Thursday, January 15, 2009

Worrying Gets the Best of Me...

I'm getting anxious. Really anxious. I worry over every quiet moment when I cannot feel this baby moving, and I worry when he is... I feel our tiny boy's kicks, and I get the most overwhelming feeling that I'm not prepared for what the Lord's about to do in my life. Yet at the same time, I know that the Lord has equipped me for this time and this place, and He's allowing me this opportunity. However, I cannot help but be nervous over all of this.

I've been in this position before. Not the one where I have only 14 weeks left until I give birth, but the one in which I am ridiculously overwhelmed with a certain situation. It happened just about a year ago. With all the determination in the world of a child following her Daddy, I went to my principal and told him I would not be returning in the fall. Doesn't seem like a big deal when I say it that simply, but the months and weeks beforehand were nothing small.

I struggled with a burden for 6 months. For 6 months, beginning in July of 2007, I questioned what God was telling me. I doubted Him when He made me to feel as a stranger in my own classroom. I was confused at why every time I moved my room around, it never satisfied me. It wasn't until January of 2008 that I really believed Him. It took a positive pregnancy test for me to see that God wanted me to stay at home. Then the walls came down, and I realized I was wrong in February when we lost the baby. I couldn't understand why the burden to leave still remained.

That same month, as I had been evaluated while teaching, a dear woman from the Board of Education told me that maybe this wasn't where I needed to be. I couldn't believe she was inviting me to leave teaching. Yet the Lord had been doing so for 6 months, and I still wouldn't listen to Him. That is, until this woman spoke to me for Him. I saw Him looking at me through her beautiful brown eyes, and I knew what I needed to do.

I anticipated telling my principal, but I was so worried about it, I would ball up everytime I saw him coming down the hall. I was frightened to take such a huge leap of faith. I avoided him for almost 3 weeks though I knew what I had to do. I remember I was an emotional mess at the time, and most people walked on eggshells around me due to my fragile demeanor over losing my child. The idea of having to waltz into the principal's office and explain why I'm not coming back terrified me.

With all the anxiety in the world, I remember knocking on his door in March 2008. I remember sitting down uncomfortably and shaking uncontrollably. Yet when the words came, they were so easy. Like something I had rehearsed, the Lord just put my resignation in my lap. He gave me what it was I needed to say. I remember mentioning that the Lord wanted me to leave, and I didn't want to question Him. I also recall my principal saying that he respected me for doing so. It was an honor, and all of the worry just melted away...

I imagine it won't be that simple this time around. It is a child I'm anxious over this time and not just a job. I worry that I won't know how to feed him or love him or even teach him right from wrong. I worry that the labor will be too much or that I won't realize it's time to go to the hospital. I worry that my marriage may suffer at learning how to love both a baby and a husband. Worried, that's what I am.

At the same time, I'm completely humbled because I know that IT IS THE LORD who leads me. I know that He will give me the strength to carry this child. I know He'll give me the words to speak as I teach this child about Him. I know that He'll encourage me to love as I should, and He will give me all that I need when the time is right. Why worry?!

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:33-34

Sometimes, it just gets the best of me. Without a job, without a church home, and with a baby on his way, I cannot help but question God's reasoning. But, as my husband once told me before we were married, "Worry is a lack of faith." I'll be honest, my faith surely isn't my strong point, yet with every kick, every prayer being raised, and every check in the mail, I realize that God truly is in control. He's begging me to stop worrying and start anticipating... It is what He has given me: a time for every situation under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1). It's my time to let go and really LET GOD.

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