Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
Psalm 119:105
I didn't really understand how powerful words actually were until the past few days... As Brian headed off to Jamaica, I realized how much I missed his voice, and not just his voice, but the words of love he always gives to me. When he left Thursday morning, I knew those simple words were gone... atleast for a period of 8 days. It was awesome to head to the bathroom that morning he left to find a small, yellow post-it note with the most beautiful words, encouraging me to find comfort in our Lord. Even those few words were enough to get me through the day, or so I thought.
I headed out the door to head off to work, and soon, I came across a manilla envelope sitting in my driver's seat. It was a gift from my husband, but I was rushed and needed to hurry off to my early morning meeting. Thankfully, Brian called on the way to work; I don't even remember what we talked about other than he was getting a green tea with "no sugar and one Splenda" and that this being away was harder than he expected. It wasn't until I arrived at school and after my meeting that I was able to open the envelope.
It was harder than I could have ever imagined reading that letter... Yes, it was exactly what I wanted, but it was HIM I was longing to hear. I guess the Lord knows what He is doing, as this trip is advancing HIS Kingdom among those people in Jamaica, the place where Brian and I actually met in 2004. I also realized that God was in the middle of teaching us to cling to Him, and that the words we were able to leave and give to one another was a gift from Him as well.
Another blessing came when Brian called last night to tell me he had created an email address to be able to communicate with me over the trip... The church where they are working in this remote town on top of a mountain ACTUALLY has internet now, slow moving internet, but another God-given gift. I woke up this morning to TWO emails from my husband.
I also have learned that words are healing... As I lay in bed last night, one of the first times without him, I couldn't sleep. I was sick with a fever, sore throat, and stuffy nose, but more so, I was longing for him. After figuring that crying was getting me nowhere, I called my sister, who comforted me just by talking to me about school, my being sick, about dinner, etc. In just a few quick minutes, I was ready for bed. How strong words can be in times of need!
I was again sick this morning, and the fever had not subsided leaving me unable to go to school. It wasn't long after waking up a second time around 11 that I saw how lonely I was. I sat feeling sorry for myself, watching hour after hour of t.v. At 3:30, the phone rang and the voice was SO familiar... He had called in the middle of the day for no reason. I felt great again, but soon after, that sadness creeped in again. The devil likes to find us at our weakest and take over... That is, until I got the mail.
I saw a card addressed to me from my childhood best friend. She had sent me a card to tell me Happy Birthday, but her letter inside was so much stronger than just a birthday one. She talked about how she loved me, missed me, and was praying for me. I cannot tell you how those words lifted my heart. I love knowing that God can give us exactly what we need when we need it.
What a blessing it is to know that our God can give us words to bring peace to our hearts through others! As Philipians 4:7 says,
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
I am blessed by a God who cares for me deeper than I can for even my husband. The Lord gives us words to live by and love, but how often do we pass them by?! I am thankful for the words I've been given, and I pray that I will take every word to heart.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
A Little Birthday Message from My Big God
I remember last year on my birthday how sad my heart was...
I had driven alone to my uncle, Gerald's grave, as we shared our birthdays on the same day, and last year was the first birthday I didn't have him to call. What a hard change that was! One I have never truly understood.
I remember receiving a phone call as I was leaving the gravesite, one that I truly needed as that trip was so difficult.
I remember just the following day last year that everything changed. That simple phone call had meant more than just a birthday wish. The voice on the other line met me the next night and we found out that there was something more...
I remember thinking that nothing would ever be the same, and I was right because it hasn't. I've gotten engaged in only 8 days to my pastor, spent 4 hours at Target making a registry, bought our first home, planned a wedding and married him just 2 months later, visited the Grand Canyon, saw the most extravagant wedding in Abilene, Texas, spent an entire summer together, lost my Nana to Alzheimer's, was the most lonely I'd ever been as he left for Alaska, was overjoyed and saddened when he had to return the next day for his Grandaddy's death, spent 8 hours in the hospital with a ruptured cyst, missed the first week of school, changed medications, stayed weak from the cyst, missed more school, were Fishermen for Halloween in the name of our Savior, had Thanksgiving at our house, planned a overscheduled Christmas season, and just then had things started feeling normal.
I remember thinking that I couldn't be pregnant. Oh, I know, if you're not preventing then you're only waiting... And here I am, in for the biggest change of our lives.
