Weak in the Knees

I get weak in the knees sometimes. It isn't because I'm pregnant or have a medical issue or anything like that. I just have these moments when I am SO overwhelmed at the possibility that my God is working in my life.

I can remember when I first started realizing that I was pregnant. It was the first week of August, and I couldn't help but think I was. I had the same symptoms I had with my first pregnancy; the only difference was... we had avoided (or so we thought). I kept telling myself that it was impossible, yet I knew how I felt. Pregnant.

Brian became so overwhelmed with the idea that he himself went to Dollar General that week and bought me two tests. I took the $4 test and it was negative. I wasn't devastated, but I wasn't overjoyed either. After losing a child to miscarriage, whether I like to admit it or not, I couldn't help but LONG to have another baby.

A week later, we were in West TN for Brian to preach a revival. I can remember the day clearly as I waited for my period. I left the pew a number of times thinking it had come, but it hadn't. I knew what it meant. My knees were weak.

I waited another day, but still nothing came. With that in mind, I got up from my afternoon nap (in which I never actually napped) and told Brian I had to go get a pregnancy test. He was confused, as the first had been negative. I explained what I had been feeling and that I believed God was telling us something. He agreed I should go.

I drove to the small town's Dollar General and purchased two $1 tests... one for now and one for the next morning, just in case. I returned back to his mother's house and took it. Just minutes later, the two lines appeared. I was again weak in the knees. I walked out to show Brian, and we both were in shock. How could we be pregnant when we had attempted to NOT get to this conclusion?!

The next morning proved another positive test, and weeks later at the OB's office, we saw our 7-week-old child's heart beating on the ultrasound monitor. I saw God's fingerprints in between two tiny x's where my child's body was beginning to form. I was lying down, but I promise my knees went weak. I could not believe what I saw.



Sometimes things in our lives happen that way. We have to see the evidence of God working before we believe He actually is. We expect everything to fall in place so we can see it perfectly crafted just for us. We also try to avoid blessings by attempting to prevent certain things from happening.

What I have realized is that God isn't concerned with what it is I am trying to do. His first priority isn't to check with me about something He is planning on doing in my life. He also knows how badly I need to see His handiwork before I'll truly trust in Him. He realizes that I have been crushed by His plans before, and He knew exactly how He would prove Himself strong to me once more.

Each day those moments come when I feel the flutter of a tiny child. I see them in the eyes of a husband I truly don't deserve. I hear them in the voice of my friends and family. I can now understand that He is working, though I don't see it, in so many ways to prove to us once more that He is GOD. I sometimes feel Him most when my knees go weak, and He's right there to catch me before I fall.

He Chooses Me

Crashing waves. They seem to be all around me. It seems as if my life is caught in a storm, and I am not sure that I will survive it. The rain keeps coming and the winds are stronger than I could imagine, and yet the amazing peace of God is in the midst of it all.

Fear seems to overtake me at moments like these. Times when it is more difficult than not to know where we are going or what God has in store. Times when I do not know why this boat was for me.

Isn't that life? It seems as if there is always something changing. Life is so inconsistent when all I am looking for is one little piece of normal, and yet the waves continue to toss. I don't know why I expect this. It was evident this past weekend as we were in Gatlinburg how life changes so quickly. When we arrived in the mountains on Thursday the 13th, it was 70 degrees, and in fact, I had on a t-shirt which was almost too hot. As we woke on the day of our departure, we had an inch of snow on the ground. Nothing stays the same.

My husband and I have learned all about storms, and how they can incredibly distort your ways of thinking. Just since January of this year alone, the ship we've been on has been a rough ride. We have learned we were pregnant, lost the child to miscarriage, left my teaching job, grieved the loss of Brian's father, become pregnant for a second time, endured Brian's sweet cousin's brain surgery, and resigned from a church that we dearly love. I know everyone has journeys like these, and yet I cannot help but wonder what we are supposed to learn from being on board this particular ship.

