Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Weak in the Knees

I get weak in the knees sometimes. It isn't because I'm pregnant or have a medical issue or anything like that. I just have these moments when I am SO overwhelmed at the possibility that my God is working in my life.

I can remember when I first started realizing that I was pregnant. It was the first week of August, and I couldn't help but think I was. I had the same symptoms I had with my first pregnancy; the only difference was... we had avoided (or so we thought). I kept telling myself that it was impossible, yet I knew how I felt. Pregnant.

Brian became so overwhelmed with the idea that he himself went to Dollar General that week and bought me two tests. I took the $4 test and it was negative. I wasn't devastated, but I wasn't overjoyed either. After losing a child to miscarriage, whether I like to admit it or not, I couldn't help but LONG to have another baby.

A week later, we were in West TN for Brian to preach a revival. I can remember the day clearly as I waited for my period. I left the pew a number of times thinking it had come, but it hadn't. I knew what it meant. My knees were weak.

I waited another day, but still nothing came. With that in mind, I got up from my afternoon nap (in which I never actually napped) and told Brian I had to go get a pregnancy test. He was confused, as the first had been negative. I explained what I had been feeling and that I believed God was telling us something. He agreed I should go.

I drove to the small town's Dollar General and purchased two $1 tests... one for now and one for the next morning, just in case. I returned back to his mother's house and took it. Just minutes later, the two lines appeared. I was again weak in the knees. I walked out to show Brian, and we both were in shock. How could we be pregnant when we had attempted to NOT get to this conclusion?!

The next morning proved another positive test, and weeks later at the OB's office, we saw our 7-week-old child's heart beating on the ultrasound monitor. I saw God's fingerprints in between two tiny x's where my child's body was beginning to form. I was lying down, but I promise my knees went weak. I could not believe what I saw.

Sometimes things in our lives happen that way. We have to see the evidence of God working before we believe He actually is. We expect everything to fall in place so we can see it perfectly crafted just for us. We also try to avoid blessings by attempting to prevent certain things from happening.

What I have realized is that God isn't concerned with what it is I am trying to do. His first priority isn't to check with me about something He is planning on doing in my life. He also knows how badly I need to see His handiwork before I'll truly trust in Him. He realizes that I have been crushed by His plans before, and He knew exactly how He would prove Himself strong to me once more.

Each day those moments come when I feel the flutter of a tiny child. I see them in the eyes of a husband I truly don't deserve. I hear them in the voice of my friends and family. I can now understand that He is working, though I don't see it, in so many ways to prove to us once more that He is GOD. I sometimes feel Him most when my knees go weak, and He's right there to catch me before I fall.

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