I look back at the life God has given me and I see how intricately beautiful it has been. I realize that life was never about me, and that it was simply all for the glory of my Lord. Those things that have happened weren't to see how much I could take, but how much I would lift up God in every change and situation I faced.
I failed... often. There have been many times that I couldn't understand why this or that was happening, and I would simply deny the fact that my God was in control. Looking at it now, it's so evident to me that God was there every step of the way. How amazing that is to me!
I know now that my heart should have never sank last year on my birthday...
It was just another opportunity for God to shine through and make the necessary changes in my life. I am more thankful for this birthday than any before. Yes, maybe it's because I'm married to the most wonderful man, or because our first child is on its way, or maybe because I'm 25 and things seem normal. But they won't stay this way, and I realize that... That's why the truth is clear. It's always been God, never has it been me that my life is all about. What am I going to do with it?
I had driven alone to my uncle, Gerald's grave, as we shared our birthdays on the same day, and last year was the first birthday I didn't have him to call. What a hard change that was! One I have never truly understood.
I remember receiving a phone call as I was leaving the gravesite, one that I truly needed as that trip was so difficult.
I remember just the following day last year that everything changed. That simple phone call had meant more than just a birthday wish. The voice on the other line met me the next night and we found out that there was something more...
I remember thinking that nothing would ever be the same, and I was right because it hasn't. I've gotten engaged in only 8 days to my pastor, spent 4 hours at Target making a registry, bought our first home, planned a wedding and married him just 2 months later, visited the Grand Canyon, saw the most extravagant wedding in Abilene, Texas, spent an entire summer together, lost my Nana to Alzheimer's, was the most lonely I'd ever been as he left for Alaska, was overjoyed and saddened when he had to return the next day for his Grandaddy's death, spent 8 hours in the hospital with a ruptured cyst, missed the first week of school, changed medications, stayed weak from the cyst, missed more school, were Fishermen for Halloween in the name of our Savior, had Thanksgiving at our house, planned a overscheduled Christmas season, and just then had things started feeling normal.
I remember thinking that I couldn't be pregnant. Oh, I know, if you're not preventing then you're only waiting... And here I am, in for the biggest change of our lives.
I look back at the life God has given me and I see how intricately beautiful it has been. I realize that life was never about me, and that it was simply all for the glory of my Lord. Those things that have happened weren't to see how much I could take, but how much I would lift up God in every change and situation I faced.
I failed... often. There have been many times that I couldn't understand why this or that was happening, and I would simply deny the fact that my God was in control. Looking at it now, it's so evident to me that God was there every step of the way. How amazing that is to me!
I know now that my heart should have never sank last year on my birthday...
It was just another opportunity for God to shine through and make the necessary changes in my life. I am more thankful for this birthday than any before. Yes, maybe it's because I'm married to the most wonderful man, or because our first child is on its way, or maybe because I'm 25 and things seem normal. But they won't stay this way, and I realize that... That's why the truth is clear. It's always been God, never has it been me that my life is all about. What am I going to do with it?
Saturday, October 13, 2007
I Want to Teach Little Teachers for Him
I guess I never imagined being anything other than a teacher...
Sure, there was a time, when I was 6, that I was certain that I was going to be a country music singer like the Judds and go on tours and be the best thing that ever was. Life has a way of changing things. Just like when I was asked in my senior year of high school to choose a job to shadow, and I was set on News and Broadcasting. But when it came to setting up our appointments, there were none left for me. I had to call my fourth grade teacher, Miss Melanie Morris, and ask if I could shadow her for a week, she was thrilled. I wasn't exactly...
However, throughout the week of being with her in that classroom setting things changed and my eyes opened to a bright new opportunity. It would be one of the last times I saw Miss Morris doing the thing she and I loved most before she passed away of cancer some few years later before I graduated with an Elementary Education degree, but it was then that the Lord began shaping my heart and the gift He had given me into something bigger than even I understood...
Today, things continue to change. In a classroom of 17 children, I crave something different. Something bigger. In a classroom where you are forced to teach from a set of 6 manuals and read the blue lines and NEVER share a word of Christ, my heart is LONGING for a classroom where I can teach what truly matters in this world. What this world is truly missing... the love and salvation of our Lord and SAVIOR Jesus Christ. Sure, it's important for kids to read and multiply, but Jesus taught kids those reading by and with parables and multiplication through the multiplying of His Father's kingdom. How little of that we are doing as Christians sitting back behind desks and telling others NOTHING of importance!