And yet, I'm so thankful for it all. I'm so thankful that God decided to give and take my first child; it makes Heaven so much sweeter knowing that we have a perfect gift awaiting us. I am so grateful to have left my job; I would have never been able to support my husband or find the gifts that God had given me without leaving there. Losing a loved one has taught me to love much more deeply; the sudden loss of Brian's dad has left an impression that RIGHT NOW is my chance to love. Hayden's surgery has been one of the most traumatic events our family has faced, and yet it has made me realize how BIG God is; I've watched my Lord in the hands of surgeons and in the eyes of a 5-year-old child, and I see that my God is triumphant in every way. I'm honored to say that God has blessed me with a second pregnancy; I don't know that anyone could understand why the pregnancy itself is such a miracle to me. But I've learned to hold onto something that isn't in my arms, and I've seen its heart beat as only God could allow. We have had to step out and leave a church where our hearts were; God speaks so clearly and yet it is the hardest thing to say goodbye when you weren't exactly preparing for it. We also now are learning what blind faith really is, and I'm grateful for that. I have never been so certain of anything despite neither of us having a job or a place to call our own; these waves continue to surround me and I am at peace.

How is that? How can I have peace when all I feel is that I have no control of the stern? Well, I don't know exactly how to answer that. I would be lying if I said I wasn't fearful, because I am in some ways. I fear that money will get too tight or that I'll never hold this baby in my arms; it frightens me to think that I don't know where we're going or if this is all there is. I will admit that the waves overwhelm me, but I KNOW in whom I BELIEVE. He is at the head of this boat I'm on, and He is my Captain. No matter which storm I encounter, my Lord knows what is right. He knows which way I need to go. He realizes that these waves are best for me and no one else. He chooses me. These storms were made just for me, and I'm beyond thrilled to ride them out.

A Constant Change

For I am the LORD, I change not…
Malachi 3:6

It did not seem like much at the time it was planted, but it has grown to show me how constant my Lord tends to be. As a friend left the bush beside our house, I never imagined it would actually do what he said it would... The small, green leaves seemed so insignificant that I doubted they would ever take change like he promised. Yet, I watched and waited, and last year, it did nothing. It remained the same, hunter green and never changed in size. I was almost disappointed when this "special" bush did not change before my eyes. Of course, I never took the initiative to water it or prune the plant, but I just expected something to happen.

I am not usually that fond of change, but at the same time, it happens all around me. I have changed hair colors, phone numbers, and cities. I have changed cars, jobs, and relationships more often than I will ever admit. I have made new best friends, began shopping at different stores, and completely changed the ways I think throughout the years. In just two short years, I have gone from a single, outspoken teacher to a married, introverted, stay-at-home, soon-to-be mother, and none of these changes have been easy for me.

Expecting change is one thing, but having it happen without knowing how to handle it is another. I am reminded of Abraham when the Lord told him that his barren wife, Sarah, would give birth in Genesis 17 and 18. He fell on his face, laughed, and doubted the change the Lord promised. Sarah also laughed within herself at the idea of becoming pregnant in her old age. Though they had been told, Abraham and Sarah seemed astounded when she bore Isaac (Gen 21:6-7). Never has change been an easy thing to accept, even when you are waiting for it.

Hannah prayed for change. Though her womb was closed, she went year after year praying for a child. Hannah even vowed that if the LORD of hosts would grant her a son, “…then I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life (1 Samuel 1:11).” Did Hannah realize what she was promising? After pleading years for a child, would she willingly give it away? We all know that she did (in the latter portion of 1 Samuel 1). She begged for change and received it. She waited for change and cherished it. She longed for change and loved it.

No matter how change comes, it is never what we expect, and its outcome is not always what we planned. However, while waiting on our burning bush, which never seemed to bring forth the change I was hoping for, I have learned that God is in the midst of the changes we seek or are given. He promised that He Himself would never change. Daniel said, “Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, for wisdom and might are His. And He changes the times and the seasons… He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding (Daniel 2:20-21).” Though things around us are changing, we can be confident in knowing that the Lord will give spiritual guidance to those who seek Him.

As I looked outside this afternoon, I saw the most beautiful thing… change. In it, I saw how faultlessly and timely the Lord moves. The leaves were a bright red, and just like Moses before his burning bush, I stood in awe of the wonder of change and the beauty of a constant God.

Hushed.

The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

It has been very difficult for me to write lately. It could be from all of the emotions I'm experiencing or the changes that are within me. Truthfully, I have just been completely humbled at how God is working in my life.

Seems strange that just a little over 7 months ago, I was sitting in a classroom, trying to decide if I should resign. I wasn't exactly enjoying life, but knew God had bigger purposes than just where I was. I was ill at Him for taking my child from me, and I wanted so badly to be pregnant again.

