Sitting in the Presence of the Lord

I never imagined that letting go of something you never really had would be this difficult. After having surgery on Monday, my emotions have been very hard to handle. I've felt heartless at times, wondering why at all I haven't cried since Monday, and at other times, I feel so sad that it seems that all I can do is cry. That's actually what happened last night.

I guess I began thinking about its little hands and feet, and how we never got to see them. I started wondering which one of us he would have looked like, and yes, we believe, and have since learning of the pregnancy, this precious baby would have been a boy. I realized we had nothing to remember him by except a Willow Tree figurine that Brian gave me on my birthday when we were 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.



We have learned since then that my birthday was more than likely the day our little one passed. Our last ultrasound showed the baby being only 6 weeks and 1 day old, when in reality we were almost 10 weeks. Letting us know this information has made things on us much easier. God always opens one door when He closes another.

I feel a bit empty inside. I know that statement can be taken literally if it need be, but what I mean is that something we had longed for and gotten so excited about is no longer within me. It's like a piece of you is missing, just gone. It's so hard to explain unless you've experienced it, but I know many have. It's just a matter of letting go and trusting God.

The procedure from what I understand went well. I've been very slow-moving, needing help to get from place to place. My throat has ached since having the tube inserted and removed. My stomach has been so sore... I can't imagine what I would have felt like if I went back to school today. I just wasn't ready yet. I plan to return to work tomorrow, if the Lord allows. I've learned to depend on my Heavenly Father to take care of our child, and I've learned to depend on Him and my husband to take care of me. The Lord has been good to us as strange as that sounds. He's filled our home with friends and family, flowers and food. All have been so loving and supportive. They have lifted us up when we couldn't lift ourselves, and I imagine there will be more days than not that we will need that lifting again... How good it is to be a child of God, to feel His presence and love in our home, to know that our child is sitting with Jesus even now. How blessed we are to already have one child in Heaven!

Job 1:21b states, "The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."

The Lord Gives AND Takes Away

And I've learned how true this scripture truly is in just one day...

Going for our second appointment and ultrasound in just 8 days yesterday, I've seen the miracle of life quickly taken away. We learned last Friday that we possibly had a "bad pregnancy," and this Friday we were told the baby had passed. We are saddened yes, but we know that our precious child is in the hands of God. What an amazing feeling that is! It's hard at the same time to understand it or even want to, but I know that my God is in control. How much sweeter is Heaven today? Much more than the day before.

Life is fragile, and God has given it to us as a gift. Take the time to love. Share laughter. Enjoy your quiet moments. Spend days with loved ones. Treasure your friendships. Be an honest person. Live life as Jesus did. Share God's greatest gift. Rejoice in sufferings. Pray without failure. Remember that God is NOT the author of confusion. Live without questions. Stop worrying over yesterday. Cherish today. Learn from the valleys. Look forward to the mountains. Have faith the size of a mustard seed. Love like Christ. Thank the Lord for His gifts to us. Thank Him when He chooses to take them away. Remember that HE is in control.

Thank you for your prayers. Surgery on Monday at 8 a.m. Remember us then, please.
May God's peace be with you today and forever,
Jenna