clean, dusted and vacuumed, that having that assignment wouldn't be so terrible. BUT, it was... Every single time, I would throw a tantrum at the idea of having to do it.
That phase lasted up until I was in middle school. I continued with the feeling of disgust in cleaning my room. Oh, and in high school too. I would have friends coming over, and at the last minute, I'd be shoving things into my 2 closets and under my bed. It's an awful habit, I must admit.
The scary part is that I STILL hate having to clean. You'd think it would change what with having my own house and getting married and having a child on the way. BUT it hasn't. I could not tell you if you paid me to inform you on all the things under our bed right now. My closet is shameful, and the soon-to-be nursery closet is the most atrocious thing I've ever seen. You seriously CANNOT see the wall, carpet, or ceiling; it's packed that tight.
Life is like that sometimes. We have so many things we like hanging onto rather than getting rid of them or just cleaning them up. We pride ourselves in hiding our dirt. It's sad but painstakingly true. In Psalm 24, it's clear that we need to get busy with cleaning up... "Who shall ascend the hill of the LORD? And who shall stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart..." I know I'm taking it a bit out of context, but in all seriousness, I think it somewhat applies. How can we live clean lives if not ALL of us is clean? I just don't think it's possible.
I've started cleaning. Maybe it's because I realize I've got a baby on the way and I've GOT to make room for him. Maybe it's because I'm tired of all the junk I've held onto and realize it's time to make the break. Maybe it's because I have learned that THIS WORLD is not my home, and as the old hymn says, "I'm just a-passing through." The less I have here, the better off I'll be when it's my time to go.
It's time to clean out the closets and clean up from underneath the bed. It's time to rid myself of things I don't need. It's time to realize that God's given me more than enough to live on, and there are those who need these things more than me... So, I'm giving in and cleaning up...
That phase lasted up until I was in middle school. I continued with the feeling of disgust in cleaning my room. Oh, and in high school too. I would have friends coming over, and at the last minute, I'd be shoving things into my 2 closets and under my bed. It's an awful habit, I must admit.
The scary part is that I STILL hate having to clean. You'd think it would change what with having my own house and getting married and having a child on the way. BUT it hasn't. I could not tell you if you paid me to inform you on all the things under our bed right now. My closet is shameful, and the soon-to-be nursery closet is the most atrocious thing I've ever seen. You seriously CANNOT see the wall, carpet, or ceiling; it's packed that tight.
Life is like that sometimes. We have so many things we like hanging onto rather than getting rid of them or just cleaning them up. We pride ourselves in hiding our dirt. It's sad but painstakingly true. In Psalm 24, it's clear that we need to get busy with cleaning up... "Who shall ascend the hill of the LORD? And who shall stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart..." I know I'm taking it a bit out of context, but in all seriousness, I think it somewhat applies. How can we live clean lives if not ALL of us is clean? I just don't think it's possible.
I've started cleaning. Maybe it's because I realize I've got a baby on the way and I've GOT to make room for him. Maybe it's because I'm tired of all the junk I've held onto and realize it's time to make the break. Maybe it's because I have learned that THIS WORLD is not my home, and as the old hymn says, "I'm just a-passing through." The less I have here, the better off I'll be when it's my time to go.
It's time to clean out the closets and clean up from underneath the bed. It's time to rid myself of things I don't need. It's time to realize that God's given me more than enough to live on, and there are those who need these things more than me... So, I'm giving in and cleaning up...
Sunday, November 30, 2008
In Complete Awe of You
Well, I'll admit that twice in one day I became completely awestruck by two amazing beings... It's hard to call them beings in the sense that really they aren't. They are my life, my world you see, and I have been forced to type them into a word like beings... But for the sake of explaining, let me ramble on.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008, is a day I will soon never forget. It began as a normal day with a woman running late to get to her appointment while she knew her husband was more-than-likely already there. He's been amazing throughout all of this pregnancy. He hasn't missed a single thing. I'm so grateful for that.
It went on into a small doctor's office where nurses prodded at this woman's stomach and found the most beautiful heartbeat you've ever heard. In that same room, an expectant father asks if the ultrasound he's been waiting for over four months could be done that moment. He really wasn't pushy; he just felt as though he had to ask with it being the day before Thanksgiving, and WHAT A GIFT to be thankful for!
Soon, that same office had a knock on its small door telling this family that they were going to see their baby, not two weeks from then, but that day! The blood drawing and poking weren't half bad after that. I wasn't so excited to see this little miracle within me.
Not long after lying down on the table, this young couple learned that their baby was a little boy! They watched as he moved his hands around his face, kicked his feet, rolled onto his stomach, and clasped his hands to pray. I was in complete awe of him. RIGHT THEN. I was so, completely, and totally amazed at this little child, growing right under my nose... I cannot explain the love I felt in that moment. I'd never knew what it felt like to be a parent... until then.
His hands in prayer
Driving away with their faces full of joy, the Johnsons couldn't help but see who their Father truly is. He had given them so much to be thankful for, and He completely showed Himself strong. In his father's chin, his mother's nose, and a heart to "pray" after the Lord, how else could God prove His love to them?! Lord, I am completely in awe of You. Thank you for this sweet gift...
Elijah Thomas (1 Kings 18)
With his hands over his head
Wednesday, November 26, 2008, is a day I will soon never forget. It began as a normal day with a woman running late to get to her appointment while she knew her husband was more-than-likely already there. He's been amazing throughout all of this pregnancy. He hasn't missed a single thing. I'm so grateful for that.
It went on into a small doctor's office where nurses prodded at this woman's stomach and found the most beautiful heartbeat you've ever heard. In that same room, an expectant father asks if the ultrasound he's been waiting for over four months could be done that moment. He really wasn't pushy; he just felt as though he had to ask with it being the day before Thanksgiving, and WHAT A GIFT to be thankful for!
Soon, that same office had a knock on its small door telling this family that they were going to see their baby, not two weeks from then, but that day! The blood drawing and poking weren't half bad after that. I wasn't so excited to see this little miracle within me.
Not long after lying down on the table, this young couple learned that their baby was a little boy! They watched as he moved his hands around his face, kicked his feet, rolled onto his stomach, and clasped his hands to pray. I was in complete awe of him. RIGHT THEN. I was so, completely, and totally amazed at this little child, growing right under my nose... I cannot explain the love I felt in that moment. I'd never knew what it felt like to be a parent... until then.
Driving away with their faces full of joy, the Johnsons couldn't help but see who their Father truly is. He had given them so much to be thankful for, and He completely showed Himself strong. In his father's chin, his mother's nose, and a heart to "pray" after the Lord, how else could God prove His love to them?! Lord, I am completely in awe of You. Thank you for this sweet gift...
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