Hushed.

The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

It has been very difficult for me to write lately. It could be from all of the emotions I'm experiencing or the changes that are within me. Truthfully, I have just been completely humbled at how God is working in my life.

Seems strange that just a little over 7 months ago, I was sitting in a classroom, trying to decide if I should resign. I wasn't exactly enjoying life, but knew God had bigger purposes than just where I was. I was ill at Him for taking my child from me, and I wanted so badly to be pregnant again.

Things don't work out exactly as we plan them. If I'd had it my way, 7 months ago, I would have loved teaching, been 4 months pregnant, and never would have had to think about a child in Heaven. I look back now and realize what it was all for.

Hush, and watch, He wanted to say to me. It's just that I wouldn't listen nor would I exactly get quiet through the bitterness and chatter. His ideas seemed irrelevant to me at that point. He lost all hope of keeping my trust. I was so mad at Him that I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to love Him again.

Now, I see that that anger has caused me to love Him more. I've learned that He didn't promise me that life would be easy... On the contrary, "Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it (Matthew 17:14)." Difficult is what He said it would be, and yet, I spent months wondering why life had to be so hard... why all these terrible things were happening to me. I see that they weren't terrible. They were part of His plan to silence me.

The reason I am finally quiet is because I've realized that I have to listen to God. He's saying things to me all of the time; it's just that for the past few months, I've been unable and unwilling to hear Him. Sometimes I don't hear anything for days, and sometimes the silence is so loud I cannot bear to handle it.

However, on many occasions, I hear Him in the office, through the typing of my gentle husband's hands. Sometimes, I can hear Him late at night, through the ache in my back that my little one is pressing upon. Other moments, I hear Him in the strokes of a paintbrush, as He reminds me how He has blessed me with talents. Mostly, I hear Him in the quiet of the day, reminding me that I am exactly where He wants me.

Hushed.