My heart is longing to grow up children, not just children, but men and women who FEAR God and who look after His principles and teachings. I do none of that in our school system today other than by a smile. Yes, that is good and fair, but how much more I get accomplished for my Lord when I am able to teach for 45 minutes on Sunday mornings in Sunday School to my two students of the WORD! My heart rejoices every single time I leave because I can advance HIS KINGDOM and glorify HIS NAME in those children! That's the kind of teacher I long to be. The kind that is an example that reading, writing, and arithmetic are important if all learning is based on my Savior and I give thanks to HIM for all I am able to learn and accomplish.
Sure, there was a time, when I was 6, that I was certain that I was going to be a country music singer like the Judds and go on tours and be the best thing that ever was. Life has a way of changing things. Just like when I was asked in my senior year of high school to choose a job to shadow, and I was set on News and Broadcasting. But when it came to setting up our appointments, there were none left for me. I had to call my fourth grade teacher, Miss Melanie Morris, and ask if I could shadow her for a week, she was thrilled. I wasn't exactly...
However, throughout the week of being with her in that classroom setting things changed and my eyes opened to a bright new opportunity. It would be one of the last times I saw Miss Morris doing the thing she and I loved most before she passed away of cancer some few years later before I graduated with an Elementary Education degree, but it was then that the Lord began shaping my heart and the gift He had given me into something bigger than even I understood...
Today, things continue to change. In a classroom of 17 children, I crave something different. Something bigger. In a classroom where you are forced to teach from a set of 6 manuals and read the blue lines and NEVER share a word of Christ, my heart is LONGING for a classroom where I can teach what truly matters in this world. What this world is truly missing... the love and salvation of our Lord and SAVIOR Jesus Christ. Sure, it's important for kids to read and multiply, but Jesus taught kids those reading by and with parables and multiplication through the multiplying of His Father's kingdom. How little of that we are doing as Christians sitting back behind desks and telling others NOTHING of importance!
My heart is longing to grow up children, not just children, but men and women who FEAR God and who look after His principles and teachings. I do none of that in our school system today other than by a smile. Yes, that is good and fair, but how much more I get accomplished for my Lord when I am able to teach for 45 minutes on Sunday mornings in Sunday School to my two students of the WORD! My heart rejoices every single time I leave because I can advance HIS KINGDOM and glorify HIS NAME in those children! That's the kind of teacher I long to be. The kind that is an example that reading, writing, and arithmetic are important if all learning is based on my Savior and I give thanks to HIM for all I am able to learn and accomplish.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
January Was a Big Hole in One.
January 12, 2007 - The Pursuit of Happiness
In the pursuit for happiness, I have encountered more heartache than I care to recall. But for the sake of demonstrating why I have been feeling so downhearted, let me take you down the path I have traveled and thus understand why I think the ironic thing about happiness is that it's merely a pursuit. It's highly overrated and sometimes completely unobtainable.
Last year, 2006, started as one of the best years of my life. I had stopped drinking... I was single and NOT looking. I was happy. I spent the Eve praying in the living room of my youth minister's house, amongst the best of friends, who then decided Chubby Bunnies was in order as it usually is around that time of year. That's just how the year started... I fell for "Bump in the Road" this year. I won't say "The Bump" was easy to get over; actually, it busted a few of my tires along the way. I didn't mind it though; it was a "bump" that I didn't mind taking.
I actually believed happiness could happen for me in the fall of 2006. I guess when you aren't looking for it, you accidentally just need a rest and take the next exit. That's what he was: "The Rest Stop." I wanted something to get me out of the place I was in before. I was miserable, and I just wanted to be happy. I had forgotten what that was. So I just forgot about everything and pulled over with him. I enjoyed the simplicity of sitting still. I liked watching ball and staying up late for no reason at all, but a "rest" is just that... It can't last long... And I was driving on, and before I knew it, I was back to the "Bump in the Road."
2007 started much differently. I was not drinking, but I'll be honest in saying that the thought had crossed my mind. It's a temptation and an addiction that's always been there. But that's a totally different blog. I didn't spend this Eve praying like I should have; I spent it with one of the same friends among a much different crowd. Here's where "The Puddle" came into view... Sure, he looked good from a distance and playing in the water is always fun for a kid at heart, but after a while, "The Puddle" loses its touch and I'm left muddy and lonely. You wash yourself off, drive away, expecting something better only to find that same "Bump in the Road."
