There Is Always Room For Doubt...

When you spend your time doubting yourself.

All it took was taking a look around and seeing what has been there all along. God has placed the most wonderful thing in my life, and I took an awful risk and could have lost it. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and that something proved to me that he had NEVER left my side. Once again, I realize that I'm learning as I go, but I also know now that instead of following a crazy idea of "what could be," I should always stick and trust in "what already is." It might not be what I want it to be, and I can spend all of my days hoping for it to make a turn around. I just don't see the point in that now. My life is perfect just the way it is, with the people who are in it, and now that little bit of doubt has quickly faded away.

He always shows up when you need Him.
Never doubt the One you're talking to.

Getting Your Hopes Up Again...

I just have to laugh at myself this time...
Only because I'm so good at doing this.

I don't think life is about planning, although I am a HUGE planner. Seems I spend my weeks around this scheduler in my purse, and it kills me when something's not in place or comes up spur of the moment.

I don't even think life is about figuring out what it's all about, although I try my hardest to overanalyze every situation I am in. I want to understand the things I go through, and so I will spend hours writing out my thoughts about what has happened, and though it makes me feel better, nothing has been figured out.

I don't believe that life is about discovering what makes you happy, although I wouldn't mind finding out how happiness comes so easily to others. I've realized that no one can make me happy. Happiness comes from within, and it's not just being happy that makes life worth its while.

I don't know why life has to be so difficult yet so simplistic at the same time, although I'm finding that I believe that's the whole point: finding a common balance between the two. Life has to be hard and simple or it wouldn't be worth living. I just can't imagine a life that was just one way or the other.

But of all the things I don't understand and don't know yet, I really haven't learned how to be patient. In my life, with everything I've ever faced, I always get my hopes up. It's not always hoping for something amazing; I may see the 99 ways the situation could come out in a negative manner. Even after having done this all of my life, I STILL DO IT. I guess that's what I most wish I could figure out. How to not look ahead... Get my hopes up... Look so pessimistically at what might happen next... In the process, I've ruined something great for myself, and I'm a bit disappointed but I've noticed yet again that this is what I haven't LEARNED.

My Thanksgiving Regrets...

I sat there tonight wishing you were there. I kept hoping you'd walk through the back door, giving that big grin, and "Hey" that you always did. I hoped you'd come sit on the couch with Jessica and me, and I promise I wouldn't have even squealed about your pinching me and I'm sure Jess wouldn't have minded your calling her "Festus," even though she's hated that nickname for years. I never had to answer to "Egghead" tonight; no one calls me that anymore. I never thought in a million years I'd miss being called that. I wished it was louder in the living room from all the noise you were making in the den. I kept wondering if Wyatt has realized you're gone, because although no one mentioned it, we all knew you weren't there. I know it's been almost six months, but I don't think it ever gets easier. The scenes of that day and losing you replay over and over again. But, I never expected holidays to be this difficult. I have never drove away feeling as sad as I did tonight. I have never had to drive by the cemetery on my way back to the city after having had Thanksgiving.

Tonight I did.

And I thought I should tell you that I miss you, and what I'm most thankful for this year is you. I wish I would have told you before you left us is how thankful I am to have had you in my life. You were and will always be the reason I love the farm. I hope you know that. Thank you for all you have done for our family, and thank you for the impact you've left on my life. I miss you so much.

Rolling with the Punches.

Remember hearing that as a kid? I do. My dad used to tell me that all of the time. I always remembered thinking that I wasn't being punched so I didn't have anything to roll away from or with. It's taken years for me to understand what that meant... And now, I have a new perspective on what my daddy was trying to say.

I've spent my life rolling with the punches the devil has given me. It seems as if he's handed out an awful lot lately. I'm not meaning to sound negative or sad because I'm not for I've found that when I'm at my lowest, I seem to be closer to God.

I just don't seem to understand why things in life have to be so difficult, so incapable of understanding, and ridiculously impossible to face alone. And yet, I find that I can face them, and I prove myself and my childish ways of thinking wrong.

Maybe, you're thinking, "Wake up, Jenna, that's where God's coming in." Let me just say that that's NOT where God's coming in; it's where He's hitting me in the face. Sometimes that's the only way to get my attention lately. Knock me completely off of my feet, pull the only level ground I have out from underneath me, catch me on unsteady bridges and broken paths, and TOTALLY throw me off guard.

Things aren't easy in my life right now; I seem to crave simplicity, but if I had it I'd be complaining that I was bored. God has given me some amazing opportunities, "punches" as I like to call them, and I sometimes pass them right up. It's ultimately up to me to take my life and make it what I want it to be. I can choose to live it for the Lord or not. I'd rather be given God's precious punches than hits from the devil any day...

Not every punch I'm given is a bad one. Some just take me off of my "high horse," while others teach me that my mouth has gotten the best of me yet again. More times than not, however, the hits I've been given have been for the best. They've been blessings in disguise from the Lord. I guess when you are hurting, you see it as a negative thing; you don't stop to see the growth God is providing.

That's what it's all about; I'm rolling with His punches...

Silence...

I really don't have much to say for once.
I've been that way lately...
I have really enjoyed being quiet.
I've never been that way before.

I love being the center of attention and being recognized, but now that I'm older and less concerned with things of my own, I'm completely content watching the world around me and being in the audience instead of center stage.

Somehow some people understand this part of me: the part that has changed.
That sometimes I need and long to be silent.
Not because I don't want to be heard,
but because I'm tired of talking so loudly.

I've worn myself out looking for the attention of others so much so that I've forced myself into finding out that the only person I really need is myself. God is good to point this out to me when He oddly takes things away from me that I clearly needed to learn that I didn't need to begin with. God's also good with giving me people that hear what I'm saying by not saying anything... I don't have to say much at all to have them understand it. I think God has been trying to teach me humility and grace, and so much of those qualities come from doing more listening than talking... I'm a talker; it's what I do - it's who I've become. Yet God's proven to me that He wants me to be still. Not only be still but be quiet as well. I've really learned how to enjoy the silence and listen to the wonders of what's going on around me...