Things don't work out exactly as we plan them. If I'd had it my way, 7 months ago, I would have loved teaching, been 4 months pregnant, and never would have had to think about a child in Heaven. I look back now and realize what it was all for.

Hush, and watch, He wanted to say to me. It's just that I wouldn't listen nor would I exactly get quiet through the bitterness and chatter. His ideas seemed irrelevant to me at that point. He lost all hope of keeping my trust. I was so mad at Him that I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to love Him again.

Now, I see that that anger has caused me to love Him more. I've learned that He didn't promise me that life would be easy... On the contrary, "Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it (Matthew 17:14)." Difficult is what He said it would be, and yet, I spent months wondering why life had to be so hard... why all these terrible things were happening to me. I see that they weren't terrible. They were part of His plan to silence me.

The reason I am finally quiet is because I've realized that I have to listen to God. He's saying things to me all of the time; it's just that for the past few months, I've been unable and unwilling to hear Him. Sometimes I don't hear anything for days, and sometimes the silence is so loud I cannot bear to handle it.

However, on many occasions, I hear Him in the office, through the typing of my gentle husband's hands. Sometimes, I can hear Him late at night, through the ache in my back that my little one is pressing upon. Other moments, I hear Him in the strokes of a paintbrush, as He reminds me how He has blessed me with talents. Mostly, I hear Him in the quiet of the day, reminding me that I am exactly where He wants me.

Hushed.

Blessed.

I've only been up for a few hours, but after a night of good sleep on the couch, I awoke feeling incredibly blessed. I cannot go into detail into why I'm feeling this way, but let me just take the time to praise God for all He's doing right now.

"Flicka" is 12 weeks TODAY!
I'm sure you're wondering about who "Flicka" is, but our little one is being called this by his/her daddy. When we never had the opportunity to hear our first child's heartbeat, when we went 6 weeks ago to the OB and saw the flickering on the screen, we were completely humbled. Since then, the baby has earned its keep as "Flicka". And no, that will NOT be its name or nickname. By the way, Brian didn't know it, but being the first-born son of a first-born son, it came as a surprise to my husband when I informed him that "Flicka" is Swedish for "beautiful, young girl." I think he's finally warming up to a girl, but we will be more than blessed by either.

My husband is my best friend!
Some days are hard, and some days we barely speak due to our busy schedules. However, mornings like these are what it is all about. Knowing you're exactly in the center of God's will and having Him answer prayers right before your eyes is amazing. Not to mention the fact that my wonderful husband woke up with the intention of heading to Hardee's to get me a biscuit but he couldn't remember what kind I liked (I haven't said anything about biscuits). As I was getting up, I mentioned that a biscuit would be so good, and before heading off to West TN, he ran out and got me 3 biscuits... 1 1/2 for this morning and 1 1/2 for tomorrow since he'll be away. How sweet is that?!

My pants don't fit so well...
To most women this would be a terrible realization, but for me, it is a wonderful reminder of God... How He grows us and reminds us of His abilities everyday if we're willing to see them. My ever-protruding midsection constantly proves to me that God is so good. He has chosen me for this time and this purpose. I am so honored and so thankful to see how He's changing me.

We always have enough...
It may not be a big deal to some, but after having left a job and depending on one salary, we have learned that God does provide. It wasn't until we took this leap of faith by my leaving a teaching position that we've realized this in full. Before, the finances were always there, and now, they're not on a weekly/monthly basis... That's where God has stepped in. He's given us abilities which He has used to help us, and He has blessed us with unlikely "sponsors" that show up at just the right time. How thankful we are for His promises and His devout provision!

He's very clear...
Both my husband and I are VERY indecisive. Brian likes to think everything through logically (how much will it cost, is it a priority, will this put me ahead or behind), where as I just can't decide for ridiculous reasons (maybe something else will come up, this can't be reasonable, what will Brian think of this). However, God has made SO MANY THINGS clear to us lately that we've not had to make our own decisions at all. He has spoken timely and directly, and everything that we thought would be so difficult to choose has been so remarkably easy.

These are such small things, but they have had such a profound effect on our lives during this season of change. Through it all, we've learned that God's just waiting to bless us in His perfect timing. And He has. And it's good.