Barely Living the Change

Funny how just a few years ago I wanted to be a news anchor. Wearing nice suits with adorable hair and red lipstick flashing my smile every evening on the six o'clock news. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to not be on the news. I can't tell you how relieved I am to not be wearing suits and high heel shoes and awful, ugly red lipstick.

Instead I'm flashing my smile everyday at eighteen little five- and six-year-olds, and it's hard. It's not at all what I imagined it would be. I've never been this tired in my life despite the fact that I actually sleep 8 hours or more every night as opposed to my 2 or 3 hour nights of sleep in college. My feet are killing me, and I wear flat shoes. HA HA. Yes, ones that I used to find insanely ridiculous and old-looking; nevermind, that some of the 5th graders in my school are 2 feet taller than me when I wear them.

Being in the real world is hard. Getting that first paycheck was a shock. It wasn't what I expected. Being this tired and never finding time for myself really hurts. And most of all, I'm lonelier than I've ever been. I don't exactly know why. I don't want or need a boyfriend. I don't have time for it really. So what does all of this mean?

I've stopped turning to the Lord and completely relied on myself for all of the things that my best friend could have given me all along. I've found myself farther away from Him than I've ever been. Not in ways I've been before, with drinking, smoking, and the biggest mistakes of my life, but in the most hurtful way, and that is in denial. I've turned my back on God. I haven't asked for help. I haven't wanted it. I've fallen so far away that I've made my own self miserable without even noticing what I was doing. I haven't seen my best girl friends in weeks and some in months. I haven't seen Jared in, well, I don't remember when I saw him last. I haven't talked to my teaching buddy. I haven't called Rob or Jase. I haven't had a meaningful conversation in 3 months. All because I've consumed myself with my work because I'm insecure and scared of failing.

And that's the toughest thing I've ever had to admit.

I'm scared of failing. I'm terrified of everyone else not seeing the perfectionistic world I try to make for myself when I'm teaching. I'm so afraid of not being good at this. I'm scared that I'm going to spend so much time trying to make myself a brilliant teacher that I'm going to miss out on other things in life like friendships and relationships because honestly, there's not time for them. When does it get easier? When do I feel like it makes sense? When is it okay to break? I've built this wall that I didn't want broken and here I am, lying beneath my own bricks.

I know that God doesn't put anything on us that we can't handle, and I'm making it through this... It's just not at all what I thought it would be. I need Him more now than I ever have. And as afraid of failing as I am, I'm more terrified of not pleasing the Lord... I know I haven't. I've heard it said that you have to "Live the Change." Things have to change, and I'm starting today...