The Shoulder You Seem To Lean On...

Isn't the one you want to rest on.

That bothers me. I've always been one to have quite a few friends, and when I say quite a few, I mean, I couldn't count them if I had to. Same goes for the relationships I've had. The only difference is, there are relationships and friendships that REALLY matter, the ones that never leave me or my memory.

Friendships that haven't always been easy or ever made sense are the best ones for me. Hearing one of my best friends say today that she is FINALLY engaged was amazing, and then I stopped and thought about the last time I saw her and couldn't remember when it was. Those are the types of friendships I have. I'm not saying that's a good thing; I'm just saying that's how it works in my life. Maybe it's my fault, maybe there's something wrong with me, but it's just the way it works.

Relationships are the exact way. There will always be these special ones to me, the ones that broke my heart and the ones who changed it for the better and in a terrible way. There are those who have made me want to guard my heart and there are others who have allowed me to see that love is all there is. Just like friendships though, relationships come and go, and sometimes, more times than not, they seem to come back.

I'm in that process right now. Figuring out if it's coming back, holding on, or letting go. Or maybe it's all three. We may be so comfortable with one another that we're scared of walking away from one another. I know I don't want to. I want to know what we are, why I'm so attached to him, and why he and I both keep finding ourselves on each others' shoulders whether it be because of laughter or tears. Maybe we do love each other. Maybe I'm just too scared to say that out loud. But maybe, just maybe, I don't have to because I just did.

If my life is in this whirlwind of change with my new teaching job, the SUV I'll soon be getting, among other things, I want to make this pattern of friendship/relationship succession end here and now. And more importantly, I want it to end with him. I want to be able to call him when I'm actually upset and it not be something I'm scared to do, like he did tonight. I was the shoulder tonight. I just wish he'd stayed there a little longer...