I don't know where this road is headed. I continue down the same one. But I'm determined to move on... Happiness is not found in someone else, and I know this, but it's so hard when you allow yourself to trust others. I'm learning, I really am, about how to trust my instincts and know that the only happiness in life is found in the Lord, but I wanted everyone to know that it's hard to understand and that happiness isn't easy.
January 18, 2007 - Don't Take Offense...
Please don't take offense if I haven't answered or don't answer your phone calls in the next few days. Seems I've finally caught my first sickness in my first year of teaching, and I missed my first day of school today. STINK. I'm really tired or I'd write more, and the glands in my neck are swollen up like oranges, plus I'm freezing and burning all at the same time. So, pray for me that this is no big deal and it will go away...
January 20,2007 - Never Was Much of a Fan of Golf... Now I Know Why.
I've had this ache in my neck for days. The best way to describe it is that I have two golfball-sized lumps on the side of my neck where my glands should be, which of course has been some cause for concern. I've been to the doctor twice, and it wasn't until yesterday that one of them was able to tell me what is wrong with me. Seems that the lymph nodes in my neck are incredibly swollen (inflamed, whatever that means) and I've been put on penicilin for the next 7 days. If you've never taken penicilin, it's vomit in a bottle. Literally. It's powers are beyond any drug I've ever been handed by a pharmicist only because I can't say that I'm feeling better, but the overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach reminding me that I may get sick from this stupid pill is pretty AMAZING. That's a tough drug. I mean it. Dr. Erin hopes that the swelling is being caused by a bacterial infection, hopefully, and if so, the penicilin, as awful as it is, will knock the infection out. However, if the golfballs remain, it could mean that the infection is indeed viral and I have the beginning phases of strep or mono. Stupid. Luckily, I'm not contagious. No fever came with the swelling, just the inability to swallow and the need to sleep A LOT. I'm praying that the penicilin, as terribly dreadful as it is, is going to heal this and I'm going to be good by Monday for MY 24th and so I can return to see my kids!
January 27, 2007 - You Move Me (aka - The Lord gave me Brian)
Words come easily to me. They seem to be the one thing I can depend on when everything else fails. That is, until now.
I have been so moved by the Lord in the past week that I have been unable to speak. He has shown me how to truly "be still." It's an amazing thing, to be humbled in His presence, to be living in His light, and to know that He is the center of my world.
In time, the Lord will help me to speak this blessing more eloquently like I'm known for, but at this point in time, I am silenced by His grace, strength, and plan.
Jeremiah 29:11-12 - "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen."
In the pursuit for happiness, I have encountered more heartache than I care to recall. But for the sake of demonstrating why I have been feeling so downhearted, let me take you down the path I have traveled and thus understand why I think the ironic thing about happiness is that it's merely a pursuit. It's highly overrated and sometimes completely unobtainable.
Last year, 2006, started as one of the best years of my life. I had stopped drinking... I was single and NOT looking. I was happy. I spent the Eve praying in the living room of my youth minister's house, amongst the best of friends, who then decided Chubby Bunnies was in order as it usually is around that time of year. That's just how the year started... I fell for "Bump in the Road" this year. I won't say "The Bump" was easy to get over; actually, it busted a few of my tires along the way. I didn't mind it though; it was a "bump" that I didn't mind taking.
I actually believed happiness could happen for me in the fall of 2006. I guess when you aren't looking for it, you accidentally just need a rest and take the next exit. That's what he was: "The Rest Stop." I wanted something to get me out of the place I was in before. I was miserable, and I just wanted to be happy. I had forgotten what that was. So I just forgot about everything and pulled over with him. I enjoyed the simplicity of sitting still. I liked watching ball and staying up late for no reason at all, but a "rest" is just that... It can't last long... And I was driving on, and before I knew it, I was back to the "Bump in the Road."
2007 started much differently. I was not drinking, but I'll be honest in saying that the thought had crossed my mind. It's a temptation and an addiction that's always been there. But that's a totally different blog. I didn't spend this Eve praying like I should have; I spent it with one of the same friends among a much different crowd. Here's where "The Puddle" came into view... Sure, he looked good from a distance and playing in the water is always fun for a kid at heart, but after a while, "The Puddle" loses its touch and I'm left muddy and lonely. You wash yourself off, drive away, expecting something better only to find that same "Bump in the Road."
