I Probably Wouldn't Be This Way...

It seems like an eternity ago that I was walking down the aisle saying "I do" to the rest of my life, and not one moment goes by that I don't think about that day and the commitment we made. It's strange how life now gets in the way and tries to distort your views and get into the center of your marriage where God should be. I've learned that things are always easier when you stay in His will, and we've found that the first year is much more of a blessing when you leave Him do His work.

But, times get hard. It's not always easy. It feels like ages ago that I held him. I remember about three weeks ago when he told me the burden that he had. I really didn't think it would hit me the way it has. Being as independent as I always have been, it couldn't be that big of deal if God had given him the burden to go on a mission trip. Besides, in February, right after we were engaged, he had gone on a 10-day mission trip to Jamaica, and though it was hard being away from him, it wasn't that difficult. God lightened the load.

This time is different... As the day of his departure approached, the heaviness inside of me grew, and I could tell it wasn't going to be easy this time. The separation was going to be harder than I could imagine. I read "The two shall be as one..." over and over in the Bible, and each time I read it, it cut even deeper. I have a deeper understanding and appreciation for my marriage now and for what God has put together. It is nothing good in me; it's what He has done in us.

Having him leave this morning changed something in me... Something about him not being here hurts more than I can put into words. The tears come without discussing it, the pain overcomes me at any given moment, and the emptiness I feel is so overwhelming. I know the Lord has called him to be in Alaska, telling the people of that beautiful state about his calling to do the Lord's work, and I firmly believe that should anything happen to him that I know I will see him again one day because he and I have a great hope in Jesus Christ as we both have a time and a place where we met Him. However, what I'm going through now is something I can't explain... I'm not certain if the Lord has something for me to do, other than pray, or if He is telling me something, or if this is just the heart of a woman...

My prayer is that I learn to be dependent on the Lord for strength, because though I am, this feeling of loss or emptiness is what the devil does to make me doubt what my Lord can do. Jesus is all I need. He is my everything, and though He has blessed me with an amazing husband, my thoughts should remain upward. Please help me pray for strength this week, until next Tuesday the 14th when Brian comes home. Also pray for Brian, for a safe and blessed trip, for the Lord's will to be done, and for his divine purpose in all of our lives to be fulfilled.