Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Things I Should Have Said

Have you ever been through a situation, then, after having stepped away from it, realized that there were some things that you left unsaid? It's happened to me more times than not. I'm terrible about saying exactly what I think, and unfortunately, I've hurt some people with this character trait of mine. Lately, however, I have not said some things that I KNOW I should have when the Lord was leading me to do so.

So I guess you're thinking that I have started writing to make things right and to FINALLY say what I should have... Well, you'd be exactly right. Except it's not going to be what you think it is. I just hope you'll forgive me for opening my heart before you...

When you took care of me after the surgery, I didn't realize how blessed I was; to have the kind of love you possessed even overwhelmed me. Every act of service you performed and every word you didn't say, they went unnoticed at the time. The nights you allowed me to cry myself to sleep as you stayed awake simply praying without ceasing for my brokenness were so unbelievably considerate. The bitterness you have seen has been unbearable at times, and the words that have been thrown at you in anger were unacceptable. Yet, you stood by and loved me nonetheless. As I ached for my arms to be filled, you held me. You were angry at times, but you never showed it. You've shown your faith in our future by not letting go. You've loved with an unconditional love through my darkest days. You've seen the miracles God has performed and trusted that there would be more. You've listened as I poured my heart out in frustration. You've trusted my decisions, but led me to believe in God's faithfulness. You've had faith when I've had none. You've picked up ALL of my slack, and moved on without asking more. You have proven yourself time and time again. You've loved the unlovable. You've been my biggest encouragement, and you have believed in me. You deserve more love. You should have all that I have to give. You are better than 10 sons (1 Samuel 1:8), but without doubt, would be an amazing parent to all of them. You make me want to stop grieving because of your joy. You help me to see that Ethan was a gift, and nothing can take that away. You love my hurting heart and pray for its healing. You are everything a best friend should be. You don't hear these things enough from me, and I'm sorry.

These are the things I should have said to my husband for the past 53 days. I'm sorry it took me so long.

To Heaven and Back, Brian.
I love you.

1 comment:

Brian Johnson said...

Thank you for these words of encoruagement. They have lifted my soul and radiated God's glory. Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. Though my love is so shallow at times, I pray that it will grow deeper and more sacrificial each day. You are the one my heart loves! Keep expressing yourself. You are an amzing writer from the heart!
Love, BJ