I don't know where this road is headed. I continue down the same one. But I'm determined to move on... Happiness is not found in someone else, and I know this, but it's so hard when you allow yourself to trust others. I'm learning, I really am, about how to trust my instincts and know that the only happiness in life is found in the Lord, but I wanted everyone to know that it's hard to understand and that happiness isn't easy.
January 18, 2007 - Don't Take Offense...
Please don't take offense if I haven't answered or don't answer your phone calls in the next few days. Seems I've finally caught my first sickness in my first year of teaching, and I missed my first day of school today. STINK. I'm really tired or I'd write more, and the glands in my neck are swollen up like oranges, plus I'm freezing and burning all at the same time. So, pray for me that this is no big deal and it will go away...
January 20,2007 - Never Was Much of a Fan of Golf... Now I Know Why.
I've had this ache in my neck for days. The best way to describe it is that I have two golfball-sized lumps on the side of my neck where my glands should be, which of course has been some cause for concern. I've been to the doctor twice, and it wasn't until yesterday that one of them was able to tell me what is wrong with me. Seems that the lymph nodes in my neck are incredibly swollen (inflamed, whatever that means) and I've been put on penicilin for the next 7 days. If you've never taken penicilin, it's vomit in a bottle. Literally. It's powers are beyond any drug I've ever been handed by a pharmicist only because I can't say that I'm feeling better, but the overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach reminding me that I may get sick from this stupid pill is pretty AMAZING. That's a tough drug. I mean it. Dr. Erin hopes that the swelling is being caused by a bacterial infection, hopefully, and if so, the penicilin, as awful as it is, will knock the infection out. However, if the golfballs remain, it could mean that the infection is indeed viral and I have the beginning phases of strep or mono. Stupid. Luckily, I'm not contagious. No fever came with the swelling, just the inability to swallow and the need to sleep A LOT. I'm praying that the penicilin, as terribly dreadful as it is, is going to heal this and I'm going to be good by Monday for MY 24th and so I can return to see my kids!
January 27, 2007 - You Move Me (aka - The Lord gave me Brian)
Words come easily to me. They seem to be the one thing I can depend on when everything else fails. That is, until now.
I have been so moved by the Lord in the past week that I have been unable to speak. He has shown me how to truly "be still." It's an amazing thing, to be humbled in His presence, to be living in His light, and to know that He is the center of my world.
In time, the Lord will help me to speak this blessing more eloquently like I'm known for, but at this point in time, I am silenced by His grace, strength, and plan.
Jeremiah 29:11-12 - "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen."
March 10, 2007, Realizations in Life, Few and Far Between
The life you've been living, the days that you've been given were made for something beautiful.
Life, don't let it pass you by, because you were created for something beautiful.
The realization that I am a part of something bigger than just myself has hit me. It's taken about a month and a little over a week for it to settle in that God has showed me who He created for me. I didn't exactly have to search like I thought I needed to and did for years, but when I had all but given up on believing in it, there he was, knowing that we were made for one another. God didn't just give us this idea that we're a good team or we really like one another; He orchestrated a major work in which He took us all the way to Jamaica on a mission trip to meet one another. We learned to serve the Lord together before we ever learned to serve each other anything. It's an awesome thing, knowing that my life has God as its author. It's amazing that my relationship was not something I made happen but that God put together in a mighty way. Even more so, it's absolutely beautiful knowing that every step we take together, there's always another with us...
Life, don't let it pass you by, because you were created for something beautiful.
The realization that I am a part of something bigger than just myself has hit me. It's taken about a month and a little over a week for it to settle in that God has showed me who He created for me. I didn't exactly have to search like I thought I needed to and did for years, but when I had all but given up on believing in it, there he was, knowing that we were made for one another. God didn't just give us this idea that we're a good team or we really like one another; He orchestrated a major work in which He took us all the way to Jamaica on a mission trip to meet one another. We learned to serve the Lord together before we ever learned to serve each other anything. It's an awesome thing, knowing that my life has God as its author. It's amazing that my relationship was not something I made happen but that God put together in a mighty way. Even more so, it's absolutely beautiful knowing that every step we take together, there's always another with us...
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