There's A Whole Bunch Of Getting Nowhere Going On...

And I'm here to say I'm sick of it. My major test of faith lately has been patience, and yes, mine wears extremely thin. I know it's my downfall, it's the pit I seem to always find myself in, but I can't help but wonder why things in my life must always feel as if they are on hold, or mute, or pause, or temporarily halted, or just stopped altogether. And for once, I'm okay with saying I'm not okay with it all.

I've been patient about college; I've finally graduated. I was patient about finding a job; I got one fairly quickly (let's just say I had one before I even graduated, thank you Lord). I've been fine about living at home; I actually enjoy it. I love where my life is, for the most part, but certain areas seem to perplex me more than others and patience is hard to come by.

He's there for me when I need him. He calls quite often. He's become my best friend because he's always been since probably freshmen year. We're ridiculously closer than most couples are. I've known he's liked me before. I think he knows I like him now. We talk everyday. But something tells me it's going nowhere. Am I wrong for wondering, "Why not?!" We call before we go to bed. We act like a couple does. Why aren't we one? I'm not sure. I know it's about patience, and that I'm supposed to wait. I don't know how much longer I can.

Maybe it's because this isn't what God wants for me. Maybe this friend doesn't actually like me back. Maybe he likes my company and enjoys our friendship and thinks that's all it is. Maybe girls think too much into things. Maybe I try too hard. Maybe I don't care if I do. Maybe I wish that God would help me out with this. Maybe I already know He is. Maybe I just feel as if there's a whole lot of getting nowhere going on, and maybe I'm ready to be moving on...

So, Just In Case You Didn't Know...

God's in the Blessing Business.

How do I know this, you might ask?! Well, let me just say that I've had my fair share of blessings my whole entire life. As I look back and think on all of the times God's blessed me or my family and friends, I feel completely unworthy... Like falling out of the boat that was parked in the garage at age 3, or falling off of the curly slide at Moss Wright Park at age 5, or choking on a chocolate Easter bunny at age I'm not so sure, or getting dropped out of a cheerleading stunt onto the back of my neck at 17 years old, a year later crashing through the windshield without any recollection of the accident... It's purely God's grace that I made it through any of those accidents alive, but even as I have, I have taken each of them forgranted.

I graduated college a little over two months ago, and before I even had graduated, I knew I had a job... That job is now OFFICIAL, and I will be teaching Kindergarten in the fall at Gene Brown Elementary School in Hendersonville, TN. Five years of work, five years of struggles, five years of great memories, loss, and heartaches... This, though, was what it was all for... My freshman year I thought Communication was the Major for me, but God spoke to me one night and let me know that Education was where He wanted me, and that if I would change my major the next day, He would take care of the rest. Five years later and He held true to His word. I can't believe I ever doubted it. Like I said, our Lord is in the Blessing Business.

I Love This Love / Hate Thing We've Got Going

Yeah, I like him. He knows it. He likes me. I know it.
It's a strange thing, knowing everything. But I like it.

Feels Good Knowing You Feel The Same Way...

Everyday brings about feelings I didn't know I could have about this boy. I could have had them years ago, but I forced myself not to. I wish I hadn't, but now I know that God had different plans because I need this particular boy as he needs me at this particular place in time.

We've spent the past week or two getting used to each other again, seeing how we've changed, being adults, and realizing that we have strong feelings for one another. Getting used to liking him is something that's so easy, but in the grand scheme of things, I want to control the situation and say that I do not want to be in a relationship. At this point, I will take whatever God is willing to give me. I like him and I trust God that much.

Tonight was different though. Tonight was the night we admitted to really liking each other. We hadn't done that before. He called while I was at my family's 4th celebration and he on the way home from his, and we talked for a good twenty minutes. Of course, as it always does, my mouth gets ahead of my mind, and I say, "This is weird." He asks what I meant by it. I told him that I thought "we" were weird now, that we weren't the same. He said, "Yeah, we're not, and I like that." I asked him what he meant. "This is what I've always wanted, and now you want it too." That's what I wanted him to say back in high school, that he liked me... Without doubt, I have my affirmation, and it feels good knowing he feels the same way.